Tina Fey - Kimmy Goes on a Playdate! lyrics

[Scene starts in a Christmas Store] KIMMY: This is a year-round Christmas store? You must be the happiest woman on Earth! TERRY: I'm a man. KIMMY: That's great. Anyway, I saw this...(pulls out a "Help Wanted" sign) at the sign store, and I bought it to prove how serious I am about working here. TERRY: Yeah, we're not really hiring. It's just... KIMMY: (screams)I've got a bomb! (in normal voice) And now that I've got your attention, here's my resume.(hands resume to Terry) TERRY: (looks at resume) This says you were a babysitter from 1997 to 1998, then there's a 15-year gap KIMMY: Look, I know I'm not perfect, but let me tell you about another imperfect employee. His name was Rudolph, and he was a joke. Some say his mother made it with a doorbell light, but when he was given a chance, Rudolph went down in history, and that reindeer's name was Rudolph. All I'm asking for is a chance to get my life back on track. Last week, I threw myself at a married man. I'm like a lollipop with a question mark on its wrapper. I don't know what's going on inside. But if anything can remind me of what's good and right in the world, it's this place. They say there's a war on Christmas. Well, sir, put me on the front line, 'cause if any Grinches or Scrooges dare come over that hill, I'll make them wish they'd never been born! CUTTO: Kimmy walking down the street in an elf costume. She spots a pair of Orthodox Jews. KIMMY: Oh, no. Those Santas must be coming from a funeral. I'm so sorry for your loss, Santas. As Kimmy continues walking down the street, a car crashes into a cluster of trash cans right in front of her. KIMMY: Jeepers! (Jackie gets out of the car) JACKIE: Why is your phone going straight to voice mail? KIMMY: Jacqueline, hi! Huh? (Kimmy pulls out her phone and sees that Lillian has been on the phone with her for more than 70 minutes) LILLIAN: So not all toxic mold is black, but all black mold is toxic KIMMY: (puts phone away) What are you doing here? JACKIE: I need a place to stay. I just found out my ex-husband sold the town house. He's in escrow. KIMMY: Ugh. He's such an escrow. JACKIE: I had to clean out my closets and get the j**elry from the safe. (opens backseat door and starts getting something out of the car) KIMMY: Of course you can stay here, but wouldn't you rather be in a fancy hotel? When I did the Today Show, they put me in a hotel where the hallways had trays of free floor food. JACKIE: No, I can't afford that right now. KIMMY: But you have 12 million... JACKIE: (whispers) You shut your wet mouth! Don't ever let anyone know how little I got in the divorce. Now get me inside before someone helicopters over this neighborhood and sees me. (impersonating an old lady) Flores! Flores para los muertos! Are they buying it? CUTTO: Interior of Kimmy and Titus's apartment Mrs. Voorhees Oh, wait. You're divorced. What do I call you now? Mrs. Voor-hers? JACKIE: Ms. White. That's my Sioux family name. It was given to us in the 1920s by a sarcastic census taker. JACKIE: Okay, Ms. White, what are you doing back in New York? JACKIE: Kimmy, I need your help. KIMMY: Help? That's what we elves are born to do. JACKIE: Oh, you are dressed like an elf. I just a**umed it was the trucker pills. So what's the hardest thing in the world for a trophy wife to do? Lose the jerk but keep the perks. Trademark me. Julian's the jerk, and the perks are everything I worked him so hard to achieve. And I'm gonna get it all back. [Theme Song] JACKIE: The first thing we have to do is let the city know I'm back. KIMMY: I'll get my jumbo sidewalk chalk. JACKIE: Luckily, the gatekeepers of New York society are all moms at St. Clotilde's School for Fancy Boys, where Buckley is kept. CUTTO: A scene with the moms at the St. Clotilde's School for Fancy Boys JACKIE: They're thin, they're rich, and I'm their natural enemy A gorgeous divorcee with the pelvic floor of a 12-year-old boy. KIMMY: Gross. JACKIE: But if I can win over their queen, the others will follow. DEIRDRE: Reg is dragging me to the prewar auction