Natalie Marie Howell - The girl whose broken and shattered part 2 lyrics

Chapter 2 My songs Jesus take my life from me Jesus take my life from me take control of my life for me because I just can't go another day trying to pretend I'm ok when I don't know what to say or do a lot of people don't want to hear me tell them I'm not ok so when they ask me if I'm ok or not the only thing I can manage to say is I'm fine nothing real but you know exactly what I'm feeling and I don't have to pretend everything's ok when I'm with you so please Jesus take my life from me Jesus take my life from me case I can't take charge of this life any more Jesus how do you see my life what is it you see in me that has value in your eyes when I'm just nothing but a tangled up mess always surrounded by the darkness of this world have I loved anyone just as you loved me and people like me many times my mind wondered off it seems so real but unless my mind wonders off on you I don't want my mind to wonder off at all Jesus take my life from me Jesus take my life from me case I can't live this life myself anymore please Jesus take my life from me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Just be your self why do people try to be someone there not? Always trying to be the same instead of being themselves they rather be someone's shadow but you know what you won't be anything if you just be like some one else just be yourself if people can't accept you for who you are than don't make them part of your story why put up with people who won't accept you for who you are when there are people out there who will accept you just the way you are all you have to do is just be yourself just be your self just be yourself who cares what others think of you like who you are than why change it is the person worth changing for ask your self who am I changing my life for and are they worth changing your life for if not than just be yourself just be your self case it's so much easier to just be your self instead of changing everything about you for someone who can't just simply accept you for who you are its hard to find these people now a days but I know someone who doesn't want me to change and maybe you know who he is he's the Lord our God and he accepts you just the way you are so just be your self THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 WHEN THE PAIN IS 2 DEEP INSIDE Let me sum up what I feel inside I relive bad memories almost every day from people calling me names to throwing whatever they could find at me one day I was walking around the complex of where I live (PROVIDINCE TOWERS) and a group of kids where throwing rocks at me it was August 31st then I got a call that night my mom told me my great grandmother died of cancer and I was broken I saw here twice before she left and both times I wanted to say goodbye yet each time I saw here it was as if I didn't know how to talk like my voice was just gone next summer came I was at my grand mouthers house and my sister called me crying telling me one of our friends from middle school just died of cancer and I haven't seen or heard from her in 4 years didn't even get to say good bye for the last time a year later 3 days before my 19th b day and a year in 2 weeks ago since my great grandmother died I find out one of my friends is in jail because he almost k**ed someone and cut someone else now he's most likely in jail for life so when you see me and ask me if I'm ok it doesn't matter if I have a home, friends and family because sometimes when the pain is 2 deep inside nothing around you matters when the pain is 2 deep inside when the pain is 2 deep inside often ill start thinking about murder or suicide but then I think about going to jail or not going home where I belong and so I just keep it all locked up inside because the pain is 2 much to handle and I don't know what else to do so maybe next time you ask me if I'm ok you better think real hard if you really want to know what I feel inside because like I said earlier when the pain is 2 deep inside nothing around you matters not even life itself just keep that in mind case when the pain is 2 deep inside when the pain is 2 deep inside when the pain is 2 deep inside it doesn't matter where you are or who you're with it all comes back in a matter of seconds THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 19 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 19 If I could just disappear and not be found if I could just disappear and not be found I wouldn't have to keep holding everything inside I'm tired of watching out for things I've wanted to say and do weather because it was against the law, I loved God far too much to carry it out or just case of my age vs. there's sometimes it could be all of the above every day I pretend I'm ok case no one wants to hear about the pain I go through every day why I haven't k**ed myself yet because I believe God has a plan for me however lately everything just seems to come crashing down and I just want to disappear and not be found least not be bothered. By anyone at all still can't figure out what's wrong with me if I said something if I done something to them I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt anyone now its like I could just disappear and not be found if I could just disappear and not be found if I can just vanish into thin air who would notice me gone who wouldn't care what if I left a note explaining why I left and why you can't find me no matter how hard you tried I mean if I could just disappear and not be found maybe this world would be a better place maybe people would get along more I just can't take it anymore having all this pain locked up inside for years I wanted to let it go and to forget it all happened and just move on but it's impossible case people keep bringing it up again finally enough is enough that I just got to say if I could just disappear if I could just disappear would this world be a better place would people be able to get along better than what they do now mean I seem to be the reason everything goes wrong if I could just disappear and not be found THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 You can keep on cutting me off but you'll never understand me at all 11 years nonstop I been trying to pretend everything's ok I been fighting a war with life inside me sometimes I wonder maybe it's something I said maybe its something I've done yet I just can't figure it out at all but I have manage to put together is the fact that you always ask what I'm thinking if I'm ok you always ask me about my life story and every time I try to tell you just keep on cutting me off so with that said you can keep on cutting me off but you'll never understand me at all you can keep on cutting me off but you'll never understand me just keep that in mind next time you bother asking me if I'm ok you know how hard it is to pretend your ok when your ripped apart inside I don't know why everyone wants to be the same when no one was made to be the same why do we all look for reasons to hate each other why do we have to hate anyone for anything when will the wars end for good? Many of you ask me about relationships and why I don't want a relationship here on earth but like I said every time I try to tell you it's impossible I mean you can keep cutting me off but you'll never understand me you can keep on cutting me off but you'll never understand me you know I really find it hard to believe that you can't afford choir but yet you manage to afford every other elective in the book tell me how is it that no one knows whose in charge of what exactly do you all do at those teacher meetings anyways case apparently u are not going over who's in charge of what than to say we can ask anything guess that was a lie course none of this matters case my voice just doesn't seem to matter you can keep cutting me off but you'll never understand me you can keep cutting me off but you'll never understand me at all you know everything just adds up inside and the fact that I just don't know what to do or even what to say so the first thing that comes to mind is the first thing that comes out of me so you can keep cutting me off but you'll never understand me you can keep cutting me off but you'll never understand me and as long as you keep cutting me off don't bother asking about my life story THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 What is wrong with all of you I have absolutely no idea where to begin at this point and time the way this school works is disappointing really, you say we need certain cla**es to graduate you said we needed speech to graduate what I don't understand is how the hell could you sit here and tell us what cla**es we f… need to get the hell out of this dam school you can't even talk to each other about who dose what tell me who the hell is in charge of sinning case managers and to tell me about it whose job is it to tell me anything that has to do any thing with me or are all of u so dam f…. scared you don't have the dam common sense to step up to me face to face and tell me your dam selves so let me ask you what is wrong with all of you what is wrong with all of you all this talk about how you want us to pa** and graduate its all bull s…. its nothing but crap but none of u don't give a dam do you no one never actually listens you have no common sense to keep everyone in uniform with anything but what I find so devastating is fact that all of u have the school behind all of u don't care so much their f…. blind to realize the schools dam system is f….. stupid look around who the hell do you think you're dealing with think about it if nothing else think about all this than came back and answer me what is wrong with you what is wrong with you what is wrong please tell me what is wrong with you when will you take the time to open up your eyes and see this is not working all of u are just in this for the money you tell us that u care but what u really want is the money tell me face to face that's not true I dare you in fact, I triple dog dare you to come tell me face to face and tell me its not about the money you can't can you and that's sad we shouldn't be worried about money as long as we all can work together and help each other out but all of u are so dam into the f….. computers all of u don't give a f… what's wrong with your school what's wrong with you everyone is different deal with it no one is meant to be the same everyone is special in there own way yet all of u try so f… hard to be the same and for what whey try to be someone you're not let me tell you everyone has a dream how ever not everyone works hard to make it come true and for that reason u all do what your desires man its disappointing and sad what's wrong with you what's wrong with your what's wrong with you THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Just the other day just the other day I found out that one of my friends whom I've known since middle school died of cancer than the next day I came back to hell inside prison for a group of girls to through rocks at me for what ever reason of which I still don't know why and drives me insane case I try so hard to tell my life story but clearly no one wants to hear do they care I want to believe that one day everyone will get along and be friends for once but now I'm not so sure because just the other day I found out officer Elise died of cancer I didn't get to say goodbye or see here for the last time and when my great grandmother died of cancer both times I got to see here and say good bye but the second I saw here I couldn't get myself to say anything finally, I let my anger out but fortnightly I took it out on the one person who brought me back to life and sent his son to die for me it's not something I'm happy about case the last thing I ever want to do is take my anger out on God and yet that night I did because just the other day I found out one of my friends died of cancer than I came back to hell inside prison from a group of girls to start throwing rocks at me for whatever reason of which I do not know why right now all I know is just the other day I found out one of my friends died of cancer and I took my anger out on God who has done nothing for me to do that yet it happened just because of what happened just the other day THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I will always blame myself 4 everything for so long I tried to hold everything inside all the pain and lies I been crosswire so many times that I don't know what is real and what's not I wonder if there is anything I'm good at all but right now the only thing I can't stop thinking about is the 3 of you Cherelle, Korrey and Fayth you know I care for all 3 of you and that's never going to change I am sorry I lied to you about going to furs I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry but please believe me when I said I wasn't ignoring you at all why would I when you called me my radio was playing and it didn't turn off when you called so I had a hard time hearing you so I tried to turn my radio off but in order to do that I had to turn my phone off yet you just kept calling and calling thinking I was ignoring you when I wasn't now because of me our friendship might be over and still have this lump in me of crying and screaming till my head blew off or till I fall asleep and hope I don't wake up we grew up together and till now where falling apart I remember getting dragged into every battle between you and Marissa I wanted to find a way where you all could just get along and accept each other for who you are but as you can see that just blew up and somehow I always mange to blame myself case that's what I do when something anything goes wrong I find a way to blame myself I'm sorry For lying to you about furs I shouldn't have I tried so hard to keep so many secrets I got so cross wired I messed up and now where falling apart Cherelle remember how you asked me if I thought you would make a great mouther and I said yes I still believe you can and will make a great mouther just hang in there don't give up Korrey I know you're not stupid I never thought you where I said what I said because I'm still having to keep secrets between all of you weather you see it or not I tried to keep us all together but all I did was tear us apart now where all just falling apart at least I am I still care about Fayth as if she was my own always have always will and Cherelle I know you where worried about having another miscarriage and when you told me about the ones you had before and that if you were to have another miscarriage you could go to jail for child endangerment so I asked God to give this child to you I hear your pregnant again and might have a boy I just hope you'll be ok that what's goanna happen now I'm not sure I just want to know this is our friendship over for good do you want to talk to me or will you shut me out of your life either way right now and till the day I die I will always blame myself for everything that goes wrong I will always blame myself for everything I will always blame myself for every thing that goes wrong THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Has my life been a waste of time? God has my life been a waste of time because it just doesn't seem like I'm good at anything Father God please tell me what it is you have called me to do in this life I want to carry out the plan you have for me but am I on the right road Jesus is there anything I'm good at besides messing every thing up or has my life been a waste of time ever since I was little all I wanted to do is sing and wright till this day it's still something I love to do but then I'm not so sure anymore people always telling me what I'm not good at some of them are part of me family God do you know what it's like to have a pa**ion for something and than everyone even part of your own family tell you you're not good at it at all so than I wonder has my life been a waste of time has my life been a waste of time the government doesn't think I can get a job and keep it starting to think there right Jesus why can't I do anything right with my life am I really just a waste of time will someone ever tell me what I can do please tell me what I am good at God who did you create me to be why did you bring me back to life? God please restore me give me peace once again tell me what do you want me to do with my life Father God you know I love you and I always will I place my trust, hope and dreams in your hands please restore me give me peace once again Jesus I will give anything just to be with you and see you face to face but I got to know has my life been a waste of time? Father God you know what my heart is like you know my life story from beginning to end inside and out right now I need your help please Father God I can't go on without you tell me please am I at least on the right road to living your plan for me or has my life been a waste of time has my life been a waste of time Jesus will you please restore my heart give me peace inside once again let me know that your still with me and you wont leave my side let me see you and talk to you face to face please hold me Father God and carry me through the pain around me help me move on show me where to go what to say and what to do because right now I feel like my life has been a waste of time now I just got to ask you has my life been a waste of time has my life been a waste of time I got to know has my life been a waste of time to you is there anything I'm good at all is there anything I can do that's worth anything to you or has my life been a waste of time has my life been a waste of time I just got to know please Father God tell me has my life been a waste of time THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 God will never leave my side let me make this clear to anyone and everyone who has this idea that I need a man in my life to be happy back off now I'm not alone I have friends and family and when there not around I'm still not alone because God will never leave my side no matter where I'm at what I've done or what I've said has saved my life and he will save yours to all you got to do is ask him he's waiting for you with open arms I know in the beginning in God's word God said it is not good for man to be alone and I know some of you are afraid to see me grow old alone without anyone by my side but you seem to forget one thing even though sometimes we can't feel him near Jesus is always with us but Jesus / God the Father both said they will not leave and they never will no matter what you've done what you've said because God still loves you no matter what God will never leave my side God will never leave my side even in my darkest hours when all seems lost when it feels like just have faith and knowing God is with you always till the end of time I know now I belong to God will never leave me side God will never leave my side no matter what the day brings no matter who tries to bring you down God is with you always and I know for fact God will never leave my side God will never leave my side THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Father God/ Lord Jesus I need your help Father God/ Lord Jesus I need your help but I'm not sure were to begin see there are times when I wonder why you brought me back to life when people try so hard to make me feel unwanted to tell you the truth I still feel unwanted from time to time you know I still think about Adriana every now and then till this day I still blame myself for what happened between us but recently like the day I went to furs with my sister Korrey started texting me I knew my sister didn't want him to know where we were so I told him I was on my way to social security but I had no idea he was there to and that he saw me there but what really tore me apart was when he kept calling and I was listing to 94.9 klty I couldn't hear what he was saying and in order to turn my radio off I had to turn my phone off I tried to tell him that yet he thought I was ignoring him and I wasn't was I? was I really ignoring him not knowing that I was see Father God/ Lord Jesus I need your help Father God / Lord Jesus I need your help I just can't put up with the fear of losing the ones I love including when there like family to me that I just can't stand to see us fall apart but if it's time to let them go if it's really time to say goodbye for good Father God/ Lord Jesus I need your help Father God/ Lord Jesus I need your help case I just don't have it in me to say goodbye for good please Father God/ Lord Jesus I need your help THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 God take me away from this world God take me away from this world fill me with your presence all around Jesus walk with me as I journey this world this life lead the way that brings me back to you Lord Jesus & Father God at this very minuet I just want to say thank you for the bad times I had thank you for opening up my eyes and seeing more than just what's going on I know you have called me for a reason and I believe you have a plan for me that I could never come up with on my own so God take me away from this world take me away from this world when everything seems to come crashing down and I start feeling that life is not worth anything where the truth is life is worth everything and I forget that sometimes because I can not see past the pain I held on to for 10 years straight I know you said to lay down our burdens that you will carry it all when you want to the cares for me and if it's not too late I want to turn everything over to you take away the pain that's loaded up inside the evil thoughts that come to mind just take it all away right now Father God take me away from this world God take me away from this world God take me away from this world Jesus I believe your returning to this world again as king of everything I believe in all you've done for me and you said help me be more like you God take me from this world THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Give Fayth 2 me Remember when you were 9 months pregnant with Fayth and you asked me if I thought you would make a great mouther and I said yes well I still believe you can and