Adam Kay:
It's Christmas eve
I'm on the forecourt
To buy a present
From the Wild Bean Café
There's packs of cigarettes
There's packs of moist towelettes
There's Dan Brown audio ca**ettes
And sacks of charcoal briquettes
Suman Biswas:
Where the f**'ve you been, I've been waiting for hours
Adam Kay:
Oh don't be so cross, look I've brought you some flowers
Suman Biswas:
These flowers are dead, and they're from our front lawn
Adam Kay:
I've also brought twiglets, a torch, and some p**n
Suman Biswas:
You're an ungrateful ba*tard for pulling this stunt
You nobhead, you sh**bag
Adam Kay:
Insufferable c*nt!
At least I don't need tweezers to handle my penis
Suman Biswas:
Stick that torch up your arse
Make this Christmas our last!
Both:
And everywhere around the world
From here to Galway Bay...
There are couples
Splitting up...
On Christmas day!