The Simpsons - The Springfield Files lyrics

ACT ONE Leonard Nimoy is sitting behind a desk in a darkened room. NIMOY Hello, I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer . . . is no. Our story begins on a Friday morning, in a little town called Springfield . . . He opens a book which has a picture of Homer in it. The drawing dissolves to Homer at the plant. HOMER T.G.I.F.! Guys, I'm off to Moe's. LENNY But Homer, it's ten in the morning! HOMER Don't worry, I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around the city, keeping its SPEED over fifty. And if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." First, I hook this common VCR into the security camera system like so, then I insert this old videotape of us working on a continuous loop. (The tape from the 1970's has Homer eating donuts in a "Sit On It" T-shirt, and talking to Lenny. Then, the tape abruptly cuts to Lenny doing a Saturday Night Fever style move - flares and all) Pan out to Burns office, where he and Smithers watch the tape on the monitor. BURNS So, another Friday is upon us. What will you be doing Smithers? Something gay no doubt? SMITHERS What? What? BURNS You know: light-hearted, fancy-free, mothers lock up your daughters! Smithers is on the town! (chuckles) SMITHERS (laughs) Exactly, sir. (laughs nervously) At the retirement home. JASPER Thank God it's Wednesday. (Swallows cup of pills.) MRS. GLICK It's Friday. JASPER Uh oh, wrong pills. (He suddenly grows hairy) Uh, little help? At Noiseland Arcade: "Friday, Meet Donkey Kong In Person". Donkey Kong is smoking and scratching himself, without an audience. SARCASTIC CLERK Sorry, Donkey Kong, but you're just not a draw anymore. (Donkey Kong throws a barrel, and knocks him down.) Hey, he's still got it! Inside, Milhouse plays Kevin Costner's Waterworld. MILHOUSE (putting money in) 38, 39, 40 quarters. This better be good. The character in the game moves two steps, and stops. GAME Game over, please deposit 40 quarters. MILHOUSE What a rip! But he starts depositing quarters again. DR HIBBERT Thank God it's Friday! He hums as he leaves, closing the door to reveal Hans Moleman stood behind an X-Ray machine. MOLEMAN Hello? Hello? At the Simpson home, the living room looks spotless...however it's just a picture in a magazine entitled "Better Homes Than Yours". Santa's Little Helper chews on a chair, and Snowball II scratches the furniture. MARGE Bad dog! Bad cat! (A fawn licks something off the carpet.) Bad Fawn! Hmmm...Shoo shoo! Bart and Lisa are in the den watching television. LISA All right! It's time for ABC's T.G.I.F. line-up! BART Lis, when you get a little older, you'll realize that Friday is just another day between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday night Crap-o-Rama. At Moe's Tavern. MOE Another Duff, Homer? HOMER Nah, it's Friday night, Moe. I want to try something special. MOE Sure, sure. (Writes on a bottle) Here you go, Düff. From Sweden, huh huh. HOMER Goal! (Takes a sip) Wait a minute, this is Duff! MOE Heh heh, you got me didn't you? Okay, here you go, Red Tick Beer. HOMER Mmm...bold, refreshing, and something I can't quite put my finger on. At the beer processing plant, dogs are swimming in a vat of beer, a tester tastes some. TESTER Hmm, needs more dog. HOMER Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. MOE Just a second, Homer. You gotta take a breathalyzer test before I let you drive home. The machine reads Tipsy, Soused, Stinkin', Boris Yeltsin. Homer gets the latter. HOMER Uh, I guess I'll walk home. (walks out, swaying) Ohh... He walks down eerie roads. He hears scary, Psycho-esque music and a light comes towards him. It turns out to be a bus for the Springfield Philharmonic orchestra. The bus stops and a violinist gets off. Homer continues on his way, and comes across a billboard reading "DIE". He screams, but then a gust of wind blows a tree out of the way to reveal it actually says "DIET". He screams louder and runs off towards the woods. Grampa emerges from the undergrowth. GRAMPA Oh, son I'm glad to see you! I went for the morning paper and I got lost! And-- HOMER No time for you, old man! He pushes him over, then while running trips over a root. He becomes bathed in a green light, and X-Files-style music is heard. A green glow moves towards him, and an alien-looking figure can be seen. HOMER Please, don't hurt me! ALIEN (with a soft voice) Don't be afraid. HOMER Yahhh! Homer runs through a field of long gra**, creating the pattern "Yahhh!" ACT TWO Back at home, Homer bursts into the bedroom. MARGE Homer, it's 2am. What happened? HOMER It was an alien, Marge! It appeared in front of me and said, "Don't be afraid"! MARGE Have you been drinking? HOMER No! Well, ten beers. MARGE Hmmm... The next morning. HOMER I'm telling you, I saw a creature from