at J. O. Brothers tonight, and I am not doing that sober, so who's up for margaritas after Pilates Stella McCartney vegan ankle boot bahn mi detox? All of the other mothers laugh CUTTO: Present time, Kimmy's apartment JACKIE: Deirdre Robespierre. KIMMY: Owen R's mom? He's so cool! JACKIE: I have custody of Buckley this week. You go to after-school pickup and let the other nannies know I'm back. If anyone asks where I've been, just say the Cote d'Azur. (Kimmy attempts to pronounce "Cote d'Azur") Right, I forgot. Say I've been in Europe Traveling and trying to figure out how to spend my half of $3 billion. Got it? Okay, now I'm meeting a broker to look at apartments.You know what to do There's a crashing sound and Jackie screams TITUS: Heavenly Father! Kimmy walks into Titus's room KIMMY: Titus, what happened? Much like Icarus, a friend of mine who once put too much stuff in his closet, I put too much stuff in my closet. Titus points at his closet which is now a mess. He looks at Jackie, confused, and looks back at Kimmy KIMMY: Oh, my gosh. Oh, Jacqueline's gonna be staying with us for a few days. You two have met before, right? JACKIE: Doorman at Barney's. TITUS: We buried a robot together. (Jackie exits) I can't believe "clo-zay" is gone. KIMMY: Well, do you really need all these clothes? I mean, when's the last time you wore red suspender shorts or puffy white gloves? Yes. Mickey-Mousing hasn't been a thing in the community for quite some time. KIMMY: So why don't you get rid of some of this stuff? TITUS: Because each one of these pieces is a little piece of me. Especially this pleather vest that melted onto me after I fell asleep at a beach. KIMMY: Then give it to Goodwill. When I was a kid, that's where I got my cool nurse shoes, and I was all, "Hi, I'm a nurse. After our shift, let's go to the bar at the Ramada." TITUS: The world would be a better place if everyone dressed more like me. Speaking of which, is that my elf costume? Oh, no, I left mine in that river. CUTTO: Kimmy entering Jackie's old home, she looks in a drawer and finds her ID and pockets it. KIMMY: There's my ID. XAN: What the hell are you doing here? KIMMY: Being in a stupid-face contest and coming in second. XAN: Well, I'm here cleaning my room out to take stuff back to Connecticut. Connecticut! Do you know what my life is like now because of you? I'm on a field hockey team. I scored twice against Country Day, and it's all your fault! KIMMY: Are you seriously still mad at me? I did it for your own good, Xan. Someday you'll thank me. XAN: Yeah, when pigs fly. Oh, my God. I sound so lame now! KIMMY: And stupid. Pigs fly all the time, Xan, or did you think prize pigs walk to international pig competitions? Xan groans and exits while Kimmy, feeling victorious, blows the smoke from her finger as if it's a recently-fired pistol and holsters it CUTTO: Titus's apartment where Titus and Lillian are trying to figure out what clothes to give away TITUS: This is not gonna be easy. LILLIAN: I get it. After all these years, I still haven't thrown away my late husband's clothes and not just 'cause I dress up in them to cash his disability checks. TITUS: I suppose I could part with this. (picks up a white t-shirt that says "Pick Me Bob!") It's irrelevant now that Drew Carey's the host of the show. LILLIAN: Yeah. TITUS: And my bunion outgrew these limited-edition Air Jordache thigh-tops. (picks up a pair of unreasonably long boots) Oh, and these shants. Oh, shorts that are as long as pants. Bye, shants. LILLIAN: Good for you, Titus. TITUS: Good for mankind, Lillian. Imagine a world where everyone shares my sense of fabulousness. There'd be no more war, no more famine, no more stupid polo shirts where the horse is, like, the whole shirt! LILLIAN: Oh, yay! (Titus begins stuffing his old clothes in a trashbag) Go, Titus! CUTTO: The School for Fancy Boys, Kimmy enters and tries to strike up a conversation with some parents KIMMY: Hey, guys. Remember me? I brought in those nut brownies that almost k**ed a couple kids? Cool, cool. (Owen enters) Owen R. (Kimmy walks