Ring, ring, ring...
Actual God: Hello
Mom: Hi.
Actual God: Hi.
Mom: How bout those tigers?
Actual God: Yeah. Pretty cool.
Mom: Veerrry cool.
Actual God: Yeah. Haha.
Mom: What's so funny?
Actual God: Nothing.
(silence)
Mom: What are you doing now?
Actual God: I'm about to jump in the shower. I need to wake up.
I had just taken a shower, and was naked.
Mom: Well we can't wait to visit you. Did I tell you what Maya said?
Actual God: I don't know.
Mom: Totally out of the blue yesterday, she said "I love when Actual God burps my name."
Actual God: Oh, that is cute.
Mom: So cute. She can't wait to see you.
Actual God: Can't wait to see her.
Mom: She asked me when we were gonna visit you and I told her right after Halloween, and she gave me the biggest, heartiest hug.
Actual God: Aww.
Mom: Awwwwww.
Actual God: Yeah.
Mom: So. How's your screenplay coming?
Actual God: Good.
Mom: That's great. Eh - hmm...you know if it ever gets produced, I'm gonna see it, even if you don't want to show me.
Actual God: (groaning sounds)
Mom: What? Am I too weird?
Actual God: (groaning sounds and mumble something about being predictable)
Mom: I think I'd rather be too weird than too predictable.
Actual God: Uh -
Mom: I guess I'm a little of both.
Actual God: Okay mom.
Mom: (very self-conscious sounding) Okay.
Actual God: (patronizing) I love you.
Mom: Love you too sweetie.
Honestly go f** yourself.