Zach Sherwin - Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers lyrics

[Intro] EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY! LAO TZU, SUN TZU, AND CONFUCIUS! VERSUS! NIETZSCHE, SOCRATES, AND VOLTAIRE! BEGIN! [Socrates] I'm coming off the Acropolis to start some pandemonium Don't bring limp raps to a pimp slap symposium The mad gadfly, philosophy was my invention [Nietzsche] Rolling with the flyest nihilist [Voltaire] And me, their French henchman [Nietzsche] We got the wisdom [Voltaire] And the wit [Socrates] That even I couldn't question [Voltaire] Dropping Western medicine [West] On these East infections [Nietzsche] It's evident [Voltaire] You've never been [West] Our type of mental brethren We're better [Nietzsche] Thinkers [Socrates] Better speakers [Voltaire] Better lovers, [All] Better men [EAST] [Confucius] This type of arrogance is sure to be expected From men who speak of wisdom with no clue of what respect is [Lao Tzu] You westerners are sloppy, needing discipline in life You lack control of yourselves, and of the mic [Sun Tzu] While we use precise strikes to disrupt your concentration [Confucius] Hand you an a**-whipping our descendants will honor for generations [Sun Tzu] We filled a nation [Lao Tzu] With patience [Sun Tzu] And the presence [Confucius] For living [East] And you'll never hold a candle to the wisdom we've written [WEST] [Nietzsche] Oh, I'll give you something you can bow and kowtow to When I squat down and squeeze out a Tao of Pooh on Lao Tzu You need to take control of the life you're given They call me Übermensch, cause I'm so driven [Voltaire] And I'm a freethinker So confronting conformists like you? It's my job Got a sharp wit, like a spit that'll skewer you like a Confu-shish-kebab (Oh!) You flubbed the mission, I'm beating your submissive a** into submission Dishing out more disses than letters and pamphlets and plays that I've been publishing [Socrates] Now that we've covered the two Yin and Yang twins, I can move onto Jackie Chan Sun Tzu, I'll be picking apart your Wu with my method, man This seminal general isn't so tough on the mic All your men must be like, 'yo, what happened?' You're pitiful lyrically Lucky for history, you didn't author the Art of Rapping [EAST] [Sun Tzu] b**h, I wrote the Art of War so you better get your guns out These white boys getting burned ‘cause guess what? Now the Sun's out Asians spitting sick, but no, this isn't SARS Laozi, kick the beat, now Confucius, drop some bars [Confucius] Let me be Candide with you, Voltaire French drip with the egg noodle hair Your ego's just so distracting Free speech doesn't mean just keep yapping And you k**ed God, so I gotta ask: Did he die of shame when he made your moustache? You try to plan a new German psyche But you just grew hate, me no Third Reichy [Sun Tzu] And it all starts with you, you're the father, Socrates Honestly, I think you owe both of your students here an apology [WEST] [Nietzsche] I wouldn't exactly call myself a student of this plebe Don't make Nietzsche come over and put a knee up in your chi Cause I'm N-I-E-T-Z-S-C-H-E And I'll end any motherf**er like my name in a spelling bee [Socrates] Plebe, b**h? I'm toxic like a hemlock sip Hang a sandal on the door cause you can s** Soc's dick [Voltaire] Sacrebleu, Socrates! You're making things a little tense Come, let's blind these Chinese hinies with some shiny bright enlightenment [Socrates] I'll not be taught camaraderie from a frog who rigged the lottery You make a mockery of ethics, so keep your fat nose in your coffee [Voltaire] Let me be frank, don't start beef with The Frank Who hangs with B. Franks, giving ladies beef franks [EAST] [Sun Tzu] I have turned them on themselves, their chaos is our opportunity [Lao Tzu] You must remember, a bowl is most useful when it is empty [Sun Tzu] Ugh, Laozi, I don't mean no disrespect But you need to fill your bowl with some sh** that makes some sense [Lao Tzu] Oh, you don't want to stand in the path of Lao Tzu today I'll make you move, b**h, get out the way [Confucius] Yo, where in the tradition of rap battles is it written That two dudes on the same team should squabble like some clucking chickens? [Sun Tzu] Man, Confucius, you always trying to put something in its place Why don't you tell your eyebrows they need to fit better on your face? [Confucius] Okay, I see, you wanna make it like that? I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat So here's the real golden rule, I'm way above you weak rookies Confucius say you can all hold these fortune cookies [Outro] WHAT IS WINNING? WHO IS NEXT? YOU DECIDE! EPIC! QUIET!!! RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!