William Wycherley - The Country Wife (Act 3) lyrics

ACT III SCENE 1. (Pinchwife's Lodging) (Later that day) (Alithea and Mrs. Pinchwife revealed) Alithea: Sister, what ails you? You are grown melancholy. Mrs. Pinchwife: Would it not make any one melancholy to see you go every day fluttering about abroad, while I must stay at home like a poor lonely, sullen Bird in a cage? Alithea: Ay, Sister, but you came young and just from the nest to your cage, so that I thought you liked it. Mrs. Pinchwife: Nay, I confess I was quiet enough till my Husband told me what pure lives the London Ladies live abroad with their dancing, meetings and junketings, and dressed in their best gowns, and I warrant you, play at ninepins every day of the week, so they do. (Enter Mr. Pinchwife.) Pinchwife: Come, what's here to do? You are putting the Town pleasures in her head and setting her a-longing. Alithea: You suffer none to give her those longings, you mean, but yourself. Pinchwife: I tell her of the vanities of the Town like a Confessor. Alithea: A Confessor! Just such a Confessor as he that by forbidding a silly Ostler to grease the Horse‟s teeth, taught him to do it. Pinchwife: Come Mistress Flippant, she has been this week in Town and never desired till this afternoon to go abroad. Alithea: Was she not at a Play yesterday? Pinchwife: Yes, but she never asked me. I was myself the cause of her going. Alithea: Then if she ask you again, you are the cause of her asking and not my example. Pinchwife: Well, tomorrow night I shall be rid of you, and the next day before 'tis light she and I'll be rid of the Town and my dreadful apprehensions. Come, be not melancholy, for thou shall go into the Country after tomorrow, Dearest. Mrs. Pinchwife: Let me alone, I am not well. Pinchwife: O, if that be all---what ails my dearest? Mrs. Pinchwife: Truly I don't know, but I have not been well since you told me there was a Gallant at the Play in love with me. Pinchwife: Ha--- Alithea: That's by my example too. Pinchwife: Nay, if you are not well because a lewd Fellow chanced to lie and say he liked you, you'll make me sick too. Mrs. Pinchwife: Of what sickness? Pinchwife: O, of that which is worse than the Plague, Jealousy. Mrs. Pinchwife: Pish, you jeer. Well, but pray Bud, let's go to a Play tonight. Pinchwife: Why are you so eager to see a Play? Mrs. Pinchwife: Faith Dear, I like to look upon the Player men and would see, if I could, the Gallant you say loves me, that's all dear Bud. Alithea: This proceeds from my example. Pinchwife: Come, have a little patience and thou shalt go into the Country on Friday. Mrs. Pinchwife: Therefore I would see first some sights to tell my Neighbors of. Alithea: I'm the cause of this desire too. Pinchwife: But now I think on it, who was the cause of Horner's coming to my Lodging today? That was you. Alithea: No, you, because you would not let him see your handsome Wife out of your Lodging. Mrs. Pinchwife: O Lord! Did the Gentleman come hither to see me, indeed? Pinchwife: No, no. Mrs. Pinchwife: Come, pray Bud, let's go abroad before 'tis late. For I will go, that's flat and plain. Pinchwife: (Aside.) So! the obstinacy already of a Town-wife, and I must, whilst she's here, humor her like one. (Aloud) Sister, how shall we do that she may not be seen or known? Alithea: Let her put on her Mask. Pinchwife: Pshaw, a Mask makes People but more inquisitive and is as ridiculous a disguise as a stage-beard, and if we should meet with Horner, he would be sure to take acquaintance with us, must wish her joy, kiss her, talk to her, leer upon her, and the Devil and all. No, I'll not use her to a Mask, 'tis dangerous. Alithea: How will you do then? Mrs. Pinchwife: Nay, shall we go? The Exchange will be shut, and I have a mind to see that. Pinchwife: So---I have it---I'll dress her up in the Suit we are to carry down to her Brother, little Sir James. Nay, I understand the Town tricks. Come let's go dress her. A Mask! No---a Woman masked, like a covered Dish, gives a Man curiosity and appetite. Alithea: Indeed your comparison is a greasy one, but I had a gentle Gallant used to say a Beauty masked, like the Sun in Eclipse, gathers together more gazers than if it shined out. (Exeunt.) ACT III SCENE 2 (An Exterior Setting) (That Night) (Enter Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant) Dorilant: Engaged to Women and not Sup with us? Horner: Ay, a Pox on them all. Dorilant: Did I ever think to see you keep company with Women in vain? Horner: In vain! No, since I can't love them, to be revenged on them. You may see by Marriage, nothing makes a Man hate a Woman more than her constant conversation. In short, I converse with them as you do with rich Fools; to laugh at them and use them ill. Dorilant: I would no more Sup with Women, unless I could lie with them, than Sup with a rich Coxcomb unless I could cheat him. Harcourt: But hark you, Sir, before you go, a little of your advice. I have other designs upon Women than eating and drinking with them. I am in love with Sparkish's Mistress whom he is to marry tomorrow. Now how shall I get her? (Enter Sparkish, looking about.) Horner: Why, here comes one will help you to her. Harcourt: He, I tell you, is my Rival and will hinder my love. Horner: No, a foolish Rival and a jealous Husband a**ist their Rival‟s designs, for they are sure to make their Women hate them, which is the first step to their love for another Man. Harcourt: But I cannot come near his Mistress but in his company. Horner: Still the better for you, for Fools are most easily cheated when they themselves are accessories, and he is to be bubbled of his Mistress as of his Money by keeping him company. Sparkish: Who is to be bubbled? Faith, let me snack. I haven‟t met with a bubble since Christmas. Gad, I think bubbles are like their Brother Woodco*ks, go out with the cold weather. Harcourt: (Apart to Horner.) A Pox, he did not hear all, I hope. Sparkish: Come, you bubbling Rogues you, where do we sup? Oh, Harcourt, my Mistress tells me you have been making fierce love to her all the Play long, hah, ha! But I . . . Harcourt: I make love to her? Did she tell you so? I see all Women are like these of the Exchange who, to enhance the price of their commodities, report to their fond Customers offers which were never made them. Horner: Ay, Women are as apt to tell before the intrigue as Men after it, and so show themselves the vainer Sex. But hast thou a Mistress, Sparkish? 'Tis as hard for me to believe it as that thou ever hadst a bubble, as you bragged just now. Sparkish: O your Servant, Sir. Are you at your raillery, Sir? But we were some of us beforehand with you today at the Play. The Wits were something bold with you, Sir. Did you not hear us laugh? Harcourt: Yes, But I thought you had gone to Plays to laugh at the Poet‟s wit, not at your own. Sparkish: Gad, the reason why we are so often louder than the Players is because we think we speak more wit, and so become the Poet‟s Rivals in his audience. Harcourt: But, who comes here, Sparkish? (Enter Mr. Pinchwife, and his Wife in Man's Clothes, Alithea, Lucy her Maid.) Sparkish: Oh hide me, there's my Mistress too. (Sparkish hides himself behind Harcourt.) Harcourt: She sees you. Sparkish: But I will not see her, 'tis time to go to Whitehall. Harcourt: Pray, first reconcile me to her. Sparkish: Another time, faith the King will have supped. Horner: Your Servant, Pinchwife, . . . What? He knows us not--- Pinchwife: (To his Wife aside) Come along. Mrs. Pinchwife: Pray, have you any Ballads? Give me six-penny worth? Pinchwife: (Apart to her.) No, Plays are not for your reading. Come along, will you discover yourself? Horner: Who is that pretty Youth with him, Sparkish? Sparkish: I believe his Wife's Brother because he's something like her, but I never saw her but once. Horner: Extremely handsome. I have seen a face like it too. Let us follow them. (Exeunt Pinchwife, Mistress Pinchwife. Alithea, Lucy, Horner, Dorilant following them.) Harcourt: Come, Sparkish, your Mistress saw you and will be angry you go not to