Louis CK - Lincoln Skit lyrics

[ open on Freedman Jones sitting in a tavern, as Abraham Lincoln enters and sits next to him ] Abraham Lincoln: [ to the bartender ] Can I get a coffee? [ the bartender hands Lincoln a coffee in a pewter mug ] Abraham Lincoln: Thank you. [ glancing at Jones ] Hey. Freedman Jones: [ disinterested ] Mmm-hmm. Abraham Lincoln: How's it going? You going -- it's going good, huh? Freedman Jones: I'm sorry? Abraham Lincoln: It's just, uh... you know, you're all emancipated. It's good, right? I'm, uh... Freedman Jones: I know who you are. Abraham Lincoln: Oh? Okay. Oh. I just... Freedman Jones: [ standing ] Hey! Everybody? Hey! I just want to thank -- Abraham Lincoln: No, no... Freedman Jones: President Lincoln here for, uh... for everything that he's done for me! Especially my NEW job -- of shoveling HORSE sh*t... into a wagon! [ Lincoln appears stung ] Freedman Jones: [ sitting ] Is that what you want? Abraham Lincoln: I-I just don't... I don't have any... Freedman Jones: You don't have any...? Abraham Lincoln: Black friends. Freedman Jones: [ to the bartender, as he stands to leave ] He's gonna pay for this. [ to Lincoln ] Hard to be you! [ cut to "Lincoln" theme song, "Louie, Louie, Louie..." lyrics replaced with "Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln..." ] [ Lincoln runs up a subway platform ] [ SUPER: "LINCOLN" ] [ Lincoln runs into a calzone shop ] [ SUPER: "STARRING ABRAHAM LINCOLN" ] [ as he eats his calzone, a pa**erby gives Lincoln the middle finger ] [ SUPER: "EDITED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN" ] [ Lincoln heads into the Comedy Cellar ] [ SUPER: "TELEPLAY BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN" ] [ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ] Abraham Lincoln: The one thing I'm really tired of... is... arguing with slave owners about slavery. As if they're not just f**ing a**holes! Like that's realllly hard. And they're like, "Oh! But I like owning people!" "Yeah, no, no... I get it. I totally get that." Like you gotta act like you're kinda cool with it. "No, look -- if I could own a couple of dudes, I'd LOVE to own a couple of dudes! I totally get it." You gotta act like this is... like a 50-50 issue. You know, I just kinda think... that owning a person... is NOT cool, you stupid dick! [ cut to Lincoln at home with Mary Todd ] Mary Todd Lincoln: Do you have the tickets? Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, I have the tickets. Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well, don't just "Yeah, I have the tickets." Like, I don't want to show up and then not have the tickets. Abraham Lincoln: I HAVE them! I mean, they're gonna let us in. It's fine. Mary Todd Lincoln: Okay. Well... I'm just saying, I don't want to get there, and then they just won't let us in without a ticket... Abraham Lincoln: They'll let us in! They'll let us in! I'm the PRESIDENT! Mary Todd Lincoln: Oh. Okay. So, then, they'll just give you special treatment because you're "The President." Like, when does it stop, you know? Abraham Lincoln: It stops AT the President! Okay? If you're the President -- or higher -- you get in stuff, tickets or not! Everybody else, no; me, yes! [ cut to Lincoln performing a stand-up routine ] Abraham Lincoln: I'm married now. My wife is, uh... is crazy. Literally... historically insane. One thing I'm really sure of... is that somebody's gonna murder me. I just KNOW... I'm totally getting murdered! This is not even a question. Like when they murder me -- whoever murders me -- when I get murdered... it's just gonna say: "It Happened!" And you're just gonna know what "It" is. And then, I don't... you know who I feel bad for? The detective who has to try to solve my murder. Because they're gonna go, "Let's see, who might... who might have done it? Oh, I don't know -- everybody from the middle of the country down? Maybe they... maybe one of them did it." Maybe they had a motive, like I ruined the way they do EVERYTHING? [ fade to black ] [ SUPER: "CREATED BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN" ] [ return to Lincoln sitting in the tavern, this time with JP ] [ SUPER: "GUEST STARRING MARY TODD LINCOLN FREEDMAN JONES FREEDMAN JENKINS" ] Abraham Lincoln: Hey, uh... it's cold, huh? [ SUPER: "Unit Production Manager U.S. GRANT First Assistant Director HANNIBAL HAMLIN Second Assistant ANDREW JOHNSON" ] Abraham Lincoln: Lordy... Freedman Jenkins: Hey, so no one's SHOT you yet? [ SUPER: "Original Music by THOMAS "TAD" LINCOLN" ] Abraham Lincoln: [ stung ] No. no, not yet. [ fade ]