Rodney Barnes - The Story of Gangstalicious lyrics

Episode opens with the quotes: The following is a completely fictional work of satire. Any similarities with actual rappers is totally, completely, coincidental. Also, I ain't dissin' nobody's city, or region, or... whatever geographic affiliation you got. I love everybody. Seriously. I really don't want any of you n***as running up on me at the club. I don't have no crew, and they don't pay me enough to hire bodyguards. I know how ya'll n***as do. It's just jokes, man. Dictated. Not read. The management. NEWSREADER: We now return to Gangstalicious: Resurrection. HUEY: Resurrection? The n***a ain't dead. RILEY: Shh. He was shot a bunch of times, all right? At least, he tryin'. NEWSREADER: By late last year, the ongoing feud between Gangstalicious and his crew from New West Manchester, Delaware. RILEY: Yeah, n***a. What's hood? NEWSREADER: And Eat Dirt and his crew RILEY: Boo! NEWSREADER: From Lickety-Split, Virginia, had escalated to the brink of catastrophic warfare. HUEY: Catastrophic warfare? It's just some dumb n***as beefin'. RILEY: What you talkin' about, fool? This is war. HUEY: Yeah, the n***a version of the Cuban Missile Crisis. RILEY: Shh! NEWSREADER: Tensions exploded at an awards show last year when a chair was thrown at Eat Dirt. GANGSTALICIOUS: All I'm sayin' is, you know, sh**'s real. You know what I'm sayin'? sh** ain't just music, right? This is some bona fide, unimpeachable gangsta sh**. You know what I'm saying It's some indubitable sh**! GANGSTALICIOUS GANG MEMBER: What he said, nyukka. EAT DIRT: Yeah, man, you motherf**in' darn thing. God knows, son, man, you'll pick on your foot. n***a, f**. What the f** with them, n***a? Come on. EAT DIRT GANG MEMBER: Heh. Look here, man. Lot of these n***as tryin' to have what we didn't have, but they ain't done what we did done to have what we done have. Especially you, 'Licious. You ain't done nothin'. NEWSREADER: Then, later that year, an altercation in a Miami nightclub between Gangstalicious and Eat Dirt ended in violence. [The fight between Gangstalicious and Eat Dirt is shown on the TV, gunshots are heard] NEWSREADER: In the resulting struggle, both rappers accidentally shot themselves. GANGSTALICIOUS: Man, when I got shot, I was, like, you know, never again. Ain't never gonna happen to me again. Know what I'm sayin'? SWAY (NEWSREADER): What's up, world? I'm Sway. And this is my inexplicable head wrap. We interrupt Gangstalicious: Resurrection for this breaking news story. Rapper Gangstalicious has been shot. RILEY and HUEY: Again? SWAY: Again. RILEY: I was so desperate for information on the shootin', I watched that show my brother calls "The News." EYEWITNESS ON THE NEWS: Oh, sh**! Ah, n***a, I seent it. I seent the whole thing. n***a, you should've seent that sh** I saw. HUEY: Oh, great. Black Eyewitness Man. I hate Black Eyewitness Man. RILEY: n***a, shush. Shh! EYEWITNESS: With my own eyes, n***a. Damn that sh** was crazy, n***a. I seen everything. *his phone rings* Hold up. *picks up the phone* n***a, that's me on TV, baby! Yeah, n***a! Yeah! No, I ain't got your money, n***a. FEMALE EYEWITNESS: Jesus! It was terrible! I was in the club and... See, I was in the club, and this b**h stepped on my shoe. And I was like, "b**h!" And then some n***a started shootin'. I was like, "There he go!" He done f**ed it up for everybody. NARRATOR: So, what had happened was Gangstalicious was doing a show in town when three men rushed the stage and shot him. Ironically, he was doing his new joint, "I Got Shot," at the time. [Gangstalicious performs on stage] GANGSTALICIOUS: *rapping* I got shot! AUDIENCE: *repeating* I got shot! [Three men rush the stage and shoot Gangstalicious] GANGSTALICIOUS: I got shot! AUDIENCE: *still repeating* I got shot! GANGSTALICIOUS: No, I got shot for real! AUDIENCE: I got shot for real! GANGSTALICIOUS: No, goddamn it, I got shot! n***as shot me! I'm bleeding, I'm gonna die! Somebody, please, help me. Help me! *he faints* AUDIENCE: Help me! I got shot! Goddamn it, I got shot! n***as shot me! NARRATOR: It was 45 minutes before anyone called an ambulance. RILEY: Gangstalicious got shot! GRANDDAD: Again? RILEY: We got to do something. HUEY: I got an idea. Let's go to college, so we don't end up like Gangstalicious. GRANDDAD: That boy got shot again. That's a shame. RILEY: A shame? Granddad, a n***a stepping on your sneakers is a shame. This is a catastrophe. It's catastrophic. Can I go to the hospital and visit Gangstalicious? GRANDDAD: Boy, are you stupid? RILEY: Mm. I don't think so. Look, Gangstalicious needs his street soldiers to protect him. The hospital's only 15 minutes away. GRANDDAD: I said no. *walks away* HUEY: It is a shame. It's a damn shame. NARRATOR: My family didn't understand about being a street soldier. Gangstalicious needed my help. I had to get to that hospital. RILEY: Oh, no. I'm falling down the steps. Okay. *falls down the steps intentionally* My shoe! Ah! Uh! Ow! Ooh. *falls right in front of Granddad's legs* I fell down the steps. I gotta go to the hospital. GRANDDAD: You ain't going to that hospital. RILEY: No, really. I can't get up. Where's the love? Ooh! GRANDDAD: *driving his car* Huh? RILEY: *throws himself into the car* Oh, no! I got hit by a car. GRANDDAD: What the hell? You ain't going. RILEY: I gotta go the emergency room. GRANDDAD: Get your little bu*t up, trying to pull that bull jive on me. Come on, get up. Come on. Come on. [In the dining room, Riley holds Granddad's orange juice carton] GRANDDAD: Where is your gla**, boy? RILEY: Gla**? I don't need no gla**. I takes mine to the head. *drinks the whole orange juice from the carton* GRANDDAD: Oh. Ah. RILEY: A full day's supply of vitamin C. [Granddad throws away the carton from Riley hand] RILEY: Ow! GRANDDAD: Boy, have you lost your mind? How are you gonna drink my juice out of the carton? I don't know where your nasty lips have been. RILEY: I know one thing. I ain't goin' to the store to get no more. NARRATOR: See, I was like all in the granddad's mental mind. It was like psychology, but in reverse. [Riley holds his bike, preparing to ride away] GRANDDAD: The store and back, that's it. No hospital. Take my phone, so I can reach you. But don't call anyone. RILEY: Damn, Granddad, is that a cell phone or a cordless payphone? GRANDDAD: Shut up. *hands Riley his cell phone* RILEY: This thing looks like a laptop. GRANDDAD: Stay away from that hospital! NARRATOR: I headed straight for the hospital. Nearly a week had pa**ed since the shooting, and things seemed like they was back to normal. [Riley arrives at the hospital] RILEY: Excuse me, I'm lookin' for Gangstalicious. HOSPITAL WORKER: And who are you? RILEY: I'm one of his many illegitimate children. HOSPITAL WORKER: Fifth floor. RILEY: *opens the door of Gangstalicious' hospital room* Gangstalicious! GANGSTALICIOUS: Hey, what's up, little man? Who are you? RILEY: Hey. Uh, my name's Riley, and, uh, I'm one of your fans. GANGSTALICIOUS: That was close. Come on in. RILEY: Hey, I live around here, and I just wanted to let you know that, you know, it wasn't nobody in my crew that did the shooting. GANGSTALICIOUS: Yeah, yeah. I appreciate that, little man. RILEY: Does it hurt? GANGSTALICIOUS: What? This? *points at his injured hand* Naw, naw. Oh! Naw, naw, naw. Hey, I'm fine. I'm chillin', man. Hey, man, you wanna hang out for a little bit? Get that chair over there real quick. RILEY: Yeah. *gets the chair* GANGSTALICIOUS: Don't worry about it. I ain't Michael Jackson. RILEY: Ho, ho. You said "Michael Jackson," man. That's funny, Gangstalicious. So who you think it was that tried to a**a**inate you? Was it Eat Dirt? GANGSTALICIOUS: Naw, naw, it wasn't Eat Dirt. It was these dudes I used to owe money to back when I was in the drug game. RILEY: Wow, that's so real. The drug game. GANGSTALICIOUS: Word. That's real spit. Dunny-dun-dun-dun. That's why I tell kids like you, the drug game is cool, you know, but in some ways, it's not cool. But... But mostly it's cool. RILEY: Well, I know getting shot must be cool. You think they gonna come back? GANGSTALICIOUS: Hell to the nizz-naw. After I got shot, I was like, God is watchin' over me, you know? It's like that n***a from Pulp Fiction said. God got involved. God is gangsta, n***a. See, anybody wanna come get me, they gotta go through God. I don't fear no man but God. You know what I'm saying? Beside, ain't nobody gonna come up here to get us. Cops everywhere. RILEY: I didn't see no cops. GANGSTALICIOUS: Hm... There There ain't no cops out there? RILEY: No. GANGSTALICIOUS: Not even hospital security or nothing? RILEY: Nothing. Not that I saw. GANGSTALICIOUS: You sure? They said they was gonna stay till I was, you know... Till I left. I mean, not that I want them there 'cause I don't, know what I'm sayin'? I'd probably shoot 'em or something if they was there. But they just supposed to be there, so I wish they... Are they there? Could you check? RILEY: I'll check again. GANGSTALICIOUS: Yeah, yeah, you do that. [Lincoln walks inside the hospital with two other gang members] LINCOLN: We're lookin' for Gangstalicious. We're well-wishers. [Granddad and Huey are watching TV at home] TV MUSIC: I got that thuggin' luv... GRANDDAD: What's the big deal about... What's his name? Bubblicious? HUEY: It's Gangstalicious. Dumb n***as love Gangstalicious the way fat women love Oprah, Granddad. TV MUSIC: Oh, I I got that thuggin' luv... GRANDDAD: What the hell is "Thuggin' Luv"? Who would want "Thuggin' Luv"? Is that when you make love to your woman, then right before that special moment, you beat her upside the head, snatch her purse, and throw her down the stairs? *takes a look at his wristwatch* Where the hell is that boy? *grabs the phone and calls Riley* RILEY: *sees Lincoln and the other two gang members at the hospital and immediately hides away* Ooh! *his phone rings and Lincoln starts staring at Riley* Gah! *picks it up* What? GRANDDAD: Where's my goddamn orange juice, boy? You hear me? What you doin', growin' the oranges? RILEY: Uh, the bike got a flat, Granddad. But everything's cool. I'm walkin' to the store. MALE NURSE: My God, that's a big phone. I am a collector of incredibly large antique electronics. Can I buy that from you? RILEY: Go away! MALE NURSE: It's so big! I'll give you 50 bucks for it. GRANDDAD: Get the beans anyway. And bring me a can of that spray. NURSE: Okay, okay, 70. LINCOLN: Hey. Hey, little homey. GRANDDAD: Gotta have my eggs with my OJ. RILEY: Uh. Uh, uh. LINCOLN: Yo. Hold up, little man. *him and his companion start running after Riley* RILEY: *on the phone* All right, all right. Bye. NURSE: *runs after Riley too* One hundred ten dollars. It's enormous! LINCOLN: *to the nurse* Move, cancer boy! Let me through! RILEY: *gets into the elevator, presses number 5, then 3* Close, close, close. [The door closes before Lincoln manages to get inside] LINCOLN: Damn. Third floor. Let's move. Come on. Come on, man. Come on, come on, come on, come on! GANGSTALICIOUS: *on the phone* I'm telling you, Bernie, the police left. Well, the label should be providin' the security! This is bullsh**! No, no, no. This is unacceptable. I just got my black a** shot here, and all you got for me is... Hello? Hello? Bernie? RILEY: *runs into Gangstalicious' room* n***as coming. LINCOLN: Come on, man, this way. [As the gangsters stop and look around, Uncle Ruckus comes around the corner, mopping the floor, oblivious to their presence.] UNCLE RUCKUS: *sings* Color folks talkin' about save