her. Besides I would fain be reconciled to her, which none but you can do, dear Friend. Sparkish: Well, that's a better reason, dear Friend. I would not go near her now for her's or my own sake. But I can deny you nothing. Harcourt: I am obliged to you indeed, dear Friend. (Aside) So we are hard put to it when we make our Rival our Procurer, but neither she nor her Brother would let me come near her now. When all's done, a Rival is the best cloak to steal to a Mistress under without suspicion. And when we have once got to her as we desire, we throw him off like other Cloaks. (Exit Sparkish, and Harcourt following him. Re-enter Mr. Pinchwife, Mistress Pinchwife in Man's Clothes, Alithea, Lucy) Pinchwife: (To Alithea.) Sister, if you will not go, we must leave you--- (To Margery) Come let's be gone Mistress Margery. Mrs. Pinchwife: I haven‟t half my belly full of sights yet. Pinchwife: Then walk this way. Mrs. Pinchwife: Lord, what a power of brave signs are here! Stay---the Bull's-head, the Rams-head, and the Stags-head, Dear . . . Pinchwife: Nay, if every Husband‟s proper sign here were visible, they would be all alike. Mrs. Pinchwife: What do you mean by that, Bud? Pinchwife: They would be all Bulls, Stags, and Rams heads. (Exeunt Mr. Pinchwife, Mrs. Pinchwife. Re-enter Sparkish, Harcourt, Alithea, Lucy at the other door.) Sparkish: Come, dear Madam, for my sake you shall be reconciled to him. Alithea: I hate him because he is your Enemy, and you ought to hate him too for making love to me, if you love me. Sparkish: That's a good one, I hate a Man for loving you. If he did love you, 'tis but what he can't help, and 'tis your fault not his if he admires you. I hate a Man for being of my opinion? I'll never do it, by the World. Alithea: Is it for your honor or mine to suffer a Man to make love to me, who am to marry you tomorrow? Sparkish: Is it for your honor or mine to have me jealous? That he makes love to you is a sign you are handsome, and that I am not jealous is a sign you are virtuous. That I think is for your honor. Alithea: But 'tis your honor I am concerned for. Harcourt: But why, dearest Madam, will you be more concerned for his honor than he is himself? Let his honor alone for my sake. Sparkish: Ay, ay, were it for my honor to marry a Woman whose virtue I suspected and could not trust her in a Friend‟s hands? Alithea: You astonish me, Sir, with your want of jealousy. Sparkish: And you make me giddy, Madam, with your virtue and honor. Alithea: Monstrous! Lucy: (Behind.) Well, to see what easy Husbands these Women of quality can meet. Alithea: I tell you then plainly, he pursues me to marry me. Sparkish: Pshaw--- Harcourt: Come, Madam, you see you strive in vain to make him jealous of me. My dear Friend is the kindest Creature in the World to me. Sparkish: Poor fellow. Harcourt: But his kindness is not enough for me without your favor. I would not wrong him nor you for the World. Sparkish: Look you there, hear him, hear him and do not walk away so. (Alithea walks carelessly to and fro) Harcourt: I say I love you that I would not have you miserable and cast yourself away upon so unworthy and inconsiderable a thing as what you see here. Sparkish: No faith, I believe thou would not, now his meaning is plain. Harcourt: Heavens forbid the glory of her Sex should fall so low as into the embraces of such a contemptible Wretch. Sparkish: I knew it Madam. You see he will rather wrong himself than me in giving himself such names. Alithea: Do not you understand him yet? I can no longer suffer his scurrilous abusiveness to you, no more than his love to me. (Offers to go.) Sparkish: Nay, nay, Madam, pray stay, since you have not yet understood him. Answer to thy Catechism, Friend. Do you love my Mistress here? Harcourt: Yes, I wish she would not doubt it. Sparkish: But how do you love her? Harcourt: With all my Soul. Alithea: Methinks he speaks plain enough now. Sparkish: But with what kind of love, Harcourt? Harcourt: With the best and truest love in the World. Sparkish: Look you there