One, two If you ever hear a noise in the night Your body starts to sweat It shakes and shivers in fright You go and sleep with your mother She hates your guts She knows that you love her So she holds you tight All through the night into the broad daylight And when she doesn't come home You'll have to sleep alone And then you wet your bed and I think that's sad For a girl of nineteen it's more than sad, it's obscene One, two And your girlfriend sweet little seventeen She's got her layered hair and her flared jeans You know what that means, she's just a little queen She shares your London flat She thinks that London's where it's at Although it stinks and when it rains you wear your hat And your plum colored P.V.C. wet-look maxi mac You tie your ginger hair back in a bun You're the ugliest creature, under the sun One, two, go One, two And you think it's about time that you died, and I agree So you decide on suicide You tried it but you never quite carried it out You only wanted to die in order to show off And if you think you're gonna bleed all over me You're even wronger than you'd normally be And the only things you want to see are kitsch The only thing you want to be is rich Your little pink up-pointed nose begins to twitch I know, you know, you're just a little b**h One, two