another planet. LISA Maybe you just dreamed it. HOMER Oh yeah? Well when I came to I was covered with a sticky, translucent goo. Explain that! MARGE More sausage? (Homer drools) LISA Dad, according to Junior Skeptic Magazine, the chances are 175 million to one of another form of life actually coming into contact with ours. HOMER So? LISA It's just that the people who claim they've seen aliens are always pathetic lowlifes with boring jobs. Oh, and you, Dad. (chuckles nervously) Bart runs in with a water pistol, and slinky eyes. BART I am the thing... from Uran*s! HOMER Ahhh! Oh, it's Bart. I can't believe it. I'm being mocked, by my own children...on my birthday. BART It's your birthday? HOMER Yes! Remember? It's the same day as the dog's. LISA Santa's Little Helper, it's your birthday? Ooh, we've got to get you a present. Yes we do. Yes we do! (runs to the dog) BART We love you. MARGE Good doggy, good doggy! (Lisa, Bart, Marge and Maggie all hug the dog) HOMER Lousy loveable dog. At the nuclear plant, Homer tells his colleagues about the experience. HOMER Oh, it was awful. They sat me on a cold, metal table and prodded me with humiliating probes. And--oh, wait, that was my physical. CARL Great story Homer, really. The crowd groans and leaves. Homer takes a trip to the police station. HOMER The alien has a sweet heavenly voice...like Urkel! And he appears every Friday night...like Urkel! WIGGUM Well your story is very compelling, Mr. Jacka**, I mean Simpson. So I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. (Hums and makes typing motion in the air) HOMER Ugh, you don't have to humiliate me. He leaves, and another man walks in, with scorched clothing. ARSONIST I just torched a building downtown, and I'm afraid I'll do it again! WIGGUM Oh, yeah right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. (Hums and types again) Fruitcake. Establishing shot outside a building. Text appears on-screen as if being typed, a la The X Files: FBI DIVISION OF PARANORMAL ACTIVITY WASHINGTON, D.C. Inside, there is a picture of J. Edgar Hoover in a dress, Scully is typing on the computer. Mulder enters the room. MULDER Look at this Scully. (He shows her the Springfield Shopper newspaper, with headline: "Human Blimp Sees Flying Saucer" and a picture of Homer) There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away. SCULLY Well, gee Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of d** and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight. MULDER I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that. Mulder and Scully visit the Simpsons home. Mulder knocks on the door, and Marge answers. MARGE Hello. Can I help you? MULDER Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI. MARGE Is this about that pen that I took from the post office? I swear, I didn't know I put it in my purse, then I was going to bring it back but the dog chewed it up, and that just made things worse. (she hyperventilates) SCULLY Actually, we're here to see your husband about his UFO encounter. MARGE (still hyperventilating) Oh...come...come in. At the FBI Springfield Branch (Invading Your Privacy For 60 Years). A line-up takes place. SCULLY Mr. Simpson, look at this line-up and tell us if any of these is the aliens you saw. The aliens are Marvin the Martian, RoboCop, Chewbacca, ALF, and either Kang or Kodos. ALF Yo! HOMER No, I'm sorry. The aliens all mutter and leave. MARVIN This makes me very angry! In an interrogation room, Cigarette Smoking Man hides in a corner, while Scully prepares tests. SCULLY Now we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few 'yes or no' questions, and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand? HOMER Yes! (The machine blows up) In another lab, Scully taps Homer's knee for reflex. A very long time later, Homer feels it. HOMER Ow! Next Homer is on a treadmill in just his underpants, with electrodes attached to him. MULDER Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test? SCULLY No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little weight. MULDER His jiggling is almost hypnotic. SCULLY Yes. It's like a lava lamp. Establishing shot outside Moe's. The phrase "ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY" is typed over and over on screen. MULDER All right Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien. HOMER Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. SCULLY Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. HOMER We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy? HOMER (Several beers later) You are one fine looking woman, lady. If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that! (stamps bottle on bar, and it fizzes over) I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God I love her! Hey, a penny! (Dives to grab it) MOE So uh, so what are