Mike Judge - EP1 - Pilot lyrics

[Instrumental country music] [Insect buzzing] Yep. Yep. Yep. [Agreeing] You know what it could be? That damn starter motor. You getting good compression? Yeah. I know what's wrong with it. It's a Ford. You know what they say Ford stands for, don't you? It stands for "Fix It Again, Tony. " You're thinking of a Fiat, Dale. "Fix It Again" [Muttering] I'll tell you what you do. You take them spark plugs out, and in that little hole you put oil round there, just like Bobby Unser said: "The shock'd go bo-boom," just like that. Well, I wish it were that simple, Boomhauer. But I'll tell you what my truck really needs. Leadership. Detroit hasn't felt any real pride since George Bush went to Japan and vomited on their auto executives. Who's ready? [Cans crumpling] You all catch the Seinfeld show last night? - Yep. - Hell, I missed it. [Muttering] See that part where dang old George comes in there? He talks about tasting his own burp. And Kramer comes sliding in just like he always does. I tell you what, man, them dang old New York boys. Just a show about nothing. [Theme music] What you listening to, son? I don't think you'd like it. Well, why not? I like this new generation of music. [Phone dialing] WOMAN: Hello? [Farting] Mother of God! It's all toilet sounds! Where did you record this? I bought it at the mall. It's the Funny Phone Jerks. HANK: Let me tell you, Bobby, there's nothing funny about these sounds. What that person on your tape has is a medical disorder. Now you get ready for the game, okay? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. That boy ain't right. [Screams] HANK: Oh, God! Luanne, I thought you went home! No, Uncle Hank, Mama and Daddy are still fighting. Well, you're welcome to stay. But for God's sakes, girl, lock the door. I've got a minor son living in this house. [Car door opening] So are you ready to kick some Wildcat bu*t, Bobby? Okay. Now don't you worry, son. You just do your best. Don't listen to her, Bobby. If you want to win, you're gonna have to do better than your best. How do I do that? You gotta give 110 percent. That's what'll give you that winning edge. But what if the Wildcats give 110 percent, too? Well, then you gotta try even harder. How about if Bobby gave 112 percent? Sure, that'd work. Or maybe 113. [Sighs] Yeah, yeah, that's even better. No, I don't know. Look, we're not talking about 13. We're talking about 113. And even Okay, give 112, what's the difference? Look, Bobby, just do your best, okay? [Crowd chattering] HANK: Swing, Bobby! Swing! Swing! [Stuttering wildly] Ball one. Good eye, honey, good eye. Oh, for crying out loud. Bobby, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. And you can't get on base without taking a swing. The pitcher could walk me, couldn't he? Don't play lawyer-ball, son. Now you hit the next one out of the park. HANK: Run! Run! Run! [Sighs] [Whistling] HANK: Look at the batter, boy! Watch the ball! Huh? What? Hey, don't look at me! Keep your eye on the ball. Keep my eye on the what? Stop looking at me, boy! Watch the ball! Can't hear you, Dad! [Crowd gasps] [Sighs] Don't worry, Bobby. You played a good game. I gotta stop in here for a minute, and get me some WD-40 and a tap and die. [Muzak playing] INTERCOM: Manager to Register 47, please. [Sighing] I hate this place. Excuse me, where is the hardware department? Where is the hardware department? CLERK: What exactly is it you're looking for? The hardware department. But are you looking for, like, a tool or something? What difference does it make? What difference does it make? Okay, I'm looking for a tap and die and some WD-40. Huh. Well, what is it you're trying to do? I'm trying to buy a tap and die and some WD-40 and get out of this godforsaken store! [Sighing] And what is a tap and die? Okay! Forget it! Let's say I want a hammer! Do you know what a hammer is? That's what I want! A damned hammer! Now where in the hell would I go? That's that Hank Hill fella that lives on the block next to us. WOMAN 1: Has a temper, doesn't he? WOMAN 2: Sure does. Makes you wonder who gave his boy that black eye. You're going to have to pay for that, dude. HANK: You're fired! - Ella says she saw Hank hit his son. - Really? Well, I heard he threatened a clerk in Mega Lo Mart with a hammer. Did you hear about Hank Hill? He beat up his son. Some ladies in Mega Lo Mart tried to stop him. He beat them up, too. Somebody really ought to report him for the boy's sake. ANTHONY: You say he hit his son with a bat? No. That is definitely not acceptable. I wish I could, ma'am. But the regulations say we can't take custody of the boy without an interview. Don't you worry. He's in the system now. I am on my way. [Whimpers] DALE: Hey, I know what's wrong with your truck. It's your "pollution control. " I heard on talk radio you don't even need them. They're just an egghead government plot. How is cutting down on pollution a government plot, Dale? Open up your eyes, man. They're trying to control global warming. Get it? Global. So what? [Thumping] That's code for UN commissars telling Americans what temperature it's gonna be in our outdoors. I say let the world