Mike Judge - EP2 - Square Peg lyrics

[Theme music] HANK: Peggy? PEGGY: I'm in my office. HANK: Peggy? Peggy, I've got a situation here. Oh, Hank, is it your back again? Why won't you wear that weightlifting belt I got you for Christmas? It's not a belt. It's a girdle. Take off your shirt. I'll get the Icy Hot. [Groans] Icy! Icy! [Sighing] Hot. All right. Okay. - Hey. - Peggy! Not in front of the B-O-Y. I need both of you to sign this permission slip. All righty. What's it for, son? Contact football? No, you're not old enough for that. Ringworm test? What? Sexual Education? - Where'd you get this? - I told you. At school. I thought we didn't have to worry about this until 9th grade health cla**. No. The principal wants to teach us a unit from some course they made up in Washington, DC. Washington? Bobby, go to your room. Well, what are we gonna do? Here's the first thing I'm gonna do, I'll tell you what. There. No need for Bobby to get all bothered up learning about s** when he can't do a damn thing about it anyway, at his age and with his features. Besides, it is not up to the United States government to be teaching Bobby the facts of life. That's his parents' job. I agree. If anybody should teach our boy about that it should be his parents. Something like that should be taught in the home. Where he lives. Absolutely. Yes siree. Well, you're the expert. Substitute Teacher of the Year 1996, as I recall. Oh, Hank, I'm also a decent woman. I got my back out here, Peg. [Peggy sighing angrily] [Barney & Friends on TV] [Knocking] PEGGY: Bobby? Bobby, honey. What do you know about s**ual relations? I don't know. Nothing much. I'm a little worried about being a s*ut. [Murmurs] Well, Bobby, your father and I decided that as your parents that you and I should have a little talk on the subject. You have noticed, I am sure, that there are some pretty big differences between boys and girls. I'm sure you know that. I mean, physically, boys are, well, they're different. They have something that girls do not have. Yeah. You know, something You mean, a penis? I didn't take Sex Ed in school. HANK: Come on, Boomhauer, if you're gonna prune, prune. The army taught me everything, and in four different languages, too. Want to know how to get a bargirl in the Philippines? The point is, there is no way my son is learning the how-tos of romance from some bureaucrat regulatory handbook. Tu-mai-ho, or something like that. And, Dale, I'd say the same applies to your Joseph. I'd tear that permission slip up, if I were you. I'll do that and then some. This Sex Ed stuff goes higher than the schools. It's that same old clubberone zero-population bulldink that the UN's been trying for years. [Muttering] Tell you what. This branch is fixing to it's going, it's going to be Y'all, heads up! They want to whittle us down so we can't keep a standing army. That's when the Chinese'll come marching in. All I'm saying is, keep the government out of the bedroom business. Teaching my boy the facts of life is my job. DALE: Damn straight. BILL: You got that right. Hank, I couldn't get the words out. Oh, you didn't send her in to do a man's job, did you? Well, l Maybe you should let Boomhauer teach him what he knows. [Muttering] You talk about them dang old condom dispenser with them be. Put in 50 cents. And they try to hit that corner turn and bang on that thing, and talking about her needs. God, no, that's all right. I guess I'll do it. My daddy told me the facts of life when I was Bobby's age, and I turned out okay. Yeehaw! What you crying for, boy? This is a good show. This is a damn good show. Yeah. That's also how he taught me about paying taxes. Well, there used to be a dairy farm out here somewhere. Oh, there we go. Gracie, this is Mr. Hill. Brought his son over to learn the facts of life. GRACIE: Well, he sure came to the right place. We call this machine the Matchmaker 500. [Generator humming] Bobby, you're coming to a time in your life when you're gonna start to have tender feelings for a girl. You're gonna need to know what those feelings mean and what to do about them. [Mooing] Oh, my God! Where's the other half of that dang permission slip? I'm sure they'll do a good job at school. The health teacher is a trained professional. Keep digging. Hey, Hank, I wouldn't sweat it anymore about that Sex Ed stuff. What do you mean? All you gotta know is, I took care of it with one little phone call. [Chuckling] Hey, Peg Leg. That was Bobby's principal. Some right-wing maniac called the health teacher with a d**h threat and she quit. Oh, well. I'm sure it was just some harmless nutcase. Hey, on the bright side, since there's no one to teach that Sex Ed course we can put all this ugliness back in the closet. Oh, no, Hank. They found someone. They found the Substitute Teacher of the Year. PEGGY: Oh, my. Oh, Lord. For goodness' sake. This beauty school homework is hard, Aunt Peggy. LUANNE: Aunt Peggy? Oh, I'm