Seinfeld - The Stall lyrics

OPENING MONOLOGUE JERRY: The whale is supposed to be such an intelligent animal. You know you always here about how they can communicate by song from miles away. How extensive their vocabulary is. I would say from the rate we are pushing the whales off the beach back into the ocean the words shore and close do not appear to be in their vocabulary. I would say if the whales concentrate a little less on the singing and a little more on approaching Quervo beach volleyball tournament. If you wanna maintain the brainy mammal image. THE BATHROOM ELAINE: Oh, I can't believe this. What a dope! uh..excuse me umm.. I'm sorry this is.. this is kind of embarra**ing but.. there's no toilet paper over here JANE: (from the stall on Elaine's right) Are you talking to me? ELAINE: yeah.. I I just forgot to check so if you could just spare me some. JANE: No I'm sorry ELAINE: What? JANE: No I'm sorry, I can't spare it ELAINE: you can't spare it?? JANE: no there's not enough to spare ELAINE: well I don't need much, just 3 squares will do it JANE: I'm sorry I don't have a square to spare, now if you don't mind ELAINE: 3 squares? you can't spare 3 squares?? JANE: no I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square ELAINE: oh is it two-ply? cause it it's two-ply I'll take one ply, one ply, one puny little ply, I'll take one measly ply JANE: look, I don't have a square and I don't have a ply (flushing and leaving) ELAINE: No no, no no, don't don't, I beg you THE MOVIE THEATER Jerry's girlfriend, Jane, returns and sits down JERRY: (eating pop corn) hmm I love this artificial flavoring I like it better than bu*ter I think it's more consistent JANE: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom JERRY: what? offering pop corn to Jane elsewhere in the same theater ELAINE: hey TONY: Hey. Hey? where is my popcorn babe? ELAINE: what? TONY: my popcorn, you were supposed to get me popcorn what? would you forget about me babe? ELAINE: you would not believe what just happened to me in the bathroom JANE: I mean.. a person needs a certain amount of toilet paper to be covered.. I simply could not spare it this woman just didn't get it, she kept hara**ing me ELAINE: 3 squares!! that's all I was asking for! 3 squares! JANE: she wouldn't stop "help me! help me!" she was insane ELAINE: I was begging her "please! please!" she was insane JERRY: who do you think she is? how dare she? you want me to get the manager? too bad they don't have those old ladies walking around with flashlights anymore we'd flush her out JANE: I don't know what she looks like JERRY: I wonder where Elaine is sitting? I really wanted you to meet her she's supposed to be here tonight with her new boyfriend Tony ELAINE: hmm where is Jerry sitting? he's supposed to be here tonight with his new girlfriend I'm dying to see what she looks like TONY: hey? you think if I jumped off that balcony I'd get hurt? JERRY'S APT. Jerry's at his computer Kramer enters KRAMER: hey JERRY: hey KRAMER: hey guy, can I use your phone in your bedroom? JERRY: what's the matter with yours? KRAMER: huh.. my batteries are dead JERRY: It's not one of those 976 calls, is it? KRAMER: look come on, let me use it, 5 minutes, I'll pay you back huh? JERRY: why do you do that? KRAMER: oh (goes to the bedroom) Elaine enters ELAINE: I am never going back to the movies again JERRY: hey where were you last night? I looked for you, I didn't see you ELAINE: I looked for you too, I was all the way over on the side JERRY: oh with huh.. pretty boy.. Tony ELAINE: yeah JERRY: hey hey (fooling around with his collar) ELAINE: yeah, all right ok JERRY: Tony, hey hey (continues fooling) ELAINE: that's nice. Listen, listen to this I am in the bathroom, right before the movie starts JERRY: huh huh ELAINE: I'm in the stall and there's no toilet paper JERRY: no what? ELAINE: toilet paper JERRY: oh.. whoa.. ELAINE: so I ask this woman in the stall next to me for some and she refuses! ha ha JERRY: well maybe she couldn't spare it ELAINE: a square? JERRY: well, you know, sometimes a square is everything ELAINE: a ply? JERRY: Elaine, you cannot judge a person on a situation like that. I mean it's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert ELAINE: yeah JERRY: it's battle conditions ELAINE: yeah, well I just hope I run into her again ok, cause I will never forget that flinty voice, it is tattooed in my brain if I hear it, watch out So listen what happened with Jane last night? JERRY: oh.. Jane she uh.. she uh.. ELAINE: the four of us are going out Saturday right? That should be fun JERRY: yeah that should be real fun ELAINE: you know what, it's getting late, can I call Tony? JERRY: yeah Elaine picks up the wireless phone and presses for the tone WOMAN'S VOICE ON THE PHONE: then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat.. how's that Andre? ELAINE: Andre? Jerry approaches and listens to the phone with Elaine KRAMER: (on the phone) what about the driver? we could get an accident WOMAN so what? KRAMER: oh that wouldn't be very good JERRY: (on the phone) hey Andre, get the hell off the phone! ELAINE: what, what is going on? what.. who is Andre? JERRY: Kramer's Andre, he's fooling around with these 976 numbers (Kramer walks out of the bedroom) hey I told you, I don't want you doing that on my phone KRAMER: Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone s** thing is hilarious, like this woman Erika, here look (showing the ad in the newspaper). You gotta call her, the voice she uses.. JERRY: hey you know it's weird because that voice sounded a little familiar to me KRAMER: hey, you're hungry? Monk's? JERRY: no I gotta go downtown ELAINE: oh wait, you're giving me a lift home right? JERRY: yeah ELAINE: so listen, what happened last night with Jane? JERRY: oh uh nothing, she just.. choked on a jujube JERRY'S CAR ELAINE: you know I hate to tell you this, but it's time to defrost that freezer JERRY: I know, I just can't bring myself to do it meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller (she smiles) (Elaine looks at her watch) oh, don't wanna keep Tony waiting ELAINE: hey you got a problem with Tony? JERRY: hunky.. Tony.. hey hey hey (fools around with his collar again) ELAINE: ok, Jerry, I would be going out with him no matter what he looked like JERRY: of course you would ELAINE: oh yeah, oh.. like you're one to talk JERRY: Elaine ELAINE: what? JERRY: different for a man ELAINE: uh? JERRY: we're expected to be superficial ELAINE: I'm not being superficial JERRY: Elaine, he's a.. he's a male bimbo, he's a mimbo ELAINE: he's not a mimbo, he's an exciting, charismatic man he just happened to have a perfect face JERRY: and that's why you're going out with him ELAINE: no it is not JERRY: you know, I think George has a non-s**ual crush on him ELAINE: I think he does too JERRY: I mean, every time I see him, it's Tony this, Tony that. George is like a school girl around him MONK'S CAFE TONY: so I said uh.. "hey dude, you better step off" Tony takes his cap and wears it backwards GEORGE: "step off"? TONY: yeah GEORGE: you said "step off"? wow, that is too much hey..huh hey (George turns the cap his wearing backwards like Tony) Tony, I huh, I just had this brainstorm for us. Can you guess what it is? TONY: no GEORGE: bowling! what do you say bowling? bowling's insane! bowling is crazy time TONY: bowling? I don't think so George you get no rush from bowling GEORGE: rush? you want a rush? drop a ball on your toe my friend, talk about a rush, you'll be throbbing, you'll see visions TONY: no no no no, I'm thinking.. rock-climbing GEORGE: all right! rock-climbing! J..just the 2 of us? alright! hey I'll make some sandwiches, what what do you like? tuna? peanut bu*ter? TONY: what.. whatever GEORGE: alright alright, I gotta buy some bread TONY: yeah yeah, you know I'm definitely down for some rock-climbing GEORGE: me too, I am down, I am totally down, mark me down TONY: cool, so what do you say we climb a rock mañana? GEORGE: uh.. mañana? huh mañana might.. huh mañana might be a problem, I'm supposed to have huh a boil lanced mañana. Huh you know I think they charge me if I cancel with only one mañana's notice Kramer enters TONY: hey Kramer KRAMER: hey TONY: hey, hey Kramer my man, what are you doing mañana? KRAMER: mañana I'm doing nada TONY: what do you say you scale some rock with me and George? GEORGE: uh Tony? there's not gonna be too many sandwiches