Tripod - Mary-Ann lyrics

Ooooh... That's good, that's good. It's one of those "Monday, Tuesday", "days of the week" type songs. Met my baby on a Monday, Dumped the body on a Tuesday... Then I went to... Stop... A bit extreme, you think? Too Christma**y? No! No, no, it's just you've left yourself nowhere to go in your little story there. Yeah. Yeah, you know, you've... what are you going to do on, like, Wednesday? Yeah? Thought I might go to the movies. So it's not a song about love, it's a song about going to the movies. Fine! Song about going to the movies. Fine. Okay. Went to the movies on a Wednesday, Went to the movies on a Thursday, Went to the movies on a Friday... Stop! Going to the movies a lot, aren't ya? Well, I don't really have a girlfriend any more... Oh, right. I've got a good song that would finish the first half well. It's a sort of a ballady thing, it's another love one, so I think it'd really, you know... Ahh, so, if you could just play something for me ballady... (Scod starts playing) Perfect, yep. And watch me for the changes. I've been watching you for changes for ten years... (Audience "awwww"s) Oh, f**in' shut up! He's a little arsehole. Her name was Mary-Ann, She made him feel like a man. I'm not saying that he felt like a man. He didn't want a man, he liked them as friends, but he didn't feel like a man in the same way that you'd feel like having an icy-pole, he didn't... umm... Oh, it's all right, I know what to do. Can we just start from the top? Her name was Nicole, She made him feel like a hole. Feel like a hole? It has to rhyme with "Nicole". Just use her actual name! We'll find a rhyme for it. Yeah. What's her real name? Magina - hit it! Umm... I'll do... I've got one for Mary-Ann. Her name was Mary-Ann, She made him feel like a man. But she didn't even know he existed, But oh, whenever she walked past, His heart would stop... So he was dead before they even got started, 'Cause his heart had stopped when he caught sight of her. No! It was d**h at first sight, They never made it one night... Stop! And the... He didn't f**ing die! All right? He didn't die. He said his heart stopped! Yeah, but... What is he, the undead?! No, no, he's not! I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. No, he's not undead. Doomed to walk the Earth and be in a sh** song? That's my f**ing life! Now you play the song. Her name was Mary-Ann, She had the body of a goddess and the face of an angel. Every man's desire, She set his world on fire... So they were all dead before they even got started, 'Cause the world had burned up in an incendiary disaster. Shut up! Join in if you know the words! Everybody-was-eliminated-in-a-horrible-miasma-of-fire-and-destruction, Shut the f** up! The-smell-of-burnt-flesh-put-the-kibosh-on-romance... Shut-the-f**-up! What? Shut-the-f**-up! You said that... Shut-the-f**-up! I don't know what else I'm supposed to do, you said the world had caught fire! It's a metaphor! I reckon my Mum could beat your Mum in a fight, you know that? My Dad could beat your Mum in a fight. You s**. And so does your Mum. Hey, hey, hey! Say what you like about my Mum... leave me out of it. Umm... I reckon I can fix this song up, by the way... the Mary-Ann one? (Laughing) You? Yeah. f** off. Yeah, it's a... it's a... just play, and I'll sing, and it'll be good. Her name was Mary-Ann, She was searching for a man. Her silhouette was unmistakable, she stood out in a crowd, She had a shapely... head, And a long flowing... nose. She was hideous, A walking disaster. A craggy crone, A picture of disgust. She caught his eye... And returned it promptly. f** off! He was glad that she could catch it, But they couldn't re-attach it. He was blinded for all time... (Pause) All right... So they lived... happilyyyyyyy, Because he couldn't... seeeeeee, That she was so... uglyyyyyy! I'm glad it wasn't me, And they lived happily... Thank you very much!