The Rugburns - My Carphone's On The Pill lyrics

My carphone's on the pill, and my girfriend's got call waiting Satan's in the bagels and my toaster's masturbating My computer has hard drive, and my disk is always floppy My Xerox has the runs and it won't stop sh**ting copies Help me My paper wants some coffee and my mother needs recycling My fax is getting acne and it needs some tetracyclene My dog is late for school and my son pissed on the floor The percolator's drooling and the baby's at the store Would you help me please? The TV's watching me and my control is in remote Grandpa's s**ing carpet and the vacuum stole my coat And the birds are smoking c**aine and my son lives in a nest My daughter just got neutered, and my cat just got fake breasts Now help me please Yeah TV rules the house now, Mr. Cartwright is the boss Ginger's kissing MaryAnn and I'm in love with Hoss Thurston Howell III is lusting after Mary Tyler More is always less that Mr. Douglas is a styler Green Acres is the place to be, that Eb is such a dork He hit Arnold the pig and so tonight we're eating pork Help me My coffee lost its dentures and my father needs reheating My wife is always empty and the fridge is always eating The dust pan's playng marbles and the kids are in the sink And the heater won't quit farting and my mental health it stinks Now help me please My car went to the movies, and I'm locked in my garage My bathroom went to art school, now I piss in a collage And the blender stole my credit cards, and bought some fancy duds Everyone has patriots, but all I have are scuds Help me please My carphone's on the pill, and my girfriend's got call waiting Satan's in the bagels and my toaster's masturbating Help me please