TONY: c'mon Kramer what do you say? GEORGE: huh Kramer it's huh.. gonna be pretty dangerous up there KRAMER: Na, I am down TONY: yes.. alright buddy, take it easy Kramer you down to it George? what's wrong? GEORGE: Oh no, I am down! Tony and George high-five really hard. George shakes his hand in pain afterward JERRY'S APARTMENT ELAINE: rock climbing? hehe.. where do you come off going rock climbing.. rock climbing? you need a boost to climb into your bed (Elaine laughs) GEORGE: alright alright JERRY: yeah yeah what is it with you and Tony? what are you? it's like his sidekick now? GEORGE: yeah that's right. I like it. He's such a cool guy JERRY: cool guy? what are you, in 8th grade? GEORGE: he's the first cool guy I've ever been friends with in my whole life. You know.. it's a different world when you're with a cool guy, he's not afraid of anybody. You should hear the way he talks to waitresses.. he gets free pie! Kramer enters KRAMER: hey EVERYBODY hey GEORGE: hey nice move today KRAMER: what? GEORGE: horning on my rock climbing trip. It's just supposed to be me and Tony KRAMER: he asked me GEORGE: you put him on the spot KRAMER: you know I think you are in love with him GEORGE: what?.. that's ridiculous! KRAMER: no no no, I don't think so. You love him GEORGE: you better be careful on those rocks tomorrow buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either phone rings, Kramer answers JERRY: you're making sandwiches? KRAMER: hello GEORGE: well I don't know if there's gonna be any place to eat up there KRAMER: who? GEORGE: Hey Elaine, does Tony like peanut bu*ter? ELAINE: hates it GEORGE: good thing I asked JERRY: (to Kramer): who is it? KRAMER: well she says Jane JERRY: yeah, so? KRAMER: well that voice, it's very familiar.. throaty, almost flinty JERRY: did you say flinty? KRAMER: yeah yeah, (in a flinty voice) flinty ON THE ROCKS Kramer and George are hanging on a rock KRAMER: (singing) yodel lay hee hoo! yodel lay hee hoo! hello! (Kramer jumps around George from one side to an other) ECHO: hello KRAMER: hey George, hear that? George is terrified GEORGE: please please I don't want to die up here. please, stop moving that's all I'm asking.. Kramer!! George grabs Kramer's leg KRAMER: let go, hey grab the rock GEORGE: what rock? KRAMER: the rock GEORGE: uh oh.. KRAMER: you gotta relax.. try the yodel (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo GEORGE: (sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo.. KRAMER: (chanting) yodel lay hee hoo GEORGE: (sobbing) yodel lay hee hoo.. TONY: (voice from below) George! Kramer! KRAMER: yeah! TONY: take the rope, thread it through the carabiniere and knot it, and I'll climb up to where you are KRAMER: alright.. George you got it? (gives him the rope) GEORGE: yeah TONY: hey George, you got anything to eat dude? GEORGE: (taking it out of his jacket pocket) yeah I got some sandwiches.. I got tuna.. and salmon salad Tony because I know you don't like peanut bu*ter the ropes slides down KRAMER: what? TONY: dude aah. George and Kramer look at each other GEORGE & KRAMER: ahh..!! JERRY'S APARTMENT Jerry and Jane are eating JERRY: oh look at that I got oil all over me. Can I have your napkin? JANE: what? JERRY: you napkin I'm dripping JANE: well where is your napkin? JERRY: I used it up JANE: well I need mine (looks at her watch) oh god loot at the time, I gotta get to work JERRY: you know I'd like to hear about this job of yours JANE: I told you already it's very boring you know I think I got a little too much garlic, can I have a piece of gum JERRY: you're fine (goes to the bathroom) buzzer rings JANE: oh how does this thing work? JERRY: just press it ELAINE: it's Elaine JANE: oh come on up JERRY: (coming out from the bathroom) who was it? JANE: it's Elaine JERRY: oh..huh.. is she coming up? JANE: yeah JERRY: oh.. uh.. you know your breath is a little garlicky you better take some gum. JANE: ok JERRY: Yeah have a couple of pieces, weak, weak gum yeah Jane has her mouth full of gum and can't talk now JANE: hmm JERRY: have some more, take some for the road. JANE: isn't it too much? JERRY: trust me.. nah it's good JANE: smell? JERRY: yeah stinks, terrible Elaine enters JERRY: hi Elaine