then, that is with no matrimonial love, I'm sure. Alithea: How's that, do you say matrimonial love is not best? Sparkish: Gad, I went too far ere I was aware. But speak for thyself Harcourt, you said you would not wrong me nor her. Harcourt: Who knows how to value so much beauty and virtue? Sparkish: Aye . . . Harcourt: Whose love can no more be equaled in the world than that Heavenly form of yours. Sparkish: No . . . Harcourt: Who could no more suffer a Rival than your absence. Sparkish: No . . . Harcourt: Who loves you better than his eyes that first made him love you. Sparkish: Ay---nay, Madam, faith you shan't go till . . . Alithea: Have a care, lest you make me stay too long . . . Sparkish: But till he has saluted you, that I may be a**ured you are friends after his honest advice and declaration. Come pray, Madam, be friends with him. (Enter Mr. Pinchwife, Mistress Pinchwife.) Alithea: You must pardon me, Sir, that I am not yet so obedient to you. Pinchwife: What, invite your Wife to kiss Men? Monstrous, are you not ashamed? Sparkish: Are you not ashamed that I should have more confidence in the chastity of your Family than you have? Sir, I am frank, Sir . . . Pinchwife: Very frank, Sir, to share your Wife with your friends. Sparkish: He is a humble, menial Friend. Pinchwife: A menial Friend! You will get a great many menial Friends by showing your Wife as you do. Sparkish: What then, it may be I have a pleasure in it, as I have to show fine Clothes at a Playhouse and count money before poor Rogues. Pinchwife: He that shows his wife or money will be in danger of having them borrowed sometimes. Sparkish: I love to be envied and would not marry a Wife that I alone could love. Loving alone is as dull as eating alone. Tell you the truth, it may be I love to have Rivals in a Wife, and so good night, for I must to Whitehall. Madam, I hope you are now reconciled to my Friend, and so I wish you a good night, Madam, and sleep if you can, for tomorrow you know I must visit you early with a Canonical Gentleman. Good night, dear Harcourt. (Exit Sparkish.) Harcourt: Madam, I hope you will not refuse my visit tomorrow if it should be earlier, with a Canonical Gentleman, than Mr. Sparkish's. Pinchwife: This Gentlewoman is yet under my care, therefore you must yet forbear your freedom with her, Sir. (Coming between Alithea and Harcourt.) Harcourt: Must, Sir . . . Pinchwife: Yes, Sir, she is my Sister. Harcourt: 'Tis well she is, Sir---for I must be her Servant, Sir. Madam . . . Pinchwife: Come away, Sister, we had been gone if it had not been for you, and so avoided these lewd Rakehells who seem to haunt us. (Enter Horner, Dorilant to them.) Horner: How now Pinchwife? Pinchwife: Your Servant. Horner: What, I see a little time in the Country makes a Man turn wild and unsociable and only fit to converse with his Horses, Dogs and his Herds. Pinchwife: I have business, Sir, and must mind it. Your business is pleasure, therefore you and I must go different ways. Horner: Well, you may go on, but this pretty young Gentleman . . . (Takes hold of Mrs. Pinchwife) Harcourt: The Lady . . . Dorilant: And the Maid . . . Horner: Shall stay with us, for I suppose their business is the same with ours, pleasure. Pinchwife: (Aside) 'Sd**h he knows her, she carries it so sillily. Yet if he does not, I should be more silly to discover it first. Alithea: Pray, let us go, Sir. Pinchwife: Come, come--- Horner: (to Mrs. Pinchwife.) Had you not rather stay with us? Prithee Pinchwife, who is this pretty young Gentleman? Pinchwife: One to whom I'm a guardian. (Aside.) I wish I could keep her out of your hands . . . Horner: Who is he? I never saw anything so pretty in all my life. Pinchwife: Pshaw, do not look upon him so much, he's a poor bashful youth. You'll put him out of countenance. Come away, Brother. (Offers to take her away.) Horner: O your Brother! Pinchwife: Yes, my Wife's Brother. Come, come, she'll stay supper for us. Horner: I thought so, for he is very like her I saw you at the Play with, whom I told you