Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - Kimmy Goes to a Play! lyrics

[Scene starts with Kimmy and Titus walking down the street] KIMMY: Whose ghosts are they? Why are they haunting Pac-Man? What did he do to them? TITUS: (Looks at watch) Mm-hmm, and Kimmy Time is up. KIMMY: But we didn't even get to talk about why the guy in Operation is awake. His eyes are open, and he's having, like, nine surgeries. TITUS: Please, Kimbrella. This is why we have the Kimmy Time system So we can talk about more important things, like Titus. I hear he has news. (Kimmy gasps) Now that I'm no longer legally dead, the restaurant is actually able to pay me. KIMMY: Wait, you haven't been getting paid? TITUS: I'm used to getting paid under the table. (Titus pulls out a pair of pink sungla**es and puts them on) People drop some really cool stuff under there. KIMMY: Ooh. TITUS: I just don't know what to spend all this money on. KIMMY: How about rent, utilities? TITUS: Unicorns, leprechauns. (chuckles) Let's get real. I'm gonna use this money for something for myself. KIMMY: Fine, I'll keep covering the rent and the tapes, but you have to use this money for something that matters, like that. Kimmy gestures to a sign in front of a store that says "OpenTables, DJ Night, Today, Tomorrow". Titus looks over TITUS: DJs? Ew. No. Their poor parents. KIMMY: No. I want you to put on a show. TITUS: Yes. I am in the midst of a personal renaissance My finances, my love life, my eyebrow game. KIMMY: And now your art. Maybe it's a play about aliens who come to Earth, and if they're gonna save that rec center, they're gonna need to start dancing. TITUS: No, I'm gonna do what every actor's friends love most A one-man show, about the most scintillating subject on God's gray earth. KIMMY: You? TITUS: No, baby girl. Me. KIMMY: Great. Lillian enters, she looks at the sign and walks over to Kimmy and Titus LILLIAN: A performance space? (kicks over the sign) TITUS: Cool kick, Lillian. LILLIAN: This neighborhood is changing, and none of us are gonna be able to live here. And they painted over the neighborhood mural of Biggie. (walks over to a blank grate) Now how are we supposed to remember he's dead? TITUS: Why would anyone bother to paint a wall in this neighborhood? It's just gonna get tagged. LILLIAN: But it hasn't. Yesterday, this happened. Twenty-four hours and not one graffito. What a disgrace. Kimmy's phone message sounds, she looks at her phone KIMMY: Sorry, guys. Jacqueline needs me to "get the duck over here," so I've got to figure out where to get one. Central Park. LILLIAN: So young. So talented. So fat. Mm. [Theme Song] CUTTO: Jackie's apartment where she is unrolling a brand new carpet. Kimmy enters through the door, looking at her booklets. KIMMY: Sorry, Ms. White. I went to get a duck, but then some sort of duck policeman...(Kimmy looks up, admiriing the view) Whoa. Look at this place. JACKIE: Yes. Well, I can only afford to stay here until Christmas. The clock is ticking, Kimmy. KIMMY: Like the 60 Minutes theme song. Here, I'll help unpack. (goes to move some boxes, they fly out of her hands as she lifts them with all of her strength, they crash into some lighting) Whoa! Are those empty? Or was one of the spiders that bit me... JACKIE: They're empty. Thanks to the divorce, I don't actually own anything. But for a few months, I could pretend to be dealing with the decorator or waiting for the wall hangings to get out of Syria. These sanctions are k**ing me. KIMMY: But you're doing construction? (gestures at an empty doorway) JACKIE: No. That's to make it look like this...