Pain - The Song Of The 7 Inch Cowboy lyrics

I'm a seven-inch cowboy With a tiny pair of six guns Five'll get you ten I betcha never seen one Well I'm a seven inch cowboy How do you be? And Im used to people gawking and a-staring at me But I wasn't always so gol-darned wee Let me tell you my story You can listen for free For seven long years Now thats a year for every inch I stand I've traveled small and lonely down the byways of this giant land Like a country western Lilliputian too afraid to stop I'm at the bottom of the food chain whereas I once was at the top I wandered on foot, my horse had done abandoned me And every town I come to's like a terrible dream The other cowboys mocked me and spit tobacco like meteors Watching me dodge em and laughing at my small squeaky scream I went to a saloon to get a drink, they wouldn't serve me They stuffed me in a gla** and slid me up and down the bar And all the barroom women gathered round and had their way with me They sang a song both cold and mean cause thats how women are They sang a man can pan for gold and strike it rich and be a millionaire Or ride the rodeo and be the best one at it anywhere Drive a brand new car, be a movie star Size is all that counts and there you are And I'm a seven-inch cowboy With a tiny pair of six guns Five'll get you ten I bet you never seen one Now as you can imagine, I'd grown pretty bitter Although thats the only way in which I had grown And in that seventh year I finally found my transgressor The man who had shrunk me, the worst fiend I'd ever known The mad Professor Mentley was his name and I drew near I hopped upon his shoulder and I grabbed him by the ear I held my little pistols up and I told him lookee here You made me this way, it's time to pay you gol-darned queer The professor said wait, wait Now you know me and I know you And you know that strange experiments are just what I do It's less like a pa**time and more like a job Why, if I didn't do it, I'd be an unemployed slob Now I know that won't suffice and it won't set you at ease But I'm thinking fast as I can for a man who's down on his knees And just this pa**ing moment I had a thought, here's what I thunk Where would you be today if you hadn't gotten shrunk? Just another nameless cowboy, a mediocre bumpkin Riding in the sun, skin burnt the color of a pumpkin Reviled by the ladies, ridiculed by other men Nothing to set you apart, nor would there ever have been Then I came along, yes me, Professor Mently I gave you a gift, though you're ungrateful evidently I plucked you from your average status, made you unique You're a seven inch cowboy, not a six foot freak From every corner of the globe folks will come to adore you Nations will bow and throw their riches before you You'll be diminitive in stature but a titan inside Because I, your true friend, chose to stand by your side Now I cogitated on the words Professor Mentley shared And I wondered if perhaps he only said ‘em cause he was scared My guns were weighing heavy in my hands, my heart was low When suddenly some old advice came to me soft and slow Well my pop told me it don't matter where a fella goes You can sail through icy straights and misty archipelagoes Travel to the moon, orbit every star Size don't really count and there you are You're still a man however big you are And I'm a seven-inch cowboy With a tiny pair of six guns Five'll get you ten You'll never see another one I guess Professor Mentley had a point although I shot him anyway There's never been a gentleman like me and that is safe to say Well I've thought real long and hard, so hard my brain is numb Now I say Hollywood, Hollywood Hollywood here I come