I was in love with. Mrs. Pinchwife: (Aside) O Jeminy! Is this he that was in love with me? I am glad on it I vow, for he's a curious fine Gentleman, and I love him already too. (to Mr. Pinchwife.) Is this he, Bud? Pinchwife: (To his Wife.) Come away, come away. Horner: Why, what haste are you in? Why won‟t you let me talk with him? Pinchwife: Because you'll debauch him. He's yet young and innocent, and I would not have him debauched for anything in the World. (Aside) How she gazes on him! The Devil! Horner: Harcourt, Dorilant, look you here. This is the likeness of that Dowdy he told us of, his Wife. Did you ever see a lovelier Creature? The Rogue has reason to be jealous of his Wife, since she is like him, for she would make all that see her in love with her. Dorilant: She is indeed very pretty, if she be like him. Harcourt: More beautiful than a Poet's first Mistress of Imagination. Horner: Or another Man's last Mistress of flesh and blood. Mrs. Pinchwife: Nay, now you jeer, Sir. Pray don't jeer me . . . Pinchwife: Come, come. (Aside) By Heavens she'll discover herself. Horner: I speak of your Sister, Sir. Pinchwife: (To his Wife.) Come, come away, I say--- Horner: Nay, by your leave, Sir, he shall not go yet--- (To them.) Harcourt, Dorilant, let us torment this jealous Rogue a little. Harcourt, Dorilant: How? Horner: I'll show you. Pinchwife: Come, pray let him go. I cannot stay fooling any longer. I tell you his Sister stays supper for us. Horner: Does she? Come then. we'll all go sup with her and thee. Pinchwife: No, now I think on it, having stayed so long for us, I warrant she's gone to bed- (Aside) I wish she and I were well out of their hands. (Aloud) Come, I must rise early tomorrow, come. Horner: Well then, if she be gone to bed, I wish her and you a good night. But pray, young Gentleman, present my humble service to her. Mrs. Pinchwife: Thank you heartily, Sir. Pinchwife: (Aside) S'd**h, she will discover herself yet in spite of me. Horner: Tell her, dear sweet little Gentleman, for all your Brother there, that you have revived the love I had for her at first sight in the Playhouse. Mrs. Pinchwife: But did you love her indeed, and indeed? Pinchwife: Away, I say. Horner: Nay stay. Yes indeed, and indeed, pray do you tell her so and give her this kiss from me. (Kisses her.) Pinchwife: (Aside) O Heavens! What do I suffer? Now 'tis too plain he knows her. Horner: And this, and this--- (Kisses her again.) Mrs. Pinchwife: What do you kiss me for? I am no Woman. Pinchwife: Come, I cannot nor will stay any longer. Horner: Nay, they shall send your Lady a kiss too. Here Harcourt, Dorilant, will you not? (They kiss her.) Pinchwife: (Aside) How, do I suffer this? Was I not accusing another just now for permitting his Wife to be kissed before his face? Ten thousand ulcers gnaw away their lips. (Aloud) Come, come. Horner: Good night dear little Gentleman. Madam goodnight. Farewell Pinchwife. (Apart to Harcourt and Dorilant.) Did not I tell you I would raise his jealous gall? (Exeunt Horner, Harcourt and Dorilant.) Pinchwife: So they are gone at last. Stay, let me see first if the Coach be at this door. (Exit Pinchwife. Horner, Harcourt, Dorilant return.) Horner: What not gone yet? Will you be sure to do as I desired you, sweet Sir? Mrs. Pinchwife: Sweet Sir, but what will you give me then? Horner: Anything. Come away into the next walk. (Exit Horner, hauling away Mrs. Pinchwife.) Alithea: Hold, hold,---what do you do? Lucy: Stay, stay, hold . . . Harcourt: Hold Madam, hold, let him present him. He'll come presently. Nay, I will never let you go till you answer my question. (Alithea, Lucy struggling with Harcourt and Dorilant.) Lucy: For God's sake, Sir, I must follow them. Dorilant: No, I have something to present you with too. You shan't follow them. (Pinchwife returns.) Pinchwife: Where?---how?