Robert Carlock - Kimmy Kidnaps Gretchen! lyrics

[Scene starts with Lillian on the street, siphoning gas from a street-parked car, Mikey approaches] MIKEY: Excuse me, ma'am? LILLIAN: (caught off guard) Wha... MIKEY: I'm looking for Titus Andromedon. LILLIAN: Oh, yeah? What do you want with him? You Italian? MIKEY: Um, yeah. He and I have some personal business to attend to. LILLIAN: No, if this is about what he did in that Sbarro bathroom, I understand the Sbarro family must feel deeply disrespected, but there's no need for a revenge k**ing. MIKEY: No, no, no, it's just a date. We're going on a date tonight. It's my first gay date, lady. LILLIAN: Well, what do you know? Lillian Kaushtupper. Landlord, Aquarius, cat collector. (shakes hands) MIKEY: Mikey Politano. Uh, construction worker, Mets fan, bad at lists. LILLIAN: Yeah. Let's go surprise Titus. CUTTO: Titus and Kimmy's apartment where Kimmy is helping Titus get ready for his date, Titus is wearing some type of facial mask as Lillian and Mikey stare TITUS: No! Lillian, you cannot bring gentlemen callers in four hours early. I am not yet a bu*terfly. I'm just cocoon goo. (ducks behind counter so Mikey can't see him) LILLIAN: Eh, it's always cocoon goo with you. KIMMY: Hey, I know you. Remember? I was walking by your construction site, and you said you wanted to be my jeans. So what happened? Did you ever get to be jeans? TITUS: Kim-estic worker, please grab me a towel out of the dryer. Kimmy goes to get towels from the oven and the oven door comes clean off its hinges KIMMY: Dang it! Now where are we gonna store this oven door? In the oven. MIKEY: Hang on. I can, uh, fix that for you. (pulls out a handy tool and goes over to the broken oven) LILLIAN: Ooh, la-di-da. A functioning oven. Next thing you know, this tugboat I mean building. This is a normal apartment building, everybody. MIKEY: (gets up after fixing the oven door) Look, I'm sorry to bug you, but I just got a couple questions about tonight. Like, how late do you think we're gonna be out? TITUS: Midnight, eastern gay time, which is 3:00 A.M. MIKEY: And if we go to a gay bar, can I get a beer? And which one of us opens doors for the other? Or are there no doors? Do we not use doors? TITUS: Whoo. You got to make like a 30-year-old single girl and settle. MIKEY: Can you help me pick out an outfit? TITUS: First of all, outfits normally pick you. (goes over to Mikey's duffle bag and starts rummaging through his clothes) Basic (throws clothing item away). Basic (throws clothing item away). Bah-sic (looks at Patriots T-shirt and then throws it away). MIKEY: How does a Patriots shirt not work? Those guys are so freaking gay! TITUS: You need my Ex-Box. (goes and comes back with a box of clothing) This is where I keep all the junk that was left here by heartbroken exes, part-time lovers, Amish boys on Rumspringa, and So Ahn, a contortionist with the Korean national circus. Now, which incarnation of Madonna do you most identify with? There are wrong answers. CUTTO: Mikey now has on a very colorful outfit TITUS: Okay, turn around. Now walk a little for me.(leads him to the door) Mm-hmm. And I'll see you tonight. MIKEY: Hey, thanks for all the help.(Titus closes the door in his face) TITUS: Pardon my French, but le foop. I knew Mikey was new, but that boy's a baby. This is going to be like Beethoven making love to a baby. LILLIAN: Ah, come on. He has a real job, and he's got a picture of his mom in his wallet. (pulls out Mikey's wallet which he seems to have forgotten) KIMMY: Ooh. Now, that's what I call a MILF. TITUS: Don't tell us what you think it stands for. KIMMY: My Interesting Lady Friend! TITUS: We already know it's wrong! LILLIAN: I'm just saying, the boys you usually go out with, they got things like (rummages through the "Ex-Box")Oh, a loyalty card for genital piercing. TITUS: And your boyfriends are so great, Lillian. What's-his-name threw a hammer at me. His name is Robert Durst, and he only did that 'cause he likes you. Titus exits, taking his "Ex-Box" with him, Lillian exits as well while Kimmy's cell-phone rings KIMMY: Ooh. Hi, Cyndee. CUTTO: A back and forth conversation between Cyndee and Kimmy CYNDEE: Hiya, Kimmy. It's Cyndee Pokorny. We put a madman in jail together? KIMMY: Yes, Cyndee, I remember you. CYNDEE: Okay, I just electronic-mailed you a video that you've got to watch right away. It's real important. KIMMY: I'll call you from the library. CUTTO: Kimmy is at the library on a computer while still on the phone with Cyndee KIMMY: Okay, Cyndee, I'm on the World Wide Web. I see your electronic mail. CYNDEE: Good, but watch out for p**ns. KIMMY: Time to surf.