towards him and starts talking to the woman who is taking care of Owen) You must be Owen's nanny. Whatevs. (The woman turns around and reveals herself as Deirdre Robespierre) I love you. DEIRDRE: Oh, you're Kimmy, Buckley's nanny. KIMMY: You smell like summer. DEIRDRE: It's actually pre-fall, but you're sweet. So where has Jacqueline been? We miss her. KIMMY: Traveling in Yerp. Euur-up. DEIRDRE: Well, please tell her I would love to see her whenever she has time. KIMMY: She would like that. DEIRDRE: Oh, any chance she could do a playdate today? (pulls out phone) Owen has blimping until 3:00. Would 3:30 work? KIMMY: (pulls out phone to, imitating Deirdre, scrolls through pictures of herself and a squirrel) Um checking calendar. Let me see. Aww Hmm. Yes? DEIRDRE: Oh, then it's a date. (uses Siri) Buckley playdate, 3:30. KIMMY: (also uses Siri) Owen playdate, 3:30. SIRI: I found the following on the web for "urine playmate, teen dirty." KIMMY: Siri, no! Deirdre waves goodbye, exits. CUTTO: Titus and Lillian walking through the city LILLIAN: Now they filled in the sinkhole. Where am I supposed to number two when I have a gentleman caller? Titus looks confused and disgusted, they walk into a store TITUS: (door clicks indicating their presence) Pardon me, do you have any more mannequins? My pieces will warrant a window display. STORE OWNER: Mannequins? No, we don't have...Hey! Sicko! Beat it! (the man the store owner is referring to leaves) You got donations, just throw 'em on the pile. Store owner indicates a pile of old clothes in a messy pile. Titus looks disheartened TITUS: All the better. My clothes will be plucked from this hellhole like so many little orphans Annie. LILLIAN: Exactly. Your clothes are special, like Annie. TITUS: The rest of this stuff, it's ugly. No one wants it, like the other orphans, who eventually aged out of the system. (Titus carefully puts his clothes onto the pile) I'm so proud.(they leave the store) CUTTO: Jackie looking at papers in Kimmy and Titus's apartment, Kimmy enters JACKIE: Well, my apartment search has been a disaster. Everything is either too expensive or just horrible. Look at this view. If I can see New Jersey, that means it can see me. KIMMY: Okay, so at pickup, I talked to Mrs. Robespierre JACKIE: What? She was there? Her style, how effortless was it on a scale from none to zero? KIMMY: Look, after school, I dropped Buckley off at Little League, even though he didn't have any equipment JACKIE: Because he's an owner. He just watches the games from his luxury tree. KIMMY: Okay, but later today, he has a playdate with Owen and Owen's mom. JACKIE: Oh, Kimmy! I could just kiss you! (gets up, ready to kiss Kimmy) But we shouldn't, right? (uncomfortable silence, then she goes to the closet to get changed) Because I should go get dressed. Maybe I've been overthinking this. I mean, I haven't been gone that long, and I am the best to be around. Listen to this laugh. (laughs derisively) More rosee? (closes closet door) I am fun, and I absolutely underestimated Deirdre. KIMMY: What a sweetheart! She's so nice. She remembered my name, and she said since you've been traveling, she'll come to you. Jackie punches a hole in Kimmy's closet door and then slides the door open JACKIE: (whispers) And where exactly do you expect her to go? Perhaps we should meet at the apartment that I don't have? Or did you expect her to come here? To this? KIMMY: I call it Kimmy's Klubhouse, with two K's. JACKIE: (sits down slowly) That's why Deirdre wanted to have a playdate, to see how I'm living now. KIMMY: Can't you just say we'll meet in the park? JACKIE: She'll see right through that. People don't go to the park when they have their own backyards and terraces. Unless you have something even better planned. KIMMY: Like visiting a place where it's Christmas all year and you have to guess whether it's a man? JACKIE: It has to be something that requires access, connections, special treatment. I went to a playdate once where the kids got to run the Greek economy. KIMMY: We can beat that. What are nine-year-old boys into? Koosh balls. Pokemon. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. JACKIE: Yes, the Mutant Ninja Turtles. I can work with that. KIMMY: Really? That one's still a thing? Why? JACKIE: Focus up, Kimmy. I need you to run back to the town house (Kimmy starts running, exits, and then re-enters) KIMMY: Just practicing. I knew there was more plan. What's up? CUTTO: Jackie's old townhouse, Kimmy is singing the TMNT theme song KIMMY: (singing) Heroes in a half shell! Turtle power! Whoever wrote that song deserves to be a billionaire! (pa**es by a poster that says "Chuck Lorre Wrote That Song) CUTTO: Hallway in townhouse KIMMY: (breaks into a box labeled "Playdate Wine" and notices Xan)Oh. What are you still doing here? Are you crying? XAN: (sarcastic) No, this is the cool way to do your makeup now. KIMMY: I know. I subscribe to Teen Beat. XAN: You're insane. KIMMY: Look, I know change is hard XAN: Do you? This house has been the only constant in my life. Every year, it's like, "Here's your new mom, your new school, your new nose" (realizes she said too much) What? No. Shut up! KIMMY: I actually had to leave my home when I was about your age. XAN: Yeah? (stands up) Well, I bet you hate the person who made you do it. Guess what, Kimmy. For me, that person's you.(exits) KIMMY: But that makes me the Reverend. I'm not the Reverend. Kimmy begins picking something up when she notices a poster on the wall that says "Yes You Are". She looks distraught CUTTO: Owen and Buckley playing with weapons in the park while Deirdre and Jackie watch, Kimmy enters with bags Jackie: Oh, Kimmy. Wonderful. (Kimmy hands her bags) Thank you. DEIRDRE: Thank you. JACKIE: Oh, Kimmy, I also need you to (loudly) call my hotel. My suite is so big, I keep getting lost. Have them send up a guide monkey. (to Kimmy, quietly) Does Deirdre look impressed? (Kimmy goes to look) Damn it, don't look. Does she? KIMMY: I'm a good person, right? JACKIE: Who cares? KIMMY: I know I'm not perfect. I sometimes look at magazine covers without paying for them, and I've made some kissing mistakes JACKIE: Hey. Making out with John Mayer is just part of living in New York. KIMMY: But I also help you all the time, and I don't step on cracks, even though I haven't seen my mother in years, and sending Xan to Connecticut was for her own good. It doesn't make me the Reverend. Deirdre walks over with the boys who are now wearing masks and tortious shells on their back DEIRDRE: I think it's time for some Mutant Ninja Turtles to go an adventure! These costumes are just wonderful. JACKIE: The tortoise shells were collected by Buckley's grandfather during a hunting trip to the Galapagos. DEIRDRE: Oh. JACKIE: (directed at Kimmy) We need to get through this, Schmidt. You're not the Reverend, okay? Now get these kids underground, and don't let the police see you. KIMMY: (talking to the kids, leading them away) All right, Turtles! Let's go to your secret hideout in the sewer! Yeah! Okay, come on. JACKIE: Be safe. DEIRDRE: Bye. Kimmy pulls the sewer cap out of the ground with both of her arms with less effort than it should take to pull off such a feat. Deirdre and Jackie stare, amazed. JACKIE: She should not be able to do that. BUCKLEY: Look, a rat! Is it Master Splinter? OWEN: Mm-hmm. BUCKLEY: Oh, yeah! There's hundreds of them. JACKIE: Ugh. DEIRDRE: So how's the apartment hunt? JACKIE: Everything's too affordable. I really like that new building that Rem Koolhaas and Michael Stipe designed. DEIRDRE: The Rem Koolhaas, R.E.M. Cool House? Hmm? Oh, a Birkin bag. JACKIE: It's the one that's made entirely out of famous Internet cats. DEIRDRE: Oh, no, no, I know. It's just, those came out last year. This is exactly why I love you, Jacqueline. You don't care what anybody thinks. JACKIE: Oh, Deirdre. I never can tell if you're trying to help me or destroy me! (both fake laughter) DEIRDRE: (laughs) I honestly don't know! I have a degree in political science from Princeton, and all that wasted mental energy has to go somewhere.