Matthew Ebel - A Future History Of Christmas lyrics

(Note: The voice in [square brackets] is PROTO-1) (Spoken:) Hello there, and welcome back to episode number Wait. Can we actually call this an episode? (Not really, the episodes are free, Captain) Alright then, welcome back to this special edition of High Orbit Thank you very much for buying this little album, we appreciate it And if you torrented the album, of course, we'll be sending the Robot Army to visit you shortly (We know where you sleep at night) Anyway, right now the robots and I are taking UTF revolution down to a planet out in the Cossner system We've been lucky enough to get some work out here, even though Business for guys like me tends to slow time this time of year (Well, time of year is a relative term depending on what planet you're from) Well, according to the UTF metric calendar it is indeed the Christmas season And, as we all know, nobody ships packages to other planets during Christmas time So it's difficult to make ends meet as a space courier And we're kind of in a down economy anyway (Well, actually, in space , "down" is a relative term, too) Yeah, you know what I mean. Uh, everything kind of went down the drain after Allied Investment Galactic Known to most people around here as AIG - went bust It seems that years of mismanagement, greed, and corruption finally took its toll on the financial system (I don't suppose their sun going nova had anything to do with it either) Well, I don't want to bicker about details. The point is, everyone's investments kind of went down in flames (Very right. Very radioactive flames) You know, I'm just glad there are kind souls out there like Mister Bruce who are still hiring Independent contractors like you and me are usually left out in the cold at times like this But, you know. Mister Bruce is really showing some Christmas spirit (Eh, we'll see about that: he still hasn't paid us yet) Yeah, well, I can- I can't really ask for payment up front any more, we are in a down economy (And we have no idea what's "in" the crates that we're shipping. They could be... Clubbed, baby octopoid skins for all we know) Well, that's true, too. But I try not to be nosey when there are paying customers involved, especially BOTH: In a down economy Right. Even if those customers happen to be two-foot-long space sharks like Mister Bruce I don't ask questions, alright. I just try to make ends meet I have a ship, and I have a stomach, and they both need fuel (And you have Christmas gifts to buy) Right, and- wait, what? (Well, according to UTF records, Christmas back on Earth used to be a celebration of capitalism) Capitalism? They had a holiday for that? (Well, no-one's really sure how it started, but the early records say it grew from a month-long ritual of Cooking way too much food and spending more than you could afford on useless stuff) Huh (Over the centuries, the season started earlier and earlier, until a second Christmas had to be added to the calendar) A "second" Christmas? (Well, that's what the records say. The entire year is centred around these two ma** wa**ails of gluttony and commercialism) Two ma** "wa**ails"? Like, "here we come a-wa**ailing"? (Please don't sing that) I- I don't even know what it means! (Well, according to records, to wa**ail is to, quote: "Drink plentiful amounts of alcohol and enjoy oneself with others in a noisy, lively way) So, all those carollers you hear at Christmas-time (Are singing about a kegger, yes, anyway: Some of the smaller planets even held week-long festivals where toys would be played with until they broke Then new toys would be brought in to replace them) Sort of a...retail vomitorium, you might say (And a literal one, too. Don't forget about all the food and drink) Yeah, how could I forget? Uh, well...you know, I've never heard of all this before: When did this end? (After the great wall-mart ma**acre of 2817) Urgh. Do- do I even want to know? (Well, they've got photos on record, I could just) No! No, no, no, no, that's okay. I really don't want to know I don't know- I always thought Christmas was a religious thing (Uh-huh) You know, Christ-ma**, it's literally what it means. It's about the birth of Jesus Christ way back, you know, several thousands of years ago Although, granted, this time of year, at least on Earth anyway it, it sort of centred around A few other holidays from a few other faiths, so it sort of became this Giant ma** of...buying each other stuff and eating way too much food Okay, fine All I know is, these days, it's gotten back to a religious thing, that's why nobody shops or travels or... Hires starving space captains around this time (Well, it might be a religious thing "now" but, I don't know, I don't think that's how it started out)