Woody Allen - Private Life lyrics

This is my third night here, I haven't been here in about eight months now, was the last time I was here, and since I was here last, a lot of significant things have occured in my private life, that I thought we could go over tonight and evaluate. I moved, let me start right at the very beginning, I formerly lived in Manhattan, uptown east in a brownstone building, but I was constantly getting mugged and a**aulted and...sadistically beaten about the face and neck. So I moved into a doormanned apartment house on Park Avenue, that's rich and secure and expensive and great, and I lived there for two weeks, and my doorman attacked me. I don't know what else has happened...Oh I know, I became a corporation since I was here the last time. Last year I had difficulty with my income tax. I tried to take my an*lyst off as a business deduction, y'know. The government said it was entertainment, y'know, we compromised finally and made it a religious contribution. I formed a corporation this year, and I'm the president, my mother is vice president, my father is secretary and my grandmother is treasurer, my uncle is on the board of directors, and they got together the first week, and they tried to squeeze me out. I formed a power block with my uncle and we sent my grandmother to jail. I went to NYU myself, I was a philo-major there, too. I took all the abstract philosophy courses in college, like truth and beauty, advanced truth and beauty, intermediate truth, introduction to God, d**h 101. I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year, I cheated on my metaphysics final in college, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. They threw me out, and my mother, who is a really sensitive woman, when I got thrown out of college, she locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mahjong tiles. I was in an*lysis, you should know that about me, I was in group an*lysis when I was younger, 'cause I couldn't afford private...I was captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. Also, I have a cousin, that my parents loved more than me, that really destroyed me. Ah, I have a boy cousin that went through four years of college and became a mutual fund salesman, and he married a very thin girl from the neighbourhood, who had her nose lifted by a golf pro, y'know...(bok) Hit it and just...hooked up over her head, and they moved to the suburbs and they have all kinds of status symbols, they have their own home and stationwagon and fire insurance and life insurance and mutual funds and his wife has orgasmic insurance or something. If her husband fails to satisfy her s**ually, Mutual of Omaha has to pay her every month. I don't know what else to tell you about myself, I was a writer and an actor, I was a television writer and, ah, I wasn't an actor, I was in acting cla**. We did a play in acting cla** by Paddy Chayefsky called "Gideon", and I played the part of God, in "Gideon". It was typecasting. It was method acting, so two weeks beforehand, I started to live the part offstage, y'know. I really came on God, there, I was really fabulous, I put on a blue suit, I took taxi cabs all over New York. I tipped big, 'cause he would have. I got into a fight with a guy, and I forgave him. It's true. Some guy hit my fender and I said unto him...I said, "Be fruitful and multiply", but not in those words.