Children (not all together):
My mummy says I'm a miracle
My daddy says I'm his special little guy
I am a princess
And I am a prince
Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier
No one is as handsome, strong as me
It's true he indulges my tendency to bulge
But I'm his little soldier
HUP TWO FOUR FREE!
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier
No one is as bold or tough as me
Has my daddy told ya, one day when I'm older
I can be a soldier and shoot you in the face
Teacher:
One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days
It seems that there are millions of these one-in-a-millions these days
"Specialness" seems de rigueur
Above average is average, go figueur
Is it some modern miracle of calculus
That such frequent miracles
Don't render each one unmiraculous?
Children:
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me
Lavender:
My mummy says I'm a precious barrelina
She has never seen a prettier barrelina
She says if I'm keen, I have to cut down on the cream
But I'm a barrelina, so GIVE ME MORE CAKE!
Adults (not all together):
Take another picture of our angel in that costume that I made
The role of "tree" has never been portrayed with such convincing sway
That's right, honey, look at mummy!
Don't put honey on your brother
Smile for mummy, smile for mother
(I think she blinked.) Well, take another!
Have you seen his school report?
He got a C on his report! (What?!?)
We'll have to change his school
The teacher's clearly falling short
She's just delightful
So hilarious and insightful
Might she be a little brighter than the norm?
I know to voice it's frightful form
Children:
Adults sing their earlier parts all at once
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me
My mummy says I'm a miracle
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball
All:
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle
A miracle as miracle as me
Spoken:
Mrs Wormwood: Look, is this gonna take much longer, doctor? I've got a plane to catch at 3. I'm competing in the bi-annual international amateur salsa and ballroom championships in Paris
Doctor: You're getting on a plane, Mrs Wormwood?
Mrs Wormwood: Oh, yeah! I've been training four hours a day for the last two years, and I can tell you one thing: if Jennifer Littleton thinks she's walking off with the coveted golden shoe this year, she's got another think coming. I've got a secret weapon: Rudolpho. He's part Italian, you know. Very supple. He has incredible upper-body strength
Doctor: I think we should have a talk
Mrs Wormwood: So what is it? What's wrong with me?
Doctor: Mrs Wormwood, do you really have no idea?
Mrs Wormwood: Wind?
Doctor: Mrs Wormwood, I want you to think very carefully. Now, what do you think might be the cause of this?
Mrs Wormwood: Am I... Am I... Uh, look, am I fat?
Doctor: Mrs Wormwood, you're pregnant
Mrs Wormwood: WHAT?!?
Doctor: You're going to have a baby
Mrs Wormwood: But I've got a baby! I don't want another one! Isn't there something you can do?
Doctor: You're nine months pregnant!
Mrs Wormwood: Antibiotics or... oh, my good Lord! What about the golden shoe?
Doctor: A baby, Mrs Wormwood, a child. The most precious gift the natural world can bestow us has been handed to you. A brand-new human being. A life. A person. A wonderful new person is about to come into your life to bring love, and magic, and happiness, and wonder
Mrs Wormwood: Oh, bloody hell!
Doctor:
Ev'ry life I bring into this world
Restores my faith in human kind
Each new-born life, a canvas yet unpainted
This still unbroken skin, this uncorrupted mind
Every life is unbelievably unlikely
The chances of existence almost infinitely small
The most common thing in life is life
And yet, ev'ry single life
Ev'ry new life is a miracle!
Miracle!
Spoken:
Mr Wormwood: Where is he? Where is my son?
Doctor: Mr Wormwood, are you smoking?
Mr Wormwood: What? Oh, of course, doctor, what am I thinking? This calls for a proper smoke
Mrs Wormwood: Who won? Was it Jennifer Littleton? Maybe I can get a later flight or something
Doctor: Mrs Wormwood, please stay where you are. As I keep telling you, you are in no shape to dance the tarantella
Mr Wormwood: Oh, my word, he's an ugly little thing, ain't he?
Doctor: This is one of the most beautiful little children I've ever seen!
Mr Wormwood: You need gla**es, mate, he looks like a prune! Oh, my good Lord, where's his thingy!
Doctor: What?
Mr Wormwood: His doo-dah. His what-dya-ma-call-it. What you done with his thingy?
Doctor: This child doesn't have a "thingy", Mr Wormwood
Mr Wormwood: What?!? A boy with no thingy? Look what you done, you stupid woman, this boy's got no thingy!
Doctor: Mr Wormwood, this child is a girl. A girl! A beautiful, beautiful little girl
Mrs Wormwood: Just put me out me misery, was it Jennifer Littleton or not?
Mr Wormwood: Of course it was Jennifer Littleton. Here, I don't suppose we could exchange it for a boy, could we?
Mrs Wormwood: This is the worst day of my life!
Mrs Wormwood:
Oh, my undercarriage doesn't feel quite normal
My skin looks just revolting in this foul fluorescent light
And this gown is nothing like the semi-formal, semi-Spanish gown
I should be wearing in the semi-finals tonight
I should be dancing the tarantella
Qui mon fella Italiano
Not dressed in hospital cotton
With a smarting front bottom
And this horrible
(Doctor: Miracle!)
Smelly little
(Doctor: Miracle!)
Wrinkly little ball of fat
(Mr Wormwood: What the hell is that?)
Can someone give this thing a bottle?
(Mr Wormwood: Or swap it for a later model?)
Mr and Mrs Wormwood:
Why do bad things always happen to good people?
Fine upstanding citizens like you and me
Why, when we've done nothing wrong
Should this disaster come along?
This horrible, weird-looking
Hairy little, stinky thing
With no sign of a winky-ding at all!
Doctor: Miracle! Miracle!
Nurses: She's a miracle!
Doctor: A miracle!
Nurses: A miracle! The most
Doctor: Ev'ry life's a miracle
Doctor and nurses: beautiful miracle I have every seen!
Mr Wormwood: I can't find his frank and beans!
Doctor:
Every life is unbelievably unlikely
The chances of existence almost infinitely small
The most common thing in life is life
And yet, ev'ry single life, ev'ry new life
Is a miracle!
Miracle!
Miracle!
All (adults echo chidlren):
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me!
My mummy says I'm a miracle
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a mirror ball
You can be all cynical, but it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle
A miracle as miracle as me!
Matilda:
My mummy says I'm a lousy little worm
My daddy says I'm a bore
My mummy says I'm a jumped-up little germ
That kids like me should be against the law
My daddy says I should learn to shut my pie hole
No one likes a smart-mouthed girl like me
Mum says I'm a good case for population control
Dad says I should watch more TV