(both fake laughter) CUTTO: Titus and Lillian walking back into the same store where Titus donated his old clothes LILLIAN: I'll be in intimates. Titus walks past the bag of clothes he donated and notices that there's a five dollar price tag on the entire bag TITUS: Is this some sort of joke? Is this sticker a phone call from Crank Yankers? Is it? (a man walks over and rummages around inside the bag) The culottes can also be used as pants for stuffed animals. The man looks through the bag for a while before settling on wearing the bag but not the actual clothes themselves. Titus looks offended LILLIAN: Hey, Titus, you got a D battery on you? I want to whip a Philadelphia snowball at those hipsters. (points at hipsters near the checkout desk) TITUS: Millennials. They'll appreciate me. FEMALE HIPSTER: Millennia, this is perfect. (holding the pair of pants Titus donated, Titus looks happy) For our sketch show about ladies who work at Jennifer Convertibles! TITUS: Unacceptable! You people don't know the meaning of the word "sensuali-Titus-travaganza!" That's it! (picks up all of the clothes he donates) Donation canceled! Pearls before swine! I should have known better. You people don't deserve Titus! LILLIAN: (wearing a bra over her clothes that she clearly found in the store) And I was wearing this when I came in. STORE OWNER: (at the man who was previously told to leave the store) Hey! Buddy, get out of here! (man leaves, wearing a tennis/raquetball outfit) CUTTO: Titus and Lillian walking down the street with Titus holding a large bundle of his old clothes TITUS: This is why I never open myself up to the world. I just get rejected like a crinkly dollar bill in a vending machine! LILLIAN: Titus, no. You're very smooth. You're like a pudding man. TITUS: Good-bye, cruel world! (throws old clothes in dumpster) I wish Bruce Willis had let that asteroid hit you! Hashtag spoiler alert! CUTTO: Deirdre and Jackie walking down the street, laughing, they find Kimmy, Owen, and Buckley BUCKLEY: We k**ed Bebop the pig man and ate so much pizza! DEIRDRE: Well, this was so much fun. I would say, "See you tonight," but lucky for you, you don't have a husband. I just mean you don't have a husband who drags you to auctions every other night. You know Reg and his art. He and his sister have the world's largest collection of Greek incest pottery. JACKIE: Well, let me come with you. I'll keep you company. DEIRDRE: Oh, that's so sweet, but it's just no fun when you can't bid. JACKIE: I'm not sure I know what you mean. DEIRDRE: Darling, can I tell you something? As a friend? JACKIE: I don't know. Can you? DEIRDRE: I'm honestly not sure. I have a 150 IQ, but I spent all morning picking out dog stationery. Maybe I'm just tormenting you just to feel alive, but also there is a chance this is real empathy. We may never know! JACKIE: Okay, friend, what is it? Some hateful rumor about my divorce? DEIRDRE: Oh, you are not as dumb as I say people say you are. Look, I hate to dignify this, but there is a rumor that you only got $12 million from Julian. JACKIE: Wow. That is absurd. I've never had 12 of anything. $12 million. I mean, would a dozenaire have a chauffeured Bentley? I don't think so. Get in the car, kids. Let's get in the car. See you tonight, sweetie. (as they get in the car, Jackie slides out to the other side over a man, Kimmy and Buckley follow) Excuse me. Stay down. (crawling carefully) Get to that bus. BUCKLEY: What's a bus? JACKIE: I can't keep this up. CUTTO: Titus's bedroom where Titus is on his bed, depressed. LILLIAN: Titus! Titus, you'll never believe it! TITUS: Go away, Lillian. I've decided to live as a bed from now on. LILLIAN: But your clothes are gone! Somebody took 'em! TITUS: (gets up) They did? LILLIAN: Yeah! Oh, that's Wait a minute. (looks around suspiciously) LILLIAN: Oh, Titus, you are not on Crank Yankers. It's not a show anymore, and they would call you. (Titus smiles) CUTTO: The dumpster where Titus left his clothes TITUS: I just wish we could have met the chic sophisticate that was rummaging through a Dumpster on a hot weekday afternoon. LILLIAN: I'm just happy there's