(reveals what is on the other side of the empty doorway, revealing a small bedroom with minimal possessions) goes on for another 5,000 square feet. KIMMY: Whoa. Is that an air mattress? JACKIE: To complete the illusion,(gestures at a painting on the wall) the Mondrian, (gestures at nothing) those Philippe Starck ghost chairs, (gestures at the rug with a dog currently lying on it) this antique Savonnerie. No. Bad dog! (lifts dog off rug) Look what you've done! Bad dog! Kimmy goes to help, but runs head first into a piece of art hanging from the ceiling KIMMY: Oh, it's okay. It's just a little bit of dirt. JACKIE: This rug cost $30,000. KIMMY: Oh! (frantically barrel rolls off of the rug, stands up) I'm sorry, rug. Speaking of money, Ms. White, do you think maybe you could start paying me again? JACKIE: Pay you? No, Kimmy. We're just friends helping each other. I'll go first. Stop sleeping on that (points at the right side of Kimmy's face, Kimmy, feeling self-conscious touches the right side of her face) side of your face. Now you go. KIMMY: Well, I picked up all your old mail. I missed a shift at the Christmas store waiting in line. Did you know the post office is only open 40 minutes a week? JACKIE: Mm. (hands Kimmy the dog and starts going through her mail) Blimp Aficionado. Oh, how nice. (pulls out a nicely sealed envelope) A wedding invitation from the Van Rensselaer twins. KIMMY: Oh, are they getting married on the same day? JACKIE: Actually, they're marrying each other. It's disgusting, but it keeps the money in the family, and they're so in love. (opens envelope) Oh, it's tomorrow? Send my regrets. I can't go to that without a date. KIMMY: Yeah, you're gonna be dating again. And we'll get to have breakfast lunches where we talk about boys, 'cause that's what friends do. Can we get table fries? JACKIE: That reminds me. Kimmy, can you be a friend and run back home? (takes dog from Kimmy) I think I left my fake eyelashes in your bathroom. KIMMY: Wait. So those weren't spiders? Then what was biting me? All the other bugs. CUTTO: Titus's apartment where Titus is writing. Kimmy enters KIMMY: How's the one-man show coming? Are you up to the part where you meet me? Like (sings a tune) Who's that Kimmy knockin' on my door? Eatin' pickle chicken on the hospital floor. TITUS: No, I'm not doing that show anymore. KIMMY: What? You're giving up already? TITUS: I realized the one-man show about my life has been done. Small-town boy moves to the big city to come out of the closet and become a star? That describes literally everyone I know: Rick from work, my old trick Fabian, even the man whose name I will not mention, Coriolan*s Burt. Damn it. CUTTO: Coriolan*s Burt's one man show CORIOLan*s: (catches a self-thrown football) Touchdown! Ha-ha! But the only score I really cared about was the score... (clumsily removes letterman jacket, turns around and places paper whiskers on his face, sings and dances while a member of the audience leaves, unimpressed) To a Broadway show CUTTO: Back to Kimmy and Titus KIMMY: So what? Yours will be better. TITUS: It certainly will, because I'm still doing a show about myself, just not this myself. KIMMY: Oh now I'm confused. TITUS: As you know, I vividly remember all my past lives. There's Cyrus, the first openly gay slave. Alphonse, who almost invented the raisin. And Napoleon, a very sick parrot. KIMMY: No pug dogs? TITUS: For the last time, no! But none of my past selves were more talented or more troubled than the Japanese geisha Murasaki. KIMMY: You're playing a Japanese woman? TITUS: Playing? I was a Japanese woman. KIMMY: Well, if Aisha Tyler can play a white woman on Friends, then I guess it's okay. Kimmy stands up, Titus joins TITUS: Ooh, can you come tomorrow night? I'm gonna start workshopping it. KIMMY: Wow, I'll be in the front row. Should I bring a tarp? Will I get wet? TITUS: Probably. I'm a sweater. Now I just need to get posters printed and buy a new kimono. KIMMY: What's wrong with all your other kimonos? TITUS: A person can outgrow a kimono. It happens all the time. They don't fit anymore. You happy now? Titus storms off, annoyed CUTTO: Jackie sitting on what appears to be nothing, legs crossed, she goes to scold her dog which has found its way back onto the carpet. Kimmy enters JACKIE: Bad dog. Bad! Can you schedule Abattoir a ma**age for tomorrow? KIMMY: Really? So you can spend money on stuff like that? JACKIE: I told you. It's all about appearances right now. If I walk around the city with a stressed-out dog, people are gonna talk. I mean, look at him. He's a wreck. Mimi enters MIMI: It's a disaster! JACKIE: Mimi Kana**is, no shoes on the rug! (Mimi kicks off her shoes and hugs Jackie) How did you get in here? Who told you where I was living? MIMI: My Adderall dealer goes to school with Buckley. Then I showed up downstairs, flashed my pearly whites (gestures at her breasts) at the doorman, and here I am because of the news.