you guys anyhow? MULDER Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI. MOE FBI, huh? Uh, 'scuse me. (Goes to the back room, where two guys are hosing down a whale) All right, they're on to us. Get him back to Sea World! HOMER (Even more drunk) So I said, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same colour in the end. SCULLY Homer, why don't you show us where you went when you left the bar. HOMER (In the forest) I was standing right here, when the horrible creature emerged from the woods. There is a rustling from a bush, and Grampa emerges. GRAMPA For the love of God help me! I've been here for four days, and a turtle's got a hold of my teeth! There he is. (Chases the turtle) Come back here, you! Slow down! I'll get you... SCULLY This is the worst a**ignment we've ever had. MULDER Worse than the time we were attacked by the flesh-eating virus? The turtle bites Grampa. GRAMPA Ow, it bit me with my own teeth! SCULLY No, this is much more irritating. I've seen enough Mulder, let's go. MULDER Yeah okay. But somewhere out there, something is watching us. There are alien forces acting in ways we can't perceive. (Scully rolls her eyes, and leaves) Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us. (hours later) Voodoo priests of Haiti, Tibetan Numerologists of Appalachia. The unsolved mysteries of...unsolved mysteries. The truth...is out there! Moe and the two guys from the bar come pa** carrying the whale. MOE Who would have thought a whale could be so heavy? Cheese it, the Feds! (they run off) That night at the Simpson home. Homer and Marge are in bed. HOMER Oh Marge, I've never felt so alone. No one believes me. (pause) Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer." MARGE I don't believe you, Homer. HOMER You do! Oh Marge, you've made me so happy! MARGE Hmm... you're not listening. You're only hearing what you wanna hear. HOMER Thanks, I'd love an omelette right about now. MARGE Homer, please! I try to be supportive, but this has gone to far. Please just let it be. HOMER No, I can't. This is my cause. I'm like the man who single-handedly built the rocket and went to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed? MARGE Please, let's just go to sleep. HOMER No, I refuse to share a bed with someone who thinks I'm crazy. Unless you're feeling... amorous. Rrrr! MARGE No I'm not. HOMER Well then, good night. Homer is sat in the kitchen. Bart enters. BART Hey Dad. What's the word from planet crackpot? HOMER Oh, I suppose you're going to mock me too. BART Well actually dad, I believe you. HOMER You do? BART Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure. HOMER Thank you son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing? BART Hell, yes. HOMER That's my boy. If you believe in me, then I'm not going to give up. I'll prove I'm right. This Friday we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien! BART What if we don't? HOMER We'll fake it and sell it to the Fox network. BART (chuckling) They'll buy anything. HOMER Now son, they do a lot of quality programming too. (Pause, then they both laugh hard) I k** me. At the woods, Homer and Bart camp out. Frogs sit on lily pads in a pond. FROG 1 Bud... FROG 2 ...weis... FROG 3 ...er! FROG 1 Bud... FROG 2 ...weis... FROG 3 ...er! And alligator surfaces and eats the frogs. ALLIGATOR Coors! BART Yo, dad can I have a sip of your beer? HOMER Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake ID's. Besides, it's such a beautiful night, how about a ghost story? BART (Sometime later) ...And that, is how much college will cost for Maggie. HOMER No! No! Nooo!! BART (later again) You know dad, it doesn't matter that we didn't see the alien. I've really had a great time out here. HOMER Yeah, me too. Suddenly, there is a green glow, and the X-Files theme is heard. The alien emerges from the woods. HOMER It's him! ALIEN I bring you peace. HOMER As a representative of Planet Earth, let me be the first to say... (Steps in the camp fire) Ahhh! (screams more) ALIEN Ahhh! (it runs off) HOMER D'oh! It's gone. And we still don't have any proof. BART Oh yes we do, I got it all on tape! (holds up camcorder) HOMER Good work son! We did it! We did it! They high five, and we dissolve back into the storybook. Leonard Nimoy closes the book. NIMOY And so, from this simple man came the truth, that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy, good night. TEENAGER (from off-screen) Uh Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left. NIMOY Oh, fine. Let me, uh, just get, uh...something out of my car. (runs off and car is heard driving away) TEENAGER (walking into camera shot) I don't think he's coming back. ACT THREE BROCKMAN Tonight on Eye-Witness News: A man who's been in a coma for 23 years wakes up. MAN (In a hospital room) Do Sonny and Cher still have