There's a crocodile under my bed
My parents think that I've gone to my head
And the doctors think that I'm schizo
But haven't you seen the empty bag of pretzels
On my beddy-side, I feed him them every night
So don't give me any of this schizophreni sh**e
Like an elder brother I never had
His name's Dave, hey Dave (‘hey Calum'), when I've ever had
A problem, I can talk about it with him
But we have good banter too, you think I'm bullsh**ting
When I meet you on the street, you think I'm mental
When I said ‘Yeah, have you met my friend yet'
You're like ‘Sorry, who's this you're talking about'
And I'm like ‘He's standing next to me'
This girl's been texting me every week
Now my mate's like ‘Wow
You messed up big time, bro
If you say your mate's an invisible amphibian
Who wears a baseball cap, if you say all that
...
I think you need to seek out
Medical attention'
And when my friend said my head
Was all that screwed up
Well, my family thought that too, yeah
So they sent me to a special place
A medical place
All the doctor said was ‘You're mental, mate'
My parents' anxiety multiplied like mitosis
When they heard about the diagnosis
But then came the day when the doctor saw
The crocodile open the door