Original London Cast of Mrs. Henderson - Lord Chamberlain's Song lyrics

I'll not endorse this model degradation These are things the world should never see Plays about adultery And women's liberation A three act play about the last apostle And the plot twist that I almost missed Jesus as a communist The afrontery's colossal Inflammatory dribble Offensive to the core I can't get past the title of Tis pity she's a who*e God Gibson is so dark so melancholy Those Swedish writers are a gloomy lot This one's got a vile plot It's anything but jolly In fact sir Mr. Ipsen comes from Norway Everybody makes the same mistake What earthly difference does that make I cannot have it your way Scandinavia is to blame Those endless nights Woe betide the writer Who can't see what he writes I'm the guardian of the establishment And the morals of the nation I stand for common decency The keeper of the flame With my guiding hand Art will not descend Into scarlet deprivation While I remain Lord Chamberlain I'll protect England's good name Tommy, you don't look a day older Let's see how I look when you leave I've brought you a lovely Margot and some fromage Bribery will get you nowhere Theatrical nudity is out of the question We are not proposing some sordid little strip tease Tommy We intend to celebrate the female form The British working cla** won't pay one in six To kneel at the feet of Venus They'll be queueing for a glimpse of bare bosom There are many things on which I will not waiver Prince Hamlet in a leather thong A dollhouse set in old Hong Kong With a masochistic flavor I sense I must protect the working cla**es Look a left wing Charlie's aunt With a h*mos**ual slant Oh I wish I had my gla**es There's much I will allow I am no prude But never list some ladies cavorting in the nude But a sense of shroud in courage innovation I live in fear of opening nights I've never been forgiven for that Jewish wuthering heights You're asking much too much This isn't fair Bums and b**bs are bouncing to the London derriere Oh Tommy dear We're of a single mind We're talking grace and beauty Not a bump and grind But is it art Well it's not musical There's nothing rude about your nude That's in a painting Hanging on a wall Indeed sir our museums are stuffed to the rafters with naked women Not wobbling about waving jazz hands Then neither shall our girls Their modesty will be unveiled in a series of tableau Tableau They will never move I've never heard that before It's worth debating No hint of any motion Every inch completely static Not a single thing pulsating Not a single thing The women's state will be like a museum Think of Rubens and Renoir up there Those two are my favorite pair Please do try the chamomile It's such a big decision I can't be rushed So don't be disappointed If all your hopes are crushed You're the guardian of the establishment And the morals of the nation While you remain Lord Chamberlain Things will always stay the same Even if the enterprise were still artistic There still remains the question of Forgive me The underneath The underneath That which lies beneath The female pudendum I don't speak Latin Tommy If you mean the p**y say so May we refer to it as the middlins Certainly dear the middlins will not be a problem We shall use very subtle lighting and a conscientious hairdresser Oh Tommy dear This will be so much fun I guarantee our little show won't worry anyone I have your word I'll say it once again They'll never move They will not move they'll have to breathe But only now and then You're the guardian of the establishment And the morals of the nation I stand for common decency The keeper of the flame The admiral who leads a godless crew From scarlet degradation Whilst you remain Lord Chamberlain This license needs your name Of course our shows will require your personal approval I shall put you in the royal books Indeed Then providing nothing's moving I will approve But I'll close you down at once if any titties move I'll close you down at once if any titties move