Raphael Bob-Waksberg - BoJack Hates the Troops (Script) lyrics

In Progress INT. BAR BOJACK is sitting at the bar counter. BARTENDER: Say when. BOJACK's cup overflows. BOJACK: When. A girl sitting in the back of the bar is talking on the phone. GIRL: Yeah, you'll never guess who's here. Think 90s. No, Bojack Horseman from Horsin' Around. No, I mean he got a little fatter, but it's definitely him. He looks really sad. It's hilarious. (Laughs) Get over here, now! Bojack gets a call from Princess Carolyn. BOJACK: I told you I don't know where it is. Don't put things in my bu*t if you want them back. Cut to receptionist desk outside Princess Carolyn's office. Laura, the receptionist, is on the other end of the phone. LAURA: ...And hold for Princess Carolyn, please? BOJACK: Thanks, Laura. A jingle plays over the phone. JINGLE: When you're walking alone / Because Jellicles are and Jellicles do / Jellicles do and Jelli-- Cut to Princess Carolyn's office. PRINCESS CAROLYN: Bojack! It's your favorite agent. Cut to bar. BOJACK: Yeah, some agent. You couldn't even get me in the room for War Horse. There were, like, ten horses in that movie. I didn't need to be the war horse. Cut to Princess Carolyn's office. PRINCESS CAROLYN: Listen, dummy, I want to make sure you're all set for your first day with Diane tomorrow. Cut to bar. BOJACK: Is she gonna ask me a bunch of personal questions? Cut to Princess Carolyn's office. PRINCESS CAROYLN: The woman we're paying to ghostwrite your memoir? Yeah, probably. Cut to bar. BOJACK: Okay, alright, there's no need to get-- Cut to Princess Carolyn's office. PRINCESS CAROYLN: What, catty? Are you gonna say catty? Cut to bar. BOJACK: I was not gonna say catty. PRINCESS CAROYLN (V.O.): Oh, what were you gonna say? BOJACK: I was gonna say catty, because you're a cat. Cut to Princess Carolyn's office. PRINCESS CAROYLN: Goodbye, BoJack. Cut to bar. BOJACK: Laura, I know you're listening! You got it, right? Cut to receptionist desk outside Princess Carolyn's office. Princess Carolyn opens the door and pokes her head out. Laura is holding the phone to her ear. PRINCESS CAROLYN: Laura, do not respond to him. Goodbye, Bojack. Cut to bar. BoJack hangs up the phone. BOJACK: She got it. GIRL and friends are taking pictures of BoJack and laughing. BoJack downs his drink and gets up to leave. GIRL: Oh my god. Take another one. Take another one! BoJack stops at the door. Cut to GIRL and friends. BoJack walks up to them. BOJACK: Excuse me, I just wanted you to know that you ruined someone else's night tonight, and I hope you have enough decency to at least feel a little bit crappy about it. GIRL: Excuse me? BOJACK: I was actually already in a bad mood, but I thought maybe, for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself, but now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever. GIRL: If we were bothering you so much, why didn't you just leave? BOJACK: Because I didn't think of that, and now I feel stupid! GIRL: Look, I have a right to be here. BOJACK: No! One of GIRL's friends, an anthropomorphic chicken, lays an egg. BOJACK: Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things, but I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you're a horrible person, and you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person. GIRL: You think I'm pretty? Cut to BOJACK's apartment viewed from the street. BOJACK's car is improperly parked with the pa**enger door ajar. A trail of clothing leads up to the apartment door. INT. BOJACK'S BEDROOM BOJACK and GIRL are sitting up in bed. BOJACK is smoking a cigarette. BOJACK: Well, that was another in a long series of regrettable life choices. GIRL: What'd you say? I was tweeting about all the weird stuff you do in bed. TITLE SEQUENCE Cut to BOJACK's apartment from the same street view. It is now day. The scene remains otherwise unchanged. INT. BOJACK'S LIVING ROOM BOJACK walks through the living room, rubbing his face. GIRL walks up to him carrying a plate of food. GIRL: Good morning! BOJACK: Ahh! Why are you here? GIRL: I Slept here. BOJACK: Yeah, but why are you still here? GIRL waves her Toaster Strudel in the air. GIRL: Breakfast! BOJACK: That better not be my last Toaster Strudel. GIRL: No, there were three left. BOJACK: Well, get out of here. My memoirist is gonna show up soon, and I don't need you-- What's your name? GIRL: Pam. BOJACK: I don't need you Pam-ing up the place when she gets here. PAM bites her toaster strudel. BOJACK walks past her. DIANE spins around in her chair. She is eating a Toaster Strudel. DIANE: Hey, BoJack. BOJACK: Ahh! Why are you here? DIANE: You told me to come at 9:00. BOJACK: That doesn't