warm up. See what Boutros-Boutros-Ghali-Ghali thinks about that. We'll grow oranges in Alaska. [Thumping] Dale, you giblet-head, we live in Texas. [Thumping] It's already 110 in the summer. And if it gets one degree hotter, I'm gonna kick your a**. [Thumping] What in God's name is that thumping sound? [Thumping] PEGGY: Bobby, why don't you go out and help your daddy? You have been watching way too much TV, son. Come on, Bobby, up. No more TV. Turn it off now. [Man crying] God love that poor man. [Screams] There. That's better. [Doorbell rings] [Thumping] Hello, I'm a social worker with the state. Would you mind if I talk to you for a minute? PEGGY: Sure. Come on in. HANK: Damn it. There it is again. Where is that thumping coming from? It's driving me crazy. Could be far-off helicopters. UN helicopters. Dale, what are you doing? Give me some light! Now! I can't see! My arm! My head! [Yelling in pain] God! Mrs. Hill, would you say your husband has a bad temper? Who, Hank? No, Hank is as gentle as a lamb. Dang, no more bouncing that ball! Hank, we have a visitor. So your a**ertion, Mr. Hill is that Bobby got the black eye at his baseball game? That is not my a**ertion. That's what happened. - Have you ever hit your son, Mr. Hill? - No! HANK: What the heck are you writing? All you gotta write is one word, "no"! Mr. Hill, I feel that you're coming from an anger mindset. And if you're projecting this anger onto me it gives me grave concerns as to how you facilitate your son's growth in private. Mister, I have not begun to project my anger onto you. ANTHONY: Mrs. Hill, how did you get this here on your forehead? This? Bobby threw his baseball at me. You threw a baseball at your mother? Hank, it was an accident. So would this be the same "baseball" that gave Bobby the black eye? Dale, you sure you want to be messing with Hank's truck when he's not around? DALE: I'm gonna help get him this alternator off. [Cable snapping] Dale, I think you released the brake cable. Dale! DALE: No, I didn't. I guess I better get going. I got some edging to do. ANTHONY: Do you work outside the home, Mrs. Hill? Yes, I do. I'm a substitute Spanish teacher. [Speaking Spanish] And you just have the one son? [Agreeing] Yeah, we would've liked to have more kids - but Hank has a narrow urethra. - Peggy! - In fact, Hank's s**m count - That's enough. What in the hell did you tell him that for? He asked me. He asked you how many kids we have. He didn't ask you about my glands. Please, Mr. Hill, loud is not allowed. What the"Loud is not allowed"? Now you listen to me, mister. I work for a living. And I mean real work. Not writing down gobbledygook. I provide the people of this community with propane and propane accessories. [Patriotic music playing] When I think of all my hard-earned tax dollars going to pay a bunch of little twig-boy bureaucrats like you it just makes me want to God, it just [Music stops abruptly] PEGGY: Hank? Honey, bring me my BC Headache Powder and a gla** of water. PEGGY: All right, Hank. Now, you listen here. You see that boy? That's my boy. And if you ever try to take him away, so help me God I'll tear you a new one bigger than the Grand Canyon. Now I want you to get out of my house. You're not welcome here. I mean now, before I give you a black eye! Git! [Patriotic music playing] DALE: You want to know about ol' Hank? Well Hank's got a lot of problems. Hey, baby! How about a couple of beers! Sorry, sug', I gotta go. I got another migraine treatment with John Redcorn. DALE: Nancy, you've been going to that healer for 12 years and you still get headaches every night. Healing process takes time, honey. [Rock music playing on radio] ANTHONY: Getting back to the Hill family. Have you ever seen Hank hit his child, Bobby? Hank? No sir, Bobby's his pride and joy because of his narrow urethra. [Laughs] - Are you absolutely sure? - 100 percent. You can ask my son. He's Bobby's best friend. Joseph! What is it, Daddy? You ever seen Hank hit Bobby? No, never. See? You can just move along now. [Muttering] I've been calling y'all better than a month now. Gripe about y'all every time that dog crosses the street starts yapping his jaw 24 hours a day, and nobody answered. How you supposed to do anything about that dog if you just get on your computer? Ain't gonna come over here and shut that dang ol' dog up. BOBBY: And then some weirdo came over and was asking us a bunch of questions. Yeah, he asked me if your dad ever whupped you. - He hasn't, right? - Of course not! You know my dad. He's all bark. That guy got him mad, though. My dad was like, "Get out of my house! "My boy ain't much, but he's all I got!" [Laughs] You do great impressions. Let me try. "I'll tear you a new one! "When I get my hands on you, you little pea-brain "I'll bust your bu*t into little pieces!" I knew it! Good God, Peggy, this was on my Road & Track. Luanne! Honey, can we talk to you? Wait! Not while I'm here. [Crying] LUANNE: Mama's in jail. She was saving a quart of beer for before bed. Daddy threw it out. She went after him with a fork. The trailer tipped over, everything went upside down. It's all gonna be on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol! And