i am going to rip a bone out of my leg and play it like an instrument,
producing a sound like the one that windows make when a
train rolls by
i am going to shave my moustache and take the little hairs
out of my sink with a damp kleenex and glue them all together to
spell ‘EVERYBODY EVER'
i am going to cut my ears off with the pliers of hope
i am going to gauge my eyes with the broken screwdriver of luck and chance
i am going to pull my tongue and teeth out with my bare hands,
and feel surprised -
as if this wasn't already a daily occurrence
i am going to hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil
b**hes...
i am going to glue my newly a**embled moustache back on with
“super-glue” that will prove to be D grade in quality and highly
ineffective as time elapses and as my real one starts to grow back
i am going to sneak to my downstairs bathroom while you are
asleep, so you don't hear the noises i make when i poop
i am going to drink until i throw up and then drink more
because i can and because i have enough alcohol and because it
seems okay
i am going to call somebody i do not know and say “andy, i hate you.”
and they will say “this is not andy, this is julia roberts. i think you
have the wrong number”
and i will say “i am sorry. i have always done better with concepts
than with names and details.”
i am going to remember “that one time when...” with a sense of vague
longing and then i am going to think about the implications of that
memory and stab my brain with a sharp loaf of bread
“julia roberts, i hate you.”
i am going to become increasingly self-absorbed and call myself an
“existentialist”
and you will look confused
and i will say “we are confused.”
and you will look more confused
and i will say “it is okay.”
and we will say “it is okay.”
i am going to smile and jump around and produce amazing kittens that
will fall from my bu*t hole and run away and then i am going to
contemplate suicide and fall asleep with a half-empty bottle of whiskey in
my hand, because it is impossible to feel any other way than these two ways ever
i am going to be amazing and free and happy once i decide to be
i honestly feel like i am capable of doing something amazing