(clicks on a link, video cues) VIDEO NARRATOR: Welcome to Innerwaves, the only cruise ship owned and operated by the Church of Cosmetology. The Great Founder took the lessons he learned as a Studio City cosmetologist and divined a power so explosive, he freaked out in the makeup room at Simon & Simon. KIMMY: Cyndee, what the heck is this? CYNDEE: Just wait. You're so impatient. I remember you wanted to get out of the bunker, like, three days after you were kidnapped. CUTTO: Video again, where a series of poorly edited magic tricks are performed and eventually, it's revealed that Gretchen is a member of the church VIDEO NARRATOR: Today thousands of spiritual voyagers have learned the secrets of Cosmetology, secrets too cool to be understood by your family, who are actually lizard people or lotion people. The napkin the Founder wrote this part on got wet. Now Innerwaves sets sail for the lawless safety of international waters and enlightenment. GRETCHEN: Without the founder, I'd be lost. KIMMY: Jeepers H. Christmas! Gretchen? What the heck? GRETCHEN: Thanks to Cosmetology, my life has purpose, my eyebrows have definition, and I can control things with my mind.(makes mind control gestures and controls her own arm with her mind) KIMMY: How could she do this? CYNDEE: Keep watching. There's a cat on the boat who's friends with a bunny. That's why I'm calling. KIMMY: No. Fifteen years in that bunker, and this is what she's gonna do with her life? Follow some other lunatic? CYNDEE: Well, what can you do about it? VIDEO NARRATOR: Innerwaves departs from the Manhattan Cruise Terminal in just 24 hours, right on time for the Founder's 800th birthday. KIMMY: I can stop her before she leaves. VIDEO NARRATOR: (as Kimmy leaves the libraryHappy birthday, Founder. Kimmy hears a meow and comes back to look at her computer KIMMY: (singing a tune) Bunny and Kitty being best friends Together forever, the fun never ends Solving mysteries one hug at a time Bunny and Kitty, two of a kind (watches the bunny and kitty licking one another and then leaves) [Theme Song] CUTTO: Titus leaving his apartment, running into Lillian who seems to have successfully siphoned gasoline into a tank TITUS: Oh, Lillian, later tonight, after Mikey and I "choose to be gay" a couple of times, I'm gonna need your help kicking him out. Just run into my bedroom and say...I don't know Billy Joel's outside. LILLIAN: Come on. You're already figuring out how to get rid of him? TITUS: You know how I roll. And I'm not talking about the time I fell into a trash can on top of a hill. LILLIAN: Well, I don't want to do your dirty work, Titus. I like Mikey. TITUS: Who cares if you like Mikey? I'm the one who'd have to Queer Eye that bridge-and-tunnel tadpole. I can't take on a project like that. I'm just one man. That show had five guys. Speaking of Five Guys, I want a hamburger. LILLIAN: But, Titus TITUS: No buts yet. (Titus exits) Thanking you. See you in the morning. CUTTO: The pier, a bus pulls up and a bunch of people wearing the same colored uniforms exit, Gretchen is among those who exit the bus, grinning widely. She sees two signs, one labeled "Innerwaves Registration" and one labeled "Gretchen Check-In", written in what appears to be crayon GRETCHEN: You're the boss, sign. (continues following signs until she's in an area with nothing but a few port-a-potties) Hello? Kimmy jumps out of a port-a-potty and jumps on Gretchen's back KIMMY: Intervention! GRETCHEN: Kimmy? What are you doing? KIMMY: I'm kidnapping you! And now I get why the reverend had a van. (Gretchen slams her back against the port-a-potty, trying to get Kimmy to let go, but she doesn't)Ah! GRETCHEN: Your legs are so strong. KIMMY: I have access to steps now. And your breath is much better. GRETCHEN: Thank you. My new toothbrush is only for teeth! (Gretchen attempts to get Kimmy to let go again by slamming her against a port-a-potty but it doesn't work) CUTTO: Kimmy's apartment where it seems Kimmy is scrubbing Gretchen's face GRETCHEN: You can get off me, Kimmy. The boat's halfway to Mercury by now. KIMMY: What happened to you after the trial? I thought you were free at last, like a second cheese pizza on Martin Luther King Day. GRETCHEN: Well, after the trial, first I got a job at the Apple Store. KIMMY: You know who loves that place? Horses. GRETCHEN: Oh, no, not the Durnsville Apple Store. The computer one in Indianapolis. It was wonderful. It was white and clean, and we all dressed the same. KIMMY: Sounds like your brand of strawberry jam. GRETCHEN: Oh, definitely. Every day, we would meet in a giant gla** cube, and I gave the geniuses all my money in exchange for this magic watch (shows Kimmy her Apple watch). And then they excommunicated me for eating Sheryl's yogurt, and that's when I found Cosmetology. KIMMY: But you don't need Cosmetology or Apple and all their cool products. GRETCHEN: I have an app that makes me sound like different celebrities. (uses app on Apple watch, it returns the same voice clip with the voice of Steve Buscemi) I have an app that makes me sound like different celebrities. That's Steve "Buskumeye" KIMMY: I know, down in the bunker, we weren't friends. But I care about you. After what we went through, the four of us are sisters. GRETCHEN: The four of us, Kimmy? What about Lil' Lisa? KIMMY: Are you serious? Gretchen, Lil' Lisa was just the reverend dressed like a girl trying to find out what we were saying behind his back. GRETCHEN: No, her voice was way higher. KIMMY: The reverend was a psycho liar who claimed he came up with the "buy the world a Coke" commercial. You know he wasted half your life, right? GRETCHEN: He was a false prophet. I'd like to cut off his bu*t and make him eat it and then ask him how he plans to poop it. But the Founder... KIMMY: Nope, he's the same. Gretchen, if you need to believe in something, believe in yourself. Believe that no one else can tell you what to do, because we're strong, independent women. APPLE WATCH: We're strong, independent women. KIMMY: And I'll prove it to you. We're gonna have a Choose Your Own Adventure. You pick everything we do, exactly like the books. And if we die, we just go back to the entrance of the Mayan temple. I'm gonna fix you, Gretchen Chalker. CUTTO: The line in front of a bar, Titus and Mikey are waiting BOUNCER: Come on up, Jay. A couple of men cut in front of Titus and Mikey to get into the club MIKEY: This is a total sausage fest. TITUS: Please don't say that. I never eat on dates, and now I'm thinking about sausage and Total cereal. MIKEY: Sorry. I've been reading up on the lifestyle, all the gay types, Bears, cubs, wolves, chicken hawks. TITUS: I'm a flamingo because I'm delicate, colorful, and I often stand on one leg due to a plantar's wart. MIKEY: Well, I think I might be a otter, which got me pretty interested in otters as a species. Did you know they use rocks as tools? TITUS: (awkward pause) This line is unacceptable. We need to flirt with the bouncer. MIKEY: Oh, yeah, I can do that. I'm in construction. (directed at the bouncer) Hey, princess! Are you a high chair? 'Cause I want to put a baby in you! Titus cuts in front of a bunch of people in line to talk to the bouncer and Mikey follows TITUS:: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Bounceria, you let me in last time. BOUNCER: Because you were with that pretty little twink. TITUS: And tonight, I'm with Michael. If you let us in, he'll fix the trapeze, and we all want the trapeze back. BOUNCHER: Make him dance. MIKEY: (poorly dances and sings) Hearts on fire Don't put this fire out We want this fire to continue CUTTO: Gretchen and Kimmy walking down the street. Gretchen has a bag in her hand. KIMMY: You're choosing your own adventure, Gretchen. You're in charge. You bought a snorkel at a dollar store, which great! And now we're...