Nathan Lane - Invocation and Instructions to the Audience lyrics

[1st ACTOR] Gods of the theatre, smile on us [2nd ACTOR] You who sit up there stern in judgment Smile on us [1st ACTOR] You who look down on actors… [1st/2nd ACTOR] And who doesn't? Bless this yearly festival and smile on us [1st ACTOR] We offer you song and dance [2nd ACTOR] We offer you rites and revels [1st/2nd ACTOR] We offer you grace and beauty Smile on us for this while [1st ACTOR] Gods of the theatre, smile on us [2nd ACTOR] You who sit up there stern in judgment Smile on us [1st ACTOR] We offer you song and dance [2nd ACTOR] We offer you rites and revels [1ST ACTOR] We offer you gods and heroes [2nd ACTOR] We offer you jokes and insults [1st ACTOR] We offer you paeans and pageants Bacchan*ls and social comment Bless our play and smile [2nd ACTOR] We offer you Bacchan*ls and social comment Bless our play and smile [1st ACTOR] Yes, but first… Some dos and don'ts Mostly don'ts: Please don't cough It tends to throw the actors off Have some respect for Aristophanes And please, don't cough Don't say, "What?" To every line you think you haven't got And if you're in a snit Because you've missed the plot (Of which I must admit There's not an awful lot) Still, don't Say-- [2nd ACTOR] What? [1st ACTOR] If you see flaws, please Don't drop your jaws, please No loud guffaws, please When actors enter late [2nd ACTOR] When there's a pause, please Lots of applause, please And we'd appreciate You turning off your cell phones while we wait... [Music stops. A cell phone rings.] [1st ACTOR] Unbelievable [2nd ACTOR] Unbelievable [1st ACTOR] I think it's you [2nd ACTOR] [Answering.] Hello? This really isn't a good time. I said, this really isn't-- can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? [Music resumes.] [1st ACTOR] Don't go "Oh!" Each time you see an actor that you know And if you have to use the lounge below Don't wait until we're halfway through the show Especially if you're sitting in the middle of a row [2nd ACTOR:] No smokes, no chow [1st ACTOR] Unwrap the candy wrappers now When we are waxing humorous Please don't wane The jokes are obscure, but numerous We'll explain [2nd ACTOR:] When we are waxing serious Try not to laugh [1st ACTOR] It starts when we get imperious And if you're in doubt, don't query us We'll signal you when we're serious [1st/2nd ACTOR] It's in the second half [2nd ACTOR] Do not intrude, please When someone's nude, please She's there for mood, please And mustn't be embraced [1st ACTOR] If we are crude, please Don't come unglued, please Let's not be too strait-laced The author's reputation wasn't based On taste So please, don't fart There's very little air and this is art And if you feel offended Don't lose heart [2nd ACTOR] That's what the man intended He was smart [1st/2nd ACTOR] When everything's up-ended We can all depart And now... But first-- [Sound of thunder -- the gods are getting impatient.] [COMPANY] We start