Trust me, listen to me, don't think much of what I'm saying After all, I am your friend Let me be your guide and teach you the true way of things And a personal friend of God While we're talking and you're listening get your checkbook out Just sign on the bottom line please What does money really mean in the true scheme of things Y'all spell that with a y The Lord is a close personal friend of mine We play cards every Tuesday night, he always wins of course But you know, I have witnessed a miracle I have seen a 900 foot Jesus in Tulsa, Oklahoma Although a guy named Sam thinks I was off my medication (Sam Kineson screams) But praise the Lord and send in your donations Even though I have sinned against you... ... and never mind those dirty pictures that are circulating, with the little girl in the saddle Watch my TV show, pay attention very close Send your checks to this address What will you give to me to guarantee your salvation Send in cash if you can Never mind about my twenty million salary Just doin' the Lord's work, ma'am I think God's got some very strange a**ociates Don't mind me quivering under my desk