sorry, Luanne, I was not paying attention. Listen to this chapter title. "The 14 Stages of Arousal. " And then you turn the page, it Oh, my goodness! Is that C. Everett Koop? That must be an old book, because now there's 18 stages. Oh, my. How am I gonna say these words out loud in front of a cla**? Let me see. "Self-exploration is a perfectly natural exercise throughout pubescence. " What's so hard about that? Luanne, honey, tell me, what is it like to live without shame of any kind? Is it a good feeling? Yeah, it is. I guess I am a little jealous. Things were very different when I was a girl. Honey, you're at that special time of life. The time when a little girl becomes a woman. And you start getting a monthly visitor. Who? Uncle Joe? My mother gave me this, and I'm pa**ing it on to you. "The Loveliness of Woman. " There's nothing in here but pictures of flowers. I never even kissed a boy until I was 20. Of course, he's dead now. Look. Here's a chapter on communicating your needs to your love partner. What kind of filth are you reading? LUANNE: It's Aunt Peggy's Sex Ed book. Say what? Let me take a look at that. What in the hell? That is the inside of a womb. A woman's womb. My boy is not gonna look at the inside of a womb. He's only been out of yours for 11 years. I think I need some water. You want my Chandler or my Ross? Can I shoot him full of BBs? - Okay. - Then Ross. You sure you don't want him? I'm not gonna need my toys anymore. After I learn Sex Ed, I'll be too busy dating. Who? I don't know. Whoever wants to have s** with me. HANK: Well, what do you think? A few more inches? You might as well. It's just gonna keep growing. - Well, so much for my phone call. - What are you talking about? DALE: They found some other depraved harlot to teach that Sex Ed cla**. - Dale - Don't worry, Hank. I know people who can take care of her, if you know what I mean. That woman is my wife. I thought Peggy was your wife. Dale, I think he's saying Peggy's the new Sex teacher. Yeah? What? - Nothing, I wasn't saying nothing. - Nothing at all. Nothing wrong with a little s**ual education. No, sir, I bet Peggy'll be introducing some new ideas into the bedroom. Dale! I'm just saying, a woman who knows is the toughest customer. Maybe you ought to hit the books, too. HANK: What the hell is wrong with you all? Nothing, Hank. Just think. You'll be married to a woman who knows everything about s**. I've never been with a woman like that. Except, of course, a bargirl. Of course, I don't mean that Peggy's a bargirl or nothing like that. She just knows, you know what a bargirl knows. PEGGY: You know, there's a funny thing happening down at school. They want me to teach this Sex Ed stuff to our kids' cla**, you know. I don't know if I can overcome the crippling sense of shame I got from my mother. We knew you wouldn't. Yeah, I've been telling people, Peggy Hill is not one of those teachers that puts all of that intellectual hooey above common decency. Well, sometimes a little intellectual hooey is a good thing. Look. We all grew up not knowing the real words for your "dinky" and your "woohoo," and we turned out fine. I learned about s** from my mother. She gave me that wonderful book, The Loveliness of Woman. - That book is worthless. - Well, I got a lot out of it. When my husband would crawl all over me at night and do his business why, I would just close my eyes and think of them pretty flowers. Oh, Bonnie. You poor, poor woman. Hey, Bobby, your mom's gonna teach Sex Ed. Yeah, I know. We're gonna get to see her b**bs. So? HANK: Bobby, you're up. MAN: Come on, Bobby. Your dad lost his job. HANK: Run, Bobby! Run! Come on, run! Don't stop at first base, son! Go all the way, Bobby! PEGGY: Go all the way, honey! BOY: Yeah! Go all the way, you perv! [Crowd jeering] [Phone rings] Hello? MAN: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live. And if you teach that Sex Ed cla**, so help me, I'll Dale, is that you? DALE: Oh, Hank. Can I speak with Peggy? Peggy, it's for you. It's Dale. Hello, Dale. DALE: You don't know who I am, but I know where you live. PEGGY: Boy, you should've heard Bonnie today. That woman has got one awful love life. Oh, my God. Hank, honey would you like to rub some Pretty Feet and Hands on my back? Isn't that just for your feet and hands? Well, mainly. But you could use it everywhere. HANK: I'll pa**. Well, how about if I put a little on your elbows? It'll moisturize and exfoliate. My elbows are fine. You never complained about 'em before. It's just that it's so nice and cooling. It makes your elbows smooth. What? Where in the hell are my elbows gonna be that they need to be smooth? Honey, I just thought it would be nice, for later, for us to be all smooth. I don't mean to be rude or nothing, but I'll pa**. Look, Hank Hill, I did not ask to teach this cla**. But I am a substitute teacher. That means I have to be prepared to go wherever they need