(points to the newspaper in her hand, Jackie looks at it) JACKIE: That son of a b**h. How could Julian do this? MIMI: I know. JACKIE: Going public so soon? MIMI: This is exactly what Stanley did to me. Jacqueline, we're the same. Closer than sisters. JACKIE: Is he just trying to hurt me? KIMMY: Ms. White, I'm sorry. MIMI: Oh! Oh, I thought you were a Jeff Koons sculpture of Ronald McDonald. JACKIE: This is so humiliating. MIMI: Oh, I know. You'll get used to it. I did. JACKIE: No. I'm gonna find a date and go to that wedding tomorrow, show everyone how great I'm doing. And it'll be someone even richer than Julian. MIMI: Well, maybe this new guy has a weird brother for me. KIMMY: Wait, so you just want to go back to being arm candy for some old Richie Rich? Ms. White, you worked so hard to get away from all that. I'm not letting you do this. MIMI: Try and stop us! No, please don't. I need this so bad. JACKIE: Pull yourself together, Kana**is. We're going out tonight, and you're my wingman. MIMI: Yes! Turtle gets his! CUTTO: Lillian is walking down the street and notices some graffiti on the grate. A couple of kids are hanging out in front of the graffiti and she approaches them LILLIAN: Hey, hey! Yo, B, who's F-10-5? KID: Never heard of them. They one of those Tejano gangs or something? LILLIAN: Of course! Effe-ten-cinco. Oh, I think I heard of them. Hey maybe there'll be a gang war. Someone gets shot. We paint them on the wall. But maybe they're not really dead. We keep releasing albums. One step at a time, Lillian. One step at a time. Lillian walks off as the kids shrug off the strange encounter they just witnessed CUTTO: Posh lounge in which Mimi and Lillian have just entered in slow motion, wearing black dresses JACKIE: Time to get more Ds than a kid with undiagnosed dyslexia. CUTTO: Inside of the lounge, Mimi is dancing by herself while people are drinking and talking around her not noticing her. Jackie and an old man are sitting down, talking to one another. MIMI: Mm, everyone's looking at me. JACKIE: Tucker Cobblepot, how do you keep getting younger? TUCKER: Oh, I did that thing Trump did, where they gather your head skin up and tie it in a knot on the top of your skull and then cut new face holes in what used to be your neck. JACKIE: It's working. (sits on Tucker's lap) Kimmy enters, wearing a colorful dress KIMMY: Ah-ha-ha-ha! I see you met my grandmother.(pretends to flirt with Tucker, takes the onion out of his co*ktail, failing to seductively eat it)Oh. Mmm. Mmm Mmm. Onion.(tries to flirtatiously sit down but ends up falling backwards into a plant) JACKIE: What are you doing here? KIMMY: I hid in the trunk of your taxi, and I'm not letting you do this. JACKIE: Where were we? Oh-ho-ho, right. You were about to kiss me with your dental slit. TUCKER: No, no, no, believe me, Jacqueline, I'd love to, but I can't. JACKIE: I don't understand. TUCKER: Julian and I are partners in a deal to frack in Central Park. And it's not just me. We all do business with Julian Voorhees. You are strictly off-limits. JACKIE: (gets off of Tucker) Well, then how am I supposed to get back at him? TUCKER: I don't know. k** yourself in his office? I always hate that. (Jackie exits while Kimmy tries to get out of the plant and catches Tucker's attention) I didn't even know I was into this. KIMMY: Ugh! (disgusted, storms off) MIMI: (sits on Tucker's lap) Sloppy thirds. CUTTO: Kimmy chasing Jackie as she's leaving the lounge KIMMY: Ms. White. I'm sorry, but maybe this isn't such a bad thing. JACKIE: Are you kidding? I've been cut off. My only options now are tech nerds or Bobby Flay. KIMMY: Don't ever say that. Gosh, just forget about money. You should be looking for the opposite of Mr. Voorhees A good guy who's faithful and honest and has blond hair and his hands are where his feet should be. JACKIE: Kimmy, you know what would cheer me up right now? If you looked ugly.