sound like me. DIANE: I have your email right here. DIANE holds up her smartphone and reads from it. DIANE: (Clears throat) "Diane, why don't you come over Tuesday morning at 9:00? Also, you should bring this email with you because I might not remember it because I just took a bunch of horse tranquilizers, ha ha. Also, please don't put in my book that I use horse tranquilizers, ha ha. I just use a small dose to help me fall asleep at night and then a much, much larger dose to get me through the day. Also, I'm drunk. Also, I'm alone, so alone, so, so alone. Please don't put that in my book, book, book, book 'em, dil*o. Does it taste like magenta in here?" Then I think you fell asleep on the keyboard, because it just says the letter "B" 27 times. BOJACK: That does sound like me. PAM walks up behind BOJACK. DIANE stands up from her chair. BOJACK ushers her away from DIANE. BOJACK: Well, anyway, this is my businessperson... PAM: Excuse me? BOJACK: ...here to help me with some business needs. All very above board. PAM: Uh, what'd you say? BOJACK: No need to mention her in the book either, unless it's a business book. (Laughs) MR. PEANUTbu*tER comes out from behind the fridge door and closes it. MR. PEANBUTbu*tER: Ha ha, cla**ic BoJack! BOJACK: Why are you here? MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Oh, funny story! I'm filming a reality show later, so I thought I'd drop by with the old tennis ball and chain. MR. PEANUTbu*tER wraps his arm around DIANE. BOJACK: That is neither funny nor a story nor a reason for you to drop by. DIANE scratches MR. PEANUTbu*tER behind the ear. MR. PEANUTbu*tER pants. DIANE: Aw, he just wanted to come over and brag about his reality show. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Get this, I am starring in a pilot presentation for a celebrity reality show. It's pretty cutting edge, huh? BOJACK: Yeah, if it's 2003. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Ha ha, don't tell VH1 that! Seriously, though, please don't tell VH1 that. We are calling it Peanutbu*ter and Jelly. Get it? Because I'm Mr. Peanutbu*ter. BOJACK: Okay, who's Jelly? MR. PEANUTbu*tER: No, no, no, it's like a peanut bu*ter and jelly sandwich. It's wordplay. BOJACK: You may have too forgiving a definition of the word "wordplay." MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Well, it's a working title. BOJACK: Well, it could be working harder, and that's wordplay. How'd you even get in here? DIANE: Your roommate let us in. TODD's hand shoots up into the frame, holding a Toaster Strudel. TODD (O.S.): Mi casa es su casa. Cut to side view of the group. BOJACK: And that is the last of the Toaster Strudels, and now my morning is ruined. TODD: Could you guys keep it down, okay? I'm kind of on a date right now. Cut to a close-up of TODD, laying on the couch. He is wearing a suit, but no pants. TODD: (Speaking Japanese) In America, I am actually considered very handsome. Cut to close-up of TODD's computer screen. A Japanese girl is video chatting with him. She laughs. Cut to full view of the group. BOJACK: Okay, I'm gonna go get breakfast, and when I get back, I want everyone out of my house except for you and... BOJACK points at TODD. BOJACK: ...you and-- BOJACK points at DIANE, then turns to PAM and points at her. BOJACK: Who are you again? PAM: The girl you had s** with. BOJACK: Right. You definitely should have already been gone. Cut to the parking lot of J'Von's Supermarket. BOJACK swerves into a space in the parking lot. The tires screech. INT. J'VON'S SUPERMARKET Two anthropomorphic canine women are talking. POODLE WOMAN: I really shouldn't eat chocolate 'cause it can literally k** me. CORGI WOMAN: Oh, I know. POODLE WOMAN: But I love chocolate. CORGI WOMAN: Story of my life. The women laugh. BOJACK walks by behind the women. He is holding a grocery basket. Cut to close-up on BOJACK as he browses produce. He finds a box of "Muffin Man Apple Muffins." SEAL MAN (O.S.): Hey, excuse me. Cut to full view of BOJACK and SEAL MAN. SEAL MAN is standing behind BOJACK. BOJACK: Yes, I am BoJack Horseman, star of Horsin' Around. SEAL MAN: Yeah, okay, I don't care. Those are my muffins. BOJACK turns to face SEAL MAN. BOJACK: I'm sorry, I-- I don't understand. Did you bring them into the store with you? SEAL MAN: No, but I was going to buy them. That's the last box and I had dibs on them. BOJACK: Really? You had dibs? SEAL MAN: Yeah, dibs. I just put them down for a second while I went to the bathroom. BOJACK: Look, I don't even want the muffins. I was just looking at them, but I got to say, if you put muffins down, they're not your muffins. SEAL MAN: So what, I was supposed to