---what's become of? gone--- whither? Lucy: He's only gone with the Gentleman who will give him something, and it please your Worship. Pinchwife: Something! Give him something with a Pox! Where are they? Alithea: In the next walk only, Brother. Pinchwife: Only, only; where, where? (Exit Pinchwife, and returns presently, then goes out again.) Harcourt: What's the matter with him? Why so much concerned? But dearest Madam . . . Alithea: Pray, let me go, Sir. I have said and suffered enough already. Harcourt: Then you will not look upon my sufferings? Alithea: To look upon them when I cannot help them were cruelty, not pity. Therefore I will never see you more. Harcourt: Let me then, Madam, have my privilege of a banished Lover. If you cannot condescend to marry me, you should not take that wretch my Rival. Alithea: He only can give me a reason why I should not marry him. But if he be true, and what I think him to me, I must be so to him. Your Servant, Sir. Harcourt: Have Women only constancy when 'tis a vice, and like fortune only true to fools? Dorilant: (To Lucy, who struggles to get from him) Thou shall not stir thou robust Creature. You see I can deal with you, therefore you should stay the rather and be kind. (Enter Pinchwife.) Pinchwife: Gone, gone, not to be found. Quite gone, ten thousand plagues go with them. Which way went they? Alithea: But into the other walk, Brother. Lucy: Their business will be done presently sure, and it please your Worship. It can't be long in doing I'm sure on it. Alithea: Are they not there? Pinchwife: No, you know where they are, you infamous Wretch, Eternal shame of your Family, which you do not dishonor enough yourself, you think, but you must help her to do it too, thou legion of Bawds. Alithea: Good Brother. Alithea: Look you here, she's coming. (Enter Mistress Pinchwife in Man's clothes, running with her hat under her arm full of Oranges and dried fruit, Horner following.) Mrs. Pinchwife: O dear Bud, look you here what I have got, see. The fine Gentleman has given me better things yet. Pinchwife: Has he so? Horner: I have only given your little Brother an Orange, Sir. Pinchwife: Thank you, Sir. (Aside) You have only squeezed my Orange, I suppose, and given it me again. (To his Wife.) Come, come away. Mrs. Pinchwife: Stay, till I have put up my fine things, Bud. (Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget.) Sir Jaspar: O Master Horner, come, come, the Ladies stay for you. Your Mistress, my Wife, wonders you make not more haste to her. Horner: I have stayed this half-hour for you here, and 'tis your fault I am not now with your Wife. Sir Jaspar: But pray, don't let her know so much. The truth on it is, I was advancing a certain Project to his Majesty, about---I'll tell you. Horner: No, let's go and hear it at your house. Good night sweet little Gentleman. One kiss more, you'll remember me now I hope. (Kisses her.) Dorilant: What, Sir Jaspar, will you separate Friends? He promised to sup with us, and if you take him to your house, you'll be in danger of our company too. Sir Jaspar: Alas, Gentlemen, my house is not fit for you. There are none but civil Women there, which are not for your turn. He, you know, can bear with the society of civil Women now, ha, ha, ha! Besides he's one of my Family;---he's---heh, heh, heh. Dorilant: What is he? Sir Jaspar: Faith, my Eunuch, since you'll have it, heh, he, he. (Exit Sir Jaspar Fidget and Horner) Dorilant: I rather wish thou wert his or my Cuckold. Harcourt, what a good Cuckold is lost there for want of a Man to make him one. Thee and I cannot have Horner‟s privilege, who can make use of it. Pinchwife: Come. Mrs. Pinchwife: Presently Bud. Dorilant: Come let us go too. (To Alithea) Madam, your Servant. (To Lucy) Good night, Strapper. (Exit) Harcourt: Madam, though you will not let me have a good day or night, I wish you one. But dare not name the other half of my wish. Alithea: Good night, Sir, forever. (Exit) Mrs. Pinchwife: I don't know where to put this. Here, dear Bud, you shall eat it. Pinchwife: Indeed I deserve it, since I furnished the best part of it. (Strikes away the Orange.) The Gallant treats, presents and gives the Ball; But 'tis the absent Cuckold pays for all.