Trey Parker - All-American Prophet lyrics

[ELDER PRICE] You all know the Bible Is made of Testaments Old and New You've been told it's just those two parts Or only one, if you're a Jew But what if I were to tell you There's a fresh third part out there? That was found by a hip, new prophet Who had a little Donny Osmond flair Have you heard of the All-American Prophet? The blonde-haired Blue-eyed voice of God He didn't come from the Middle East Like those other holy men No, God's favorite prophet was All-American! I'm gonna take you back to Biblical times: 1823 An American man named Joe livin' on a farm in the holy land of Rochester, New York [ELDER CUNNINGHAM] You mean the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith?! [ELDER PRICE] That's right, that young man spoke to God! [ELDER CUNNINGHAM] He spoke to God?! [ELDER PRICE] And God said "Joe, people really need to know That the Bible isn't two parts There's a Part Three to the Bible, Joe And I, God, have anointed you To dig up this Part Three That is buried by the tree On the hill in your backyard!" [ELDER CUNNINGHAM] Wow, God says go to your backyard and start digging - that makes perfect sense! [ELDER PRICE] Joseph Smith went up to that hill And dug where he was told And deep in the ground, Joseph found Shining plates of gold! [JOSEPH SMITH] What are these golden plates? Who buried them here, and why? [ELDER PRICE] Then appeared an angel His name was Moroni [MORONI] I am Moroni [ELDER PRICE] The All-American Angel My people lived here long, long ago This is the history of my race Please read the words within We were Jews, who met with Christ But we were All-American [MORONI] But don't let anybody see these plates except for you They are only for you to see Even if people ask you to show the plates to them, don't Just copy them onto normal paper Even though this might make them question if the plates are real or not This is sort of what God is going for [ELDER PRICE] Joseph took the plates home And wrote down what he found inside He turned those plates into a book Then rushed into town and cried [JOSEPH SMITH] Hey, God spoke to me and gave me This blessed ancient tome He hath commanded me to publish it And stick it in every home [ELDER CUNNINGHAM] Wow! So the Bible is really a trilogy, and the Book of Mormon is Return of the Jedi? I'm interested [ELDER PRICE] Now, many people didn't believe The Prophet Joseph Smith They thought he'd made up this Part Three That was buried by a tree, on the hill in his backyard [TOWNSPEOPLE] Liar! [ELDER PRICE] But Joe said [JOSEPH SMITH] This is no lie; I speak to God all the time And he told me to head west So I'll take my Part Three, from the hill with the tree Feel free if you'd like to come along with me To the promised land [TOWNSPEOPLE] The promised land? [JOSEPH SMITH] Paradise, on the West coast Nothing but fruit and fields, as far as the eye can see [MORMONS] Have you heard of the All-American prophet? He found a brand new book about Jesus Christ We're following him to paradise We call ourselves Mormons And our new religion is All-American [ELDER CUNNINGHAM] Wow! How much does it cost!? [ELDER PRICE] The Mormons kept on searching for that place to settle down But every time they thought they'd found it They got kicked out of town And even though people wanted to see the golden plates Joseph never showed 'em [GOTSWANA] I've got maggots in my scrotum [ELDER PRICE] Um, okay? Well, anyway Now comes the part of our story That gets a little bit sad On the way to the promised land Mormons made people mad Joseph was shot by an angry mob And knew he'd soon be done [JOSEPH SMITH] You must lead the people now My good friend, Brigham Young Oh, God! Why are you letting me die? Without having me show people the plates? They'll have no proof I was telling the truth or not They'll have to believe it just cause Oh, I guess that's kinda what you were going for Blarggg [ELDER PRICE] The Prophet Joseph Smith died for what he believed in But his followers, they kept on heading west And Brigham Young led them to paradise A sparkling land in Utah they called Salt Lake City And there the Mormons multiplied And made big Mormon families Generation to generation, until finally they made me And now it's my job to lead you Where those early settlers were led, long ago [ENSEMBLE] Have you heard of the All-American prophet? [ELDER CUNNINGHAM] Kevin Price! [ENSEMBLE] The next in line to be the voice of God? [ELDER CUNNINGHAM] My best friend! [ENSEMBLE] He's gonna do something incredible And be Joseph Smith again Cause Kevin Price, the prophet, is All-American [ELDER CUNNINGHAM] If you order now, we'll also throw in a set of steak knives! [ENSEMBLE] All-American!