another Titus out there. TITUS: It's too bad we'll never know who he is. He could have been my stunt double if I were ever to get cast in a movie that involves stairs. LILLIAN: Well, I'll see you back at the house. I found some unshredded mail in there, so I'm gonna go open up a Kohl's card. Titus finds a clothing item that used to belong to him, and then another, and then another, forming a breadcrumb trail of clothes TITUS: One of my Mickey-Mousing gloves. Other Titus must have dropped it. Teddy von Bearington's pants and/or my culottes. My shants! CUTTO: A truck, where a few more articles of Titus's clothes are scattered. A construction worker comes over to talk to him. MIKEY: Can I help you, pal? TITUS: So sorry. It's just that I threw away some clothes earlier, and then I Hansel-and-Gretel'd myself to your backless car thingy. MIKEY: Hang on. I know you. TITUS: I don't think so. I am an enigma. MIKEY: No, dude, you're the...You're the first guy I ever hit on. I'm Mikey? I came out to you. TITUS: Of course. I remember your wrists. Titus Andromedon. You may know me from my attendance at such films as Must Love Dogs and the first 20 minutes of Interstellar. Anyway, you dropped these. MIKEY: Sorry. I'm not exactly out out at work, you know? I got to put up a front. Go to the strip club with the guys, airbrush a hot chick on the back of my truck. (shows the back of his truck, which has a graphic of Tilda Swinton) TITUS: Oh I get it. Putting yourself out there is scary. MIKEY: Right? And with the gay stuff, I don't know where to start. Sometimes I snazz things up at work, like Like with this shirt, but then the guys start razzing me, like, "How's it going, Mr. Shirt?" That kind of thing. But when I saw your clothes in the Dumpster, I just...Just thought they were real beautiful. TITUS: Thank you. That's...Thank you. Well, goodbye forever. MIKEY: Titus, wait. Don't you think it's...I don't know...A sign, running into each other like this? Do we believe in signs, us h*mos? I can say that, right? TITUS: It's America. You can say anything except...(drill drowns out what Titus is saying) Jezebel. MIKEY: Right, well, look, you already rejected me once, but you remind me of Carlos Delgado from the Mets, and that's just hot, and, uh, whatever. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Right? TITUS: Mathematically, no. But I do know what you're saying. MIKEY: Okay. So...(imitates a basketball player taking a shot) You want to go out sometime? TITUS: Oh. (chuckles, then becomes serious, writes down his number on Mikey's hand and walks away while Mikey celebrates) CUTTO: Kimmy's apartment, Kimmy washes her hands while Jackie is on the couch, talking to her JACKIE: This isn't gonna work. I can't do it, and I'm not a quitter, Kimmy. I watched Interstellar all the way to the end. KIMMY: You can't keep doing this? JACKIE: Yes, me. Is there anyone else here? KIMMY: I try to be a good person, but I don't feel good at all, and it's not just the sewer pizza. Xan hates me, Owen got a rat bite, and all you're doing is lying about how much money you have, where you live, what monkeys do at hotels. And how come? So you can go back to your dumb life you hated? What's the point? JACKIE: I don't know about Xan. Did you see her? Did she get fat in Connecticut? But you're helping me do something really important and good. KIMMY: 'Splain it. JACKIE: I came back to New York to help my family. KIMMY: By turning into a Deirdre and making me fight a gutter pig? JACKIE: The Dutch bought Manhattan for $24 worth of beads. Today it's worth a trillion, and I plan to make up the difference. KIMMY: But who even has that much beads? Maybe Michael's Arts & Crafts. Ask for Jan! JACKIE: Every year, men like Deirdre's husband donate billions to charity. They support art museums, wiener disease research, super PACs that drive poor people to the circus on election day. KIMMY: And you get free peanuts. JACKIE: You know who Robin Hood is? KIMMY: Uh, yeah. That Disney movie where Robin Hood's a fox? When you were little, did you think he was handsome? And