will be a great mouther I have no doubt in my mind that you would make a great mouther but then but then I hear about Fayth not being in a good environment I hear a few people are smoking around her and how it's in her system I her she has bruises and I think what is going on over there but what I can't stop thinking about is the fact that you don't want your own daughter and everything she's been going through now I just got to say give Fayth 2 me give Fayth 2 me if all this is really going on and what I heard is true than will you please give Fayth 2 me please give Fayth 2 me I asked God to not let this child die inside you and she made it through now every day and night I'm asking God that Fayth will be in a good environment where shell grow up in a good home and have a happy life I know she is not my child but I will treat her like she is mine case I care for here so please give Fayth 2 me give Fayth 2 me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Feel The Flames Rise Inside me Feel the flames rise inside me feel the flames rise inside me as the anger and pain rushes through my body and every memory plays out like a movie that never ends hearing so many voices in my head always saying one thing and meaning something totally different day after day you been trying to put the puzzle of life together but instead you end up fighting fire with fire till everything explodes right before your eyes and you begin to wonder if all 18 years of your life has just been a waste of time feeling unwanted everything grows dark feel the flames rise inside me feel the flames rise inside me feel the flames rise inside me as the anger, stress. irritation and pain flares up inside yet still even if I wanted to I just can't all because 10 years straight nonstop I just hold everything inside now just feel the flames rise inside me feel the flames rise inside me feel the flames rise inside me as I try so hard to pretend everything is ok when I have no idea what to say or do mainly because no one can make up their mind or even tell me what's going on why people are always worried about me but can never tell me what it is there worried about why can't I let anything go is it because I don't know what it is I'm letting go so now feel the flames rise inside me feel the flames rise inside me feel the flames rise inside me imagine your self-holding everything inside for 10 years pretending your ok when you're not This Song Was Written by Natalie Marie Howell age 18 Typed by Natalie Marie Howell age 18 Everyone has a dream but not everyone works hard 2 make it come true everyone has a dream but not everyone works hard 2 make it come true everyone has a dream but not everyone works hard 2 make it come true people always act differently when their individual's and when there around other people question is why think about it when where individual's we all want to be something and someone in life we all have a goal a dream that we want to follow but than when where around other people we change our tone our action we change our mind about how we see ourselves but why some feel like they can't do anything in this world so they make others feel and believe the same thing unfortunately that's not the case see everyone has a dream but not everyone works hard to make it come true everyone has a dream but not everyone works hard to make it come true so you have this thought that some have dragged someone else down will get you exactly what you been wanting but really it just adds on and it feels like you just can't get it right however as long as your heart and mind is set on a dream that you have and truly believe you can make it come true go for it don't let anyone get in your way case the way I see it is everyone has a dream but not everyone works hard 2 make it come true everyone has a dream but not everyone works hard to make it come true and so these people feel like well is someone else has the same dream as me they can't even pull it off just because I didn't make my dream come true everyone has a dream but not everyone works hard 2 make it come true THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Chained down I wish I could tell you everything is ok I wish I could just be relaxed and happy but I can't I been holding all my anger, pain, stress, hate inside always watching what I say and do its been going on for 10 years straight doesn't matter who or what that's always going on no matter how you look at it I'm always chain down chain down to this dark cold world and can't break free 10 years I been watching what I want to say because every time I say and do something people get worried talk to everyone they know behind my back than call the police on me you do realize I relive every memory I have you think that I don't do anything and won't do anything about what people do and or say to me when actually I'm just holding it all in letting it build up for 10 years' straight now everything has caught up with me and I no longer have energy for life I been broken down and shattered into pieces my world is crashing down all around me which I'm chain down chain down chain down 10 years I been pretending I was ok and to this day I still pretend everything is ok however I just can't keep going on like this tell me can I do anything what am I good for in this world if all I've ever done was being chain down holding back everything I wanted to say and do just because I could never find a way to re word just what I'm feeling inside which brings me right back to being chain down THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Father God how do u see my heart Father God how do u see me I know you look at the heart of everyone you crated so in your eyes how do you see my heart because there are days when I feel like I been on a road that was not meant for me and still haven't changed roads father God I believe in you I believe in your son Jesus Christ and the crucifixion he went through to pay the price of my sin yet somehow I still have this feeling that somethings wrong and I don't know what it is father I trust you with my life and every thing that I am but please father God tell me how do you see me father God how do you see me when you see my heart what does it look like in your eyes is it ok is it good or did it just shatter so many times that it will always be worn out father God how do you see my heart what is it exactly that you see in me that has value to you I know you have a plan for me and I want to carry out that plan but am I on the right road to carry out your plan for me father God how do you see my heart father God how do you see my heart THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 As of now I will never use my voice again you know I had so many people tell me or ask me how I'm doing what's on my mind and what I feel inside they all have asked me about relationships and why I don't have one I tried to tell you vocally but you cut me off I wrote it out 100 different times in 100 different ways and yet you still don't seem to know me instead you rather just tell me story for me though you haven't been with me from the very beginning maybe it's something I said maybe its something I've done but no matter what it is or how many times I try to tell you my life story you just cut me off every time you're worried about me you talk about it behind my back thinking I won't find out and when I do you ask me why I'm pissed I maybe 18 years old and not have a job just yet and not pay any bills at the moment but that doesn't mean I don't have a reason to be stressed out as much as I am I try so hard to pretend I'm ok when I'm not every day I say I'm ok but really I just don't know what to say but I been thinking if all you're going to do is cut me off then all I have to say is as of now I will never use me. voice again as if now I will never use my voice again because I'm just wasting my breath by trying to tell my life story and you just don't care about it until of course I'm pissed and you want to know why once I tell you I hear you have no reason to be mad at me case I haven't done anything to you really you're going to say that to me when I just told you what I was pissed about are you that stupid now I know people worry about me I know they care about me and I appreciate that but if you have any problems that some how involves me in anyway what's so ever and instead of coming to me you just call the police I will have a problem when you tell me to watch what I say why do you always think I'm quite about almost everything and try so hard to be alone it's because if I can't say what I want to say you're basically telling me I can't use my voice now with that said as of now I will never use my voice again as of now I will never use my voice again I don't care who it is or what the situation is my voice clearly doesn't matter at all so as of now I will never use my voice again as of now I will never use my voice again till you can give me a hell of a reason why I should still use my voice till you can stop cutting me off all the time and just listen to me than I will use my voice again but until that day comes all I can say is as of now I will never use my voice again I will never use my voice again doesn't matter what the case is just had enough of this as of now I will never use my voice again THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 moments like this moments like the one I'm in right now is where I wish I could just shut everyone out of my life a moment where I could just be with out anyone in life I don't know what to do right now but more important I don't know who to believe each side has been so convincing on saying whose lying and who's not you know I can't even believe that I don't have to choose who to let go and who to stay friends with though it k**s me inside I know one day everything will just unravel when it doses that day I will just shut everyone out and push people away you think I'm not happy in life there's a reason for that I'm clearly not allowed to be happy apparently moments like this is just tearing me apart case I want to some how bring us all together yet all of you are so wrapped on who did what and who said what all these secrets and lies I don't know bout you but I can't do this anymore watching all go into war telling me it's all going to be ok when every one knows how this is going to end I care so much of all of you and having this painful feeling inside makes it worse moments like this I just got to be left alone that's never going to happen case of moments like this THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Caged up inside all along I felt lost and hopeless left alone in the darkness all I ever did was see nothing but pain, anger stress, hurt all this time when I had to see the ones, I care about just fall apart right before me I tried to say something I tried to do something but I was just caged up inside I always pull back when people desperately tried to start up battles case the pain I'm in but don't want want anyone to know I been told so many times I have a voice that I should use it but I been cut off so many times you don't remember me ever using my voice in fact only time you really know my voice is when I'm singing and once again I'm caged up inside caged up inside caged up inside many times I tried telling my life story yet no one ever listen you just cut me off and go do your own thing talks to people around you laugh bout nothing yet you still bother trying to figure me out why what's the point what is it you're looking for all you'll find is a girl caged up inside trapped in life waiting for only one Savior one king one father to help me here find out who she is what she's mad for a few times shell be caged up inside caged up inside every memory she's ever created flowing through here mind both good and bad times rooming around into deep thought and for what just to find out who she is where she belongs in this life many times I tried writing my life story turned it all into songs through my life will come to an end my story will live on no matter what I maybe caged up inside right now but one day I will come out as the inner me the person I was created to be just needs time to figure that out right now until than I'll be caged inside caged inside caged inside this life you can walk over me take advantage of me but really what your doing is becoming part of my life story that will be known when I'm no longer caged up inside THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 why am I always stuck in the middle? why am I always stuck in the middle? Why am I always stuck in the middle? This battle between the 6 of you is k**ing me inside I can't just stand by and do nothing yet I have absolutely no idea what to do or what to say I hate seeing all go downhill like that's what's going to happen to us how is this battle going to go down whose going to fall apart who's going to stand till the end why am I always stuck in the middle why am I always stuck in the middle I can't decide who to stay friends with because where family not friends and we shouldn't be in this position at all look at us what's going to happen now why am I always stuck in the middle why am I always stuck in the middle you tell me I don't have to decide who to stay friends with and who to let go yet I still have that feeling inside so then why am I always stuck in the middle why am I always stuck in the middle if I hear any of you tell me I'm not stuck in the middle ill start breaking and burning everything in my way why am I always stuck in the middle there's no way out of this battle someone's going to get burned scars will appear some deeper than others so now what's going to happen who's going where will this family stick together or will we all fall apart point is why am I always stuck in the middle why am I always stuck in the middle why am I always stuck in the middle knowing for fact I can't decide who to let go and who to keep I just can't and sitting around wondering what I'm supposed to say or do its k**ing me inside yes I pretend I'm ok all the time but when u put me in the middle of the battle I just can't so than tell me why am I always stuck in the middle why am I always stuck in the middle it's so hard to see u like this and not knowing what to do or say tell me why am I always stuck in the middle why am I always stuck in the middle THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 If God called me if God called me I would answer it the second I saw his name on my collar id it wouldn't matter where I was it wouldn't matter what time it was if God called me I will answer I will listen to his voice I would start talking as if we were face to face and been friends for so long you can say whatever comes to mind but if I had to choose between anything in this world and God I would say good bye world and hello Father God I will always choose God above everyone and everything if God called me if God called I will answer and carry out the best conversation I could and would have in the history of life case God is always with me he is always ready to listen to my heart not one day goes by where he's too busy for me so if God called me I will answer if God called me I will answer in a heartbeat just to hear his voice will make my day to know his coming back one day gives me hope to hold on to this life if God called me to come home that's exactly where I'll go if Jesus called me I will answer and carry out a conversation with him if Jesus called me any time and day I will answer his call because I want to have a real relationship with God the Father & Jesus my Savior so if they called me doesn't matter how if they call me I will answer I will carry out God's plan for me even if it k**s me because if God called me he'll call me to tell me what he wants me to do where he wants me to go who he wants me to talk to and what to say if God called me if God called me I will answer if God called me right now I will open up my heart to him I want God only to take control of my life and lead me to him I can hear so many bad days and even if it doesn't seem like it could possibly be ok I know it will be great yea my emotions might get caught up and reach but really no matter what happens I know I'm not the one in control of my life and I never want to be so yea if God called me I will answer if God called me I will answer I would give up everything I have I would give up my entire life just for Jesus to come into my life and take control of my heart when the dark times come they'll fad away just by talking to God & Jesus having a real relationship with them is the only relationship I want in this life if God called me I will answer if God called me I will answer don't care where I am or what time it is if I ever see God's name on my collar id I will stop everything in a heart beat just to answer his call and have a relationship with him if God called me if God called me if Jesus called me I will answer the call in a heartbeat it can be any time of the day and no matter where I was the second my phone goes off and I see a collar id with God's name on it I would answer that call if God called me if God called me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Maybe I'm not meant 2 know I been thinking a lot lately mainly case there's something on my mind that I just can't seem to get past all along I blame myself for the hell people do to me yet I still don't understand what it is I said or what I did for people to talk about me behind my back or the fact that no one can come to me and I just want to know why case in case you haven't noticed I care so much what people say what people think and I care so much what they feel inside I understand a lot of people say they care when they don't but I put myself in every position every angle and aspect in life I look at all negative and positive to life case if there is any I try so hard not to show what I feel inside maybe I'm just not meant to know anything maybe I'm not meant to know why everyone worries so much about me what if I'm not meant to be in this world but then if I didn't belong anywhere and if I didn't have a purpose in life why than was I bought back to life am I even aloud to feel anything inside guess not case it clearly doesn't matter at all maybe I'm not meant 2 know maybe I'm not meant 2 know anything bout this place maybe I'm not meant 2 know THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 18th b day 3 months 2 weeks I will be 18 I'll leave this place with a smile on my face without a word to anyone 3 months 2 weeks I will be 18 no more putting up with all these little games and listing to he said/she said no more being a target for people to though stuff at 3 months 2 weeks 3 months 2 weeks 3 months 2 weeks I will be 18 I'll leave this place with a smile on my face without a word to anyone and I am not coming back I'm tired of no one listing to me when they just asked me what's wrong telling me they listen and they never do no more nagging about who to trust and who not to trust case the day I hit 18 I will not be in Dallas I don't care if I have to walk out of here I will not be in Dallas 3 months 2 weeks I will be 18 3 months 2 weeks I'll be 18 3 months 2 weeks I will be 18 no more putting up with all this crap people want to through at me no more finding out people are so worried that they can't come talk to me instead they just call the police 3months 2 weeks 3 months 2 weeks I'll be 18 3 months 2 weeks I will be 18 THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Don't ever let go of the ones you love Don't ever let go of the ones you love don't ever let go of the ones you love case the very second you let them go you never know when your goanna see them again or if you'll ever get her back hold on to all the memory's you have with them never let them fade away because you just might forget about them no matter what don't ever let go of the ones you love don't ever let go of the ones you love don't ever let go of the ones you love don't ever let go of the ones you love don't ever let go of the ones you love case it will hurt more than anything you can ever imagine more than hell can burn you eternally trust me had that feeling many times and I still don't even let go of the ones I love don't ever let go of the ones you love don't ever let go of the ones you love no matter what they did to you no matter what they said to you no matter what the case may be just don't ever let go of the ones you love don't ever let go of the ones you love don't ever let go of the ones you love even if you want to even if you feel you have to don't ever let go of the ones you love THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Does it matter what I feel inside I don't know how to explain this feeling inside it's a feeling which I'm not used to because I have family and friends who care for me how ever every time someone ask if I'm ok or what's on my mind I start to tell them than I just get cut off so let me ask you dose it really matter what I feel inside dose it matter what I feel inside you'll just twist my words around so you don't understand what I been trying to tell you for 17 years now just out of curiosity does it matter what I feel inside does it matter what I feel inside even if I started to tell you or if I did tell you at all you wouldn't know it because your too busy cutting me off doing what ever you feel like doing than you ask me again and again like I'm going to change how I feel inside with that said dose it really matter what I feel inside does it matter what I feel inside does it matter what I feel inside or should I just say the first thing that comes to mind you know there are days when I see myself in the mirror and just wish I didn't have a reflection or if I could break the mirror with out people getting worried about me maybe if people could put themselves in my position just like I put myself in their positions or try to anyway than maybe we would all understand where were coming from so now let me just ask you again does it matter what I feel inside does it matter what I feel inside THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 My body is shutting down my