(Kimmy makes a distorted facial expression) Thank you. CUTTO: Titus putting up posters promoting his one man show "Kimono You Didn't" in the library, afterwards he sits down at a computer TITUS: Now to find someplace to buy a proper costume for tonight. (types, narrating softer and softer with each word) "Kimono. New York. Costume. Husky." My show is on the Internet, where Beyonce and the president live. That poster at the poster store was right, nothing's more effective than a poster. LIBRARIAN: Shh. TITUS: I wonder what computer owners are saying about me. "A forum to advocate Respectful Asian Portrayals in Entertainment." LIBRARIAN: Shh! TITUS: Fine. I will take a silent face journey as I scroll through this comments section. As Titus begins to scroll, he looks increasingly hurt. As he does, the Librarian clears her throat and signals at a sign that says "No Face Journeys" CUTTO: Jackie walking into her dog ma**age parlor to relax her dog DOUGLAS: Good morning. Welcome to Yappy Endings Dog Spa. JACKIE: What happened to Savannah? DOUGLAS: Oh, no one knows. I'm Douglas, and I know exactly who you are. May I say, you look even younger than you did on the cover of Hamptons magazine last year. JACKIE: I do that skin therapy where you put on a helmet full of bees. DOUGLAS: It's working. JACKIE: Anyway, this is my dog-a-poo, Abattoir. DOUGLAS: This is Abattoir? I thought you two were sisters. JACKIE: (laughs) Stop. DOUGLAS: (begins sensually ma**aging Jackie's dog) Oh Ooh. CUTTO: Kimmy and Titus talking in their apartment KIMMY: They called you a Hitler? TITUS: They named me one of their top five Hitlers of all time. Real Hitler wasn't even on the list! Why am I not allowed to be Murasaki? I-she am-was me-her. KIMMY: Titus, those guys are a bunch of hosers. How can they criticize something they haven't even seen? TITUS: 'Cause that's what the Internet is: Just anonymous hosers criticizing geniuses. This is all your fault! You made me do this! KIMMY: Well, I'm gonna talk to the Internet and make it apologize, okay? Anonymous insults like that are never cool except when you write "wash me" on a dirty car. That's just funny, 'cause, like, is it the car saying it? (laughs) CUTTO: Lillian returning to the grate with the graffiti LILLIAN: Hey.(directed towards a by-stander couple) Hey. You see that? This is Effe-ten-cinco territory, putas! (the couple, frightened, quickly walks away as a police car drives past the graffiti) Yeah! Oh, yeah, you You better keep drivin'. Effe-ten-cinco, bacon! (makes a gang-like hand gesture, the car breaks are heard as sirens ring) Run, Lillian! (Lillian exits) CUTTO: Jackie in her apartment, cleaning up Douglas. Kimmy enters JACKIE: Oh, Kimmy, I'm glad you're here. See? I took your advice. I went out and found the opposite of Julian, just like you said. Look at how young and poor he is. His name is Douglas, and he's coasting on looks. DOUGLAS: YOLO! KIMMY: How is this what I told you to do? JACKIE: I'm a sugar mommy, and he's my trophy boy. Opposite. You were so smart. Another rich guy would've made it look like I needed money. With Doug on my arm, I'm the rich and powerful one. Imagine how mad Julian will be. KIMMY: That's not the opposite of Julian. You just switched places with him. You're Julian now. JACKIE: That's ridiculous. I'm helping him with his What was it? DOUGLAS: Uh, DJ career. (Jackie looks annoyed) KIMMY: Uh-huh. Like how Julian helped you publish that cookbook? JACKIE: Hey, I'm the one who found the cookbook mine was based on. KIMMY: I can't believe you. Your ex-husband treated you like a thing, not a person. You might as well have been his dog. And now you're doing the same thing with this poor