(pauses when she sees that Gretchen has led her back to the pier, Gretchen puts on the snorkel) Dang it! You can't swim to the boat. GRETCHEN: That's exactly what a lizard or lotion person would say. KIMMY: No. We have to do something you want to do. A car blasting rap music pa**es by CAR: Put 'em on the gla** GRETCHEN: Yes! I heed your bidding! (runs towards car and begins to take her shirt off, Kimmy stops her) CAR: Put 'em on the gla** KIMMY: Not something some man told you to do. No, don't put them on the gla**! CAR: Put 'em on the gla** KIMMY: Just say the first thing that pops into your head, Gretchen. Don't think! What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? GRETCHEN: Ice cream! I want ice cream! CUTTO: Kimmy and Gretchen walking away from an ice cream truck, Gretchen has six ice cream cones that she's slowly licking at KIMMY: All right, you got ice cream. Six cones is a lot, and strawberry sauce on coffee doesn't make a ton of sense, but the important thing is, you made a decision. Now what? Gretchen stares at a sketchy van with a sign in front that says "Free Pit Bulls", Kimmy and Gretchen then continue to walk down the street, now with a new pitbull KIMMY: Okay. Wow, see? Did the Founder tell you to get a dog that once lived in a drug dealer's house? No, he didn't. That's your decision, and I support you. (Gretchen eyes a police officer's gun) Gretchen, what are you... CUTTO: Kimmy and Gretchen are fleeing the police, Gretchen now has ice cream, a gun, and a pitbull, sirens sound in the background GRETCHEN: Ha-ha, lost 'em. KIMMY: Again, your decision. All you. GRETCHEN: Hey, what's nose candy? KIMMY: Oh, that sounds harmless. Let's ask around. CUTTO: An Elmo impersonator with white powder on its nose with Cookie Monster in the background holding the gun and the pitbull, Gretchen is incredibly hyper, Kimmy seems concerned KIMMY: Did I just watch you do d** with a junkyard Elmo? GRETCHEN: I don't know, but I got a ton of ideas. Let's go to Red Hook with these morpets and get pregnant. KIMMY: That's it. I'm re-kidnapping you! GRETCHEN: As if. I'm pretty sure I'm awesome at fighting now. Punch, punch, kick, punch, punch, punch. (pretends to punch and kick) (jumps on Gretchen's back again) KIMMY: Oh, no! Come on! Are you kidding? CUTTO: Mikey and Titus getting rejected from yet another club, they walk off to the side to a food truck MIKEY: It's midnight, and we still haven't gotten in anywhere. I thought the hard part of being gay was gonna be figuring out scarves. TITUS: Should we make like Queen Elizabeth and dub this a night? MIKEY: Hang on, Titus. I got to eat. (directed at the food truck owner) Hey, can I get fries and a chicken shawarma pita? (directed at Titus) You want anything? TITUS: I will not be tricked into eating on a date. This is not my first rodeo. FOOD TRUCK OWNER: Hey, hey, this is not meat from rodeo. There's an awkward pause MIKEY: Hey, sorry I cramped your style tonight. This whole scene is maybe too much for me. There are other kinds of being gay, though, right? I mean, I always pictured, like, wearing sweaters a lot and cooking together and having a big, shaggy dog, and the whole place is just covered in fur. It's all just fur and sweaters and hair and fur and hair. TITUS: That sounds boring. MIKEY: Compared to your life, sure, but I'm not fancy like that. I just...Hey, did you ever see The Lion King? TITUS: I moved to New York City because of The Lion King. MIKEY: Dude, that is my favorite movie, play, T-shirt, and sleeping bag ever. I mean, Timon and Pumbaa? When I first saw those guys, I was like, "I'm seeing something special here." Those two little furry dudes caring for one another, singing songs, farting without judgment. They didn't fit in with all the other meerkats and warthogs, but they fit in with each other. TITUS: And they adopted that Simba from Africa. MIKEY: Forget bears and otters. We should all be meerkats and warthogs. And you, my friend? Cla**ic meerkat. TITUS: I am sleek and graceful. And I once went to a Halloween party dressed as Nathan Lane Bryant. It was moderately well received. MIKEY: Dude, try this. You like