teachers most at any hour of the day or night, and teach anything! From Gym to Home Ec! I took an oath, darn it! Excuse me. And if I start to pick and choose, the whole system just breaks down. Yeah, well, you weren't too proud to pick and choose when you had those Randy Travis tickets. Oh, no. Those poor little kids never did get to make their clay ashtrays. Well, they're damn sure gonna know the 18 stages of arousal because Peggy Hill is gonna teach that cla**! PEGGY: This is a diagram of a woman's [Peggy stuttering] Come on, Aunt Peggy. You can do it. A woman's [Sawing] [Grunting] This is a man's [Stuttering] Well, what do you think? Nice and clean. But I think old Sigmund Freud might have a thing or two to say about it. What? HANK: Oh, no! Happiness. Ha-penis. Ha-penis. Ha-penis. Penis. I did it! Ovaries. Uvula. Uterus. PEGGY: Vagina! Hey, Hank, I just said I heard you. The whole neighborhood can hear you cussin'! It's not cussin' to say the name of a God-given body part. It is if it's a part of the body that was meant to be concealed by an undergarment. You're dealing with organs that people don't want to know about. Bobby ought to know about 'em. We don't want him growing up as repressed as we did. Sure, we do. I'm drawing the line here, Peggy. My son is not gonna learn this crazy crap. It says here, he can't take the cla** without permission of both his parents. Now just hold on. Are you saying I am not good enough to teach my own son? If you do not approve, you do not have to sign. And I do not approve. Permission denied. Damn strapping tape! Come on, Bobby. You're coming to work with me. [Buzzing] PEGGY: Oh, my. No, Mr. Hudson. We don't recommend using propane to fill party balloons. We don't recommend using propane to fill party balloons. Yeah, it is a gas. But it's in a liquid state. But you might want to blow out those candles. I'm gonna have to call you back. Bobby, hey, that's my work. Now just sit still, okay? What do you think Mom's telling all those guys? I don't know. I don't want to know. Just try not to think about it. Okay. What do you think Mom's saying to 'em? I said not to think about it. Think about something else. Okay. Dad, do you ever have s** anymore? [Hank stuttering] Well, come on, Bobby, can't you think of something pleasant? What do you think Mom's telling all those guys? [Students chattering] PEGGY: Good morning, cla**. Today we're gonna discuss human relations. Otherwise known as human relations. I am your substitute teacher. My name is Peggy Hill. Okey-dokey. Any questions so far? - Dad? - What? I just wanted to say, you don't have to worry about me because I'm never gonna have s**. Oh, Bobby! Now don't say that! I thought that's what you wanted. Well, yes, if you were my daughter. But you're my son. Why is it not okay for girls, but it's okay for boys? It's called the double standard, Bobby. Don't knock it. We got the long end of the stick on that one. I see. That's why Mom's bad for talking about s**. Bobby, look, just because your mom's been using those words doesn't mean she's bad. She's just trying to do her job. Give the kids the proper names for things. Imagine how hard that is for your mother, trying to teach a roomful of snickering 5th-graders the difference between a boy and a girl's you know, hook-ups. That woman's got a lot of guts, I'll tell you what. That's Mrs. Peggy Hill. H-l-L-L. You can call me Mrs. Hill, you can call me Peggy or Peggy Hill. [Whispering] Okay. Come on, Peggy Hill. You can do this. Okay, today's subject Just have a seat. I'm sure your teacher can tell you everything you need to know. She was Substitute Teacher of the Year, All right, cla**. Let's do it. Today I'm gonna teach you Sex Ed. It's difficult subject matter. But if we approach it with common sense I believe we might learn something that could enrich our lives. But before we begin, please bring your permission slips up to my desk. Those whose parents did not give you permission to learn with me you can read for an hour in the school library. - Sorry, Peggy. - Sorry, Mrs. Peggy Hill. BOBBY: Looks like it's just you and me, Mom. Okay, son. Well, let's begin with the difference between boys and girls. You mean the penis? Yes, the penis. Hello? Bobby? Luanne? Well, is anybody home? Where is everybody? I sent the kids off to see a double feature. [Romantic country music playing] May I have this dance? Smooth elbows, Peg. I seem to recall you kind of like being dipped. Oh, Hank. Watch your back. Good as ever. [Yelling in pain] [Crash] HANK: Are you okay? PEGGY: Uh-huh. HANK: Well, as long as we're down here [Giggling] [Phone ringing] PEGGY ON MACHINE: Hello. You have reached the Hill residence. Please leave a message at the tone. [Beep] DALE: You don't know who I am. But I know where you live, Sex Ed teacher. And you better cut it out if you know what's good for you. Oh, and Hank, we changed that tee-off time to 3:00. See ya. [Theme music]