guy. Lookit, I've been working my tail off for you for free while you've been off buying tuxedos and invisible chairs. But you don't deserve my help. (Kimmy exits) DOUGLAS: I thought you two were sisters. (Jackie smiles briefly) CUTTO: Titus walking on the street with a box of items in his arms, suddenly Kimmy jumps on his back TITUS: (surprised) What's happening? KIMMY: I don't know! I'm just really excited 'cause I did something great. Look. Kimmy gestures at the sign, which has now been plastered with a poster of Titus's show with the words "Sold Out" taped across it TITUS: Oh, my sweet, fancy Jesus. I'm a star. You're all dead to me. KIMMY: And guess who's coming to see it. TITUS: Patti LuPone? Patti LaBelle? I'm out of Pattis. Does it have to be a Patti, or did I do that? KIMMY: Even better. Remember the people who called you a Hitler? Well, I mentioned your workshop to them (Titus starts walking away) No, no, no, it's great. They apologized. I told them all about you, and the webchat moderator himself, Masuta69, typed, (reads from paper) "I'm so sorry. We really care that he's your friend. Could you guys be any cooler?" TITUS: Oh, no, Kimmy. The Internet doesn't talk like that. The Internet talks like Chandler. KIMMY: What? No. (reads from paper again, this time in a sarcastic tone and then gasps) "I'm so sorry. We really care that he's your friend. Could you guys be any cooler?" You can't tell when someone's being sarcastic on the Internet! Seven people approach Kimmy and Titus, all wearing shirts that say "Titus = Hitler #3" MASUTA69: There he is! Masuta69? What is this? I mean, do you think I'm an Einstein or not? MASUTA69: You must be KimmysRadScreenName. I didn't think you were real. I a**umed you were just him pretending to be a white girl who couldn't spell. TITUS: Oh, God, this is my audience. MASUTA69: This show is an abomination. We're gonna boo you so loud, you won't be able to hear yourself talk. MASUTA69 FEMALE SUPPORTER: Yeah, the whole portrayal is offensive. A geisha? Seriously? TITUS: But Murasaki really was a geisha. MASUTA69 FEMALE SUPPORTER: Typical. Why couldn't she be a successful businesswoman or a college professor or a stay-at-home dad? KIMMY: But if you actually watch the whole show MASUTA69: I don't want to hear the end of anything anyone has to say. TITUS: But this is about a past life that I actually lived. I was Murasaki. MASUTA69: Past lives? That's idiotic. MASUTA69 MALE SUPPORTER 1: Oh, so past lives are idiotic? Hindus are just as much a part of this organization as anyone, probably more than this white guy! MASUTA69 MALE SUPPORTER 2: I'm transracial, you dumb dick. The group begins to fight amongst themselves TITUS: Oh, God! They drew a Michael Jordan mustache on me. It appears that the group has drawn a Hitler mustache onto Titus's poster TITUS: Why? CUTTO: A man spray painting the wall with orange spray paint, drawing the insignia Lillian has sought after, Lillian enters LILLIAN: Hey, we should talk, ese. Maybe I could broker a truce with the Banana Boys. Or maybe I set them up. You know, "Come to this thing," but you're there waiting. Kapowy, kapowy, kapowy. I work for you. MAN: Lady, I just work for the phone company. LILLIAN: But what about your tag? Effe-ten-cinco. MAN: This says "FiOS" It's high-speed Internet. We're wiring this whole neighborhood before they put up the new development. LILLIAN: What? No. You can't do this to my home. Hey, hey, Sesame Street was based on this neighborhood. 