Waldfield - Facebook Best-Ofs: 2013 lyrics

January 5, 2013 One of my old students came to visit me yesterday. She told me her roommate records Lets Plays, sometimes while she's in the room. I told her to sneeze the text time they were making one, to see if it would show up in the video. January 15, 2013 Why is making it rain on b**hes slang? Picture a group of b**hes literally walking home in the rain. Does this image appeal to anyone? Their hair and clothes and makeup are all ruined. Maybe one of them had a book out from the library and now it's water damaged and she has to pay fines on it. February 11, 2013 Maybe one day you'll be in your 50s and you'll think back to this status. March 2, 2013 "Dolemite is my name, and f**in' up mother f**ers is my game." (Waldfield visits Dolemite's house.) Waldfield: Hey Dolemite, would you like to play some Scrabble? Dolemite: Nope. March 7, 2013 Student: If you were a superhero, what would your name be? Me: I'd be called the Green Arrow. And people would go, Oh, you're that archer guy? And I'd say no that's a different Green Arrow. He and I just happen to have the same name. March 13, 2013 It turns out that a nything can become a hai ku. Just not a good March 15, 2013 I have huge empathy with little children and I'm very good at telling how they feel. I have NO IDEA how to influence it though. I'll just realize "oh they think I'm creepy and they want me to leave." March 30, 2013 going to make a series of political cartoons where jesus is labeled "waldfield" and then the cross / crown of thorns / etc are labeled things like "youtube" or "fame" or "waldfield's genius" March 30, 2013 jesus is labeled waldfield and is shaking hands with superman (also labeled waldfield) April 24, 2013 If you look at an essay written by one of the students in my remedial cla**, and you try to figure out what they think an apostrophe means, you will actually lose your mind. May 9, 2013 i am excited about the cicadas and if you say anything negative about them you are a villain May 9, 2013 mathematically, cicadas are 17x more magical than christmas May 9, 2013 i want to run around naked and roll in cicadas no, my facebook was not hacked May 9, 2013 perhaps if i cover myself in honey, thousands of cicadas will swarm around me and lift me up to their cicada kingdom in the clouds May 10, 2013 i would run a cicada countdown but nobody knows exactly when they will come May 10, 2013 This is a terrible time to live anywhere other than the east coast of the united states. #cicadas May 10, 2013 HOORAY, THEY ARE HEEEEEEERE (they are not here yet; i am just practicing) #cicadas May 10, 2013 It may be another 3 weeks before they show up and another 3 before they leave. You may have 6 weeks of these posts. #cicadas May 11, 2013 Cicada watch news: there is nothing to report today. Please check back later for more information. #cicadas May 15, 2013 #mnemonicaids If you're having trouble remembering whether the decade is called the aughts or the oughts, just recite: "There was no trace / of aught on that illumined face" (Samuel Coleridge) May 15, 2013 Alternately you could just remember that "ought" means "should." Do you really think the decade is called the shoulds??? May 18, 2013 If the FBI ever looked through my google history, they'd be like, "oh, this guy is pretty cool" May 18, 2013 Cmon cicadas!!!! #impatient #cicadas May 26, 2013 Bring happiness into someone else's life Like mine May 27, 2013 Still waiting. #cicadas May 29, 2013 My coworkers had a contest to see who could lose the most weight, but the joke is on them. Before the first weigh-in, I swallowed ten pounds of quarters. June 2, 2013 the week i am going to travel across states might coincide with the height of the cicadas. i am actually thinking of canceling the trip. June 5, 2013 When I was a college freshman I saw some writing in a bathroom stall. It read, "I love beaver." I took out my pen and changed it to "I leave it to beaver." June 6, 2013 where where where are the cicadas June 7, 2013 Time to start using the third person to refer to myself. I mean himself. Waldself. This may not be worth the effort. June 7, 2013 WHAT? NO. NOOOOOOO. THIS CAN'T BE TRUE. YOU PROMISED US. THIS ISN'T REAL. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/for-a-lot-of-us-there-will-be-no-cicadas-this-year/2013/06/03/4491b4c2-cc6b-11e2-8845-d970ccb04497_story.html NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! June 7, 2013 Waldfield is not going to eat, sleep, or talk to anybody for a while. I cannot handle this news. Do not try to cheer me up. You will only make it worse. June 8, 2013 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oH1rOL5hB9s #cicadas June 8, 2013 Imagine if you were a kid and you found out that christmas was canceled. For seventeen years. #cicadas June 8, 2013 Cicadas aren't even due again until I'm 47 years old. And who knows if they'll come that time, either. June 8, 2013 "Is Waldfield okay?" wonder his concerned fans. He isn't. June 8, 2013 Years from now when I write my autobiography, this incident will go down as one of the hardships I faced. June 8, 2013 To those who liked any of my statuses in the last two days: I'M GLAD MY MISERY IS SO ENTERTAINING June 8, 2013 Should I start cutting, will you Like that too June 8, 2013 ;_; June 8, 2013 waldfield didn't undergo a loss of innocence until age 30 June 8, 2013 i used to think i could trust the newspapers, and