spicy? (Titus takes a bite of the food, Titus enjoys it until he accidentally sneezes it onto Mikey, Mikey begins to laugh and soon Titus joins) Don't sneeze. Don't TITUS: I'm so sorry. CUTTO: Kimmy sleeping on top of Gretchen who is pa**ed out, Kimmy wakes up, Lillian enters LILLIAN: Morning, honkey. Hey, is Titus up yet? I was supposed to help him kick Mikey out hours ago, but I gave 'em a little extra time, and I sprinkled rose petals on the bed. Actually, it's barbecue potato chips. I just had a feeling those two would click, you know, like all my joints. (cracks her joints) Ah. KIMMY: Lillian, do people change, or are we just who we are forever? LILLIAN: Whoa. That is exactly what I've been thinking about with Titus. I am telling you, Red. You and me, same brain. Hey, on the count of three, let's both say what we're thinking. One, two, three. Whitefish! KIMMY: Four! CUTTO: Lillian enters Titus's room, Titus wakes up LILLIAN: Hey, where's Mikey? Did he die at the club? When is de Blasio gonna put an end to these senseless shorty fires burning on the dance floor? TITUS: No. I decided not to sleep with him. It's all very confusing, like that show Bunny and Kitty. One's a cop, the other's FBI. How are they friends? LILLIAN: I heard your door open at 2:00 in the morning. You did something. TITUS: Barely. We just talked about movies and got food. LILLIAN: You ate in front of him? TITUS: I feezed on him, Lillian. That's a food sneeze. But he laughed, and it was a nice laugh, not like that time Andy Cohen laughed at me. LILLIAN: I knew this one was different. He's not like those guys in your stupid box. No, he's exactly like those guys, because I've decided never to see him again. And he didn't even spend the night. At least these men had the honor of having their hearts broken by Flidian Garoo, a fake name I use. LILLIAN: Liar! I've watched the parade of men in and out of your door for ten years. TITUS: Well, you should thank me. Most people pay good money for parades. LILLIAN: And the boys who left this crap behind weren't heartbroken. They didn't come back for their stuff 'cause they couldn't care less. And you pick up these silly boys because you don't want 'em to come back. TITUS: You think you know everything 'cause you got bit by a roach that crawled out of a dictionary. Well, guess what. I wanted them all to come back. All of them! They just never did, and they left behind some really important stuff. (begins to rummage through the box) A Dutch pa**port. Insulin. This (pulls out a prosthetic arm). But if it's only one night, at least I can tell myself they didn't really know me. But what if a guy does take the time to know me and he still leaves? Why, Mikey? Why would you leave me to raise our lion cub alone? (goes to hide under his sheets) LILLIAN: Titus you can't hide in there forever. TITUS: I think I could. There's quite a bit of food under here. Titus's phone starts vibrating, the caller ID says that the call is from Mikey LILLIAN: It's him. It's Mikey. TITUS: (pokes head out from sheets) Mikey who? That kid from the cereal commercial? He died of Pop Rocks. LILLIAN: Answer the phone, Titus. LILLAN: (answers phone) Hey, Mikey. Lillian. MIKEY: Oh, hey, Lillian. LILLIAN: Would you like to come over for leckfast? It's breakfast and lunch combined. I hate brunch. (Titus wrestles the phone away from Lillian)Wha oh! TITUS: Don't ever call me again. MIKEY: Wait, what? No, man, it's Mikey. TITUS: I was with four Mikeys last night. Be more specific. MIKEY: Politano. Lion King Mikey. TITUS: That's what I thought. Lose my number. Click. Dial tone. Titus hangs up the phone, Mikey is left on the other end confused and sad. Lillian storms off upset, but not before taking the prosthetic arm and hitting Titus's "Ex-Box" with it, knocking its contents over CUTTO: Kimmy outside of her apartment, writing with a notebook, Gretchen enters KIMMY: I'd say good morning, sleepyhead, but...