ELAINE: hi JERRY: this is Jane Elaine ELAINE: hi, nice to meet you finally JANE: it's so nice to meet you (chewing) I look forward to Saturday night ELAINE: yeah me too JANE: ok so I'll see you Saturday night JERRY: Saturday night (she leaves) Jerry shuts the door ELAINE: what is with the gum? JERRY: I know it's a big problem.. she puts like four pieces in her mouth, it's ridiculous, I don't think we're gonna be able to get together on Saturday night ELAINE: because of the gum JERRY: well it's too much, it's embarra**ing ELAINE: why does she have to chew so many? JERRY: she's one of these people, always have to be different on the other side of the door whispering GEORGE: she's there, I can hear her KRAMER: alright, who's gonna tell her GEORGE: huh you tell her KRAMER: it was your fault GEORGE: if you hadn't come, this whole thing wouldn't have happen (back on Jerry and Elaine's side, we can hear George saying "I was the one who was invited", Jerry opens the door) JERRY: well ELAINE: hey GEORGE & KRAMER: hey GEORGE: what are you doing here? ELAINE: did you have fun GEORGE & KRAMER: yeah KRAMER: for a little while ELAINE: where's Tony? GEORGE: oh.. KRAMER: uh.. GEORGE: Kramer was supposed to tie a knot KRAMER: whoa whoa ginga, you were supposed to tie the knot ELAINE: did something happened? GEORGE: Well, Tony.. took a bit of a tumble ELAINE: his face, did something happen to his face? KRAMER: well it all depends on what you mean by.. happen GEORGE: he..he's alive KRAMER: yeah ELAINE: what happened to his face, tell me, what happened to his face GEORGE: Well you see he slipped, and he landed on a kinda of a.. KRAMER: rock GEORGE: yeah.. the ambulance got there very quickly KRAMER: it was a big rock GEORGE: we rode along all the way to the hospital KRAMER: yeah I sang 99 bottles of beer on the wall Elaine rushes out JERRY: well aside from that from that, how did he like the sandwiches? TONY'S ELAINE: so huh, what did the doctors say? TONY: they said huh.. they said I'm coming along (Tony's face is covered by bandages) ELAINE: but what else did they say TONY: well, they said huh Tony, try to keep it clean ELAINE: right yeah.. no I mean did they get into stuff like a.. long jagged scars or.. gross deformities, major skin grafts, stuff like that TONY: I really don't remember, I was kinda out of it for the 1st couple of days, I was on a lot of medication, it was kinda like haze, it was pretty cool ELAINE: huh (smiles) but huh, in this medicated haze, in this woozy state, um do you recall the words.. radical reconstructive surgery being uttered? TONY: I don't know, I don't know ELAINE: think Tony, think TONY: I'm drawing a blank, babe knock on door ELAINE: Excuse me. Elaine gets it, it's George GEORGE: Hi Elaine ELAINE: this isn't a very good time George GEORGE: I just wanted to talk to Tony for a minute (hands Elaine some stuff) TONY: step off George, I don't wanna see you GEORGE: me? "step off" ELAINE: yeah, Tony says you better step off George GEORGE: but..why, it wasn't my fault, I .. you asked me a sandwich, I .. I make such delicious sandwiches Elaine TONY: just beat it dude! GEORGE: here Elaine here, Superman (hands a comic book to Elaine, who pa**es it to Tony) please, next time it will only be the two of us TONY: there won't be any next time George GEORGE: oh Tony don't ELAINE: ok step off George, can u just step off? GEORGE: I I just.. but.. ELAINE: Bye bye (shuts the door) oh.. (opens it back) George wait wait GEORGE: yes? ELAINE: would you throw this trash out (closes the door) JERRY'S APARTMENT Jane is giving Jerry a ma**age JERRY: I've been waiting a while for this. You know it's a shame Tony got all banged up, we're not gonna be able to get together on Saturday night JANE: Oh that is too bad, what a shame JERRY: yeah, it's a damn shame, a damn shame! JANE: well maybe he's feeling better JERRY: yeah without a doubt, I'm down (Kramer enters) oh hey how're you doing? Jane this is my neighbor Kramer KRAMER: hey JANE: hello Kramer (he acts all weird, a la Kramer) KRAMER: well hello Jane JANE: Jerry told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately KRAMER: (very quickly) oh I don't think so, no we never met, I never talked to you before