Steve Gossett - Mrs. Claus vs. Mary Poppins lyrics

[Announcer] Princess Rap Battle. Mrs. Claus versus Mary Poppins! [Mary] When there's a looming battle to be faced and fought, the lesson is: get right to it Practically perfect people prefer to be polite, but sometimes you just have to say “screw it” You never get applause You're the dependent Claus You're known for wrapping toys But my rapping sk** destroys I'm money in the Banks so show some respect If you tear me up like paper then I'll resurrect And I suspect you should check your cholesterol twice Hey, fat cat, how are you at catching mice? You're like a piecrust, so easily smashed I'll feed the birds what's left of you once you've been trashed I hear it's been years since the North Pole got rigid Today's forecast says you're entirely frigid [Mrs. Claus] Don't go there, honey, the word around town Is just a spoonful of sugar gets you to go down The parrot on your parasol does nothing but protest (Hey!) You're a stuck-up servant, ho-ho-horribly dressed The biggest charity since ever, we help the ma**es With you a couple kids get splinters in their a**es (Cheeky!) Your rhymes are weak - you're a low stakes player Come at me, freak - I'll one-horse open slay ya I'm behind the scenes, but that doesn't mean I'm dumb I run the workshop, keep the books, and advise my sugar plum I'm a baker, all about these rolls, a big broad bruiser Even your reflection thinks you're a loser [Mary] I find this a bore, let's double it up [Mrs. Claus] Oh, bring it on, sister, we will mess your sh** up! [Mrs. Claus] Bert [Bert] Santa [Santa] Mary [Mary] …Mrs.? [Bert] Extemporized before your very eyes Love to laugh at jolly guys I despise I likes what I raps and I raps what I likes ‘cause damn right Van Dyke rocks these mics You're an icon of greed that's perverted the season You give coal to bad kids, Mary teaches ‘em reason, she's [Mary] Super cla**y, swagolistic, extremely ferocious [Mary & Bert] Super cla**y, swagolistic, extremely ferocious [Mary] I could do this whole verse backwards, but I truly feel I'm through wasting my time, because you're not even real [Santa] Fool, I'm real, and I'm spectacular This Dick can't stick to an accent or vernacular [Mrs. Claus] Your ugly carpet bag might impress a dunce [Santa] But my sack holds billions of presents at once The whole world counts down to December twenty-fourth Winter is coming, I'm the “King in the North” [Mrs. Claus] Drinking one Coke a year has made us rich [Santa] My list's never wrong: it says you're a b**h [Mary] Please don't act like you're some kind of saint, Nick [Bert] Always spying on minors [Mary & Bert] That's jailbait, prick [Mrs. Claus] This boring British wench needs a long winter's nap [Santa] You've been a naughty girl, shut up and sit on my lap [Mary] That's quite enough of that, the winds have changed here Let's see how well you fly without your reindeer