(Gretchen turns around and reveals a tattoo of a lion on her chest) Oh, cracker on a cracker! When did you get a tattoo? I didn't let you out of my sight! GRETCHEN: Remember when we stopped at the bus station to use the bathroom? KIMMY: I thought you were in there a long time. But you had just eaten a bunch of bodega oysters. GRETCHEN: And now it's a new day for the new me. I saw this in the paper. (pulls out a newspaper) I thought we could give it a go. KIMMY: "Body Found in Wheel Well At JFK"? GRETCHEN: When in Rome. KIMMY: Maybe I was wrong, Gretchen, about you being the boss of you. Wow, rude. Lil' Lisa was right about you. KIMMY: Oh, my gosh. How'd you even survive before the bunker, with no one telling you what to do? GRETCHEN: Well, I didn't have to. Before the bunker, I had Coach Sergei. CUTTO: Flashback of a Gymnastics competition, a mean coach is instructing a young Gretchen on a series of complicated flips and tricks COACH SERGEI: Pepsi Cola flip. Yes, Gretchen. And now Little Caesar's "pizza pizza pizza" side aerial. Good, and rock and roll Elvis dismount! Now never have period, huh? GRETCHEN: But then I hit a growth spurt. CUTTO: Flashback of Gymnastics competition, this time, Gretchen is much older and taller than the other girls. She attempts to perform a trick but fails and falls GRETCHEN: Oh, God! No! COACH SERGEI: Get out, woman! Go make babies! CUTTO: Present time KIMMY: So you've never made your own choices? Ever? I know I told you to choose your own adventure, but you can't. GRETCHEN: I need to go back to Cosmetology. I'll just hitchhike to Mesa, Arizona, and find the Founder at the comedy club he manages. I might as well start giving away my earthly possessions now. (hands Kimmy her Apple Watch) KIMMY: I'm sorry, Gretchen. GRETCHEN: No. There are those of us who lead and those who follow. The sheeps must follow the sheep captain, and the sheep captain must protect the sheeps and keep them from using their dumb sheep brain and also sell their hair. KIMMY: Go on. (starts recording Gretchen with the Apple Watch) GRETCHEN: There are many animals in the barnyard, but only the sheeps know that they know nothing. Thus, they are called sheeps. CUTTO: Mikey's construction site, Lillian enters LILLIAN: Mike! Listen, we need to talk about Titus. I mean, I know he hurt you. MIKEY: What? Men can't hurt me. Only chicks can. Cheryl Tiegs, yo. LILLIAN: I misspoke. I know I hurt you. I didn't mean what I said to you on the phone. MIKEY: Look, Lillian, last night, I felt like me and you had this, like, chemical attraction. CONSTRUCTION WORKER: There you go. (bumps into Mikey who then pulls Lillian to the side) MIKEY: But Titus is my first time going off-road, if you know what I mean. I think he might be a little complicated for me right now. LILLIAN: I know, right now, he's cocoon goo, but someone like you could make him a bu*terfly. MIKEY: I'm sorry, Lillian, but I got my own stuff to deal with. LILLIAN: Bye, Mikey. MIKEY: Let me just get one last taste of that hot a**. (grabs Mikey's bu*t before leaving) CUTTO: Gretchen talking to a few guys leaning against a car, Kimmy runs in GRETCHEN: Anyway, it turned out Kimmy was wrong. I can't make my own decisions, so I'm going to Arizona to meet the Founder. And to you gentlemen, I give my final earthly possession. KIMMY: Gretchen, wait! Don't give them your shirt. GUY: Oh, man. (they exit) KIMMY: You're not going back to Cosmetology. GRETCHEN: But I can't live in the real world. KIMMY: I know, but I found a different cult, one that's perfect for you. Just listen to their leader talk (pulls out a ca**ette player) GRETCHEN: Shut up and let me hear the leader. CASSETTE PLAYER: The sheeps must follow. GRETCHEN: Is that the sheep captain? CASSETTE PLAYER: Only the sheeps know they know nothing. Dumb sheeps. Dumb. GRETCHEN: I'm so dumb, O Captain. Two plus two is nine. The Earth is round. He's a genius. KIMMY: "He," Gretchen? That was you. I recorded you earlier (shows Apple Watch). Then I apped and made your voice Frasier. Then I used this little bad boy (shows the ca**ette player) and his record bu*ton to edit it. Look, I get that you need a cult, but why can't it be your cult? GRETCHEN: You want me to start my own church? No, I can't do that. KIMMY: Are you kidding? When you believe in something, no matter how dumb, I've seen you do the impossible. CUTTO: Flashback to the