Stan Rogers - The Woodbridge Dog Disaster lyrics

There was an old woman in Woodbridge there was So proper and tidy and all of them things She would wander all day with her duster in hand She was one of those women who clean where they stand And while she is at it she sings, boys And while she is at it she sings. (And you sing too) Now there's no doubt about it her house was a show With everything proper and stowed in its place And that's why her dustbins had a shed of their own Like a mirror each one of those bins it had grown You could read every line in your face, boys You could read every line in your face. Now there's nothing the matter with tidiness, no No matter with keeping your house up to scratch But these bins were located one side of a yard Where a Doberman Pinscher was prowling on guard Trained to k** if you lifted the latch, boys, Trained to k** if you lifted the latch. Now it's all very well to protect what is yours And it's better not leaving temptation around But a job of the dust is rewarding enough And there's nothing like taking the smooth with the rough To be savaged by some bloody hound, boys To be savaged by some bloody hound. Now this Doberman Pinscher would play in the yard And a couple of old tennis balls was his game In his make-believe game it's himself that he saw As the world's only dog with a bionic jaw (grrr) And that's when the garbage man came, boys And that's when the garbage man came. Now fate took a hand on this coldest of days For his wife she had made him to wear a warm coat And to knot up his muffler to keep out the chill And for once in his life he had bent to her will And the dog couldn't get at his throat, boys And the dog couldn't get at his throat. Now when the woman above was drawn to the noise It's down from a high chamber window she called To the dustman engaged in a struggle for life In a middle cla** tone you could cut with a knife She loudly exclaimed, "Kick his balls," boys She loudly exclaimed, "Kick his balls." Now the dustman could scarcely believe the command But he didn't have time to request it again So ignoring distinctions of language and cla** He unleashed a size ten on the Doberman's a** And its eyes misted over with pain, boys And its eyes misted over with pain. Now imagine the silence that followed that blow (yelp) With the command ringing on in the poor dustman's ears And as the poor doggie lay writhing around You could see the two tennis balls there on the ground (oooh) And her meaning was rendered quite clear, boys And her meaning was rendered quite clear. Now I'd like to explain that this dog was at stud And the dustman was sued for the fees that he'd lost But it's lucky he was to escape with his life He went home with a kiss for his poor startled wife Who harangued him for what it might cost, boys Who harangued him for what it might cost. Now if there's a moral to be gained from this song It's that innocent language might sometimes sound crude And as in the case of the carpenter's mate Your linguistic enlightenment might arrive late And you could end up getting screwed, boys And you could end up getting screwed.