body is shutting down and there's nothing I can do about it lately life just gone too fast I can't even get my own thoughts together any more in fact I try so hard to keep up with everything at school and at home that I never realized until now that my body is shutting down my body is shutting down my body is shutting down my body is shutting down yes I'm over worn out and pa**ed every level of tired and weary that I just don't have anything in me anymore I'm completely empty inside when you see hope light, dreams all filled in me my body is shutting down my body is shutting down I try to keep going but now I just pushed myself too far of where it was meant to be so why am I still going on knowing that my body is shutting down my body is shutting down my body is shutting down and when it doses I will no longer be in this life anything I want is for someone anyone to take care of my songs & guitar to live my story for those who did not get to know me or what I was and why I was here and now my body is shutting down my body is shutting down THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Over worn out every day no matter where I am people always push me around and nag me till they get exactly what they want every day people say whatever they can you see what I would do or say they always want me in a relationship because they think I need one apparently it's a extremely big deal but what you don't realize is that all the pain you cause me I hold it inside and write it out you think I'm too stressed but really my body is just over worn out over worn out over worn out the reason why I don't do anything or tell anyone about what people do to me is because I know my God is watching all that's going on and I can go to him always with anything and everything case unlike you my God actually listens to me and hears every word I'm saying he doesn't twist my words around like all do in fact the only thing you ever do for me or to me is making sure I'm over worn out I'm over worn out the next time you see I have hope and strength in me body again you start your games again people think you do it case your hurting inside but I know that's not true even I can feel it u seem to care about is to make sure that I'm over worn out __________ THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I will not run from pain/life So many years have gone by and I am a mess right now everyone always nagging me people always throwing whatever they can find just because they don't have any thing else to do just so you know I will not run from pain/life I will not run from pain/life even when it gets so bad to the point where I can't even breath at all I will still keep walking keep going on till the world comes to its end no matter the battle or war that's going on inside me or around me no matter how many d**hs people face around the world when the only thing you see is evil and darkness keep in mind I will not run from pain/life I will not run from pain/life you can call me whatever you want you can tell my life story for me but you most likely won't get it right at all and when the fire comes I'll be here when everything falls apart I will not run because I will not run from pain /life I will not run from pain/life even if it k**s me inside and out I just won't run THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Credits you have 3 minutes to explain to me why u can't give north Dallas mine and my brothers credits so we can get our f…. diplomas and go on to collage all known for fact I want to be a singer and a song writer come on now what happened to all want all your students to graduate high school and go to college and if you f…. gave up on that you really need some series help I know kids can be stupid and play around and drive the teachers and staff mad but soul help me I will be dammed if you can't seem to give north Dallas my credits and my brothers credits I know u have some common sense now d…. use it less you really want to see full rage of anger which by the way I'm not afraid to f… do just know that when that happens people will come up missing for generations to come I guarantee you that on top of that you realize how f….. hard it is to keep pretending you're ok when you're not now I'm only going to ask you one more time when the hell will you not give north Dallas our credits explain that to me all my paper work we need you gave me why wont you give north Dallas high school our credits like you should've done in the 1st dam place is this your way of saying you want us back case as I see it there's no reason for you to not give north Dallas our credits that we need I been taking gym when I don't need 2 case you haven't given them our f…. credits THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Don't you want 2 see your wish come true do you remember me from 2 years ago it was the day before you moved away and the day after a 35 year old man tried to kiss me I can still hear him say he wanted to f… me just case he hasn't had a girl in a while does this sound familiar at all how about when you held onto me arm and when you said I'm not a true friend that I don't care about anyone else but myself which by the way we both know that's not true at all don't you want 2 see your wish come true don't you want 2 see your wish come true please tell me you remember your wish I believe it went something like this I wish you would regret this day that you will feel bad and you will not sleep case of this day remember my heart stopped that very moment and I was frozen solid all I can say at this time is don't you want 2 see your wish come true come on isn't this what you wanted I mean after all you did want me to suffer and that's exactly what's happening right now in fact I believe if I remember correctly we were near one of the side buildings on the other side of the gate in our complex about 5-10 feet away from the street when you said it so than tell me don't you want 2 see your wish come true don't you want 2 see your wish come true don't you want 2 see your wish come true (guitar solo) _________ __________________________ don't you don't you don't you want 2 see your wish come true don't you want 2 see your wish come true you do you remember the wish don't you remember I do remember it like it was yesterday don't you want 2 see your wish come true THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Mabel your right Adriana Mabel your right Adrianna maybe I'm not a true friend like you said but your wrong about me not caring for anyone else I will always think of others and do my best to make them happy but I shouldn't have to change who I am just to keep others happy maybe your right Adrianna maybe your right Adrianna maybe your right Adrianna your life is not perfect course I never said my life was perfect I know there's many things I wish I could change but I can't and you know what I'm not going to keep pretending I'm ok when I'm falling apart and right now I'm falling apart even now but because of what you said but because I was supposed to be a God mouther to one of my friends child but the baby died at 14 weeks we never did find out if it was a boy or a girl but now were both hurting inside maybe your right Adrianna maybe your right Adrianna maybe? just maybe your right Adrianna but I can't just sit here and act like everything is ok case it's not and I still cry myself to sleep case of it maybe your right Adrianna maybe? your right Adrianna THS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Burned out burned out burned out burned out burned out heat rises up inside me every day I can feel the anger racing around just waiting to come right on out at any given movement but then every thing stops and it all just turns away yet it builds up all the time till finally I'm burned out burned out burned out take a look at me what do you see when you get inside my mind what do you see what do you hear its been said that for someone to treat you like crap you must be treating yourself like crap but what if its the other way around what if you used to like who you where until people put you through hell and what if it got to the point to where? your body is burned out burned out burned out you got so burned out that everywhere you look you see fire rising from the ground you feel the heat coming down and down till you can just picture what hell is than you start telling yourself that's where you're going to go case of the life you lived and so you try to change who you are but it seems like it's too late and now your burned out burned out burned out burned out burned out burned out you want to let go but you can't your trying to figure out why but it drives you mad than you just lose all hope and try to shut your body down but you can't now your burned out burned out burned out THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Walk through fire all I ever do is walk through fire in life I say this because I look around see pain and suffering darkness all around I put myself in everyone's position in every situatuation and when I try to do something when I try to help in any way I can I find myself getting burned than fire rises through my eyes and I start walking through fire I walk through fire walk through fire gives you scars that you can't change pain you just can't let go question's flaring through your mind and you feel alone there's no hope out of this but than you get this small feeling like there's a way out so you sit down and think things through and when you can't figure it out you begin to walk through fire walk through fire you walk through fire because its all you can do and when it's all over you wonder what will people think or say and would I care or not but for now, while I'm still alive in this world I will walk through fire walk through fire the bigger the problem the bigger the fire the more stress the more it explodes yet you keep walking because you walk through fire walk through fire walk through fire it's the only thing you can do at this point so you close your eyes taking the anger and you walk through fire THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 The battle of my heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind every day I try so hard to hold all my pain I try so hard not to show how bad I'm hurting everyone always throwing rocks and what ever else they can find boys always trying to get me in a relationship girls always telling me I need a man in my life to be happy but that's not true I have God right by my side he is all I need to be happy everyone always playing there sick twisted games refusing to see what there doing to me refusing to realize that hurting people just case there hurting is pointless the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind I can't do anything or give you everything you want because I rather focused on my relationship with my Savior and my Heavenly Father but all this nagging asking me for money you know I don't have I just couldn't put up with it anymore that now the battle of me heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my mind is the battle of my heart and it just grows inside every day every time you just put me through hell all the time you know I'm starting to get even worse because people always twist my words around and always calling the police just case they can't come tell me what there so dam worried about always those who are f…. watching me you won't ever fully understand me and whey I do what I do I'm tired of people who can't make up there dam mind of all people who want me to do everything for them just case there too lazy to do it them selves with that said the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind to tell me I don't have a reason to live and to k** me self you have no idea how many times I tried and couldn't but I was hurting weather, you saw it or not weather you believe it or not I was hurting and you know I blame myself for what all did to me and for what you all said to me I still till this day ask myself what did I do or say to you for you to treat me this way just can't take it anymore and now this is what its all come down to the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind when I try to make things work when I try to overcome evil with good I get burned, hurt, scared and shattered I ran out of hope, love peace, faith and so much more its unbelievable and sad as well as disappointing but hey whey should that matter to any of you at all for any reason you wonder why I lost all trust for people whey I hate people so much but still try to love them anyway well take a look at my life put yourself in every position every angle every aspect every decision from small to big than tell me if you can see it now and believe me when I say that the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind you know? I can only do so much at once and work hard to hold back from doing or saying anything I may regret later on in life you say it's pointless to care what anyone else says thinks or dose to someone I think it's sad and disappointing and unbelievable to say that because you're basically saying you don't care if that person lives or dies and if they k**ed themselves you wouldn't care tell you find out the reason they k**ed themselves you to begin with see now whey I said the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind it never ends case you never leave me alone you always bring up what I went through in the past than you wonder why I never let go whey I never forget about it all see all make up one theory after another refusing to listen to my story you don't want to hear a word from me but then when I don't use my voice you wonder why you hit me when you don't get what you want you think it's funny and a game until something goes wrong and you think what just happened what did I do and you look for ways to blame someone else for something you did all do everything to pretend nothing's wrong and move on with your life but you can't now your inside my mind and can't escape now you can see that the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind there's no way around it no way to avoid it no matter how bad you wish you could there's no turning back because the battle of my heart is the battle of mind the battle of my heart is the battle of my mind THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Make everything stop make everything stop just make everything stop case clearly I can't seem to think sight or get my mind together while time goes on thing after another and it just keeps going so when you ask me what's on my mind I always ask you where do you want me to start case me mind isn't organized I can't really think straight unless you make everything stops make everything stop make everything stop you say I'm too young to stress but check back with me when your still wondering why you had battles you regret and wish you could take back but knowing you can't you want me to be relaxed but I just can't not when I got too much to work with and not enough time you always ask why I make everything so complicated when it doesn't have to be step into my mind and less than a min you'll wish someone would eventually make everything stops make everything stop make everything stop make everything stop case it's all just too much to short out while old memory's run around my mind like some short of game that never ends when all you see is the pain you been through and listen to what was said you realize that it's like if you don't give them what they want they'll put you through extrema hell and all you'll be able to say is will someone make everything stop make everything stops make everything stop make everything stop I don't care who does it I just want someone to make everything stop I want to be able to clear my mind with out being interrupted all the time but for that to happen I need someone to make everything stop THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 What did I do you want to know why I do what I do but there's one thing I want to know what did I do what did I do serially what did I do for someone to bite my arm or for someone to through rocks, mettle, footballs what have I done for someone to tell me to k** myself I don't have a reason to live etc. some people say it's because I love to sing even though I'm tone deaf and some people say it's all about relationships and if that's the case let me make this clear if it's about me singing deal with it case I'm not hurting anyone and no one said you had to list ion to me now if it's about relationships let me explain something to you when people put you through hell the love road vanishes into thin air got it now with that said what did I do what did I do case I have no idea you don't realize that all the pain you cased scares me some deeper than others but still I want someone to come tell me what I did for all this I just don't know what did I do what did I do tell me what did I do_______________ tell me just tell me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPD BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I just want 2 clear my mind again ever since I moved away darkness k**ed my body bad memory's flooded my mind and I haven't been the same I try to block it out but its still there and I don't know what else to do I just want 2 clear my mind again I just want 2 clear my mind again I want to find a place where I can be by myself just be able to shut my eyes and go into deep thought without being interrupted once I can't do that here case there is nowhere to go littler I can't go nowhere without people not following me and it's not that I don't want to hang out with you but there comes a point in life where I need to be by myself for a while right now I just want 2 clear my mind again I just want 2 clear my mind again all I want right this very moment is to clear my mind of all thoughts and sleep short than out but I can't do that here not when I have people watching me or talking about me behind my back thinking I would never find out and when I do there lucky I haven't figured out who it is that all I can say is I just want 2 clear my mind again I just want 2 clear my mind again THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARE HOWELL AGE17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Don't feel sorry for me 4 no reason let's get 1thing straight if you're going to sit here and tell me why you feel sorry for me I suggjust you tell what it is your so dam worried about otherwise don't feel sorry for me 4 no reason doesn't feel sorry for me 4 no reason because if you feel sorry for me for absolutely no reason that just says you don't think I can take care of myself at all and we both know that I can so the next time you decide to tell me that you feel sorry for me but you won't tell me whey I'm going to give you something to be sorry about where you end up flying out the window from the 3rd floor try me if you want to let's just see how well you think you know me if I where your id listens to me when I say don't feel sorry for me 4 no reason doesn't feel sorry for me 4 no reason case it's going to come back to you and you yet you wish you had told me from beginning whey, you felt sorry for me and just for the record if it had to do with my disability I would mange case I'm going to live me dream one way or another I'm going to be a singer and a song writer and if you have a problem with that to bad don't feel sorry for me 4 no reason doesn't feel sorry for me for no reason case one-day I will be back and I'll ask you one last time when do you feel sorry for me and if you can't tell me than don't feel sorry for me 4 no reason don't feel sorry for me 4 no reason don't feel sorry for me 4 no reason THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 15 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Every day I wonder why no one can't tell me What's going on don't just don't talk to me at all if you can't come to me and tell me straight up what's going on whey what would be the point on talking? 