the wig I styled for the Beauty Academy is ruined. What am I gonna do, Uncle Hank? [Stuttering] There, there. You can stay with us till your mama comes home. You'll style a new wig better than before. I'll let you use my tools. Thanks, Uncle Hank. She has got to go. [Doorbell rings] Bobby, are you all right? Come on out. I thought I told you to get lost. Come on, Bobby. I can put you with a nice foster family in North Arlen where you can develop healthy life adaptations. And they've got a pool. Honey, let's give him Luanne. I got a girl in here you can take right now. Don't you want to live in a house with a pool? No. See, twig boy? Now get your skinny bu*t off of my property. Bobby, I know you can't talk in front of him. HANK: I said git! Get out of here! ANTHONY: Okay. - You are out of control! - You're out of control, Twiggy. - Thanks for the latte, Kenneth. - Anthony, could I see you a minute? So on this Hill family case you couldn't confirm any actual abuse, but you still recommended the state take custody? Yeah, I mean, the whole neighborhood was Redneck City. Did you see in the report, how he dented my Geo? "Redneck City. " That's pretty funny. - Where you from, son? - Los Angeles. Let's see here, "hit by a baseball. " So How did you like ol' Harvey? [Gulps] Who's Harvey? He's the Little League coach. You did talk to the Little League coach, didn't you? [Nervous laughter] [Banging and drilling] Son, have you lost your mind? Wait! Dad, you're not supposed to yell at me anymore. The guy from the state said your hostility invalidates our parent-child contract. You're quoting that twig boy at me? Hank, the neighbors. Remember, he said, "loud is not allowed," Dad or they'll take me away. [Sighs] Oh, God. [Giggles] [Phone ringing] Hello? BOSS: Is this the Hill residence? Who am I talking to? Bobby Hill. BOSS: Son, this is the State Social Services. We're calling off our investigation of your father. The worker that visited you will be leaving the office and going back to LA. You please tell your parents we apologize for the misunderstanding. Okay. I'll tell them. Bye. Bobby, who was that? Wrong number. [Hank humming] LUANNE: I borrowed your truck this morning, Uncle Hank. It wouldn't start at first, because of a clogged fuel line, but I blew it clean. Hey, Bobby, go plug this in the garage for me. BOBBY: Okay. Want to see something cool? HANK: What in the heck? Don't you see I'm working here? Close the dang door. Bob, just keep put, stop! Stop hitting that bu*ton! Give me that thing! Dad, that's not respectful adult-child growth dialogue. I'll give you dialogue that's not coming from a center of anger. Please return the garage door to its factory-preset down position! That is cool. [Rock 'n' roll music playing] HANK: Bobby, hey! Please respect my fence's right to be a fence. Now! [Boys laughing] BOBBY: You can't do nothing. HANK: Hey! Hey! BOBBY: You're all wet, Dad! [Hank howling] BOBBY: Creak. [Makes footsteps sound effect] Boing! PEGGY: What on God's green earth are you making those noises for? They're sound effects, like that guy on Police Academy. That's what I'm gonna do when I grow up, I've decided. And Dad can't say boo about it. PEGGY: Bobby, a man from the Child Protective Services just came by. He said that he told you last week that this investigation was off. [Exclaims] Please don't tell Dad! Son, I have to. He's been worried. - But I like him better this way. - How come? I can make him love me even when I screw up. Is that what you think? [Hank sighing] It's hard, Peggy. I don't want to lose my little boy, my only son. But it's hard. Well, you can relax. The investigation has been off for a week only, Bobby didn't tell us. - I'll k** him! - All right, calm down, honey. Now let me explain. He didn't do it to be mean. Bobby honestly doesn't think that you love him all the time. That's crazy. Of course I love him. Very good. Now, say it to Bobby. What are you talking about? I want you to tell Bobby that your love for him is unconditional. I can't say that. I can't! You know how I was raised. What my father's like. I got my shins blowed off by a Japan man's machine gun! So don't come crying to me with your problems! Honey, I'm begging you. For the sake of this family, you have got to do it. He's waiting for you out on the porch. Jeez. [Muttering] Damn twig boy comes over here [Clears throat] [Grunts] You You're my son. Well, you know, with everything that entails. [Agreeing] [Grunts] You know feelings of fondness and more [Nervous laughter] You know what I mean, don't you, boy? No. [Sighing] Well [High-pitched wheeze] That's a hell of a weird sound. I never made that before. I you family. HANK: You're not making this easy on me, boy. Okay. I love you no matter what you do. There! Let's go get something to eat! I'm not just a big disappointment to you? Disappointment? No. You make me proud. I've been disappointed by just about everything else in this town. But you? Not once. Damn it, you're my boy. You know better than that. [Giggling] ANTHONY: He punched him! I knew it! I told them! Did you see that? See what, twig boy? ANTHONY: Never mind. [Theme music]