Michael John LaChiusa - Patti By The Pool lyrics

[Spoken] [Nancy] Don't make faces at me, Patti [Patti] How do you know I'm making faces? [Nancy] I can hear your face moving [Patti] You oughtta just tell me the real reason you wanted to see me I mean, come on. After six months of not talking to me - six months - you and my father shut me out just ‘cause you were mad about my book? [Nancy] I didn't read it [Patti] It was just fiction [Nancy] I didn't read it [Patti] And you didn't talk to me for six months? [Nancy] We're talking now. [Patti] I mean, it's cool - you're in L.A. visiting your old pal, Betsy But don't ask me to believe you'd cram a mother/child kiss-and-make-up-reunion into your schedule, so what's the real reason you wanted me here? [Nancy] To see you. You live in L.A., why not spend a nice day at Betsy's pool together before I leave for the ranch? [Patti] For Thanksgiving . . . to which I'm not invited. [Laughs] Blow me [Nancy] You know I don't like that expression, Patti [Patti] How much you pay for that bathing suit? Some designer give it to you? I think you're a little old for it, frankly Me, I'm just not into fashion sh** Your kind of thing - it isn't real Me, I'm just not into frou-frou crap Your kind of thing - it's so bourgeois The money that you blow on your silly suits and your evening gowns and your stupid hats. The money that you throw at designer names: It's a sickening thing, it's unconscionable. [Sung] Gimme an old pair of jeans instead You can keep your Nancy Reagan red [Spoken] Nah, I'm just not into tranny drag Your kind of thing - it's such a joke [Sung] Do you know what it's like To have a narcissistic mother? Do you know how it is Do you care? No, you're more concerned about your hair And the stupid tranny clothes you wear [Spoken] Me, I'm just not into you, Mommy Dearest [Sung] ‘Cause you never try To get into my head Screw you and your Nancy Reagan red I don't think you heard a word I said [Spoken] And you wonder why I wish that I were dead [Nancy] We all have problems, Patti [Patti] What's that supposed to mean? [Nancy] You're 32 years old [Patti] Yeah… [Nancy] Not some child [Anita] Your Orange Blossom, Mrs. Reagan [Nancy] [Laughs] A straw, Anita. You forgot a straw [Anita] [Laughs] Of course [Patti] Thank you, Anita [Anita] May I get you anything, Miss Davis? [Patti] Uh, I'll have a Jack and Coke [Nancy] It's a little early [Patti] You're drinking [Nancy] It's a very weak Orange Blossom Anita, let Mrs. Bloomingdale know that I'm poolside [Anita] Yes, Mrs. Reagan [Nancy] Oh, and make sure we're all packed to take off tomorrow We've got to get the ranch in order before Ronnie comes in The staff never does anything right unless I'm there [Anita] Yes, Mrs. Reagan [Nancy] Betsy runs an impeccable house, doesn't she? [Anita] The Bloomingdale house is well stocked [Nancy] Her staff is just so on top of things [Anita] Everyone is very nice [Nancy] Don't you love her new dining room? That chandelier with the tiny, sparkly fairy light …. [Laughs] … twinkly things? [Anita] Very nice [Nancy] Her eye for detail . . . . [Patti] A Jack and Coke, Anita? [Nancy] A straw first, Anita Thank you [Patti] You're here, my father's in Washington That's a new one - you never let him out of your sight [Nancy] Your father is under a lot of stress [Patti] [Laughs] I'll bet We did not, I repeat did not, trade weapons for hostages or anything else [Nancy] Would you want to see your father at Thanksgiving? [Patti] I've got plans [Nancy] As I said, you're 32 years old You can make your own decisions [Patti] I read my horoscope It's lookin' pretty good Lots of fun things in store for me [Laughs] Money. Oh yeah, yeah Lots o' love and romance And a black man Yeah, a big, hunky black man gonna come into my life Gonna make me his b**h ‘Fore he makes me his wife Yeah [Sung] [Patti] A big, nasty black man Gonna turn this mother out Gonna learn what perestroika Is really all about Oh, Mama Oh, Papa Gonna break your heart When my black man takes me down In an acrobatic star Oh, Mama Oh, Papa Gonna freak you out Push this Ooh, push that Ooh, hoo, shake your boo thang Thang, thang, thang, thang [Spoken] [Anita] Your straw, Mrs. Reagan [Nancy] Thank you, Anita Oh, let Mrs. Bloomingdale know I spoke to Benita, and we're still on for dinner tonight at the Bel Air [Anita] Of course [Nancy] I wish the pool at the White House were kept as lovely as this [Anita] Very lovely [Nancy] Not a single leaf or bug to be seen [Anita] It's very clean [Nancy] I wonder if Betsy's poolman could talk to ours . . . [Patti] Did you know Paraguay is the largest manufacturer and distributor of marijuana in the whole of South America? [Nancy] Thank you, Anita. [Patti] And can I have my Jack and Coke? Gracias. It's weird that Anita was indicted for gun trafficking [Nancy] She wasn't involved [Patti] [Laughs] A hundred thousand rounds of