Last Week Tonight with John Oliver - Home Depot Commercial lyrics

This transcript is annotated! Click on the highlights to read what others are saying. If you'd like to add your own insights, comments, or questions to a specific line, highlight the relevant text and click on the bu*ton that pops up. John: With the biggest retail season of the year nearly upon us, one major retailer unveiled a huge innovation this week. (Queues news footage from Fox Five News Live): Lowes is testing out Robotic shopping a**istants at one of its smaller hardware stores. Robotic Shopping Assistant: Hello. I am Oshbot. The Orchard store robot helper. What are you looking for today? Male Customer: Where can I find more of these? Robotic Shopping Assistant: Is this the item you are looking for? Male Customer: Yes Robotic Shopping Assistant: I'll take you. (Audience laughs) John: Yes, Lowes is introducing Robot Sales Assistants to one of their stores. Which might seem like a good idea but brace yourself Lowes 'cause you may be about to get a lot of s**ual hara**ment lawsuits from your refrigerators. (Audience laughs) John: Although, going by their promotional video, at least someone seems to be a fan. (Queues promotional video) Male Customer: I actually really liked it and we could be considered friends. (Audience laughs) John: Ok. Stop it, stop, stop, stop - Stop it. Because the sentence, "The Customer Service Robot at Lowes is my friend," maybe the single saddest sentiment every spoken out loud. (Audience laughs) John: Robot a**istants are a terrible idea. And here's why. Sales a**ociates at home improvement stores are not there to help people find things. They're there to stop couples from tearing each other apart. (Audience laughs) John: If you really want to test your marriage, go buy home supplies together. Because Lowes is like a swingers party or a couples brunch. No one is leaving on speaking terms. (Audience laughs) John: And the worst thing is, Lowes knows this. Look at their own ads. (Queues Lowe's ad) Husband: We went to Lowe's just for some light bulbs Wife: (Chuckles) and we got distracted. I got distracted. Husband: We got a little bit distracted. Lowes Employee: They were looking at light bulbs. But I had a feeling they were interested in some things for the patio. Can I help you with something for the patio? Husband: No Wife: Yes Husband: Yes. Lowes Employee: That means yes. (Audience laughs) John: Nicely done. Lowe's Employee. You sense that an explosive argument was coming and you diffused it with an emotional anesthetic of patio furniture. (Audience laughs) John: Robots can't do that. They don't realize that home improvement stores are a lethal combination of everything that can ruin a relationship. Spending money, reconciling tastes, long term planning and florescent lighting. (Audience laughs) John: In fact, if I was Home Depot and I heard that Lowe's were replacing humans with robots this is the ad that I would be running. (Queues ad) Doug: At Home Depot, we value the personal touch. Sure Lowe's may have robots but we know there are some things... (Audience applauds) Doug: Machines can't do. Husband: We came to Home Depot to renovate our kitchen and things got a little heated. Wife: He had his heart set on this copper sink. Husband: Guilty. Wife: (giggles) Doug: They started bickering but I had a feeling it wasn't about the copper sink. It never is about the copper sink. Husband: Why you fighting me on this? It, it has a ten year warranty? Wife: Oh uh, I'm sorry. Are we going to be in this house for ten more years? Husband: Well, where else we are going to go? Wife: In a house big enough for the second child promised me we were going to have. Husband: Oh my God. Doug: Hey, if I can just but in here there is a lot to be said for a hammered finish copper sink. It adds a lot of warmth to any room and copper is naturally easy to maintain. Plus, it is just a sink. Husband: It is just a sink... Wife: It's just a sink. Husband: Yeah. Doug: You guys like Glade Plugins? Wife: Ooooo Doug: Check this out. Husband: Doug was great. He gave us advice right when we needed it. Wife: Specifically right before one of us said something we could never take back. Doug: (winks) Husband: Hey, this eucalyptus is nice. Momma would love it. Wife: Why does it matter what plants your mother would like. Husband: For when she moves in with us. Wife: No - I am not having this discussion again! Doug: Oh, boy Husband: I told you again, again I'm not putting her in a home - EVER! She raised me. Wife: Yeah, you and dead beat brother. Husband: That's your argument every time? You bring up Devlin? He's trying. It's hard to get a job when they have to do background checks. Doug: You should stick with the Boston fern on this one. The eucalyptus is for koalas and pessimists. (Laughs) (Husband and Wife both laugh) Doug: Now if you want I can show you some of our selection of floor plants Wife: YEAHH! Husband: Yes Wife: For sure! He talked to us about floor plants for five solid minutes until both of us forgot what we're fighting about. Doug: That's what we do here. Husband: Hey. I really like this bamboo floor. Wife: Of course you do. He loves everything Asian. Especially the girls he looks at on his PORN. Husband: Excuse me? Wife: Clear your history, Ben. You're not the only one who uses IPAD mini. That's someone's daughter. What if our daughter were Asian? Husband: How would our daughter be Asian? (Audience laughs and claps) Wife: Well we could adopt. If you weren't so selfish. Husband: Ok, so if you are asking me if I want to **** my hypothetical Asian daughter. Wife: Yeah Husband: The answer is no. Home Depot, I don't want to f*** my Asian daughter. Wife: My HERO!!! Doug: Guys, guys - forget about the bamboo. Sure it's good with the humidity but wood flooring is barely better than a carpet when it comes to a bathroom. Let me show you some ceramic tiles I think you both agree on. Husband: Yeah Wife: Great Husband: Yeah let's do it. Doug was great and the bathroom is beautiful. Wife: So you don't wish we gotten that copper sink? Husband: Not as much as I wish that you hadn't given a hand job to my best man on our wedding day. Wife: For the last time, we were not married. Husband: Is that the only one? How many hand jobs did you give out that day? Wife: I don't know. Let's count them out. Husband: Right, ok great let's do it. Wife: FINE!!! Husband: Two, three. Wife: Maybe Husband: Who else? Wife: Who remembers? Doug: Hey, let's, let's take a look at some paint swatches and think about freshening up that kitchen. Wife: Great. Husband: Yeah. Doug: What if you take a spring gra**, lay it right in here on tournament field? Wife: Oh wow that looks great together! Husband: I'm good with that. Doug: Let's talk back splash. (Husband and Wife laugh) (Audience laughs and applauds)