that the world was a fair place June 12, 2013 going to watch birdemic 2 now DONT WORRY i will give you a full review June 12, 2013 So far I'm liking it. (This wasn't the full review.) June 21, 2013 I vow to uphold the values of Waldfield every day in both word and deed. I vow to honor Waldfield's work with praise befitting its grandeur. I vow never to harm Waldfield or allow him to be harmed through omission of action. I vow to place Waldfield above myself and my loved ones in consideration of need. (Please take the Waldfield pledge of loyalty today.) June 24, 2013 I sold my soul to the devil to learn how to edit YTPs. Then I bought it back from him for some old comic books and a skateboard. Then satan had buyer's remorse and wanted my soul back, so I sold it back to him for even more comic books than I gave him originally. But first I tied a string to my soul, so when satan wasn't looking I could give it a tug and get it back. AND keep the comic books! July 2, 2013 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Or was it? July 8, 2013 Track one on this Richie Havens album is "I'm on my way." Track two is "I'm leaving" OH SNAP HE WAS LYING IN TRACK ONE July 8, 2013 "I burned my fingers on the coffee pot of love" why am I still listening to Richie Havens July 9, 2013 "Might solve a mystery..." Cool, sounds fun! "...or rewrite history! WHOA, NO, DON'T DO THAT July 13, 2013 "Some are born with Waldfield's dick, others have it thrust upon them." July 17, 2013 I remember one of my cla**es when I was in high school. The a**ignment was, draw a logo for your name. Make it look like something that represents your qualities. Stupid Jason drew his name in regular block lettering, and then gave the letters a shadow. For his description, he wrote, "I drew this to represent my philosophy that there is always a shadow of hope." 1, That's not what comes to mind when someone sees your shadowy logo without reading your attached explanation. 2, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SHADOW OF HOPE. THE EXPRESSION IS "SHADOW OF DOUBT." August 6, 2013 I have a question for all those poets who have compared figs to vaginas. It's a one-word question: What??????? August 6, 2013 Years ago, when I was writing articles for Waldfield's Corner, I teased an upcoming one by posting, "The DC Sniper is back and he's sniper than ever!" My friend at the time asked me, "Wouldn't it be funnier if you wrote 'snipier than ever'?" Very glad we're no longer friends. August 26, 2013 A lot of times I think it would be great to go through life as a beautiful woman but then I realize it would cause people to bother me when I'm in public. September 19, 2013 Ever since I put it in a girl's bu*t my bucket list has been pretty empty. September 24, 2013 In my Picutres folder, there's a Comics folder, and inside that there's a folder called Marvel, but so far literally every picture in there is She-Hulk related September 27, 2013 I really hate this guy who was whistling along with the song at the supermarket. It was three years ago. I still hate him. September 29, 2013 Every few months you should type into google, "sup fbi! thanks for checking in on my search history! i hope you find what you're looking for" October 5, 2013 The courts tried to paint Waldfield as a flawed individual. Nobody believed it. October 5, 2013 The courtroom artist tried to render Waldfield's image. "You didn't make him beautiful enough" cried the public. October 5, 2013 The stenographer typed Waldfield's words. "You have transcribed them correctly but failed to capture their majesty" scolded the judge. October 5, 2013 Waldfield is sworn into the courtroom. He places his right hand on the bible. The officer stammers as he looks into Waldfield's eyes and tries to remember what to say. October 15, 2013 Someone says to you oh nice s**y witch costume. And then you say not so fast, and you hold out one arm and dangle a spider from a pole. Then they say ohhhhh damn a waldfield costume. Looks amazing. October 28, 2013 Waldfield does not give in to the demands of terrorists Unless they're really cute ;D October 29, 2013 Out of the mouths of babes (oft times come my cum). November 4, 2013 I'm a few minutes into a Jeffrey Dahmer documentary. This guy seems pretty weird. Who talks to their neighbors?? November 4, 2013 If one of my neighbors k**ed a bunch of people and reporters wanted to interview me, I couldn't be any help. The most I could say is "Yeah I saw him in the parking lot a few times. Tall guy, right?" November 4, 2013 "What was he like? Was he the quiet type? Did he eat hamburgers and chocolate ice cream? Tell us everything Fielding!" "He would wear jeans a lot... uh...." November 6, 2013 "OK kids let's all write thank-you letters to yesterday's visitor for speaking to us. But, if you don't feel like thanking him, I won't force anybody to write something insincere. If you prefer, you can just write a letter to me, about the topic of your choice." One student goes for option B. Their letter begins, "Dear Mr. Fielding, I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated hearing from yesterday's speaker." aaaarrrrggghhhh November 14, 2013 Writing gay fic must be difficult. "She pulled off her underwear" could mean four unique things. "He pulled off her underwear" means exactly one. December 1, 2013 we sit down with three pediatricians and ask them: when is the right age to speak with your child about waldfield?