me, wasn't nothin' wrong with slavery, least we got good food back then, uh-huh, uh-huh, white man sure could be your fr... [The gangsters all point their guns at Ruckus. He looks up, surprised.] UNCLE RUCKUS: Uh- Oh. LINCOLN: Where's Gangstalicious? UNCLE RUCKUS: Uh, say that again. I couldn't hear you over the sound of me sh**tin' myself. [Granddad and Huey watch the TV news] NEWSREADER: We now return to Gangstalicious: Resurrection. The judge allowed Gangstalicious' music to be introduced as evidence at his a**ault trial. They played for the jury, a track called, "Play It for the Jury." [At the courtroom, a song is being played] MUSIC: Play it for the jury, defendant and the plaintiff, court reporter and the bailiff, play it for the jury... GANGSTALICIOUS: I keep telling these people. This sh** is supposed to be just music. You know what I'm sayin' I mean, you really think about it, is it worth it. Know what I'm sayin'? I mean, somebody could get hurt. GRANDDAD: That boy don't look that tough to me. HUEY: Man, Riley should be seeing this. [Gangstalicious gets up out of his hospital bed] RILEY: Damn, n***a. You short. GANGSTALICIOUS: : Y-you don't understand. I know this guy. He is crazy. He, like, uh, got a chemical imbalance or something. RILEY: I'm just sayin', man. You look much taller in the videos. GANGSTALICIOUS: Do you hear what I am saying to you?! That n***a's a rageaholic! We're both gonna die! RILEY: Well, w-what happened to, "I don't fear no man but God"? GANGSTALICIOUS: Correction: God and the n***a that shot me. Oh, Lord, what is we gonna do. RILEY: Man, just get yourself together. You makin' me scared. GANGSTALICIOUS: Hey, hey, hey, I'm trippin', man. They got a n***a medicated and sh**. It's the paink**ers and, you know Sucrets and sh**. I'm cool, I'm cool. [Gangstalicious and Riley walk through the hospital trying to hide from the gang crew, but Uncle Ruckus notices them] UNCLE RUCKUS: There they are! Right over there. LINCOLN: Thanks. Now, go change your pants. [Lincoln takes his gun out and starts shooting at Gangstalicious and Riley. The two of them start running and Lincoln and his mates run after them.] GANGSTALICIOUS: We're gonna die! Run, n***a! Oh, Lord. Sweet Jesus. I'm gonna die! RILEY: Where's your gun? GANGSTALICIOUS: Oh, yeah, yeah. Y'all n***as is in for it now. *takes out his gun, shoots feebly three times, then drops the gun and runs* Oh! Oh! Oh! [Cut to parking lot] RILEY: We need a car. We're gonna have to jack someone. Where's your gun? GANGSTALICIOUS: I dropped the gun. RILEY: You dropped the gun? GANGSTALICIOUS: What's done is done. Let's be solution-oriented. You mad? RILEY: How you go and drop the gun, Gangstalicious?That is not gangsta. That's very not gangsta! Man, I can't believe this. You a fraud! GANGSTALICIOUS: : Oh, oh, I'm a fraud? You're scared too. RILEY: I'm 8! GANGSTALICIOUS: Okay, fine, fine, whatever. I'm a fraud, I'm a fraud. I'm just an average, normal dude. I don't wanna do this stupid sh** no more. I'm tired of gettin' shot. Help. RILEY: It's like goin' to heaven and finding God smokin' crack. RANDOM GUY: Holy sh**! I can't believe it's you. Dude, you are the sh**. "Thuggin' Luv"? What? [Gangstalicious and Riley get in this guy's car and drive away] CAR RADIO: I got that thuggin' luv... RANDOM GUY: So, uh, I'll just wait here then? CAR RADIO: I got that thuggin' luv... [Gangstalicious and Riley drive trying to escape from Lincoln and his crew who are driving after them] GANGSTALICIOUS: Where we gonna go? RILEY: To the airport. You got your jet there, right? GANGSTALICIOUS: What jet? RILEY: The G4. The one in the "b**h, I'm Fly" video. GANGSTALICIOUS: We rented that jet. RILEY: Oh, unbelievable, man! You broke too? [Lincoln and his crew start shooting at the car Gangstalicious and Riley are in.] RILEY: Ah! Man, I wanna go home! Man, I