Neil Gaiman - Do You Swear to Tell the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth or So Help Your Black Ass lyrics

When i was six years old my sister alyson Asked for a stove for her birthday A miniature one you could actually cook with And my mom was nice and she bought one Alyson needed a reason to bake something Barged in my room and she grabbed me She said: "i made a cake and we're going next door To sam weinstein's and you're getting married" The cake was burned It tasted gross She made me kiss him On the mouth Now i am 33 Unmarried happily No plans in life and i'm planning to keep it that way I do kissing with only one mission Do you like to kiss? then you have my permission And i have already spent too much time Doing things i didn't want to So if i just want to make out all the time You can bet your black a** that i'm going to When i was nine i was kind of a loser The kids in my cla** didn't like me Melanie chow was the meanest of all And my mom made me go to her party Nobody talked to me i sat there quietly Drawing with crayons on a napkin A picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork Her legs getting eaten by lions The cake was good I took some home I had a party In my room Now i have friends and i'm not such a loser But i go to bars all alone and i sit there And order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people Yes that's how i like it And i've already spent too much time Doing things i didn't want to So if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine You can bet your black a** that i'm going to Yes i come here often Sure i'll have another one Yes i come here often Sure i'll have another one But i don't have to talk to you When i was 17 i was a bl**job queen Picking up tips from the masters I was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after Now i'm still a bl**job queen (far more selectively) I don't make love now to make people love me But i don't mind sharing my gift with the planet We're all gonna die and a bl**job's fantastic And When i was 25 i was a rock star But it didn't pay too well i had to strip on the side Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by Baby they'd never know What a bargain they'd gotten And if i'm forgotten I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened And i still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me And i've already spent too much time Doing things i didn't want to So if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate Or look like a dyke Or wear high heels and lipstick Or hide in a convent Or try to be mayor Or marry a writer Smoke crack and slash tires Make jokes you don't like Or paint ducks and retire YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I'M GOING TO