Stan Freberg - Elderly Man River lyrics

Freberg: Just kidding, just kidding. But it's great to be with you tonight. We have a special-- Tweedly: Pardon me, Mr. Freberg, but my name is Tweedly Freberg: Well, we all have our problems Tweedly: I am the censor from the citizens radio committee. And, um... I feel-- Freberg: You uh... from the citizens radio committee, you say? Tweedly: That's exactly what I said, yes. I-- Freberg: And what is your purpose in being here? Tweedly: I must okay all the material used on your program here, and I think the best method is to just sit back here and interrupt when I feel it's necessary Freberg: You mean you plan to stop me every time I do something that YOU think is wrong? Tweedly: Exactly. I'll just sound my little horn like this (buzzer). And then you stop, and I'll tell you what's wrong Freberg: Uh, somehow I can tell this is gonna be one of those days Tweedly: You just go right ahead, Mr. Freberg. Don't mind me Freberg: Yeah, now I'd like to sing-- (buzzer) Tweedly: You forgot to say "thank you", Mr. Freberg. Politeness is an essential in radio programming. Your program goes into the home, we must be a good influence on... children Freberg: Why, that's a darling little horn there Tweedly: Mmm-hmm Freberg: Thanks very much, Mr. Tweedly Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure Freberg: I'd like to sing a old river song in honor of this week of National Mississippi Riverboat Paddlewheel Week. Mr., may I, if you please? Tweedly: Very polite, Mr. Freberg Freberg: Thank you Old man river, that old-- (buzzer) All right, Tweedly, politeness I dig, but what in the world is wrong with "old man river"? Tweedly: The word "old" has a connotation that some of the more elderly people find distasteful. I would suggest you make the substitution, please Freberg: I suppose you insist Tweedly: Precisely. You may continue Freberg: Okay, music (buzzer) Tweedly: You forgot to say-- Freberg: Thank you, yes, okay. Thank you, Mr. Tweedly Tweedly: You're quite welcome, I am sure Freberg: Elderly man river, that elderly man river He must know somethin', but he don't say nothin'. (buzzer) All right, hold it, fellas. Now what, Tweedly? Tweedly: The word "something", you left off the G Freberg: But that's authentic. "Somethin'," "someTHIN'". That's the way the people... talk down there Tweedly: I'm sorry. The home is a cla**room, Mr. Freberg Freberg: I know, you said that Tweedly: Keep in mind the tiny tots. And... But furthermore, think back. You'll recall that you said "but he don't say nothin'" Freberg: Mmm-hmm Tweedly: Now, really, Mr. Freberg, that's a double negative Do you mean he DOES say something? Freberg: No, I just wasn't using my head, I guess Tweedly: I mean, after all, it should be grammatically correct, keeping in mind-- Freberg: The tiny tots, yes Tweedly: You probably mean he doesn't say anything Freberg: I don't-- I suppose I mean that, yes, I guess. All right, uh fine, you win. All right, Billy, music (buzzer). Thank you, thank you Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure Freberg: Elderly man river, that elderly man river He must know something, but he doesn't say anything He just keeps rollin'-- rolling He just keeps rolling along He don't (buzzer) doesn't plant taters-- potatoes He doesn't plant cotton/cotting And then these/those that plants them are soon forgotting But elderly man river, he just keeps rolling along Tweedly: Excellent! Freberg: Thank you You and me-- (buzzer) The uh, the tiny tots again, was it? Tweedly: Exactly Freberg: Sorry about that, here we go You and I; we sweat, (buzzer) perspire and strain Body's all aching and wracked with pain. Well, we got by that one Tote that barge, lift that bail! You get a little... [he slows down and stops here, since the rest of it is "drunk and you land in jail".] Okay, take your finger off the bu*ton, Mr. Tweedly. We know when we're licked. Well, that concludes "Elderly Man River" (buzzer). Oh, yes, and thank you for being with us, Mr. Tweedly Tweedly: You're welcome, I'm sure