2 me exactly there isn't and every day I wonder why no one can't tell me what's going one every day I wonder why no one can't tell me what's going on every day I wonder whey no one can't tell me what's going on I always find out from someone else you know what that feels like I start wondering do you really trust me like you say you do do you really trust me like you say? you do please don't tell me I should know case I figure if you can't tell me straight up what's going on I don't have your trust case every day I? wonder why no one can't tell me what's going on every day I wonder whey no one can't tell me what's going on yet they all want to know what's going on through my mind they want to know what I'm up to and where I'm going as if I was going to hurt myself but whey should I tell you anything if every? day I wonder why no one can't tell me what's going on every day I wonder why no one can't tell me what's going on you know what whey does it matter you don't want to tell? me anything that's fine just don't get pissed when I freeze and shut me body off don't get pissed if I turn into flames case every day I wonder whey no one can't tell me what's going on every day I wonder whey no one can't tell me what's going on every day I whey no one can't tell what's going on every day I wonder whey no one can't tell me what's going on THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 There's nowhere else to go it's just not the same anywhere I go there's only one place I could go to clear my mind but now I go back and all I see is me and you fighting the day before you left and now there's nowhere else to go and now no matter what I do no matter where I go all these memories' are running around my mind the 1 question that makes me pissed floats around and through it all what really hurts are when you said I'm not a true friend and maybe your right but than if I'm a really bad friend whey do I have so many never mind that doesn't matter case now that there's nowhere else to go there's nowhere else to go now I haven't slept and when I do I wake up in bad moods and I don't feel like myself any more there's no where else to go there's nowhere else to go no matter where I'm at its just not the same any more if you could only see me now but it's too late there's nowhere else to go there's no where else to go there's just there's just no matter what I do or where I go there's nowhere else to go there's nowhere else to go there's no where else to go THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Someone call the police on me Really.... Really people are being murdered or robbed and all call the police on me just because your worried about me people are being robbed and raped and your worried about me look I know I'm not like everyone else but scarily your going to call the police on me ill tell you what let someone call the police on me someone call the police on me go ahead case with all the hell all put me through I don't care anymore case in the end I'm going to give all something to be worried about something you'll lose sleep over it you want to see the inside of me than go ahead someone call the police on me someone call the police on me case at this point there just going to call in the FBI and if you think for one second I'm going to prison just watch let's just see if your right someone call the police on me someone call the police on me someone anyone just call the police on me and see what happens bet you a thousand dollars I'm not going to jail or prison anyone who wants to take me up on the bet just call the police on me all case your worried about me finally realized how stupid it was to call the police on me for something you could just come talk to me about it and tell me what worries you so much someone someone call the police on me some one calls the police on me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 When you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest oo_____________hmm__________ when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when you feel like you just can't seem to do anything right when every road your on is a dead end and darkness flares all around you just put an end to it all it doesn't have to keep going on like this anymore all the pain and anger you held inside for so long just can't hold back anymore you feel it coming out but it doesn't come out at all I know what that's like case I've been there before all I can say is when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest yea I know it's hard when people tell you to let it out and when you do they make a big deal out of it you feel like you're the reason everything that goes wrong is case of you even when it's not it's still feels that way I know case I've been there before when you watching the people you care about fall apart your asking yourself what did you do where did you go wrong you never? let it go if it feels like your falling apart inside your losses all hope of getting out of a mess of a dark whole that's so deep so far down it hurts you just decide to let go that's when.... when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when people put you through hell and they just won't listen to you just keep going keep holding on case in the end dose it really matter yes it dose but what can I do how can I forget every thing I been through when it keeps coming back tell me when some one through stuff at you when they set you on fire or bite your arm just case you won't give them what they want is that any reason to give any one what they want feeling like you can't do anything right people tell you don't have a reason to be here but you do and I know it's hard and you feel like you just can't pull through with whatever you're going through right now I'm here to tell you when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest that's when you hold on the hardest case your coming to an end you no longer have to put up with the b… s… people try to pull every day when they keep nagging you to the point where you just can't take it anymore just ember when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest that's when you hold on hold back what you want to let out case people just going to keep going even if you don't do anything to them or what they still going to nag you and pull at you till you give them what they want but it's up to you if you're ready to give them what they want it's up to you to decide who you trust and who you can't trust when life gets too hard and you can't stop from k**ing yourself stop and think about the people who care for you think about how they would feel if you k**ed yourself now I know I reached that point I regret trying to k** myself but now is the time where I put an end to it will put an end to all pain in the history of pain life is way too short to start up fights or put people out of house life is to short to not eat ever day life is too short for people to k** other people or rape others and for what does it do for you so next? time you reach this point and if all feels like it's just way too much to handle keep this in mind when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest case you never know what the Lord has instore for you it's hard to see when people crowd around you expecting one thing from anything whey asking you for many like you one of them may begin with or with out people who just can't seem to understand that something you just want to be left alone to think no interruptions for anything but than they drag you in the middle of a fight and you have to decide how its going to end you won't like it but they did get you into it so you just put an end to it all you just stand there like nothing happened but what you're really doing is your putting their anger on top of yours and it just keeps building up people piss me off yet I hold back people let this anger off at me and I figure when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when people can't accept you for who you are accept them just the way they are case there just like you just different reaction it's not easy but still even though you just can't seem to hold on anymore when all hells bout to break loose keep this in mind when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest when all seems lost and all you see the darkness remember this when you feel like you can't hold on that's when you hold on the hardest THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 My home is nowhere to be found my home is nowhere to be found here in this world doesn't matter where I've been or where I'll go in this life my home is not in this world I don't belong in a world filled with anger, pain and hate look around you people are dying there fighting for their life and what do we do we just stand around? like nothing's going on I don't know bout you but I'm not about to sit around and watch another family go through something that they could've avoided my home is no where to be found my home is no where to be found all this time I was living in darkness reliving memory's I wish I never had now I'm breaking free I'm putting an end to all this madness doesn't ask me how case I don't know but I do know that this world could be better if we took care of it but after everything this world has gone through all the wars and small fights my home is no where to be found my home is no where to be found day in and day out I'm still looking still hoping to find a place where I belong but instead I end up at a dead end and if it feels like there's nowhere to go this is why I say my home is no where to be found my home is no where to found people look at me than walk away some piss me off and some just can't make up them mind my home is nowhere to be found THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 What's wrong me what's wrong with me what's wrong with me I know I'm not like every one else but then whey is every one trying to be the same when everyone is different every one is different every one has there own talent so why is it people are trying to be the same one they're not or is there something I just haven't caught on to that I should've caught onto by now clearly something is wrong with me so tell me what's wrong with me what's wrong with me is it the way I look is it case I don't? really want a relationship how bout my anger problem is that what it is or maybe it's the fact that I don't sleep like all do well hey maybe if people would stop fighting laughing, playing around at 4:40 am maybe I would sleep better all this talking about me behind me back like I'm not going to find out this has to come to an end so then can someone tell me what's wrong? with me what's wrong with me what's wrong with me just go ahead and tell me what's wrong with me whey is it that all can't come tell me face to face what your problem is with me yet when I have a problem with someone or something I have to talk about it for get it just tell me right now what's wrong with me what's wrong with me no one knows this but I'm always holding back something I been holding onto for far too long but every time I try to let it out it just can't come out of me at all what's wrong with me what's wrong with me what's wrong with me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 A hole in my soul Every scare you see the anger you feel inside me all the stress I live in case I can't escape from it just created a hole in my soul a hole in my soul through I try so hard to hide my pain I try so hard to pretend I'm ok when clearly I'm not and all it did was make things so much worse by which I mean I now have a hole in my heart a hole in my heart and that just grew bigger tonight when a girl through rocks calling me a b…. and talking about my mom like she met here so now I have a hole in me sole a whole in my sole a hole in me sole a hole in my sole a hole in me soul thinking to myself what did I do to you for you to piss me what did I say or do to you that got you? mad at me know what don't worry about its case once you see the whole inside me all be asking the same thing I'm asking right now what did I do for all this and now? because I relived my pain I have a hole in my soul a hole in my soul in my soul but none of this matters to you dose it all you want is a reaction of anger than when you get your reaction you ask me if I'm ok do you not see there's a hole in my soul a hole in my soul THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Where do I go from here? where do I go from here where do I? from here from a place that feels like my world is about to collapse at any given moment where do I go from a place that seems so dark can't see a thing this is where I'm at right now I reached a point where I don't know what to do where to go or even what to say I get caught up in the middle of every battle where it seems like I could lose every friend I have in this world where it feels like no matter what you say do or go you'll still loose the people care the most about with that said someone tell me where do I go from here where do I go from here where do I go from here case I don't know? before you know it scars start appearing anger starts building up guilt rush around my mind and I wind up reliving all the pain I been through not forgiving myself for anything just case I can't so it seems like I'm at a dead end and don't know where to go I just want to know where do I go from here where do I? go from here where do I go from here what do I say next time I'm in a spot where I have to decide who to let go and who to hold on to what am I supposed to do when I can't find? myself and my heart stops for just a moment case I don't know I mean where do I go from here where do? I go from here where do I go from here where do I go from here THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Don't you ever get tired of fighting don't you ever get tired of fighting tired of risking the lives of the ones you love so much and for what for land popularity tells me why is it people want to fight so much you wonder why there's so many wars its case we can't seem to stop fighting at all doesn't it get old after a while I know I'm tired of watching people die are hearing about someone's d**h all case we can't seem to put aside our differences look everyone is different in them own way just going to have to accept it cases you can't change it so now think about it and tell me don't you ever get tired of fighting don't you ever get tired of fighting people look for many reasons to fight weather its case of cheating lack of communication or if someone you cared about died case of madder and your figure out who the murderer was and you go and k** them tell me how does that make you feel inside? I know for fact I'll feel crampy about it and I would regret it for life is that what you want or do you want peace and friends put away the differences and focus on what you have in command don't you ever get tired of fighting don't you ever get tired of fighting seeing how all it really does is build up along with hate and pain than you find yourself stressed and looking for ways to take it out on people which happens to be fighting what I don't understand is whey I mean don't you ever get tired of fighting don't you ever get tired of fighting THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I can't hold on any longer sometimes it's hard to see where you're going something its hard to look at where you have been feeling like you just can't let go of the pain you been holding in all this time thinking back realizing people only hurt your day in and day out its all we can do but then people will say and do any thing to get you pissed people tell you not to be mad at them for anything they tell you to let your anger out yet they want you to hold it all in and you don't know what to do and all I can say at this point is that I can't hold on any longer I can't hold on any longer holding in but the pain pretending I'm ok web I'm not trying so hard to hid how I really feel case I can't let it out I'm at a dead end and no where to go nothing to say feeling like your trapped in a prison that you just can't get out of look at me I can't hold on any longer I can't hold on any longer I can't hold on any longer I can't hold on any longer I can't hold on any longer even if I tried even if I tried to make things work out it just explodes right before you and your right back to where you started losses, hopeless, scared, hurt broken that's me right this very moment I can't hold on any longer I can't hold on any longer I can't hold on any longer I can't live like this anymore going back and forth trying to find out the truth being pulled left and right not knowing what to do I just gate stop breathing for a while just to shut my body down while this war goes on for years and still don't get any where that finally I just got to say I can't hold on any longer I can't hold on any longer no matter what I do I can't hold on any longer THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 This has to end now this has to end now I'm tired of seeing people k** themselves case people couldn't leave them the hell alone and you think there not going to take serially well we do imagine if you were on the other end and someone kept thronging stuff at you kept calling you names making you feel like you have no reason to live and most importantly to tell someone to go k** themselves what the hell is wrong with you of course there going to take that serially case they feel you where write so than you find out they k**ed them selves and turns out they k**ed themselves case you couldn't leave them the hell alone all I know is this has to end now this has to end now I don't give a dam what your f…. situation is and I really don't give a f…. what your problem is in fact you really want to release your anger out at someone don't care who it is you want to release your anger out at someone come find me but don't you dare make people feel that they should k** themselves because they will I know case I been down that? road I know how it feels so believe me when I tell you this has to end now this has to end now your may think this is finny but tell that to the families who lost their children because all of u b…. want to so call play around and make people feel unwanted than what you can't take and now you realize this has to end now THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Friends will turn their back on you never work for a friend no matter how close they are to you case you will regret it I did I baby sat for here 3 daughters it was a nightmare and I never got paid for it and when she did pay me she only paid me for the 1st time so trust me when I say friends will turn their back on you friends will turn their back on you they will walk out on you and hurt you deeply not knowing it the 2nd time I had to watch here 3 daughters I went home with a major headache thinking it would be ok case shell pays me back soon and yet she never paid me like she said she would that's when I began to lose all trust for anyone and everyone because friends will turn there back on you friends will turn there back on you friends will turn there back on you no matter who you are or where you go some point in time friends will turn their back on you and then what would you still trust them I don't now I have a major problem trusting people all because of what happened to me friends will turn their back on you friends will turn their back on you THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm letting go of me life all the pain I been living in for so long seeing nothing but darkness its time I moved on and turned away from all this anger and stress so I'm letting go I'm letting go you can hit me call me names and play your little games but your just not worth my time and its pointless to keep feeling like I don't belong when I know there's a home I could go to when I leave this world you all will be hired but when is it ever easy to not do or say what you really want to do and say but when you think about it and realize it will never end unless you change turn around and head for home so I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm letting go whey holds on to something that's not worth my time or that does not help me in any way at all exactly there's no point at all now I don't know bout you but I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm turning my life around and I'm heading home where I know for fact its where I belong I'm letting go of all my anger inside I'm letting go of all the pain aggregation irritation case it's just pointless to keep it all inside you can hurt me as many times as you want but ill always be here to accept you for who you are to love you for you and be friends even if you talk about me behind my back hoping I won't find out I'm letting go I'm letting go I'm letting go of everything I'm starting all over only this time no matter what you do to me it will be ok ill still be here for you when you hurt inside I'll still be here for you when you hurt inside I'm right here to help in any way I can THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I lived in taxes for 2 long I lived in taxes for far 2 long for the past 17 years I been in teas almost 18 years once 4 months 2 weeks comes around and though I did have some good times here in taxes depending on where I was or where I am right now I also had way too many bad memories' here and for that reason I want to leave taxes I don't want anyone to feel like I don't want to hang out with them or see them ever again because that's not true I basically want to leave taxes simply because I lived in taxes for 2 long I lived in taxes far 2 long I do have a state in mind as to where I want to live and that is organ with my step cosign and here mom or in Minnesota where it gets down to the negatives in the winter many times I tried to find a way where I could talk this out without feeling/ knowing you would be hurt I just couldn't do it I will say this though every chance I get and if our schedule works out perfect for all of us I will come down to visit however, I cannot make any promises and if you ever need to talk I'm only a phone call away but I lived in taxes for 2 long I lived in taxes for 2 long I lived in taxes far 2 long and my memory's of taxes will never far away even the ones I want 2 forget I lived in taxes far 2 long THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 To young 2 stress I maybe to young 2 stress but it's a little to late not to be stressed after all look at what people put me through if there not throwing anything at me there calling me names and irritating the crap out of me I mean if I don't give people what they want they'll hit me and make me feel unwanted so tell me I'm to young 2 stress to young2 stress to young 2 stress you should've thought about that before you put me through hell now I try so hard to hold my anger in to keep my grades up as much as possible I try not to be mean to people but when I get to the point where I could just beat the blood right out of you and I'm to young 2 stress I'm 2 young 2 stress I'm 2 young 2 stress I'm to young 2 stress I maybe young but I'm full of anger hate, pain, stress and don't know what to do with it at all now this is what I am and if you want to tell me I'm to young 2 stress I'm to young 2 stress I'm to young 2 stress tell me would you not be stressed as well as? I am when people keep playing their twisted games thinking its funny when its clearly not once you know what I'm going through would you than say I'm to young 2 stress I'm to young 2 stress I'm to young 2 stress every day my eyes burn with anger yet it can never come out all case I'm stressed I know I'm to young 2 stress I'm to young 2 stress THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Do you really want 2 talk 2 me? so you come to visit people that seen you in so long people who have contact with you but you don't bother to call or text me you don't write letters and there anyway I could get a hold of you was through Facebook but after you stopped talking to people on fb I losses contact with you now I'm just wondering do you really want 2 talk 2 me do you really want 2 talk 2 me I hired you got a job also herd you went to jail for stealing do you really want 2 talk 2 me do you really want 2 talk 2 me case it seems