The Key Of Awesome - Jack Bauer Man-Crush lyrics

[Spoken Intro] The following song takes place between now and two minutes from now Events occur in real time [Chorus] I have a man-crush on Jack Bauer, (Dammit) A heteros**ual man-crush on Jack Bauer, (Dammit) Some say he's a rebel Some say he's insane If you question his methods he'll say 'I don't have time to explain' He's been tortured, beaten, k**ed And then brought back to life He sometimes has to shoot his friends And Nina k**ed his wife, (Dammit) He sacrificed himself So we can be free You never see him eat And he never needs to pee He's a likeable fella And mostly a good guy But sometimes he has to say things like 'When your daughter is infected I'm gonna make you watch her die' [Chorus] I have a man-crush on Jack Bauer, (Dammit) I sometimes think about him in the shower, (Tell me where the device is) I'm not saying that I'm gay no That's not my confession It's just a heteros**ual man-crush Bordering on obsession, (What are you talking about?) Jack has one long crappy day Every single year You'd think by now he'd be insane Or start a new career He saves us from disaster Twenty-four times a day Why would CTU ever question Anything he has to say? He's k**ed a lot of people To save the human race If it'd help him get a lead He'd kick a puppy in the face And he set my heart a flutter When I heard him say 'You may think I can't force this towel down your throat But trust me I can, all the way' [Chorus] I have a man-crush on Jack Bauer, (Dammit) He get's so much done in an hour, (Who are you?) I've never had such confusing feelings for another man But they're only for Jack Bauer, not Keifer Sutherland (Trust me, you don't want to go down this road with me) Oh Jack Bauer, yes I do