Monty Python - The Spanish Inquisition lyrics

Chapman: Trouble at mill. Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble? Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle. Cleveland: Pardon? Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle. Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying. Chapman: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle. Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean? Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [JARRING CHORD] [The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain [Palin] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles [Jones] has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang [Gilliam] is just Cardinal Fang] Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. [The Inquisition exits] Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [JARRING CHORD] [The cardinals burst in] Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! [To Cardinal Biggles] I can't say it - you'll have to say it. Biggles: What? Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...' Biggles: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that... [Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again] Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [JARRING CHORD] [The cardinals enter] Biggles: Er.... Nobody...um.... Ximinez: Expects... Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um... Ximinez: Inquisition. Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect - Ximinez: Our chief weapons are... Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er... Ximinez: Surprise... Biggles: Surprise and -- Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges. Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--' Biggles: That's enough. [To Cleveland] Now, how do you plead? Clevelnd: We're innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! [DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER] Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that! [DIABOLICAL ACTING] Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack! [Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger] Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down. [Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack] Ximinez:Right! How do you plead? Clevelnd: Innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn. [Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders] Biggles: I.... Ximinez: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your cra** mistake. Biggles: I... Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid. Biggles: Shall I...? Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! [Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack] [Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde] Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess? Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of. Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS! [JARRING CHORD] [Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions] Biggles: Here they are, lord. Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about. Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! [Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture] Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord. Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! [JARRING CHORD] [Zoom into Fang's horrified face] Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair? [Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one] Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! [They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair] Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess Biggles: I confess! Ximinez: Not you!