'Cause there's a guy who lives in a garbage can, and there's a gigantic furry monster that only I can see. MAN: I don't know what to tell you. That's progress. Lillian, hurt, leans against the wall, then turns to her imaginary friend LILLIAN: Well, why didn't you eat him? CUTTO: Jackie's apartment, Doug is at a table while Jackie walks in with a pair of earrings JACKIE: Doug, what do you think? (puts one of each type of earring up to her ear) Conflict or no conflict? DOUGLAS: Whatever, baby. You always look wicky-wicky (makes a DJ spinning disk gesture while holding two gla**es of wine, accidentally spilling wine onto Jackie's carpet) amazing JACKIE: No! Look what you did! (pushes Douglas's head onto the carpet) Bad Doug! I can't return it now. DOUGLAS: Sorry, but you're so rich. JACKIE: No. Bad Doug. (hits Douglas with newspaper, notices her dog is also on the carpet, alternating scolding the two) No! Bad dog! Bad Doug! Oh, God. Kimmy was right. I'm no better than Julian. You're not a dog, Douglas. DOUGLAS: I'm whatever you want me to be. That's the deal, right? JACKIE: Everything the Power does, it does in a circle. I was like you once, and I wish I had been treated better. You're a human being with a dream of being a stand-up comedian. DOUGLAS: DJ. JACKIE: Ugh. Still? The point is, you deserve more than this. Go follow your dream. Go hold your hands just above a laptop while people dance. DOUGLAS: But what about the wedding? JACKIE: Do you know what the real opposite of Julian is? DOUGLAS: I don't know like, a guy with feet where his hands should be? JACKIE: It's respecting people, including myself. The opposite of Julian is me going to that wedding on my own. DOUGLAS: Wow. I'm proud of you, Jacqueline. 'Cause the dopest beat (gestures at his heart) is in here. JACKIE: Get out of my home.(Douglas exits) CUTTO: Titus and Kimmy talking in the dressing room, Titus should be getting ready but is instead paralyzed with fear KIMMY: I'm so sorry, Titus. This is my fault. I understand if you don't want to go through with the show. TITUS: All that walking here for nothing. Lillian enters from the curtains LILLIAN: Ugh! The Internet is ruining everything. TITUS: Tell me about it. KIMMY: It's just a bunch of Chandlers. LILLIAN: What's the point of any of it? I mean, there's no fighting the man. We should just give up. TITUS: You're right. I should just give up. CUTTO: Flashback of Murasaki talking to a Japanese woman, dialogue entirely in Japanese JAPANESE WOMAN: You are talented, Murasaki, but you will never fit in here. MURASAKI: You're right. I should just give up. CUTTO: Flashback of Cyrus talking to another slave SLAVE: Look, Cyrus, you got to cool it with the gay rights stuff. We got way bigger problems down here, man. CYRUS: You're right. I should just give up. CUTTO: Flashback of Alphonse talking to a man dressed elegantly, wearing wigs, dialogue entirely in French ELEGANT MAN: Alphonse your grapes are getting ruined out there in the sun! ALPHONSE: You're right. I should just give up. CUTTO: Flashback of two dogs sitting by a fireplace, one of the dogs is Argos, another one of Titus's past lives DOG: You? Ride after fox?! Don't be ridiculous, Argos! ARGOS: You're right. I should just give up. CUTTO: Present time, Titus, Kimmy, and Lillian are sitting backstage. Titus stands up TITUS: No. I'm done listening to haters. I've been giving up on my dreams for hundreds of years. It ends now. CUTTO: The stage where the entire audience is booing before Titus has even started, Titus enters as does Kimmy and Lillian to the side AUDIENCE: Mega Hitler! Mega... KIMMY: Oh, you're gonna boo? Well, I boo you! Boo! Boo! LILLIAN: (stops Kimmy) Dear, you're just adding to the booing. TITUS: (as Murasaki) My first memory is the willow tree.(begins singing in Japanese while the audience continues booing) I hate being a servant/The snow begins to fall/And the baby cries Masuta69 begins to listen and stops booing, shushing those around him as well MASUTA69: Be quiet, you Hitlers. TITUS: (still singing in Japanese as the audience is now attentively listening) How can I be happy/Even when Bon Festival is here?/I don't have nice clothes/Or a sash to wear CUTTO: Another portion of the show, Titus now speaks in English holding a string instrument in his arms TITUS: I play my samisen for the men, but they look right through me. CUTTO: Another portion of the show, Titus tearfully delivers his lines TITUS: You said you'd take me with you. I cannot stay here. I'm pregnant. (puts a fan over his face) CUTTO: Another portion of the show TITUS: So I packed my kimono My precious books. And I returned to my village to sing no more.