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JERK (spoken): Monsieur Kallgren, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that I explain EXACTLY why! And now, I invite you to chillax, let me pull up a care, as America proudly presents...your p0wnage ‘Cause...it's...French ‘Cause it's French You just like it ‘cause it's French Where the cheeses cause diseases with their pestilential stench Go away You Francais! Take your stupid Bastille Day And your rancid ratatouille Cooked by vermin from ze seweys Mon ami Can't you see All their films have such ennui Oh, monsieur, it makes ze human spirit wrench It's just a buncha cryin' I like my French FRYIN' Stupid French! It's not dense It's just French! KYLE: Jean Renoir! Depardieu! François Truffaut! JERK: Sacre bleu! That's just three surrender-monkeys in zat European zoo! KYLE: Marcel Proust! Jean-Paul Sartre! Claude Monet! Rene Descartes! All the finest wine and cheeses! JERK: Jerry Lewis is their Jesus KYLE: Notre Dame And the Louvre Really, what more must I prove? Oh, my thirst for highest culture they doth quench! Your points are all unfair So get your derriere Up off that bench Fists are clenched Cocteau's soul I shall avenge! Why does art Freeze your heart When it's French? JERK: You call him artistic I just call him narcissistic He cared not for what you thought or what I think Ah, the line is fine between the artist And just an artsy-fartsy Barton Fink This film is dull and heinous It's too slow to entertain us! He cares less about the audience than himself! Jean Cocteau's a self-indulgent a**hole Now, with that a**essment I could use a nice refreshment! VEN: Part for me! Part for me! I could play the pot of tea! I can do a British accent and I nearly sing on-key! At the start You were smart When you promised me a part! Now you've left the kettle boiling And my fury's hot and broiling It's my turn You will learn Line producers shan't be spurned! I will not let you exclude me from this bit! Don't leave me suffering! Give me a part to sing! KYLE: But we just did! JERK: We just did! KYLE: That was it VEN: That was IT?! JERK: ‘Cause it's French! ‘Cause it's French! They surrendered in a trench They devour filthy molluscs And their kids, in wine, they drench! They're so chic And unique All those damn “c'est mani-freaks” But to you pretentious hipsters French words may as well be scripture! You...pre...fer Talking frogs To American pig-dogs Or a teapot with the voice of Judi Dench! KYLE: That's Angela Lansbury JERK: But that don't rhyme very Well with French Oh so French Freakin' French You love ze...FRENCH!!!