take the muffins into the bathroom with me? BOJACK: You didn't even put the muffins in a cart. You just left them out here. SEAL MAN: Yeah, in the produce section. Clearly, muffins aren't supposed to be in the produce section. That wasn't a sign to you that maybe someone else had dibs? BOJACK: Look, I don't want to get into a whole thing here. SEAL MAN: Then give me the muffins. BOJACK: No, 'cause maybe now I want the muffins. BOJACK tosses the muffins into his grocery basket. SEAL MAN: You think that because you're a pseudo-celebrity, normal rules don't apply to you? BOJACK: Pseudo?! Would you say that to Eric McCormack? Look, I've had a rough morning, so I don't need-- Cut to a closeup of SEAL MAN. He turns away briefly while speaking. SEAL MAN: You've had a rough morning? I spent the last ten months-- SEAL MAN turns back to look at BOJACK. Cut to a wide view of the scene. BOJACK has left. OTTER MAN calls after BOJACK. SEAL MAN: Hey! Cut to the cash registers. BOJACK finishes paying the cashier for the muffins. BOJACK calls back to SEAL MAN. BOJACK: Sorry, wasn't listening. See ya! Cut to an extreme closeup of SEAL MAN. SEAL MAN: You're going to regret this, BoJack Horseman. Cut to a closeup on BOJACK, facing the exit with plastic bag in hand. BOJACK: Oh really? I'm gonna regret buying muffins? BOJACK takes the muffins out of the plastic bag. BOJACK: What, have they got a lot of saturated fat in them? BOJACK flips over the box of muffins and reads the back label. BOJACK: Oh, man, they do have a lot of saturated fat. Cut to a wide view of BOJACK and the cash registers. BOJACK: Why'd I buy these? Cut to a cliffside view of BOJACK's apartment and the town below. INT. BOJACK'S KITCHEN DIANE and TODD are sitting at the kitchen table. DIANE is using a laptop. TODD is staring at the ceiling, smiling. BOJACK is lying on the floor with his hand in the box of muffins. BOJACK: Man, I really regret buying those muffins and then eating them all on the drive home. TODD: Well, my date with Ayako went really well. Thanks for asking. BOJACK raises his head and points at TODD with his muffin-box hand. BOJACK: I specifically didn't ask, and I'll thank you to respect my total lack of interest in your personal life. Cut to a closeup of TODD and DIANE. TODD: She's hilarious. I never met a girl who was so curious about American bank routing numbers. BOJACK enters the frame, sitting at the table next to DIANE. BOJACK: Still not interested. DIANE: Should we get started on the book? BOJACK: What's your hurry? TODD: What do you guys think I should get Ayako for our 12-hour anniversary? She wants a framed picture of my mother's maiden name. BOJACK stands up. BOJACK: Okay, let's get to work. Cut to a distant street view of BOJACK's apartment. Outside the gate, an anthropomorphic sheep man is trimming the hedges with shears. He pauses to take a bite of the hedge. DIANE (V.O.): Let's start at the beginning. INT. BOJACK'S OFFICE BOJACK is sitting behind his desk, drinking an alcoholic beverage. DIANE is sitting on the other side of the desk with her laptop. DIANE: What was your childhood like? BOJACK: Normal. DIANE: Normal? BOJACK: Yeah, it was, uh, normal-- normal childhood stuff. Cut to a flashback of BOJACK's childhood home. BOJACK'S DAD is sitting at the kitchen table reading a newspaper. BOJACK'S MOM walks up to him carrying a plate with an omelet on it. She is smoking a cigarette. BOJACK'S MOM: Here's your omelet. BOJACK's DAD looks up from his paper. BOJACK'S MOM throws the plate onto the table. The omelet falls halfway off the plate. BOJACK'S MOM: I'm sorry it's not as good as the omelets your secretary makes, but then you're not married to your secretary, are you? BOJACK'S DAD: Well, maybe if my secretary also refused to get an abortion, I would be. Pan out to reveal KID BOJACK is also sitting at the table. KID BOJACK: Mommy, can I have an omelet? BOJACK'S MOM: You're the birthday boy. Cut back to BOJACK's office. BOJACK downs the rest of his drink and wipes his mouth. BOJACK: Normal childhood, and then just get right into the big, famous part. DIANE: Look, if you're not ready to talk, we can wait. BOJACK: (Talking over her) I am ready to talk! BOJACK stands up and paces. BOJACK: Why wouldn't I want to talk about my parents? They're so normal. That's crazy. BOJACK points at DIANE. BOJACK: You sound like a crazy person, not me. Stop being so crazy, crazy. (Laughing) Why are you calling me crazy? BOJACK sits back down in his chair. DIANE: Okay. Was your father-- BOJACK's phone rings. BOJACK: Hold on, I got to take this. Hello? LAURA (V.O.): Hey, BoJack, I've got Princess Carolyn for you. It's urgent. BOJACK: Great, put