like you just want to cut people out of your life there's so much I just want 2 say so much I want 2 know but if I can't get a hold of you at all than I wonder do you really want 2 talk 2 me? do you really want 2 talk 2 me case? if you did you would know what's been going on around here but then I understand you could just be busy with work but I would figure you would try to get a hold of me as soon as you could so tell me do you really want 2 talk 2 me do you really want 2 talk 2 me or should I just cut you out of my life _____ I can't do that even if I wanted to and I don't I just wish we could talk more catch up on everything that's been going on I been counting down till my 18th b day for a reason do you really want 2 talk 2 me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 My life is over (whistle)___________________ my life is over my life is over me life is over my life is over my life is over it doesn't matter what I do it doesn't matter where I go and it doesn't matter what I say because it's clear this world doesn't need me there's nothing here for me to do in fact everything I do is wrong can't seem to do anything right even if I tried I'm all alone I can already see how my life will be and it's a little like this my life is over my life is over my life is over me life is over just when I thought I found a way out just when I had a little belief my life could change it all vanished in less than a million second and I'm right back to where I started losses and helpless it's me felt people die I'm the reason people are hurt every day it's all case of me and now my life is over my life is over my life is over my life is over there's no reason for me to be here anymore been in depression for far too long buried in scares that can't be renewed I'm now broken and shattered into pieces to continue on would just make everything worse case my life is over my life is over my life is over my life is over me life is over I clearly can't be mad at anyone for anything I can't do any thing where people hit me you wonder whey and yet I'm still at a dead end can't go anywhere can't do anything my life is over my life is over my life is over my life is over THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I stand alone I stand alone on thousands of things but when I just went through some thing I never thought I'd never hear when you took credit for something I did tell me what the hell where you thinking than you have me do all the work in 8th period while all do yells own thing you know what keep it up because now I stand alone I stand alone in everything when it comes to this school let me tell you whey I do my work try hard to keep my grades up and on group projects even though I mainly do all the work I let all put your names on there so all would not fail clearly that was a mistake and I won't let it happens again so the next time you decide to take credit for something I did and tell me in me face I didn't do anything you best believe that now I stand alone I standalone I stand alone if you start to notice and your willing to change and work with me I'll let you back in but if you're just going to treat me like this it was nice knowing you oh wait no its not in fact, I'll be better off without all of you don't bother coming to me for another project case I'm not going to go through this again to make sure this never happens again I stand alone I stand alone I stand alone why should I work with you if you're going to 1 tell me I didn't do anything 2 take credit for something I did do and tell the teacher I didn't do anything if I recall nether of you came up with anything on your own you just wanted me to tell you what to write and let me see you scratch my name off the project and ill be sure to release all anger I held inside for so long then when you start to ask me whey I'm mad before you can even tell me I have no reason to be pissed at you you'll be in a coma for 6 years and when you wake up the 1st person you'll see is me as your worst nightmare you may not see it right now but trust me when I tell you my anger line just broke and now I stand alone I stand alone I stand alone I don't need any of you in my life didn't need you before and I sure as hell don't need you now I'll talk to you the same way you talk to me so don't even go there and tell me how I should and should not talk to you case the way I see it unless all get this tightened out from now on I stand alone I stand alone I stand alone you come near me ill break away I won't open up to you at all and I will not put up with your problems I will not let you stress me out case I have enough stress as it is I'm not about to let you make it worse so now I stand alone I stand alone I stand alone I stand alone and I always will know it doesn't bother me case ill rather be alone than to be with someone who can't do a project themselves and always expect me to give out everything and do all the work you know what next project that comes around I'm not going to do a dam thing I'm just going to make you do it all on your own don't ask for any help case I won't help you after all I stand alone THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Can't seem to wrap my mind you know what I can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that people can't shut up and listen to me than they ask me what's wrong with me they follow me everywhere I go they keep nagging me about relationships as if it where the world's biggest situation right now it's like no matter what I do I can't seem to do anything right what ever I say or do it turns into an explosion and I feel like everything is my felt that whatever goes wrong it's all case of me but than people tell me that I'm here for a reason that what ever goes wrong is not case of me and now I'm sitting here wishing someone would tell me what to do where can I go is there a place for me to go case right now I feel like I fell into a dark whole and can't escape I look around and all I can see is everything I ever been through and wonder what have I done wishing I could take it all back knowing I can't just get me wondering where do I go from here tell me where to go case I don't know I don't know where to go what to say or even how to react at this point and I just can't help but wonder whey did I do what I did whey did I say what I said whey did I react that way I wonder what? would happen if I just didn't do anything including breathing if I just accepted everything mad everyone happy somehow what would happen to me where would I be THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE18 Explain why you can't talk 2 me explain why you can't talk to me someone explain this to me case I don't understand it at all see you want me to talk to people I can trust when something's bothering me you want me to talk about it but but when I'm just talking to a friend doesn't matter who it is or how long I talk to them someone ends up calling the police on me and every time they tell me they got a call case all are so dam worried about me you know what they can't all just shut the f** up and leave me the hell alone its clear you're not going to tell me what your problem is with me when your concerned about me for whatever reason you won't tell me face to face so then with that said explain why you can't talk 2 me explain why you can't talk 2 me know what forget it you won't talk 2 me why the hell should I talk to any of you and yes? you can forget about me saying goodbye case I'm just going to leave without a word it may hurt some of you but you can thank who ever called the police on me last night case now I'm done talking and if you ever want me to talk to you again than explain why you can't talk 2 me explain why you can't talk 2 me explain why you can't talk to me yet you want me to talk to you all the time I don't care what the situation is I don't care if I was on fire again in fact I would just stand there and burn all you people who said you were going to k** me go ahead I'm standing right here I'm not going anywhere explain whey you can't talk 2 me explain whey you can't talk 2 me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Where did life go waking up feeling like you just don't want to wake up at all not having energy to do anything to go any where or even to say a word finding yourself asking where did life go where did life go no one around to see or talk to no one to get a hold of feeling like your all alone that's what I feel every day even though I know I have family and friends but it won't be long before there all gone nowhere to be found and all you can see is your world your life crashing down on you the only question that keeps coming to mind is where did life go where did life go where did life go nothing to do nowhere to go looking for a way out of this mess but there isn't one feeling all alone thinking no one can find you just can't take it any longer all the explosions you had inside everything you held inside just couldn't hold it anymore so you finally break now your wondering where did life go where did life go where did life go what happened to everyone and every thing buildings crashing down and all you can ask is where did life go where did life go THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I will never be ok why does all ask me if I'm ok when you pissed me off and I'm already hurting as it is I keep telling you I will never be ok I will never be ok I watched all me friends walk out on me I losses a friend before she walked out on me which left me in depression and to make it worse I losses my God child and I never found out if it was a boy or a girl that's whey I said I will never be ok I will never be ok I will never be ok I lost all trust for half the people I know I'm getting tired of people always asking whey, I'm mad and if I'm mad at them case they should already know that yet I have to explain it day in and day out so do you understand now whey I always said I will never be ok I will never be ok I will never be ok not like this I won't be and as long as this continues I might as well act like I'm ok when I'm not but the truth is I can't keep pretending I'm ok whim I'm not I'm tired not being able to sleep I'm tired not eating just case I'm not in the mood but that doesn't matter at all to your now dose it so you know what I will never be ok I will never be ok I will never be ok I will never be I will never be I will never be ok THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 The one-day hope came into this world This time of the year is the most amazing time of the year on this very day you came into this world to live a sinless life to lead us all out of the darkness you gave so much all out of love but you also gave us hope again a hope that gets us through life no matter what the pain is this is the day hope came in to this world I remember reading your word about loving enemies and treating others, the way you wanted to be treated most of all I ember reading where you said you didn't come for the rightists instead you came for the sinners to give us another chance to have an everlasting life with you if only we believe out of that you find hope so it's this time of the year where hope and love came into this world people changed some for the better some for the worse but those who changed for the better can and will tell their story about how you came into their life it all comes back to this day the day hope came into the world the day hope came into this world we are no longer the same our hearts have changed when you took over this is the day hope came into the world THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 What happened 2 us everyone just shut the f** up and listen Kory I don't care what Terry reminds you of he is not like your step father or anyone in your family who has hurt you I'm not taking sides so don't give me the bull s… about whose side I'm on Cherelle you have to wake up and look at what's going on I know you and Kory have a daughter and Fayth needs both her mouther and father but are you really going to risk losing your whole family just to be with Kory please don't tell me I'm choosing sides case really I don't want to shut you guys out of my life Marissa, Suzan, Terry I know all are hurting inside your all tired of the bull s… that goes on between all of your hell I'm f…. tired of watching all of you go into a bloody war because all can't seem to accept each other for who all are and that k**s me if God is mad let him take it out on me let me be the one to go down in flames case there's nothing I can do to get all to get away so if God is pissed bout what's going on please let him take it out on me I know one day I would have to choose between all and I know if we gave up it will be painful case as I'm weighting this out I'm creating a beyond blood both inside and k**ing my self continually you just won't be able to tell for a while case I won't show it but trust me when I say I'm destroying myself on the inside right now case of all these lies and secrets all this talk about leaving or k**ing your self I tried so hard and hoped for as long as I could that one day you all would just get along and accept each other for who you really are now I keep thinking and after hearing all of you I'm sorry can't do this anymore Cherelle, Korrey & Fayth I'm sorry as much as this all k**s me I am aware that once I say this you will not allow me to see Fayth ever again and we can't ever see here again but this is where I tell you I can't keep this up anymore this is where I leave this world and not come back go ahead try to talk me out of it give me a hell of reason to believe that this is over that you all can get along and accept people for who they are case as of now there's nothing I can do I told all before that I could never choose between all that it would k** me inside if I had to countless times I had this feeling and now this day is coming I was just hoping I was wrong and that we could all just get along by the way Cherelle your dad was hitting on me and you can tell him to stay out of my life for good sorry but this is what it's come down to if there was something I could do something I could say for all to just accept each other for who all really are I would but I can't force you to put up with anyone you can't seem to deal with right now all I know is I will never be the same again I will put up with a lot ill even put up with some of the we say to each other and do to each other but now that it's all come down to this I got to leave this world I got to leave this world I can't put up with this like I said before if God is pissed please let him take it out on me case I cannot stand by and watch all get hurt again I'm already with pain/anger/stress etc. but all have a daughter together and one day she's going to know who we all are and whey you can't let here come see us anymore how do you think Fayth will react when she learns the whole truth bout what was said and done she would most like be distressed but hey its not like all could just easily accept each other just to stay friends and here I thought family cares supposed to stick by you though everything I thought family do one of the most important thing in life but look at us now whey all of us is falling apart and as for me I'm starting a blood bath inside what happened to us what have we all done for this I don't know about you but I'm sorry for everything God I'm sorry for what was said and done I'm sorry we no longer can stay together like a family once again I've let you down and I'm sorry for breaking your heart again THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I'll always be standing I put up with a lot as you can problem tell I put up with people calling me names and toughing stuff at me ill even put up with people setting me on fire but no matter what you do or what you say doesn't matter how many times you hurt me or try to break me down I'll always be standing ill always be standing even when I walk or find myself in fire even when I'm in my darkest hour it will always be ok case no one in this life is in control you can get caught up in this world or you wake up look at what's going on all your doing is ending family's by taking the people away from them you know I try so hard to stay strong when everything is just crashing down I try so hard to pretend I'm ok when I'm not but even then I'll always be standing even when I fall or mess up ill always be standing you know what I can't understand why do we all look for a reason to hate each other some people madder other people others commit suicide or attempt to commit suicide because they feel like they don't have a reason to live wonder where that feeling comes from but mainly whey can't people accept people 4 who they are is it that hard to do if all you had to do in life was accept each other for who they are on the inside but even then maybe if people would just listen for once I know how bad this economy has been and still is I know that we don't have a good government or president for that matter but you know what other people have it so much worse we steel have freedom some people don't you know what k**s me more than anything is seeing people out on the streets and families who can't eat every day or at all for that matter I wish there was something I can do but right now I just feel useless but even so I'll always be standing because I'm not alone in this life I have family/friends who care for me and love me for who I am but most of all I have a Father king/ Savior/friend who will never leave my side no matter what I've done even if I failed many times his always here with open arms I'll always be standing I'll always be standing docent matter how broken I am doesn't matter what I feel case I'm not the one in control for that reason, I'll always be standing I'll always be standing even if you k** me with words or actions I'll always be standing ill always be standing THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Take me away from this world I have no more energy inside me I don't feel anything anymore I'm not aerated not mad not happy or sad I just don't feel anything anymore maybe I'm over stressed maybe I'm over worn out what ever it is now its like I could just shut down and not come back so go ahead take me away from this world take me away from this world I don't care where as long as its quite and I was left alone instead of listing to people fight all the time day in and day out instead of hearing about people talking about me behind my back and then call the police on me don't ask me whey I'm pissed how about your fogger it out I hired so many times come ask anything but I don't ask anything cases I'm afraid I don't ask anything case nobody knows don't you dare sit there and tell me I'm wrong case I still remember no one bothered to tell me I had a new case manager so when I ask about it nobody knows what's going on or who's in charge of what then all of a sudden I'm just supposed to know everything when no one bothers to tell me about it so please take me away from this world case I just can't take it any more there's nothing I can do nothing I can say anymore every day I relive memory's even if you can't tell I'm always relieving memory's whey case I still force everything inside every day I come to a school in which I try to make work but all I do is get burned sometimes I don't see a reason to be in this world anymore go ahead freak out call fib's most wanted tell the world that a girl has been holding everything inside all the pain she has kept inside and now she's just letting it all out short of look I know I have a voice but this voice of mine just keeps getting cut off now if there's nothing more someone anyone please just take me out of this world take me out of this world don't tell me all this bull S…. about how you want me around and need me case truth is some of you want me dead I just can't figure out when you haven't k**ed me yet no one can't seem to tell me what there problem is maybe I just wasn't supposed to be here I don't know what to believe so don't ask me please just don't ask me anything instead just take me out of this world take me out of this world it would just be better if I left this world so please take me away from this world THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I'll find out one way or another really! what the hell did you're not think I would find out clearly not look I had enough if your trying to convince me to stay at this school you just took a major step in the wrong direction don't play stupid with you both know what I'm talking about if all have something that involves me in any way whatsoever COME TALK 2 ME ABOUT IT BUT DONT YOU DARE TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK case I will find out ill find out one way or another ill find out one way or another doesn't matter from who or where I'll find out one way or another so before all 2 ask me what's wrong with me you better think real hard as to whey I might be turning dark red YALL WONDER WHEY I HATE THIS SCHOOL SO DAM MUCH what's bad is I came from Dallas I was born died and born again how I came back is unbelievable Arlington was far better than this and yes I go back in a heart beat but you make the time to talk about me behind my back keep in mind I'll find out one way or another I'll find out one way or another I'll find out one way or another I'll find out one way or another THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I'm sorry for everything I'm sorry for everything I'm sorry for everything for not being a true friend and for always getting mad at people when they case me pain but that's going to end right now go ahead through what ever you want I bodily can't do a thing about it I'm sorry I ever had feelings in the 1st place for being full of hope and dreams I don't know what I was thinking when I wanted people to see what there doing to me and making me feel like I don't belong in this world like I can't do anything right I'm sorry for everything I'm sorry for everything just listens don't say a word just let me talk I'm sorry I make people laugh I'm sorry people come to me when there hurting but