I was sittin' at home the other day
Beer in hand, pizza on the way
An' Turner Cla**ic Movies -- not Turner and Hooch
Christopher Reeve and Michael Caine
Were drivin' Dyan Cannon insane
But after they k**ed her, I saw the two of 'em smooch
I hadn't felt so weird since I was young
I'm not sure but I think there mighta been tongue
And I didn't understand -- they both were men!
Then a voice in my head said, "Yeah, so what?"
And I noticed Chris had a real nice bu*t
And I knew I was never gonna be the same again
Well, I walked the straight and narrow
But now it's a little bent
I used to be full hetero
I wonder where that went
Have to quit being a Scoutmaster
Do I have to leave my wife?
Two guys kissin' ruined my life
I shook my head and I changed the channel
And I saw some guy wearin' a cap and flannel
Sayin' he was a lumberjack and he was okay
I kept on surfin', got Brokeback Mountain
Rocky Horror, The Birdcage, and I stopped countin'
When I got to Bravo and the whole damn network was gay
I sat and I squirmed with the funniest feelin'
I figured I needed some s**ual healin' --
Oh! That's by MARVIN Gaye, oh, my achin' head
I'd'a sworn I was straight till I saw that kissin'
But it'd shown me somethin' I'd been missin' --
I'd ruled out half of humanity sharin' my bed
Well, the techniques all look normal
But the details are kinda weird
Does a mustache act like Velcro
When it runs into a beard?
Agonizing' reappraisal
Has caused me endless strife
Two guys kissin' ruined my life
The internet and magazines, and every film and book
This slashy stuff is all I'm seein' everywhere I look
When football players watch each other, it seems more intense
And all this Harry/Draco stuff is starting to make sense
Each time I thought about it, I wondered, should I try
To have a close encounter with another horny guy?
'Cause it would still be cheatin' on my wife, I'm pretty sure
I could tell her "It ain't another woman" -- but it sure as heck ain't her
Then my mouth wrote a check I couldn't afford
We was watchin' the People's Choice Awards --
Hugh Jackman and Jude Law gettin' touchy-feely
I said, "Yeah, I bet they're the People Choice
Even I might like kissin' one o' them boys,"
And my wife said in a sultry voice, "Really?"
Since then our love life is frickin' unreal
We've learned to share, how to say what we feel
She tells me her fantasies, and I tell her mine
It's more romance than we've ever had
But there is one thing that makes me mad --
I've gotten addicted to Queer Eye and Top Design
My NASCAR buddies shun me
And my parish said "Goodbye"
But the girls down at the office
Think I'm their kinda guy
I've lost all my machismo
With acceptance I am rife
Two guys kissin' ruined my life
Two guys kissin' ruined my life