her on. LAURA (V.O.): Just a sec. I'll see if she's available. A jingle plays over the phone. JINGLE: When you're walking alone / Because Jellicles are and Je-- PRINCESS CAROLYN (V.O.): BoJack... Cut to PRINCESS CAROLYN running on a treadmill at a gym. PRINCESS CAROLYN: ...are you watching MSNBSea right now? Cut to BOJACK in his office. BOJACK: Great question. Well, I didn't fall down on my remote, randomly changing the channel to MSNBSea while simultaneously crippling myself... Cut to PRINCESS CAROLYN running on a treadmill at a gym. She appears unamused. BOJACK: ...thus physically forcing me to watch MSNBSea... Cut to BOJACK in his office. BOJACK: ...so no. No, I'm not watching MSNBSea right now. Cut to a wide view of PRINCESS CAROLYN running on a treadmill at a gym. She is flanked by two anthropomorphic runners, one a cheetah and one a sloth who is dangling from the machine. A human woman is standing in the background with a water bottle. PRINCESS CAROLYN: Yeah, well, Hamlet, you might want to turn it on. They're talking about you. Cut to BOJACK in his office. BOJACK: Ooh! Good things, I hope. BOJACK stands up and runs off-screen. Cut to DIANE sitting her chair. She sighs and closes her laptop. Cut to a closeup of the television screen broadcasting MSNBSea. Anthropomorphic whale news anchor TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO is addressing the public. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. The television screen splits to reveal a video feed of NEAL MCBEAL, the SEAL MAN from the supermarket, dressed in uniform. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Welcome to the program, Neal. NEAL MCBEAL: Thank you, Tom. Cut to BOJACK, TODD, and DIANE watching the TV screen in BOJACK's living room. TODD is sitting on the couch. BOJACK is standing behind him. DIANE is standing off to the side. BOJACK points to the TV. BOJACK: Hey, I met this guy. Cut to a closeup of the TV screen. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: All Neal wanted when he got home-- and I emphasize, from Afghanistan-- was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. When he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box-- Well, tell us what happened, Neal. NEAL MCBEAL: Bojack Horseman, from the 90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman? The TV screen switches to display a photo of BOJACK at a Christmas party. In the photo, two women are standing to his left and a third woman is standing to his right. A man dressed as Santa Clause is standing on the far right. BOJACK is sneezing all over the woman to his right. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party. Cut to BOJACK and DIANE in the living room. BOJACK: (Distraught) Oh, not the sneezing pic-- Why do they always use the sneezing picture? Cut to the TV screen. The display has returned to a portrait view of TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: In the 90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the front lines, that is a sick joke, sir. Cut to a closeup of BOJACK. He shakes his head. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: A sick, sick joke, indeed... Cut back to the TV screen. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: ...and you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer, for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO grunts and fires water out of his blow hole. Cut to BOJACK, DIANE, and TODD in the living room. TODD: Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL? BOJACK: I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL. I just thought he was a regular kind of seal. Cut back to the TV screen. The display has returned to a split view of TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO and NEAL MCBEAL. NEAL MCBEAL: This is cla**ic Hollywood elitism. Bojack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, Bojack... Cut back to the group in the living room. NEAL MCBEAL: ...now I'm on TV... BOJACK shakes his head. Cut back to the TV screen. NEAL MCBEAL raises his arms. NEAL MCBEAL: ...so now I'm better than everybody! TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO repeatedly pokes his finger into the desktop in front of him for emphasis. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: That's right, Neal. Cut back to the group in the living room. BOJACK: You didn't even have dibs, you stupid sea cow. (To DIANE and TODD.) You guys think I should call in and set the record straight? Cut to a closeup on DIANE. DIANE: BoJack, these people feed off controversy. If you dignify the story with a response, it's just gonna fan-- Cut to the TV screen. The display has returned to a portrait view of TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO. He is holding two fingers to his ear. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: I'm not receiving word that we've got BoJack himself on the phone. Cut to BOJACK and DIANE in the living room. BOJACK takes his cell phone away from his ear and puts his hand over the receiver. BOJACK: (To DIANE) Sorry, I stopped listening. You were leading up to a "yes," right? Cut back to the TV screen. The display has returned to a split view of TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO and NEAL MCBEAL. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: BoJack, what you did today was a slap in the face of America's heroes. Will you apologize? TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO and NEAL MCBEAL cross their arms simultaneously. Cut back to BOJACK, DIANE, and TODD in the living room. BOJACK: Okay, enough about America's heroes. Can we talka bout dibs? Because he didn't even really have dibs. If he had legitimate dibs-- Cut to a closeup of NEAL MCBEAL. NEAL MCBEAL: Oh, I had dibs on the muffins. I hid them in the produce section! Cut back to the group in the living room. BOJACK: You left them totally out in the open. That's hiding? How did you survive in Afghanistan?! Cut to a closeup of NEAL MCBEAL. NEAL MCBEAL: Those are my muffins! You give me back my muffins! (Barks) Cut to a closeup of BOJACK. BOJACK: Hey, guess what, I can't give them back 'cause I ate them all, okay? Cut to a closeup of TODD with spoon in hand. TODD: (Disapprovingly) Dude. Cut back to the TV screen. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Hold on, just to be clear, since this morning, you ate all the muffins? Cut to an extreme closeup of BOJACK. BOJACK: Yeah, I ate them all in one sitting because I have no self-control and I hate myself. Pan out to BOJACK and DIANE. DIANE finishes writing on a notepad and turns it towards BOJACK, revealing the words, "STOP TALKING!!" BOJACK: Is that what you want to hear? Cut to an extreme closeup of TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Neil, was it a small container of muffins, like two to four muffins? Cut to a closeup of NEAL MCBEAL. NEAL MCBEAL: No, Tom, there were a good deal more than that. Cut back to an extreme closeup of TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Can you remember exactly how many muffins were in the box? Cut to BOJACK, falling to his knees in front of the TV screen. BOJACK: Yeah, there were exactly 12! I ate 12 muffins, and I didn't even want one! There's your goddamn news story, the myster of my missing goddamn self-respect! (Pants) Cut to a side view of the living room. BOJACK picks up the remote and turns off the TV. BOJACK: (Panting) How'd I come off? DIANE scratches her head. TODD: Well, that went slightly better than the worst it could have possibly gone, so...hooray? Cut to a closeup of a horse-shaped inner tube floating in BOJACK's swimming pool. An open beer bottle is resting in one of the cup holders. INT. BOJACK'S OFFICE BOJACK is pouring himself another drink. DIANE is sitting across the room on a couch. BOJACK: It's not even about the muffins. Everyone is just out to get me because I'm famous and so well-adjusted. DIANE: Well, at least you've got some privacy. My boyfriend's filming a reality show at our house. If I want to be alone, I have to go to the roof because it's the only place they don't have insurance to film. BOJACK walks up to DIANE. BOJACK: You go on the roof? DIANE: Yeah, just to get some work done. Is that really weird? BOJACK sits down on the couch next to DIANE. BOJACK: No, it's adorable. DIANE: When I was a kid, I used to climb up on the roof with my dad and look at the stars. What about you? DIANE holds up a voice recorder. DIANE: Were you close with your father? Cut to a flashback of KID BOJACK and BOJACK'S DAD. They are in the study. BOJACK'S DAD is prodding a ship in a bottle with a stick. He is smoking a pipe. KID BOJACK holds up a heart-shaped paper card with the word, "Daddy," written on it. KID BOJACK: Happy Father's Day, Daddy. BOJACK'S DAD takes the card and opens it vertically. BOJACK'S DAD: What's this supposed to be, a lima bean? KID BOJACK: It's a heart. BOJACK'S DAD: That's some shoddy craftsmanship, son. KID BOJACK: I tried my best. BOJACK'S DAD: No, you didn't. You slacked off and took the easy way out. In this world, you can either do things the easy way or the right way. You take a boat from here to New York, you gonna go around the horn like a gentleman or cut through the Panama Can*l like some kind of democrat? KID BOJACK: Um, the can*l? BOJACK'S DAD stands up and slaps