in the end you don't need or want me here and I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything I'm sorry for everything I'm sorry for everything for all the hurt I caused you know I was thinking your right I'm not a true friend I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you wanted I'm sorry I thought that some of you would change but I can see now that's never going to happen no matter where I am or where I go I just want all to know one thing, I'm sorry for everything I'm sorry for everything I______________ I'm sorry for everything (guitar solo) _______ all the pain I cased all the people I trusted and shouldn't have trusted I'm sorry I'm sorry _____________ Sorry______________ _____ I'm sorry for everything THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 What are all so dam worried about what are all so dam worried about what are all so dam worried about that you can't f…. tell me face to face when you see something wrong that somehow involves me you go around telling everyone else but you can't tell me yourself face to face I always have to find out from someone else and all want me to tell you everything all always want to know what I'm up to and where I'm going you want me to say some thing when something is bothering me yet all can't come face to face just to say some b…. has been following me so then tell me what are all so dam worried about what are all so dam worried about you think you know me but you don't take the time to listen to the song I've written or just physically talk it out I'm supposed to know everything tell me how that working out for you will someone tell me what are all so dam worried about what are all so dam worried about you know what I'm done with this if you don't want to tell me a dam thing fine but don't expect me to tell you all about the hell people put me through in fact maybe its best no one understood who I am and what I want to do with my life just tell me what are all so dam worried about what are all so dam worried about forget it this is f…. pointless case all just don't give a f… about me you always say you do but you don't so I'm going to ask again what are all so dam worried about what are all so dam worried about THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I just want to be left alone Right now I just want to be left alone I want to find a place where I could just be left alone I want to find a place where I belong to go somewhere where I'm accepted just the way I am many times I walked this place seen people hurting while trying to fight every battle that comes my way trying so hard to accept people for who they are but I must be doing some thing wrong but now I just want to be left alone I just want to be left alone I went to find a place where no one will follow me I want to be surrounded by nothing except for nature its self to find myself once again I'm all cross wired with the thoughts that Rome around in me mind I want to go to a place where there's no more pain a place where I'll be accepted for who I am on the inside can't be around city life much longer case all it does is tear me apart and so now I just want to be left alone I just want to be left alone I want to go to a place no one will follow I want to go to a place where ill only be surrounded by nature, somewhere where its quite I want to find a where there is no more pain and if that means you gate take me out of this world I'm right here waiting at the same time I just want to be left alone THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIRE HOWELL AGE18 Trapped in life ah________________________ someone tell what's going on where am I supposed to go what am I? supposed to do case it seems like no matter what I do or where I go no matter what happens I'm always doing or saying something wrong than when I don't do anything or say anything it's like I was meant or supposed to now I don't know what to do or say case people can't make up their mind and I just feel trapped in life can't escape I'm at a dead end without a single place to be left alone now I stand here overserves everyone's pain and anger while pushing and shoving all my pain and anger down and keep it all inside I know it's not good for my body but I feel trapped in life trapped in life all I feel is darkness all around feeling all alone no one to talk to no one to see all the pain in the world is what I feel right now if not extremely close you know and if people want to k** me whey wont they what is it that they won't k** me like they want to I just put up with it anymore now I just feel trapped in life trapped in life trapped in life and this letting memories fade away to me is bull s… case every time I try to forget it all just want to f…. bring it right back up which is stupid in the 1st dam place and for the f… record if you would stop running like all do and for once stand still see what happens maybe you wouldn't be asking me when I don't do anything to any one at all it's just comment sense use it b…. THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Hell on Earth look around what do you see you know what I see I see hell on earth day in and day out everyone always fighting everyone being k**ed or committing suicide, I see family's hurting inside families who are out on the street and to me that's hell on earth hell on earth every war every battle all for what life is far too short to be causing pain and anger we should all be working together to make this world a beautiful place and you want to sit here and judge others by the way we look by how we act and most of all by our differences now tell me is all this worth anything didn't think so with that said let me just clarify this everyone is different and everyone is special in their own way so if I where you I would stop casing hell on my earth hell on earth hell on earth hell on earth you wonder why you can never see anyone on the inside that's case your far too busy judging others or your casing some kind of trouble that you can't see what's on the inside you don't take time to know the person you don't study them you just take one look at them there's 90% people k** themselves case of that but you don't care and for that all I can say is its hell on earth hell on earth hell on earth hell on earth look around you what do you truly see the ground splits in half and fire rises through the ground as darkness closes in and you're feeling like you just can't escape and it seems like hell on earth hell on earth hell on earth just remember you brought hell into this world and I will not put up with this any longer I will not live in this world as long as hell is on earth hell is on earth THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I don't know anymore I have heard so many things about how to deal with anger but it seems like no matter what I do I can't do anything ... now I reached a point where I don't know any more I don't know any more I don't know what to say, do or go any more case it seems like no matter what I do someone somewhere always seems to make a big deal out of where I go what I do and who I talk to like I can't decide for myself as to who I am and can't trust but you need to let me live my life.... I don't know any more I don't know any more I don't know any more I see myself as a girl covered in scars and lonely case I'm just tired of all the crap all put me through I have reached a point where I wanted to give up where life didn't matter 2 me any more but even now I still feel like giving up but I won't for those who believe that this is what I'm meant to do but at the same time I don't know any more I don't know any more you can ask day in and day out what's wrong and all I'm going to say is I don't know any more I don't know any more (guitar solo) -------------------------------------------------------- THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Tell me what I've done 4 this can someone tell me what I've done? 4 this tell me what I've done 4 this what did I do to you for you to? piss me off by thronging stuff at me and trying 2 get me in a relation ship and I'm tired of playing your games so you want 2 keep going go ahead I dare you but first tell me what I've done 4 this all I want 2 know at this moment is I've done 4 this if its case I love singing and writing with a pa**ion tell me whey is that such a big deal to you if it's case of a relationship someone please k** me case I shouldn't have 2 go through this over a relationship no one should 4 that matter with that said tell me what I've done 4 this tell me what I've done 4 this case I don't have any idea I'm sitting here trying 2 fogger it out but I just can't seem to understand it at all so please anyone just tell me what I've done 4 this tell me what I've done 4 this did I ever through anything at you.... did I hurt you so deeply? like I have been 4 years tell me what it is tell me what I've done 4 this tell me why I have 2 give my number 2 you tell me whey its such a big deal to be in a relationship tell me what I've done 4 this tell me what I've done 4 this THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATLIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 My time in Dallas My time in Dallas My time in Dallas is the worst place to spend my time the 4th day I moved here a boy who doesn't know me through a bike at me and thought it was funny 10 minuets later 2 boys came and said " ugly white b…." I ran after them and they left the apartments me in Dallas my time in Dallas my time in Dallas gets worse I enrolled to a school that doesn't have choir and that k**ed me instantly inside now I cry myself 2 sleep and every day try so hard to hold it all inside but than you have people that don't know when to shut up and leave me alone people who hasn't gotten the message yet I don't know what to tell you case my time in Dallas is unbelievable in fact the whole Dallas system is stupid and I don't want 2 be a part of it I try to make things work but that's just not going to happen like this my time in Dallas my time in Dallas my time in Dallas is messed up in so many ways on so many levels that it should be destroyed and made into a statue and until that happens I don't have a lot to say except my time in Dallas my time in Dallas my time in Dallas is far too impossible and feels like it's never going to end my time in Dallas THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Love & Forgiveness the two things I need help with every day trying so hard yet still feel un wanted & wanted at the same time love & forgiveness the 2 things everyone should have yet where all so caught up in this world it's time to open your eyes and look at what's going on around you are this how you want to live filled with anger & hate looking for any reason to start another war and for what do you get out of this don't you ever wonder what it would be like to be filled with love & forgiveness love & forgiveness love & forgiveness just think of what the world would be like if we all just put aside us differences and instead of hating each other go the other way be filled with love & forgiveness people wouldn't be murdered people would work together for once in a life time if only we where all just filled with love & forgiveness love & forgiveness even when things get hard and you feel like you fall into darkness just get back up and look at what you have in your life together we will defeat the darkness and pain that's inside us when where filled with love & forgiveness love & forgiveness THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 You can't take music away from me music is a part of me you take that away and I'll be lost for good singing is my world there's no point on breaking it or trying 2 case you can't take music away from me you can't take music away from me you can't take music away from me and still expect me to be ok and I think I speak for all who are just like me when it comes from the fact that they have a pa**ion for music like me and wouldn't give it up for the world you can't take music away from me you can't take music away from me no matter what you do or what you say music is always apart of me it's what makes me who I am without music I'm nothing and so if you don't understand by now whey I sing all the time whey I love to write you can't take music away from me you can't take music from me it wouldn't matter how much money you gave me it wouldn't matter what you said or did you may take my home and still wouldn't give up music for this world you can't take music away from me you can't take music away from me even if it k**ed you even if it gone through war you can't take music away from me you can't take music away from me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Whey can't people just accept people 4 who they are whey can't people just accept people 4 who they are everyone is different and that's just the way it's going to be there's nothing we can do to change so why not use are differences to help each other instead of making others feel like they don't belong in the world all this fighting all these wars what good comes out of it and think bout it so than can anyone tell me whey can't people just accept people for who they are whey can't people just accept people for who they are look around you can you not see what's going on around every day people are hurting case they feel like they don't belong in this world like there's nothing we can do in this life time so we try so hard we do everything we can to fit in this world yet we still fill like life is pointless and all I want to know is why can't people just accept for who they are whey can't people just accept people for who they are life is too short to be looking on the outside of a person but to look on the inside of a person that's what really matters with that said whey can't people just accept people for who they are whey can't people just accept people for who they are whey can't people just accept people for who they are THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 15 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE18 I wish there was something I could do to take Your place you know I was extremely worried that I would not get to say good bye and the two days that I might have seen you for the last time there was so much I wanted to tell you and I just couldn't find my voice all I could do when I saw you knowing you don't have much time is what your feeling thinking just seeing you makes me wish I could just stay right there by your side not leaving you at any moment for any reason at all its hard to not think of what will happen when your gone where will we all be in life would we be the same or would we change now you're the only one on my mind and I wish there was something I could do to take your place if there was a way I know you'd be in a better place but losing someone you love is never easy getting over and the pain just shatters you inside and out not knowing what to do where to go or what to say I just wish there was something I could do to take your place I wish there was something I could do to take your place we try to stay strong we try to be as happy as we can for you but when I look into your eyes I melt down inside but I hold it in back in Dallas then I just let it flow on out of me if I could just say one thing it would be I wish there was something I could do to take your place I wish there was something I could do to take your place knowing what I know now this may be the last time I can say this I love you and miss you every day THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Just wish u where by my side I will still become a singer and a song writer case I know you wouldn't want me to just give up on it just wishes you were by my side to see what I accomplished in life to see the woman I became in this world I'd give anything to see your one more time before you were gone to a better place I won't ever for get you and if I had any wish that would come true my only wish is that just wish you were by my side just wish you were by my side wish I could've seen you more than what I did and if I had the option if people would let me I would walk all the way down there just to see see though I'll miss you deeply I still keep going forward just wish you were by my side what will I do when your gone where will I be when your gone I honestly don't know only time will tell all I can say right now is that I just wish you where by my side just wish you? where by side just wish you where by my side though times seem hard and I now all I can say is I just wish you were by my side THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I will walk 2 your grave every day since I found out your time has come to leave this world I try to look at the bright side knowing you'll be in a better place a place where there's no pain what's so ever I try so hard to not cry my self to sleep but not knowing how much longer you have knowing I might not get the chance to see u one last time just to say good bye for the last time it is the main reason whey I just can't help but break down and cry no matter where I am it's bad enough I couldn't come see you regular like I wanted to but now that your time has come to an end what will happen to me where would I be in life case I don't know trying not to miss you so much makes things worse and if I have to I will walk to your grave just to see you I will walk to your grave weather I walk in heals or I walk barefoot I will walk to your grave just to see you one last time if I could I would take your place in a heartbeat but believe me when I say I will walk to your grave and that's a blood promise I'm not asking for anyone's permission I'm saying I will walk to your grave I will walk to your grave even if it means I have to fight people who stand in my way I will walk to your grave I will walk to your grave bare foot or in heals I will walk to your grave THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 NATALIE MARIE HOWELLAGE 18 3 times I tried but couldn't I got to the point Where I wanted to but I just can't 3 times I tried but couldn't I got to the point where I wanted 2 but I just can't 3 times I tried but couldn't I got to the point where I wanted to but I just can't for those who don't know what I mean and for those who want 2 know I mean 3 times I I tried to k** myself I got to the point where I wanted to but I just can't all these scars you see the person you see in me where do you think it came from every day some one somewhere says I need to be relaxed but with all this pain built up inside me that just can't happen that 3 times I tried but couldn't I have got to the point where I wanted 2 but I just got to the point where I wanted to but I just can't 3 times I tried to k** myself you have no idea what I feel inside and if I told you wouldn't believe it I don't sleep anymore case of depressed memories 3 times I tried but couldn't I got 2 the point where I wanted 2 but I just can't 3 times I tried but couldn't I got to the point where wanted to but I just can't 3 times I tried but couldn't I got to the point where I wanted to but I just can't 3 times I tried but couldn't I have got to the point where I wanted to but I just can't 3 times I tried to k** myself THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 You don't know the pain I'm in you don't know the pain I'm in you don't know the pain I'm in I losses my God child never found out if it was a boy or a girl now I'm dealing with the fact that my 5 closest friends are tearing apart all 5 of them yelling arguing hate and fear in their eyes with the feeling of having to choose who you want to stay friends with and who you want to let go fills the air you don't know the pain I'm in you don't know the pain I'm in you don't know the pain I'm in I'm being trapped that no matter what you do you'll never let it go never let it? go we all used to be so close we where all like brothers and sisters and now your drifting apart and its like what do I do what do I say I'm at a dead end the world just grew dark and cold all the bloodiness fills the bottom of the earth and on top of it all I still have depressed memories you don't know the pain I'm in you don't know the pain I'm in you don't know you don't you don't know the pain I'm in to watch your 5 closet friends who was there when you needed them there just falling apart and I have to watch it you don't know the pain I'm in you don't know the pain I'm in THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I'm your worst nightmare you hard so much about me all of which is true I have an anger problem and I'm ready to lash out try me if you want to go ahead let me find out what you been saying and doing to my sister and the min we come face to face it's going to be me and you and it's going to be one big blood bath in less than a min try me if you so dare case I'm your worst nightmare I'm your worst nightmare I'm your worst nightmare when you first see me I'm not going to say a word, I'm just going to turn dark red and fire will be coming out of my eyes and out of no where I'll start looking like bloody Mary at that point there is no holding me back I will lash out don't believe me fine but I'm letting you know right now I'm your worst nightmare I'm your worst nightmare if you're not afraid and you don't think I'm going to do sh** for messing with my sister wait till I get down there say it to my face watch what happens see I'm your worst nightmare I'm your worst nightmare I'm your worst nightmare I can already see it happing and what you don't realize is I started 16,000 blood baths through me body I'm far ready to start a blood bath with you try me if you dare I'm your worst nightmare I'm your worst nightmare I'm your worst nightmare THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Shut up and listen 4 once shut up and listen 4 once shut up and listen 4 on shut up and listen 4 once all keep telling my story in the way you want to create me story all twist my words around and leave me feeling worthless and unwanted I try to tell you day in and day out exactly what's on me mind and what I feel inside but the problem is all don't want to f…. listen instead you