on the phone, alright I'll see you later buddy JERRY: wait, where are you going? where are you going? KRAMER: uptown, to the Y JANE: oh I'm going uptown too, you wanna split a cab? KRAMER: what about the driver? JANE: what are you talking about? JERRY: alright I changed my mind, uh yeah I don't think I'm not gonna go now JANE: well ok I'll see you later, JERRY: Ok. JANE: nice meeting you JERRY:See ya. (Jane Leaves; after the door closes Kramer jumps in shock) what's with you? KRAMER: that's her JERRY: who? KRAMER: Erika, she's Erika JERRY: oh you think she's Erika, the phone s** woman KRAMER: Jerry, that voice is tattooed on my brain, I'm telling you it's her JERRY: oh you're crazy KRAMER: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind? JERRY: It's impossible KRAMER: iIs it? Or is it so possible your heard is spinning like a top? JERRY: it can't be KRAMER: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you? JERRY: alright that's enough KRAMER: yeaaaaah! MONK'S CAFE ELAINE: he's supposed to get the bandages off on Sunday.. what if? JERRY: what? ELAINE: you know (acts like a monster) JERRY: oh you're afraid he might look like Zippy the pinhead ELAINE: yeah I mean, I mean what is my obligation here, you know we were just dating, it was probably gonna be over in a couple of weeks anyway JERRY: oh I though you didn't care about his looks ELAINE: I lied JERRY: aha ELAINE: are you kidding, he's a mimbo I know that.. but he's my mimbo, you know and even if he is a hideous freak maybe, maybe I can learn to love him, maybe in some final irony (Jerry is looking the other way), I'll learn what love really is. You know Jerry JERRY: oh I'm sorry I didn't get most of that.. isn't that Kramer over there? ELAINE: yeah, yeah JERRY: hey Kramer KRAMER: what? hey (walks by Jerry and Elaine's table) it's all set JERRY: what's all set? KRAMER: Erika is gonna meet me here, now we're gonna find out the truth JERRY: how's you get her to meet here? KRAMER: I don't know, we have a certain chemistry Jane shows up and when she sees Jerry, she walks by their table, smiling JERRY: oh my god JANE: hi I thought I'd find you here JERRY: hello.. Erika JANE: Erika? what are you talking about? JERRY: how can u say things like that over the phone? JANE: what things? What are you talking about? JERRY: selling s**ual pleasure over the phone? JANE: I sell paper goods you jerk JERRY: paper goods? ELAINE: excuse me, do you have a tissue? JANE: No, I'm sorry, I can't spare it, there's not enough to spare Elaine realizes JANE: Where's the ladies' room (Kramer points her) ELAINE: I have to go to the bathroom too (runs to be ahead of Jane; Jane stops and looks back at Jerry; Jerry shugs) MONK'S CAFE: THE BATHROOM JANE: oh damn ELAINE: something.. wrong? JANE: yeah there's no toilet paper in here, I usually check but would you mind? ELAINE: I can't, I don't have it, I don't have a square to spare, I can't spare a square JANE: Hey, wait a minute, I know you ELAINE: that's right honey, and I know you! Elaine gets out and she has an arms full of toilet paper JANE: no, no, no!!! MONK'S CAFE Elaine after exiting the bathroom very satisfied, walks towards Jerry and gives him the rolls ELAINE: here, take it JERRY: thanks JANE: (walks out of the bathroom, very furious; to Jerry) don't call me anymore Jerry doesn't say anything and waves his hands Jane walks by Kramer and turns back JANE: (to Kramer, in a very sensual voice) you either sticks her tongue out Kramer and Jerry look at each other, with their mouths open CLOSING MONOLOGUE JERRY: Now of the course the thing is Extreme sports. Bungie jumping. To me if Bungie jumping is a sport so is being a crash test dummy. Just leaning does not make it a sport. It's like a Wiley Coyote idea isn't it? The thing I wonder about the sky diving is why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? Why don't they just wear a party hat? What's the difference? You jump out of a plane from twenty thousand feet in the air the chute doesn't open I got news for you, the helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on the helmet's talking to the other helmets going "boy it's a good thing he was there or I would have hit the ground directly."