ammunition? [Nancy] She wasn't involved [Patti] Well, you did keep her on in spite of her arres That took some big a** cajones I always thought you had bigger cajones than my father At least you knew how to slap me around as a kid and make it mean something Now that would make a good book, wouldn't it? [Anita] You're expecting a call from the President at noon [Nancy] Let's just hope he remembers. My Ronnie . . . [Anita] Yes, Mrs. Reagan [Nancy] He's getting so forgetful [Anita] Yes, Mrs. Reagan [Nancy] And Jim Baker hasn't returned my call yet Will you see about that? [Anita] Yes, Mrs. Reagan [Patti] Hey, some of us are thirsty, Anita [Laughs] My Ronnie My Ronnie Ronnie Mommy The names you call each other Poo pants? Poop chin? What's that all about? Ah, your marriage is somethin' else Just you two Just you two What's that all about? Just you two, no one else Not us kids, only you and Poo Pants Why'd you bother having kids? Let's play 20 questions. [Nancy] Let's enjoy this nice day [Patti] Nah, let's play 20 questions I wanna get into your head I wanna delve beneath the crap Dig beneath the Nancy Reagan red It would be helpful for my book Yes, I will write another book: a memoir, nonfiction About me and you and Poo Pants So, let's play 20 questions Okay, I'll start: Is it true that before you became the queen of Washington You were the blow job queen of Hollywood? [Nancy] Language, Patti [Patti] Just say . . . no [Laughs] Just say no Barf-aroni But better than your foster grandparent crap Foster grandparents - what the hell was that about? Adopt some old fart, like you? [Laughs] Like my father? Why not adopt some little kid who's starving . . . Or beat up . . . by her parents . . . who hate her? [Laughs] Foster grandparents - how is that a First Lady cause? Jesus Hey, what are you gonna do when you aren't First Lady anymore? Say, like, your Ronnie gets impeached over this whole Iran-Contra crap? [Nancy] Patti, please I know you're angry with me, but can't we just . . . sit? Your father needs us both right now We should be there for him - his two favorite girls [Patti] You really want me to come for Thanksgiving? [Nancy] You always make him smile [Patti] I know [Nancy] It breaks my heart that you and he haven't spoken for awhile [Patti] And that's my fault? [Nancy] Can't you just let go of the past? If you could do that, it would do us both so much good [Sung] [Patti] What makes me wanna hate you, Nancy? Have you ever wondered? No, you've never wondered What makes me wanna hate you Hit you where it hurts Kick you where it counts Make you wanna cringe And cry and shriek [Spoken] Just forget all the sh** you've done to me? Just let it go and, and look to a sparkly Chandelier-y, leaf-free, bug-free future? ‘Cause it would do good? [Laughs] You really think I'm buying that? You're only thinking of yourself [Sung] It's all about you The world's about you Don't you know I see Nothing's about me You're narcissistic You're all about you Or should I say Poo Poop Chin, whatever? Nothing can dissuade Your having to parade Your giant head and Nancy-ness [?] shriek and coiffed and by design Nancy-ness That steely gaze That sober mind Nancy-ness Years ago I had to learn It's all about you I'd hate to be you You made the choice To give up your life To a B-listed actor Who needed a wife A second wife Not first, but second wife [Spoken] I could almost feel sorry for you Women like you from the olden days You didn't have many choices But you did have the choice to be a good mother or a crummy one [Sung] Sometimes I think about Jane Wyman My father's first wife Sometimes I wonder if Jane Wyman Would have made a good mom She could act Better than you - it's a fact Jane Wyman, would she have made a good mom? I don't know But I digress I was saying It's all about you All life's about you And though your Nancy-ness thinks It's so easy to let go Forgive and just say no Well, it's not And so, I can hate you My mother, the actress, a good one However, Jane Wyman Was better, but that's it I'll say it: I hate you For all you'll never do And you can blow me It's all about you [Spoken] [Nancy] How hard it's been for you all these years How hard it was for you and your brother Ronnie and I so busy, always busy Hollywood, politics, then the White House Children get lost, they get angry, hurt themselves, lash out Some don't make it But you survived, Patti, you have And you have talent When a person has talent, it ought to be pursued And you are a good writer, a really good writer [Patti] How do you know I'm a good writer if you didn't read my book? [Nancy] [Laughs] Oh, Patti I want, I want you to know that your father and I are proud of you Of your ambition, your courage to take a stand, your wit We're proud of you, and we need you with us now It's us against the world, Patti Us against the world [Patti] Thanksgiving? [Nancy] Please [Patti] Okay [Nancy] [Laughs] Thanksgiving at the ranch, all of us together again like old times Your father will be so happy He needs a break from Washington He needs to be with people who love him - us girls [Patti] Us girls. [Nancy] And your brother, too. [Patti] Oh, he's not dancing this year? [Both laugh] [Patti] This Iran-Contra crap; what's Daddy gonna do? [Nancy] He didn't know anything [Patti] Well, he would've had to know something, right? [Nancy] He didn't know anything [Patti] I mean, without him giving some sort of okay a**holes like Ollie North don't just start screwin' around with Nicaraguan maniacs, selling arms for hostages [Nancy] He didn't know anything [Patti] Come on. Come on, he's the president, he knows about everything Like he didn't know about the October Surprise? Surprise! He knew those Iranians wouldn't be releasing the hostages ‘til after the election He knew all about that, you know he knew Nah, he's gotta know somethin' about this Iran-Contra crap [Nancy] He didn't know anything, Patti. That's all you have to say. [Patti] All I have to say? Like . . . if some reporter asks me? [Nancy] It would be nice if you avoided saying anything about your father if someone does ask Just ‘til we smooth things over [Patti] ‘Til you find a way to cover up the crap, you mean Like that HUD business and, and the Savings and Loans bullsh** [Sung] Whip [?], [?] gate, ABSCAM [Spoken] He didn't know anything [Sung] That's all I have to say [Spoken] That's why I'm here - for you to tell me to keep my mouth shut? Well, what if I don't? You don't control me, I'm not one of your servants You can't control me, and that's what's always pissed you off You didn't want me here for some mother/child reunion or fu**ing Thanksgiving You wanted me here to tell me to shut up Well, you can't shut me up [Anita] You have a call [Nancy] Ronnie? [Anita] Mr. Baker on line two. [Nancy] Oh, this will only be a minute, Patti. Anita, my daughter would like a Jack and Coke [Anita] Ice? [Nancy] Yes Thank you Jim, what are we doing about Don? We both know he's not good for the president But we don't want him around, Jim No, there's no need to talk to Ronnie about this Jim, we need Don Regan gone. Do you understand? Good, very good. And where are we at with Weinberger? He's just gotta go, Jim. He's handling everything all wrong Yes Yes, just . . . . plant the seed Good. Oh, I like that Oh, yes, I can't wait for Ronnie to get here He so needs to get away; we both need the ranch Oh, you're very sweet You have a lovely Thanksgiving, too, Jim ‘Bye, Jim I'm sorry, Patti, what were you saying? [Sung] [Patti] Mommy's gonna make things A-Okay But you gotta do things Mommy's way Else she's gonna run you outta town Squash you like a bug and shut you down But if you're a good girl Mommy's nice, fixes you a drink with lots of ice Do as Mommy says, don't give her crap And Mommy will reward you With a slap Why'd you use my lipstick? Damn, don't do that! Slap! Why'd you eat that cookie? God, you're too fat Slap! Slap! Why'd you have your period without coming [?] Now your sheet's ruined, you think that linen's free? Your father can't be bothered Won't you learn? Slap! Can't you see? Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! Slap! My Mommy, Why, Mommy? What, Mommy? No, Mommy! No, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy! No, Mommy! No, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy, no, Mommy! [Sobs] [Spoken] [Nancy] He didn't know anything, Patti That's all you had to say; so simple [Anita] It worked [Nancy] Yes [Anita] Should I shoot her? [Nancy] That's plan C [Both laugh] [Anita] She'll be out for three days, sleep it off at the ranch Gives you time to do what you need to do [Nancy] Three days? What was in her drink this time? [Anita] [Foreign language] Paraguay Nightshade also called, uh, Blue Potato Bush And some Stevia for sweetness [Anita lights up] [Nancy] You know I don't do that [Inhales] It smells wonderful [Anita] Oh, Paraguay manufactures and distributes the largest supply of marijuana in the whole of South America. [Both laugh] [Nancy] Betsy's thrown so many wonderful parties here - just fun beatiful things Bowls of pretty pink roses Candlelight. Smoked salmon and avocado to start Then stuffed chicken; boned, stuffed chicken with straw potatoes Fresh raspberries with the most delicate, tiniest lace cookies And dancing Alfred and Betsy, Marian and Earl, Walter and Lee, Ronnie and me [Sung] All my friends [Spoken] I like it here I can see Ronnie and me moving back here after we're done with Washington Find a nice place in Bel Air close to Betsy and the whole group Of course, you'll come, too It would be nice. Someday. In the future Oh, a bug Well, let's try to make Thanksgiving at the ranch fun this year I once said, “If you can save just one child, then it's worth it.” I believe that But only sometimes Is it crazy to think that?