rather cut me off than ask me again so now your going to shut up and listen shut up and listen you can't just figure someone out by watching their every move you have to use your voice and come talk to me if you really desperate for answers about me life than instead of cutting me off than just shut up and listen to me I wrote it out 90 times already I'm writing a book on my life inside and out and if by then you still have no idea what I'm here for than you'll never fig me out at all instead of going around twisting my words around and having someone calling the police for being worried instead of having the common sense to tell me what's going on face to face just for 5 minions shut up and listen shut up and listen shut up and listen you want to know what's on my mind and what I feel inside than don't tell me who I am and what I do instead let me tell you who I am what I do and when I do it let me be the one to tell you my life story so for once in a life time shut up and listen shut up and listen THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Set me on fire set me on fire set me on fire tell me why did you think it was ok to set? me on fire tell me what I've done to be treated so badly what I have done for you to hate me so much what went through your mind to? set me on set me on fire and its not the 1st time you set me on fire this is the 2nd time and will be the last time you'll ever set me on fire set me on fire set me on fire do you realize that everyday because of the pain you cased me and with all the other pain I hold inside for so long that I reached a point where nothing matters to me anymore all my hop has burned out so go ahead set me on fire set me on fire set me on fire I want to be filled with hop, happiness and full of dreams again but you're just going to make me feel like I don't belong in this world any more than what's the point you drive me to the point where I try to k** myself than you talk me out of it case you realized I reached a point where I just don't care than you set me on fire set me on fire THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Break out of the darkness I have been reliving dark painful memory I held inside for so long day in and day out I still blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life but now looking back at its time that I break out of the darkness break out of the darkness case this is not me anymore I been changed inside and out I don't have so much anger in me anymore I'm done playing everyone's sick twisted hurtful games when I never had to be apart of it to begin with so I'm going to break out of the darkness break out of the darkness I look around this world and see so much more than a normal human eye can see I feel the world for what it truly is all this recharge here can be and will be put to its end weather by our selves or when Jesus comes back to take us all home with him but I will not wait another day to turn my life . around when I could just break out of the darkness break out of the darkness I'm breaking out of this dark cold world to come home where I belong a place where I won't be in pain some where where I'll be actually happy inside and out without having to pretend I'm ok when I'm not you maybe in a situation where you feel like you fell into a deep black hole that you just can't seem to get out of take my hand and we'll break out of the darkness break out of the darkness THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Bite my arm again and ill bite your face till blood comes pouring out Don't say anything just listen just because I won't have s** with you or I won't go out with you or even give you $25,000 doesn't give you the right to bite my arm 1st off I don't even have that money and to expect me to have it with in a 3 week b… you're out of your f…. mind 2ndly you're in telemetry school I'm in middle school so don't sit there and tell me you're a year younger than me case damint I don't by that for a minute and your way too young for someone like me to be doing what your doing so I'm going to put it this way bite my arm again and ill bite your face till blood comes pouring out bite my arm again and ill bite your face till blood comes pouring out bite my arm again and ill bite your face till blood comes pouring out try me if you want to case I'm ready to lash out and start a blood bath at any f… mining so go ahead bite my arm and see if you don't go flying into a brick walls now bite my arm again and ill bite your face till blood comes pouring out bite my arm again and ill bite your face till blood comes pouring out just go ahead I'm standing right here so bite my arm again and ill bite your face till blood comes pouring out THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I don't want 2 walk out on them like all me friends did to me I don't want 2 walk out on them like all my friends did to me I don't want 2 walk out on them like all me friends did to me case I know how that feels and I know what that dose case I live in it scares you deeply and causes depressed memories of which you live in with no escape and I don't want 2 walk out on them like all my friends did to me I don't want 2 walk out on them like all friends did to me I now do you know what it's like to watch your friends walk out on you including the one you had a fight with and wanted to talk things out before it was too late but you just missed them and now they're gone and you'll never see here again I don't want 2 walk out on them like all my friends did to me I don't want 2 walk out on them like all my friends did to me case I know how much it hurts I been through it and till this day it hurts I been through it and till this day I still cry myself to sleep or I don't sleep or I do sleep but I wake up in a bad mood feeling like crap and I don't want 2 walk out on them like all my friends did to me I don't want 2 walk out on them like all my friends did to me I don't want 2 walk out on them like all my friends did to me THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 just listen to me 4 once Some of you tell me I have a voice and it needs to be herd some of you have herd me but didn't listen so every day you ask me if I'm ok, do I have a boyfriend, do I want a boyfriend, why do I not want a relationship, are you a boy or a girl like you really can't tell but you always find a way to twist me story into your own them you wonder why you can't hear me voice just listen to me 4 once just listen to me 4 once and don't cut me off case this is the last time I'm going to say this I don't want a relationship with anyone in this world for many reasons 1 people through stuff at me 2 they always play he said/she said 3 they take off running from me when I turn around they really haven't grown up many times it is said that people are mean because of what's going on around them or what they been through not saying that's a reason to take it out on people who hasn't done anything to you just listen to me 4 once just listen to me 4 once case I will not say this again I don't hate people I hate the fact that they feel like they got to be mean to feel happy about themselves you wonder why I care so much what people think, feel & say its case no one else here on earth dose and that's sad don't sit there and tell me people care case if you did you would know whose hurting inside and who's not tell me is going into war over land worth it is it worth k**ing people and tearing family's apart whatever happened to treating others, the way you wanted to be treated or in order to love someone else you must first love yourself you know I was just thinking if all we do is fight over everything how can we trust each other everyone's so caught up in money case it gives them a home and a way to live life but really we all should just let go of everything doesn't matter what it is just let everything go for those who still think I don't use my voice than just listens to me 4 once just listen 4 once case I will not say it again I hold everything inside case I can't let it go everything I hold inside I can't let it out case the very second it comes out of me you will be beyond worried about me fib and the government will both be after me and I will be gone no longer in this world so if you really want to hear my voice and think my voice is worth hearing than for once in a life time just listen to me for once just listen to me for once with out cutting me off its up to you if you hear my voice or not THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Do I have a voice? Do I have a voice case it doesn't? seem like it after all the times you cut me off is my voice worth listing to many times I just can't figure it out I know you've told me I have a voice and it needs to be hired but why should I open my voice when? it just gets cut off you ask me if I'm ok you ask me what's on my mind what I feel and you ask me what I'm think about this school and some how it just doesn't matter to you case you either cut me off or you'll listen but not care or you'll listen yet talk/laugh too other people then you ask me again till it becomes a daily question it seems to me no matter what I tell you just don't understand it so do I have a voice do I have a voice at all many times you complain is too loud or too quite so when I don't say a word or sing a song you ask me what's wrong and when I tell you it's pointless to answer case you just walk off without listing its one thing to not tell me anything case apparently I'm not meant to know what's going on but to cut me off as well I just can't do it I can't use my voice anymore someone tell me do I have a voice can I say what I feel or do I have to hold it in like I've done 18 years every day I can hear people say they can't hear me, I'm too loud shut up and so much more till this day it still goes on sometimes I wonder do I have a voice do I have a voice tell me now case? I'll be more than happy to just keep everything inside THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Just leave I can't tell you to get out of my life case you'll always be my brother but I can't be around you anymore if all your going to do is make me feel like I can't do anything right or reach your expectations I have a life to point out everything I've done wrong and I regret everything I've done & said that I shouldn't have said or done I don't need you to make me feel crap all the time I'm sorry if you don't like the way my computer is being treated but you have a $800.00 computer that you and our dad built together you know what I can't live with you any more case no matter what I do when your around I'm always doing some thing wrong and now I just want to be left alone for a while or can I not do that either I know I told you your dead to me and for a while you will be case I don't know what else to do you say these kids are the ratty old kids but the only ones who hurt me deep inside and make everything that goes wrong between you and me is my felt may everything that goes wrong at all but I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything right so go ahead take the computer back but don't ever wait on me for anything again case I don't want to see you for a while THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Brain Damage I was just 2 months old when I had brain damage and only died for 2 hours but when I came back I was sick almost every day had trouble breathing had surgery and recovered sure I have a learning disability but that's not about to get in my way you think I'm disabled let me explain something to you as long as I am alive I will always go after what I dream one day I will be a singer & song writer one day I will help people get off the streets and feed families who can't eat every day just case I had brain damage at 2 months old you don't think I can get a job and keep it tell me how sad is that and you wonder why I don't like people very much course this isn't the only reason but I never came on its only brain damage its not as bad as you think oh wait do you just not think at all and if you do think what is it you think about certainly not well if she set here mind and heart to something she might be able to do more than what we could ever imagine like I said its only brain damage brain damage bus rain damage so what's the big deal I can steel see, hear, etc, I just can't learn like others is that really a problem case if it is than your impossible case I'm not like the world and don't want to be I can't wait to leave this world and not come back all the pain and scars just keep building maybe its case I let people walk all over me maybe case I'm tired of seeing & hearing people dying case we can't get along instead we have to fight and go into war to fight for land, food and equipment that where not going to keep when this world comes to an end or when one by one we all start dying you think your helping people but what you're really doing is tearing family's apart and k**ing innocent people and it still goes on THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 14 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 What is wrong with all of you I lately have absolutely no idea where to begin at this point and time the way this school works is disappointing really you say we need certain cla**es to graduate all said we needed speech to graduate but what I don't understand is how the hell could you sit here and tell us what cla**es we f…. need to get the hell out of this dam school you can't even talk to each other about who dose what tell me who the hell is in charge of sinning case mangers and to tell me about it whose job is it to tell me anything that has to do anything with me or are all so dam f… scared you don't have the dam common sense to step up to me face to face and tell me your dam selves with all you what is wrong with all of you all this talk about how you want us to pa** and graduate it's all bulls… its nothing but crap but you don't give a dam does you you'll never actually listen you have no command sense to keep everyone informed with anything but what I find so devastating is the fact that all have the school behind all care so much bout the money their f… blind to realize the schools dam systems is f… stupid look around who the hell do you think you're dealing with think about it if nothing else think about who can stand up and answer me what is wrong with you what is wrong with you what is wrong please tell me take the time to open up your eyes and you see this isn't working all are just in there for the money you're telling us you care but what you really want is the money tell me face to face that's not true I dare you in fact I triple dog dare you to come tell me face to face and tell me it's not about the money you can't can you and that's sad we shouldn't be worried bout money as long as we all can work together and help each other out but all are so dam into the f… compaction all don't give a f… what's wrong with you what's wrong with you everyone is different deal with it no one is not meant to be the same everyone is special in there own way yet all try so f… hard to be the same and for what whey tries to be someone your not let me tell you everyone has a dream however not everyone works hard to make it come true and for that reason all do what you're doing now its radicalize and sad what's wrong with you what's wrong with you what's wrong with you THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE18 Opening up 2 people as much as I want 2 open up 2 people I just can't do it not after the hell you put me through and when you ask me if I'm ok when you see me looking like something is bothering me but don't talk about it just hold it all inside you know I'm not opening up 2 people opening up 2 people opening up 2 people is like telling people you know can't be trusted yet you tell them everything before you know it everyone knows whey your hurting inside and instead of helping you through it they make it worse by telling you can't be mad at anyone for anything its extremely hard and I don't think I can just come out of nowhere and start opening up 2 people opening up 2 people opening up 2 people I'm still broken inside and trying to hide it just makes it go deeper I don't sleep much anymore wishing it would all end yet it repeats now tell me if you been through every thing I been though is opening up 2 people really an option at this point not really an option for me in fact, it's just another obstacle in life that make things so much harder so opening up 2 people opening up 2 people is like opening yourself to danger and pain is that really something you really want to do I don't know about you but I have enough to deal with as it is now I'm going to have to work on opening up 2 people opening up 2 people is extremely hard to do when people don't or won't listen to your life long story so what do you do are you really thinking about opening up 2 people opening up 2 people I am but who will I open up 2 THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I have no heart why is it so important to be in a? relationship don't tell me it's not impotent case all seem to believe that it is and just because I don't want to go out with you doesn't mean I have no heart I have no heart I have no heart why is it such a big deal to be in a relationship I mean people say it's not a big deal but they act like it's the world's biggest situation and if I don't go out with you than I have no heart I have no heart I have no heart well you know what I'm tired of people telling me what I can/can't do where I can/can't be like I can't think for myself and people saying one thing but doing the total opiate which is whey I don't trust anyone anymore and to say I have no heart I have no heart I have no heart I know just because I'm not like everyone else and I don't want a relationship dose that really mean I have no heart so your telling me that because I hate boys so much that I don't want to go out with anyone that means I have no heart I have no heart I have no heart I have no heart that's un believable and I can't believe that case I won't go out with anyone I have no heart THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 It's just an ongoing game it's just an ongoing game it's just an on going game boys always pointing fingers saying who said or did what girls always nagging me about relationships but most of all every one always playing he said/she said and you know what I'm tired of it if you want me to believe something you better have it recorded otherwise shut the hell up case it's just an ongoing game and I really don't see how toughing something at someone could be funny much less tell a person they should k** them selves that they don't have a reason to live than there's the name calling you doing that it's something you just wanted to say but I know your hurting inside and even so it still doesn't give you a right to hurt someone else just to feel good bout yourself in fact tell me this do you honestly feel good about your . self by hurting other people or is it just an ongoing game it's just an on going game, it's just an ongoing game that just can't seem to end when will you wake up and realize what's going on around you when will your body wake up and say ok this needs to change when will you open up your eyes and see that all your doing is casing more pain come on look around and you think it's all just a game playing with people's lives like it's not a big deal but when there gone and not came back that's when you freak out and worry and blame other people for it it's sad but like I said you just think that it's just an ongoing game it's just an ongoing game THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Another year at hell in hell another year at hell in hell another yea at hell in hell everyone who knows me knows singing/weighting is all I ever wanted to do in life it's the only thing I wanted to be in life always want to help people get off the streets but now I go to a school where there's no choir I live in a place where people call me a b… and through rocks play he said/she said always pointing fingers at each other denying what they said and just taking off running when they know I'm pissed always telling me there not scared but the second they say or do anything to me they take off running its stupid and then you you have north Dallas high school I want to make that school work but I just can't their system and how they run things is messed up every day I go to that school pretending everything is ok when I just want to break everything in the school music is all I am now it's been ripped out of me and I have no idea what to do except to tell you its another year at hell in hell another year at hell in hell another year at hell in hell is what it is with no way out no sign of change coming for the better I just can't take it anymore I'm tired of holding everything in yet I can't let it out either so than it is and always will be another year at hell in hell another year at hell in hell wish I could leave yet I can't feeling trapped reaching a dead end and all I want to do is sing and write another year at hell in hell THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 There is no life without music there is no life without music no story to tell bout who feels what and what someone is truly thinking feeling and going through everything just shuts itself down with no energy inside at all only feeling worthless and unhappiness there is no life with out music there is no life with out music clearly I just don't see a reason to grebe on to life anymore all I ever done was hold everything in I always held back from what I really wanted to do case I thought being in choir would get me relived about everything I have to put up with and now case there is no choir to go to there is life without music there is no life without music so than whey am I here am I just a target for people to through something at me someone to be called a b**h for what ever reason come on think about it you know what they should it matter whey should anything about me matter maybe everyone should just forget about me forget I ever existed for get everything