should've listened to my Granddad. You gonna get us k**ed! GANGSTALICIOUS: : Put your seat belt on. It's the law, and it's a good idea. RILEY: Man, just go faster. GANGSTALICIOUS: Traffic! Whoa! *drives into a pile of cars waiting on the traffic* RILEY: Ow! GANGSTALICIOUS: I told you put your seat belt on, but no, little n***as gotta do their thing. LINCOLN: I got this n***a now. Slow down, n***a! [Lincoln and the two other gang members get out of their car] LINCOLN: Yo, yo, yo! What's up now, n***as? Open the door. GANGSTALICIOUS: *shuts the car window* Mm-mm. LINCOLN: Open... Hey, open the door. n***a, if you don't open this door... GANGSTALICIOUS: Mm-mm. [Lincoln puts Gangstalicious and Riley in the trunk of his car.] LINCOLN GANG MEMBER: I told you this n***a was crazy. GANGSTALICIOUS: Know who my favorite rapper was when I was your age? Ice Cube. RILEY: The dude that makes family movies? He was a gangsta rapper? GANGSTALICIOUS: He was so gangsta, I used have to have dreams that Ice Cube came to my house and k**ed my whole family. And for some reason, I thought he was so cool, and I wanted to be him. When I started to act like that, like a k**er, people liked me. Girls, you know, whatever. But I really wasn't that person, and finally, it caught up with me. I'm sorry you got caught in the middle. [A scene of Ganstalicious being laced up and his pants are taken off, while Lincoln gets ready to k** him] GANGSTALICIOUS: Please, Lincoln, you are taking this sh** too far. This tape is itchy. LINCOLN: Should've thought of that before you did what you did, Frederick. RILEY: Look, guys, don't k** him. Whatever he did, he ain't do nothin' to deserve this, man. LINCOLN: This is about things you're too young to understand, little man. This is about thuggin' luv. I loved you, man. RILEY: What? LINCOLN: You broke my heart, man. RILEY: What? What the...? [Lincoln kisses Gangstalicious on his lips] BACKGROUND MUSIC: I got that thuggin' luv, I got that thuggin' luv... RILEY: Oh! Ugh! Oh, man, these n***as are still kissin'. LINCOLN: Yeah. Mmm. RILEY: Oh, they bustin' slob. Oh, man! I can't take it. [Lincoln covers Gangstalicious' eyes with a scarf] GANGSTALICIOUS: I was on tour. You gotta understand, I was lonely! Oh, God. LINCOLN: Turn around, n***a! Walk forward, n***a. We could've had a life together, man. [Gangstalicious walks forward while Lincoln and the two other guys fire at him multiple times. Riley cries. Then after some time, they stop shooting.] GANGSTALICIOUS: Huh? Hm? LINCOLN: sh**, we missed. GANG MEMBER: I can't believe this, man. We s**. [Gangstalicious starts running away] LINCOLN: Hey, get back here! GANG MEMBER: ¡Aye, maricón! LINCOLN: Come on, man. Do you see him? GANG MEMBER: I can't see anything, man. LINCOLN: Yo! Where you at? Come out from where you at. [Riley swoons] [Riley is now at home, telling his story to Huey] GRANDDAD: I can't believe that damn boy... RILEY: And then they threw us in the trunk, and... And then they was about to execute Gangstalicious. GRANDDAD: ... Away from the house and don't come back with no orange juice... RILEY: And that's when one of them dudes knocked me upside my head, right? And I was havin', like, crazy dreams, like Gangstalicious was kissin' the other dude. Some old craziness, man. Anyway, when I came to, they was gone, and I came home. GRANDDAD: ... What are these kids doin' today? HUEY: And you really shot one of them dudes at the hospital? RILEY: Oh, hell yeah. See, Gangstalicious dropped his gun, right? And I picked it up, and I was like: Ka-plow! Ka-plow! It was like some old John Woo sh**. GRANDDAD: ... Let me take my medication. I need to take my medication... RILEY: Then Gangstalicious started cryin' and sh**, and I'm like, "Quit cryin', you little b**h!" You should've seen me. I was so gangsta! GRANDDAD: What the heck is goin' on around here?