that stupid show? BROCKMAN No, she won an Oscar, and he's a congressman. MAN Good night! (he dies) BROCKMAN But first, ET phone Homer. Simpson, that is. HOMER Marge, kids, they're about to show my videotape! (everyone rushes in) BROCKMAN Local man Homer Simpson, shown here with his tongue stuck to a lamp post (File Photo displayed), has given us this videotape. It's a close encounter, of the blurred kind. (chuckles) ALIEN (on the video) I bring you peace. BROCKMAN The alien has appeared in the same Springfield pasture the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire channel six news team will be there, except for Phil, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow. (He is hit on the head with the boom) Ow! Very unprofessional, Phil. BART Well, Lis. What do you think about the alien now? LISA I think there must be a more logical explanation. And I think the people of this town aren't going to be won over by three seconds of videotape. The doorbell rings, and Homer is greeted by a large crowd. HOMER Uh, I'm happy to answer any questions you have about the alien. Any questions at all. Dr Hibbert? DR HIBBERT Yes, is the alien carbon-based or silicon-based? HOMER Uh, the second one. Zillophone. Next question. BARNEY Is the alien Santa Claus? HOMER Uh, yes. FLANDERS Uh, were you on my roof last night stealing my weather vane? HOMER This interview is over! (Slams door, and the weather vane falls) At the church. REVEREND LOVEJOY I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens, he came in peace, and then died. Only to come back to life. His name was... E.T.: The Extraterrestrial. I loved that little guy. It is Friday night. A 'Welcome Alien' banner is in the woods, and the band plays 'Close Encounters of the Third Kind'. Everyone is in the woods waiting for the alien. Jimbo Jones has a sign, 'Alien Dude: Need Two Tickets to Pearl Jam' BART Leonard Nimoy! What are you doing here? NIMOY Wherever there is a mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near. BART (unimpressed) Uh-huh. HOT DOG VENDOR Hey, Spock, what do you want 0n your hot dog? NIMOY Surprise me. He sticks a load of veg on it. Homer looks at the T-shirt sales. HOMER Take a look at this Lisa. (Holds up 'Homer Was Right' T-Shirt) You don't see any "Homer Is A Dope" T-shirts, do you? T-SHIRT VENDOR We sold those out in five minutes. HOMER D'oh! (Marge and Maggie are wearing "Homer is a Dope" shirts) Marge, how could you? MARGE These shirts are 100% cotton, and look at the fine stitching on "Dope". HOMER I'll take two. Suddenly, the clouds draw together as the alien approaches. KRUSTY Ahhh! HOMER Look. There it is! MARGE Oh, Homie. Homie, I'm so sorry I doubted you. ALIEN I bring you love! DR HIBBERT Is that the love between a man and a woman, or the love of a man for a fine Cuban cigar? (chuckles) ALIEN Uh...I bring you love! LENNY It's bringing love, don't let it get away! CARL Break its legs! LISA Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien! Lisa shines her torch on it, and it is revealed to be Mr. Burns. BURNS Hello, children. I bring you love. WILLY It's a monster! k** it! k** it! SMITHERS It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns. WILLY Aw, it's Mr. Burns. k** it! k** it! SMITHERS No, let me explain. Every Friday evening after work Mr. Burns undergoes a series of medical treatments designed to cheat d**h for another week. (Burns is on a conveyor belt) First Mr. Burns' chiropractors perform a slight spinal adjustment. Then a team of doctors administer his eye drops, pain k**ers, and a vocal cord straightening. DR. NICK Don't worry, you won't feel a thing. (Holds up huge instrument) Till I jam this down your throat! SMITHERS The whole ordeal leaves Mr. Burns twisted and disoriented. (Burns wanders into the woods dazed and confused) DR NICK (At the door of the hospital) The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money. Back at the woods. BART But what's with the glowing? MR. BURNS Um, I'll field that question. A lifetime of working in a nuclear power plant has given me a healthy green glow. And left me as impotent as a Nevada Boxing Commissioner. And now that I'm back to normal, I don't bring you peace and love, I bring you fear, famine, pestilence, and-- DR NICK Time for a booster! (Jabs in a needle) Music starts and the crowd begins to sing. MR. BURNS Good morning star shine. The Earth says hello! NIMOY You twinkle above us, we twinkle below. EVERYONE Good morning star shine, you meet us along... Music and singing continues as Homer and Marge talk. MARGE Well, you said you'd bring them peace and love, and it looks like you did it. I'm proud of you Homie. HOMER Thanks, Marge. TEENAGER (Closes the storybook) And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Goodnight, and keep watching the skis. Uh, skies.