about me case as I stand here I just can't keep pretending anymore there is no life without music there is no life with out music with that being said I just can't stay in Dallas anymore case I can't make this work every time I do I end up walking through fire and get burned inside and out I have thousands of explosions day in and day out I just can't put up with it anymore when there is no life with out music there is no life with out music THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Watch me if u dare what's wrong with you all of you always got something to say but can never tell me face to face then I find out someone's been watching me and you know about it so than tell why the hell didn't you point them out and tell me they where watching me you know I'm not afraid to start a blood bath with anyone and you say my friends that you're just looking out for me that's bulls… right their case if you really cared about me you wouldn't go behind my back and tell others that someone is watching me and for those who are watching me I'm going to give you a reason to watch me when I turn dark red and tensed fire crosses my eyes and steam comes out of my ears now if you really want to watch me I suggest you stand steel case I'm bout to lash out if you got something to say come say it to me face otherwise don't say anything at all you want me to take care of self-fen but what I need from you is a gun, a knife, a sword, a bomb and for someone to get ready to call the fib and the military case now I'm lashing out anyone who gets in the way I had enough from a school that's setting me up for failed I had enough from people who can't seem to tell me anything just case of my anger problem and those who really want see my anger now you can see it case at this point I'm nothing but anger try me if you want to oh and the little nice sweet good girl filled with hope and dreams is gone for good now case I had enough I don't trust anyone anymore the only people I trust is me family blood and non-blood they are the only ones I trust in this life if you're not part of my family good luck trying to gain my trust again case now it's impossible to regain in specially with all the lies that just added up all the time and you wonder if I'm ok I live in a pain what does that tell you? always tell me its ok don't worry about it don't let it get to you let me ask you how that working for you oh by the way don't be surprised if I go back to cutting myself again case that's exactly what I'm going to do in less than 24 hours just case I can't keep all this pain built up inside weather you let me or not it's all coming out rushing out of me right before your eyes and when it's all out you still won't understand it at all now watch me if you want to watch me if you so dare to case the minuet I find you your dead in a heartbeat you think you see pain your bout to see hell case now all hells going to break loose watch me if you want to watch me if you dare THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Take a look at me now 14 months ago when I was still at may field park apartments I was in 8th grade at the time and you where about to move you wanted something of which I could not give you case I didn't have anything for you held on to my arm and you pleaded for me to go back in the house and cheek again I finally started to walk away and you held on to my arm again you wanted me to go back in the house and cheek again then you fell and scraped your back and started yelling at me like it's my felt as we headed through the ditch wasn't long when we were heading for the bridge around the comer before you said I wasn't a good friend that I didn't care about anyone else but me self I ignored it and kept going you kept nagging me I just had to turn around and yell what the hell do you want do your remember what you said you said you wanted me to suffer the way you did you felt so violated than we kept walking you started pushing me now we reach the bridge on the other side where you said you think your life is so perfect well it's not and you need to stop saying that it is case it's not well you can keep pretending your life is perfect while I live my non perfect life case at least I can say me life isn't perfect I just couldn't believe what you just said that I turned around and said b… I don't know where you got the idea of my life being perfect case you sure as hell didn't get it from me in fact you have no idea how losses or how I feel inside my life is far from perfect than you told me you I wish you would regret this day that you will not sleep case of this day and I was frozen solid I didn't know what to say or do I felt my heart stop I couldn't breathe I couldn't move I blacked out while my legs where frozen solid than I was looking for you I was too late you were already gone and your wish came true I haven't slept since and I stopped eating from time to time case of your wish and now I just want you to look at me now take a look at me take a look at me take a look at me I'm so much worse now than what I was 14 months ago I cry myself to sleep almost every night case I want to tell you how I feel inside just take a look at me now take a look at me now take a look at me now what do you see now I can't even look at myself with out feeling sick than everyone else makes me feel like I don't belong in this world so I try to k** myself but than they all freak out and end up talking me out of it and I can't do this anymore you and everyone else they know who they are but you keep pissing me off and I can't get mad case I'm not allowed to be mad at anyone for anything I wish you could take a look at me now take a look at me now take a look at me now and tell me is this what you wanted never mind don't answer that one day it was a day if I ember correctly I was thinking of you and what we went through I tried to hold back the tears in my eyes but I ended up having 6 melt downs before the school day was over and that night my eyes flooded with tears I was crying for about 2 hours straight all case I know I will most likely never be able to talk things out with you or if you would even let me if I did happen to run into you take a look at me now take a look at me now THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Times running out you ever feel like you have no purpose in life have you just don't feel anything at all anymore I'm having that feeling right now but I also feel times running out times running out and I don't know if there's something I'm supposed to do somewhere to go or what to say all I know is times running out and something devastating is about to happen feeling like there's nothing I can do now there's dead silence in my mind yet my body is over tensed and over worn out can't even keep my head up anymore now times just running out times running out times running out times running out and clearly I can't seem to put this puzzle to gather every time I try my head starts pounding and I just don't feel like myself anymore just seems like times running out something devastating is about to happen and I don't know what it is all I know is times running out times running out times running out I look around see people hurting every where family's not eating all the time and I just can't keep this up can't keep pretending I'm ok when I'm not while I'm trying to put this puzzle of life together I can feel time running out and now times running out times running out for so long I been holding in anger and till this day I steal hold it all inside just can't hold it in anymore now that times running out times running out THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Purpose of life the number one question people all around the world wants to know is the purpose of life purpose? of life some people say it's to be born live and die others say its to learn about the love of God and what he has done for us the purpose of life is to know who God is and accept his son Jesus as our friend, savior, king of kings and Lord of Lord's and to love and praise him day in and day out we are to find people who don't know God and share what he has done for all of mankind to find those who don't know if he exists or not and help guide them in the right direction so than I ask you what is the purpose of life purpose of life purpose of life is to give our lives away so that we can have ever lasting life with our Heavenly Father and his Son that's the true purpose of life purpose of life purpose of life purpose of life I believe if we work together put aside our differences if we learn to get along we could all be together for life and for eternity but it starts with you what do you say do you really want to live the? purpose of life purpose of life propose of life some of you are still thinking about it right now and that's ok take your time whey rush when it's never too late to change and re write history to make the world a better place THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Not easy 2 love people who hates you It's not easy 2 love people who hates you not easy 2 love people who hate you all the time making you feel like you don't belong telling you don't have a reason to live it gets you wondering than you go into deep thought and you just can't stop asking yourself what did I do what did I say for you to hate me so? driving my self insane trying to figure it all out and that's when I felt the cold wind and get so tensed case I don't know what to do and I wonder how did you leave everyone including the people who betrayed you the people who wanted you to die even though you've done nothing for it all I can say is it's not easy 2 love people who hates you're not easy 2 love people who hates you for whatever reason feeling all alone saying nothing but darkness every thing closing in your heart starts pounding than it hits me loving people is not going to be easy there going to fight me every time I steel chose to love people just like you loved me and people like me I don't want anger inside me anymore I don't want to be stressed out and worn out but________________ not easy 2 love people who hates you not easy 2 love people who hates you not easy 2 love people who hates you THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Life after d**h have you always wondered what life? would be like after d**h or even if there is a life after d**h I do all the time I just can't help but wonder what will happen when I'm gone would people k** them selves case of my d**h or would there be a battle between the people who cared/loved me against the people who hated me and wanted me dead just makes you wonder about life after d**h life after d**h could be a good thing and a bad thing it depends on what you decided to do with your life here in this world what you do where you go it all depends on you feeling like everything is falling apart and darkness is the thing around life after d**h can and will be devastating to start with case you'll miss seeing those who cared for you and loved you no matter what you did but the min you accept the fact that there not gone but than one day you'll all be together again even if we die in this world there will be a life after d**h life after d**h ham____________________________ tell me do you ever wonder what it would be like to live even though your died to have a life after d**h what would you do if you had a life after d**h life after d**h where would you go what would you do if you had a life after d**h THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 I won't ever let you go I understand it's your time to go home with the Lord I'll miss you daily we all will I know it will be hard but I won't? ever let you go I won't ever let you go day in and day out ill think of you always to keep moving forward in life just seems impossible right now but even if it is ill still keep walking and go after what I want to do in life I just wish you was here with me to see what I became when I'm fully grown and where I'm at in life and if your remember anything at all please remember that I won't ever let you go I won't ever let you go no matter what lies ahead no matter what people say or do ill still think of you when ever I can I will visit you even when you're in a better place go no matter what the weather is or what kind of day I'm having there will be days when I just can't stop crying at night case I miss you bad enough we don't come see you very much and I wish we could but now your time has come to an end and I don't know if I'll be ok or not I really just don't know but I do know for fact that I won't ever let you go I won't ever let you go I look around and all I can think about are the times we had together it'll be rough but I'll find a way to keep going to keep living life till this world comes to its end I'll keep walking ill keep singing/writing when I get me own car ill visits you daily no matter what my schedule is no matter what's around me ill make time to visit you daily case I won't ever let you go THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 God please help me God please help me God please help me I'm hurting inside and I know you don't want to see me this way I also know that I have let you down so many times and I'm sorry for that and if you're willing to help me get through my pain I know I'll be stronger than before through you right now I don't know what to do I losses my God daughter people seem to be complaining about me singing but isn't that what you wanted me to be a girl named Sara wants to k** my sisters God please help me God please help me God please help me get through the pain I'm in heal my heart and clear me mind from all evil thoughts case I can't live a day without you from the time you brought me back to life all the way till I grew up and turned 17 you have always been there when I needed you and you never left me side but I came across a situation I never thought I'd face I losses me God daughter and Sara wants to k** my sisters please tell me what I need to do and where I need to go case right now I just___________ God please help me God please help me case I can't walk in this world on my own I'm sorry for the times I let you down but I want you to know I love you THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 God does exist and he is with me every day This world was once a lonely dark and Lifeless world but one-day God decide To make creation and created Everything we see But some of you still wonder or even Say that God is not really well I'm here To tell you that God does exist and he Is with me everyday God does exist and he is with me Every day you don't believe it case You don't see it or you think you Have to fit into this world even if It's not denying that he exists think About it who on this planet really Knows when the world is going to end The exact day at the exact time no one People are just guessing saying they Know when the world will come to a End but the truth is no one here Knows when that's going to happen It is said that only God the Father Knows when and how the world will End look around God's creation is Everywhere from the trees to the Animals from the animals to the Humans and is created every day God does exist and he is with me Every day God wants to help you with Your life everyone goes through hard Times that they just can't get out of And so if you let him accept him into Your life case God dose exist and he Is with me every day God does exist And he is with every day I know there's Times that seems like no one is Around you feel like You've been abandoned that no one Cares but God dose in fact he loved The world so much he gave his only Son Jesus to die for you and me So we can come have an ever lasting Life with him all we got to do is give Him our hearts and believe and trust In him and you'll see God does exist and he is with me Every day God does exist and he is With me every day THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Every heart is a good heart when you look at someone your either look at what is on the inside or you look at the outside however those who only look at the outside dose not know how to look on the inside they can't read through the lives case they don't even put themselves in someone else's dark times so they don't think that every heart is a good heart but if you ask me I believe every heart is a good heart every heart is a good heart just case people call you names or says whatever they say or even if they hit you and through stuff at you doesn't mean they have a bad heart it just means something is bothering than they try not to show it and I think that by making someone else mad, sad, hurtful or even depressed is there way of saying listen to me I need help and don't know who to talk to some say they do this kind of thing case they like but if you really take the time to know them and talk to them you'll see that every heart is a good heart every heart is a good heart it's just hard to see sometimes case you don't know what to say do or where to go but take the time to truly know someone see what their like case every heart is a good heart THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Daughter of God Daughter of God daughter of God I am the daughter of God I was only 2 months old when I saw his light And was brought back to life He knew what my heart was like and How hard my life would be all the? Times I failed and let him down yet He never left my side and now all I can say is I am a daughter of God a Daughter of God daughter of God Every day though I see the world Differently than any human eye Can see and it feels like I'm all alone But I know you're with me every where I go when the darkness lies ahead of Me and danger is at every turn you Shine your light and lead the way Because I am the daughter of God Daughter of God daughter of God Yea I am the daughter of God And no one and nothing can ever Change that case as long as I'm Alive I give my life, my heart, my soul And my mind to the Lord everyone Always trying to change who I am And to change my story with out Even listing to it however there Is a friend who dose accept you For who you are and he wants us to Accept him for who he is for this Reason I am the daughter of God Daughter of God daughter of God As far as I'm concerned that's never Going to change not even d**h can Take me away all case I am the Daughter of God daughter of God Daughter of God when I wake up When I'm asleep you're with me when I'm out walking around you with me You never leave even though there's A million reasons to go yet you stand Here with open arms and you call me Daughter of God daughter of God Daughter of God when I feel the cold Breeze of the wind my anger dies out And I'm calm again inside and out and I can here you say I am a daughter of God I am a daughter of God THIS SONG WAS... WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 You brought me back 2 life be for I was brought into this world I was in your prescience for 2 hours it felt amazing and you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 life you gave the gift to sing and write but a gift no one else seems to have to see and feel things for what they really are beyond the obvers and all I can say is you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 lives even though you knew I would fall you picked me up again when I went through some hard times you carried me through you told me you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 life I have reached a point several times where I forgot who I was and who I was living for than you remind me I was here for you I'm living for you you never left my side since the day you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 lives and so every day I will give you my best in all that I do I will learn to control my anger and love everyone for you case you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 lives you brought me back 2 lives and all I want is to be close 2 because you brought me back 2 life THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 Break out of the darkness to be a part of it to begin with so I'm going to break out of the darkness break out of the darkness I look around this world and see so much more than a normal human eye can see I feel the world for what it truly is all this recharge here can be and? will be put to its end weather its by us our selves or when Jesus comes back to take us all home with him but I will not wait another day to turn my life around when I could just break out of the darkness breaks out of the darkness I'm breaking out the dark cold world to come home where I belong a place where I won't be in pain somewhere where I'll be actually happy inside and out without having to pretend I'm ok when I'm not you maybe in a situation where you feel like you fell into a deep black hole that you just can't seem to get out of take my hand and well break out of the darkness break out of the darkness THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 17 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18 God I need you now more than ever God I need you now more than ever God I need you now more than ever you see I have fallen into a dark hole I'm lost and I have no idea what to do I know you want me to love people who caused so much pain but now I'm covered in scars and k**ed with depressed memories that can't seem to leave that I just gate say God I need you now more than ever God I need you now more than ever I lost a God child never found out if it was a boy or a girl I'm watching 5 of my closest friends fall apart and I don't know what to say or what to do that's whey I'm letting you know that God I need you now more than ever God I need you now more than ever God I need you now more than ever I can barely hold on I don't know if I could possibly make it to my 17th b day I know it's only 5 more days away but with all the pain inside I just can't hold on any longer I just don't have the strength or the hope anymore God I need you now more than ever God I need you now more than ever God I need you now more than ever THIS SONG WAS WRITTEN BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE16 TYPED BY NATALIE MARIE HOWELL AGE 18