(sings in Japanese) I want to leave/Just beyond this place/I can see My parents' home Fades to black, it is apparent that the Masuta69 and the audience are touched by Titus's performance AUDIENCE: Yeah! Brava! Bravo! CUTTO: The stage is lit and the props are gone, the audience is talking on stage as Lillian approaches Titus and Kimmy stands in the background LILLIAN: Titus. You inspired me. I'm not giving up. They're gonna make this neighborhood nicer over my dead body! Or at least a body that sure looks a lot like me but is burned beyond recognition. KIMMY: Titus, if anything deserves a high five, it's this. (puts up her hand, expecting a high five) TITUS: And yet nothing does. (rejects Kimmy's high five) MASUTA69: That was beautiful. (hugs Titus) I haven't heard that song since I was a little boy. MASUTA69 MALE SUPPORTER 2: Corbin, what do we do now that we're not offended? MASUTA69 FEMALE SUPPORTER: Yeah, I feel weird. It's like I can't breathe. Wait, I'm not allowed to say that. I offended myself. A light comes down from the sky and evaporates Masuta Female Supporter. Douglas enters holding a laptop and wearing a DJ-like outfit DOUGLAS: Yo, yo, yo, b**hes, where my table at? KIMMY: What are you doing here? Why aren't you with Jacqueline? DOUGLAS: She set me free. She said I could be so much more than a trophy boy, and she was right. So say goodbye to Douglas, and say hello to DJ FingaBlazt.(Douglas exits) KIMMY: Jacqueline listened to me. CUTTO: The wedding, Jackie walks down a flight of stairs by herself, she's met with disapproving looks from members of high society all around her HIGH SOCIETY MALE: Oh, Jacqueline. Don't tell me you're making your debut sans peen. Mimi enters, Jackie tries to get her attention JACKIE: Mimi, darling. MIMI: How did that sad woman guess my name? Away, gypsy. No babies for you here. JACKIE: You know what? I don't care what any of you think. I know who I am. I don't need a man. HIGH SOCIETY MALE: Scoff. Kimmy enters, underdressed, and hugs Jackie from behind, surprising her KIMMY: Kimmy attack! JACKIE: What's happening? KIMMY: (turns Jackie around to confirm that it is her) Oh, good. It's you this time. There's a lot of fancy blond ladies here. I saw Douglas. I know what you did. I just had to come down here and give you a high five. (tries to get Jackie to give her a high five) JACKIE: Absolutely not. But thank you, Kimmy. I just I don't think I can go through with this. They all think I'm a joke. KIMMY: So let them laugh and laugh and laugh and dance and laugh, 'cause we don't care what everyone you know thinks. (Jackie, unconvinced tries to walk away but Kimmy stops her, interlocking their arms) Nope. Titus almost gave in to the haters today. And I almost let him. But I'm not making that mistake again. HIGH SOCIETY MALE: Well, what have we here? Don't need a man, indeed. Jacqueline, why, don't tell me this is your date. KIMMY: Date? Mr. Splode... JACKIE: Yes, well, it's nothing serious. I just had to take a break from men after Julian. I guess some people might find that fascinating. HIGH SOCIETY MALE: Le freak c'est chic. And such a nasty little butch boy. JACKIE: She's a model for L.L.Bean's performance fleeces. HIGH SOCIETY MALE: Scrumptious! You're the belle of the ball. (everyone turns to look at Jackie) Julian will be furious when he hears about this from someone who is me. (Mimi enters) MIMI: Jacqueline's my best friend. Jackie, victorious, walks through the party with Kimmy, who suddenly spots a chocolate fountain KIMMY: (gasps) A chocolate fountain? How much drinks can you drink from it? (Jackie adores Kimmy, touching the side of her face with her hand) CUTTO: Lillian spray-painting the wall with a crude image of Biggie LILLIAN: We miss you, Biggie. Your name described your spirit as well as your morbid obesity. KID: It looks just like him. LILLIAN: You know, B, I also do nudes. (breaks sound as police car sirens ring) Run, Lillian! KID: Run, Lillian!