bunker, Gretchen addresses the rest of the girls GRETCHEN: As we all know, Lil' Lisa died last night from, I'm told, an exploded b**by. But through her faith, she was taken up to girl heaven, which is pink and stupid. Our faith will save us, sisters. If we believe, there is nothing we cannot do. (puts her hand onto an incredibly hot water heater, sizzles) KIMMY: Holy sugar! DONNA: Get your hand off, you idiot! (sees that she's been speaking English and switches back to Spanish) Ay! She's crazy! Spanish-Spanish-Spanish! Right?! GRETCHEN: Praise Jeepers! CUTTO: Present time KIMMY: I tried to make you the person I wanted you to be, but that's not you. And that's okay. The real you is full of crazy nonsense. GRETCHEN: Mount Rushmore just grew like that. KIMMY: Yes, exactly. We're different people. You can't move on from the bunker like I ha (belches) Ugh. So you're gonna move on in your own way by starting a cult. GRETCHEN: (hugs Kimmy) You're gonna go to hell so bad. KIMMY: I know, Gretchen. I know. CUTTO: Kimmy's apartment, Kimmy is reading while Titus enters wearing a blanket over his head KIMMY: Titus, take that off. TITUS: No. 'Cause I know this blanket would never hurt me. (Titus trips and hits the counter) Ow! I hate you, blanket. There's a knock on the door MIKEY: Anybody home? KIMMY: Is that Mikey? MIKEY: Hello? TITUS: (completely takes off blanket) What is he doing here? He can't see me looking unfabulous. KIMMY: Why do you care? You said he's boring. TITUS: I don't care, obviously. I care. Shut up. Just help me make my life look legendary. Since when do you question me? MIKEY: (continues knocking) Hello? TITUS: (opens door, laughing talking to someone who very well may not be there)Oh. You are bad. Oh, hello, Michael. I'm actually in the middle of something. KIMMY: (impersonating a man) Get in here, Titus! My bu*t's getting cold! MIKEY: Oh. Well, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I think I left my Multi-Tool here when I fixed your oven-dryer. I just want to get it back. KIMMY: (still impersonating a man) I've got a mustache! MIKEY: I'll just grab it and get out of your hair. (spots it and goes to get his tool) TITUS: You came back. No one comes back. MIKEY: Yeah, well, maybe you've been dating bad guys, Titus. I'm actually a good guy. TITUS: So you'd never hurt me? MIKEY: What? I can't say that. You know I'm all about hakuna matata, but all I can promise is that it'd be different from whatever that is. KIMMY: (still impersonating a man) We met on a bus! TITUS: I don't know why Kimmy is doing that. KIMMY: (still impersonating man) Let's make a baby! TITUS: But you're saying if I gave you a second chance MIKEY: If you gave me a second chance? Man, you are ridiculous. TITUS: Thank you. MIKEY: Titus, I'm the one who'd have to Property Brothers this gut job. You need foundation work, rewiring. I bet you have termites. And I can't take on a project like that unless you're willing to (Titus kisses Mikey) Wow. I mean, I kissed boys before, you know, at football camp, Boy Scouts, at Equinox, but that stuff wasn't really gay. Wait a minute. That was all gay. Titus and Mikey kiss again while Kimmy watches through a peephole in Titus's door, giggling KIMMY: Aww. It's two boys. TITUS: I'm just glad you left your little foldy knife here. MIKEY: Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I swear I used it this morning. LILLIAN: (from outside) Who cares how it got here? It's here! You kissed! Now go buy a pair of French bulldogs already! CUTTO: A bus station where Gretchen is leading people wearing the same outfits onto a bus GRETCHEN: Sheeps, board the airplane. (Gretchen gets on and the bus leaves) CUTTO: A graphic of the show "Bunny and Kitty". The bunny and kitty are then playing NARRATOR: Up next on Bunny and Kitty BUNNY: What are you doing here? This is my crime scene. KITTY: He crossed state lines with the body. This is federal now. BUNNY: You try to go in that house, and I'm gonna arrest you for interfering with an ongoing investigation. KITTY: If I have to go over your head, I'll call Washington. BUNNY: My tummy likes carrots. NARRATOR: Bunny and Kitty is rated TV-MA.