then, like, your crotch gets a headache? JACKIE: Are you kidding? That voice and how he didn't wear pants? Well, I'm trying to be Robin Hood. Take from the rich and give to the poor. If I can get back into Deirdre's world, I can start a charity that will make up for 400 years of Dutch oppression, but I won't get a penny unless I'm taken seriously, and if I fail, I can't go back home. KIMMY: You know, in the bunker, when a new girl showed up, there was one way she could get instant respect. Go up to the toughest-looking girl there and punch her in the face. CUTTO: Flashback of the bunker, Kimmy is talking to Cyndee. KIMMY: What does the Reverend even see in her? CYNDEE: It's like, talk American, right? (Donna walks in and punches Cyndee in the face, knocking her to the ground, Kimmy gasps) DONNA: (in Spanish) Now you're all my b**hes! Mm! As Cyndee gets up, Gretchen walks in and punches her in the face again, knocking her to the ground. KIMMY: Who the heck are you? GRETCHEN: I'm Gretchen. I just got here. CUTTO: Present Time, Kimmy's apartment KIMMY: After that, no one messes with you. I don't know what the rich blonde lady version of a bunker punch is JACKIE: I do. Kimmy, I need you to go back to the town house and get Julian's father's slave auction paddle. KIMMY: Father? That's not long enough ago. JACKIE: And, look, I know I've been making you run back and forth all day, but I can't go back to that house. Too many terrible memories. KIMMY: That's it! (stands up) That's how I help Xan! JACKIE: Did you hear? She got fat in Connecticut. CUTTO: Jackie's old townhouse, Xan is leaning agains a wall with benchmarks of her life. Kimmy enters KIMMY: You must have a lot of great memories in this house. XAN: I don't get it. I was putting Windex in your food, like, every day. KIMMY: I bet each room in this house is special to you. Obviously this one is. It's funny, 'cause this is also where your tutor Charles and I would tongue out in secret. XAN: Wait. What? KIMMY: Oh, yeah. We'd be all (imitating two people making out) Oh, yeah! Gimme! Oh, yeah! XAN: Wh-Why are you doing that? Ew! CUTTO: Another room in the house KIMMY: You must have a lot of great memories in here. Breakfast on Christmas morning, hanging out with your friends, to say nothing of lunch! I did a lot of stuff here, too. For example playing "Sexy Cat Burglar Avoiding Lasers" (Kimmy plays "Sexy Cat Burglar Avoiding Lasers" while Xan watches). Rapping my cool Kimmy raps. Kimmy raps, using a wooden spoon as a microphone while Jan watches KIMMY: Xan's got a plan With her friend Jan in the tan van, man Aww (beatboxes) CUTTO: Kimmy shows Xan two mirrors facing each other, creating a never-ending, repeating mirage KIMMY: And look, a world of infinite Kimmys. XAN: Please stop! CUTTO: Townhouse balcony KIMMY: Any good memories out here? XAN: No. KIMMY: Cool, 'cause this is where I threw up baked beans and sewer pizza. XAN: You what? When? KIMMY: Right now! (vomits) CUTTO: Xan and Kimmy walk back inside, Xan takes off her sweater angrily XAN: Damn it, Kimmy, that's where I had my first kiss. You're like an HGTV renovation team. You come into someone's home and ruin it with your stupidity. You ruined the house I grew up in. (grabs bags and starts walking away) KIMMY: I bet that makes it easier to leave. XAN: Do you think you're helping me? KIMMY:You're heading for the door. XAN: (smiles) You're so weird. KIMMY: In bed! (snaps as Xan leaves) AUCTIONEER: Going once, going twice... KIMMY: What are you doing? JACKIE: Using my $12 million to punch Deirdre in her white mouth. AUCTIONEER: Sold to the lady in the front row for $11 1/2 million. Kimmy throws away Jackie's bidding sign AUCTIONEER: I'm so sorry. I didn't recognize you, Mrs. Voorhee I mean Ms. White. Room applauds, Jackie and Kimmy exit, acknowledging Deirdre on their way out DEIRDRE: She must have taken Julian for all he's worth, and now she's returned in full, like Alcibiades to Athens, and I have become her Eupolis. Oh, I picked up Mookie's stationery. Jackie walks out of the room, panicked expression on her face [End]