KID BOJACK. KID BOJACK tears up. BOJACK'S DAD: You go around the horn the way God intended! Cut back to BOJACK and DIANE on the couch. BOJACK: Uneventful. DIANE: What? BOJACK: What? DIANE: I asked if you were close with your father, and you sat here in silence for five minutes and then said, "Uneventful." BOJACK: You know what, this is a really good conversation, and I definitely want to keep having it... BOJACK stands up. BOJACK: ...but I just keep thinking about the muffins thing, so maybe we could put a pin in this thorough deconstruction of my past so I can put that other thing to be before it spirals out of con-- Cut back to the TV screen. It is cut into thirds, with NEAL MCBEAL on the left, TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO in the middle, and BOJACK on the right. NEAL MCBEAL: I had dibs! My dibs were on those muffins! BOJACK: Your dibs were void! NEAL MCBEAL: I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get? BOJACK: Really, you, specifically, made America safer? TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Well, Bojack, surely even you would agree that the troops are heroes. BOJACK: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to k** people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero. Pan out to a wider view of BOJACK's office. DIANE, TODD, and a camera man are standing in front of BOJACK. DIANE facepalms. BOJACK: What? Cut back to the TV screen. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Did you just say you think the troops are jerks? BOJACK: Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you? EXT. BOJACK'S HOUSE - DRIVEWAY Two news vans are parked outside of BOJACK's front gate. CUT TO: BOJACK'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM BOJACK is watching the previous news broadcasting of himself on television. He is reclining in a chair with pajamas on. BOJACK: No, no, no. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO (recording): The troops are jerks? BOJACK: Oh, God. BOJACK's phone rings. He answers it. BOJACK: Hello? LAURA (V.O.): Princess Carolyn needs to talk to you immediately. BOJACK: Great, put her on. LAURA: She's actually just getting out of a meeting. Can you hold for a sec? BOJACK: You called me. A jingle plays over the phone. JINGLE: When you're walking alone / Because Jellicles are / And Jellicles do BOJACK: Ugh. Cut to black. The words "LIKE AN HOUR LATER" appear on the screen. Cut back to BOJACK in his chair. The jingle is still playing. JINGLE: Jellicles would / And Jellicles can PRINCESS CAROLYN: BoJack. BOJACK: Ah! PRINCESS CAROLYN: I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you hating the troops thing is not great. BOJACK: I don't hate the troops! I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, really. News helicopters are flying in the air outside BOJACK's house. BOJACK walks to the window and looks out at them. BOJACK: I just think that he's wrong about the muffins. BOJACK draws the shades. PRINCESS CAROLYN: I know, BoJack -- just like always, you're right, and everyone else is wrong. But if you don't swallow your pride, this is never gonna let up. I know you're stubborn -- BOJACK: I'm not stubborn. I'm proud. PRINCESS CAROLYN: That's kind of the same thing. BOJACK: No, it's an important distinction. PRINCESS CAROLYN: Okay, fine. You're not stubborn. But I'm about to tell you something very important, so I want you to listen carefully. I'm getting another call. I'm gonna have to put you on hold. A jingle plays over the phone. JINGLE: When you're walking alone BOJACK sits down in his chair. JINGLE: Because Jellicles are / And Jellicles do CUT TO: TV BROADCAST TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: It is now day three of the great BoJack jerk-off -- Really? That's the name we came up with for this? Who came up with that? Was it Randy? Did Randy come up with that? The broadcast splits in two. The second half shows an aerial view of BOJACK's house. Protesters are standing outside the front gate. TOM JUMBO-GRUMBO: Anyway, the former television actor who hates our troops has not left his home since his controversial remarks on Monday about how he hates the troops. Cut to an interview segment with an anthropomorphic bear holding a sign that reads: "BOJACK'S VIEWS ARE UNBEARABLE." The text superimposed at the bottom of the screen reads: "HAS-BEEN HATES TROOPS, LOOKS FAT." BEAR PROTESTER: BoJack Horseman makes me sick. He voiced his opinion, even though it was unpopular, and that's the most cowardly thing a person can do. Cut to an interview segment with PAM. The broadcast text below her reads: "SOME GIRL WHO SLEPT WITH BOJACK HORSEMAN." PAM: After we made love, he covered himself in sheets like an Arab. Cut to the white house. JOAN KAPUR, the Capitol Hill Correspondent, is speaking to the camera. JOAN KAPUR: At this very moment, Congress is voting on a major education bill that could completely restructure the -- TOM JUMBO-WUMBO cuts JOAN KAPUR off. The screen splits in half, inserting him on the left side. TOM JUMBO-WUMBO: Joan, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but we've got some big news on the BoJack Horseman front. Cut to an aerial view of BOJACK's house. TOM JUMBO-WUMBO (V.O.): It appears that BoJack's Lexus is coming out of the garage. This is very big news, indeed. Cut to the Lexus. TODD is driving with DIANE in the pa**enger seat. The back seat is filled with dirty laundry. Reporters approach TODD and he rolls down the window. REPORTER: Any comment on BoJack's controversial remarks this week? TODD: Uh, nope. TODD guns it and the tires screech on the pavement. Cut to the inside of the car. BOJACK pops out from beneath the pile of laundry. BOJACK: So where are we going? TODD: Don't worry, I've got a plan. TODD lets go of the wheel to dial a number on his phone. DIANE takes hold of the wheel, steadying the car. DIANE: Whoa! Jeez. TODD takes hold of the wheel as he puts the phone to his ear. TODD: Ayako, hey, I need you to get me three tickets to Kyoto. AYAKO (V.O., speaking Japanese): You son of a b**h! Cut to AYAKO's computer desk. Pictures and files of TODD are hung up all around the desk. AYAKO (speaking Japanese): You told me you were an obscenely rich American entrepreneur. You had eighty dollars in your bank account. Eighty! TODD: Hey, I meant I was rich because I have friends, like George Bailey. AYAKO (speaking Japanese): Who the sh** is George Bailey? Do you have any idea how much work went into scamming you? George Bailey! AYAKO hangs up. TODD: Hello? Well, I'm out of ideas. DIANE: We can hide out at my place while we make a plan. BOJACK rolls down one of the back seat windows and looks out. News helicopters are in pursuit of the car. An anthropomorphic pig man rises into view. His midsection is tied to a helium balloon. He snaps a picture of BOJACK. BOJACK: Yeah, great, just get me away from the cameras. INT. DIANE & MR. PEANUTbu*tER'S HOUSE BOJACK is flanked by two cameras. He is sitting at a dining table with MR. PEANUTbu*tER, PRINCESS CAROLYN, and TODD. BOJACK: Do we really need to be filming this? MR. PEANUTbu*tER: It's for my reality show. You never know when gold's gonna strike. BOJACK: Yeah, gold doesn't strike. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: That's why you never know. PRINCESS CAROLYN: BoJack, be nice. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Just pretend they're not there. BOJACK: Okay. Well, I -- SOUND GUY: Could you speak up, please? BOJACK (loudly): I'd like to -- SOUND GUY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's too loud. BOJACK: I want to fix this as quickly as possible. I don't care who was right about the muffins anymore, even though I was definitely right. I just want my privacy back, so I can finish writing my tell-all memoir, so everyone will pay attention to me again. PRINCESS CAROLYN: I've already reached out to the McBeal camp. He's willing to publicly forgive you if you publicly apologize and present to him a box of muffins as a symbol of your great admiration for the American military and everything they do. BOJACK: But I ate the muffins. PRINCESS CAROLYN: I know. We got another box. It's in the cupboard. BOJACK: Oh, you were saving those? I ate those too. PRINCESS CAROLYN: We've been here for ten minutes! it's okay, we'll get more muffins. TODD: I'll get the muffins, and they're on me. I just found out I got 80 bucks in the bank. I'm helping! Hooray! TODD runs out the door. BOJACK: So where are we gonna do this? Do I have to go on MSNBSea? PRINCESS CAROLYN: No, we should do it somewhere people will actually see it. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Oh, why don't you do it on Peanutbu*ter and Jelly? BOJACK: You can't call a show Peanutbu*ter and Jelly if there's no jelly. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: It's a pun. BOJACK: It's not a pun if it only works one way. PRINCESS CAROLYN: Is this a necessary conversation to be having right now? MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Look, I know tempers are high, but let's not take it out on the great title for my reality show, which we all agree is really clever. MR. PEANUTbu*tER turns to the camera woman. MR. PEANUTbu*tER (whispering): We can edit this to make me look smart, right? The camera woman nods. CUT TO: DIANE & MR. PEANUTbu*tER'S HOUSE - NIGHT The camera is focusing in on MR. PEANUTbu*tER's face. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: How's this look? Looks good? Okay. CAMERA MAN: Marker, sound, speed. The camera pans back to reveal BOJACK and MR. PEANUTbu*tER sitting next to each other on adjacent couches. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Well, here I am, hanging out with my good friend BoJack Horseman, enjoying each other's company, as we often do. BOJACK: Yes, this is all very authentic and natural. The doorbell rings. MR. PEANUTbu*tER's ears perk up. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Oh, someone's at the door! MR. PEANUTbu*tER stands and addresses the camera. MR. PEANUTbu*tER. I will see who it is. MR. PEANUTbu*tER walks to the door and ushers NEAL MCBEAL into the room. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Wow, this is a surprise. Neal McBeal. NEAL MCBEAL (to MR. PEANUTbu*tER): Hello, sir. Thank you for inviting me into your home. It is lovely. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: BoJack, is there anything you'd like to give Neal McBeal? NEAL MCBEAL: Ahem. MR. PEANUTbu*tER gets up and walks out of the shot. BOJACK: Oh, yeah, Todd? TODD pops up from behind the couch with a brown bag. BOJACK: What the hell is this? TODD: I tried to buy the muffins, but my bank card got declined for some reason. But don't worry, I still saved the day because I found this bag of stale hamburger buns. BOJACK: I'm sorry? TODD: Yeah, they're just giving them away behind In-N-Out. TODD hands BOJACK the bag of buns. TODD: Why does anybody pay for anything? BOJACK shoves TODD back behind the couch. TODD: Ow. BOJACK: Uh, Neal, as a token of my admiration, please acccept this bag of stale hamburger buns. NEAL MCBEAL: What? BOJACK: Yes, hamburger buns. It's a symbol for how we throw our veterans in the trash, sadly, far too often. NEAL MCBEAL: We send our muffins overseas, and they come back as stale hamburger buns, but that doesn't mean we should love them any less, because in their own way, aren't stale hamburger buns just as good? BOJACK eats one of the buns. BOJACK: Mmm...American made. NEAL MCBEAL: So what you're saying is, you think I'm a hero. BOJACK: Well, I don't know if I -- NEAL MCBEAL: Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero. BOJACK: You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one. NEAL MCBEAL: Great. NEAL MCBEAL grabs and tugs on the bag of hamburger buns, but BOJACK resists. BOJACK: And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. NEAL MCBEAL: Okay, you can let go of the bag now. BOJACK: Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. NEAL MCBEAL: Yeah, me neither. I think we're in agreement here. BOJACK: Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases. NEAL MCBEAL: Okay. BOJACK: And finally, I don't -- The sound guy walks into the shot. SOUND GUY: Hey, look! Mr. Peanutbu*ter got a bucket stuck on his head. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Guys, guys, where am I? Can someone tell me where I am? NEAL MCBEAL: Hey, where'd he get that bucket from? Who gave him a bucket? NEAL MCBEAL laughs and walks off screen. BOJACK: Uh, actually, I had another point I wanted to make. TODD climbs over the couch. TODD: Yeah, but who doesn't love a dog with a bucket on his head? Come on. Bucket! Bucket! Everyone gathers around MR. PEANUTbu*tER. ALL (minus BOJACK): Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! Bucket! MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Hey, can anyone find a handle? The camera girl pulls the bucket off his head. Everyone cheers. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: Oh, thank you, my friend. You're a real hero. BOJACK: Unbelievable. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: What's your name, young lady? CAMERA GIRL: Well, my real name's Angela, but my friends call me Jelly. MR. PEANUTbu*tER: What? Oh, my god, did we get that? Please tell me we got that. BOJACK leaves the scene. He climbs out the second floor window with the bag of stale hamburger buns. DIANE is sitting on the roof smoking a cigarette. He sits down next to her, then pulls out one of the buns. BOJACK: You want a day-old hamburger bun? DIANE: I'm all right. How'd it go down there? BOJACK: You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth. DIANE: I want to hear the truth. I don't know if you want to tell it, though. BOJACK: What do you mean? DIANE: Mr. Normal Childhood, Mr. Uneventful Father? Look, I can write you the standard empty-calorie celebrity tell-some, if that's what you're looking for, but I thought you might want more than that. BOJACK DIANE