Kim Basinger - The Nice Guys - Script lyrics

Estabilishing shot of Los Angeles, 1977 (title card reading that shows up, followed by the credits that roll until the next cut to black) A young boy, Bobby (Ty Simpkins) sneaks into his father's room and takes out a p**no magazine from under his bed. Bobby checks out the centerfold, adult film star Misty Mountains (Murielle Telio). In the distance, a car rolls down a hill. The car then crashes through Bobby's house and out into a ditch. He runs outside to check it out. MISTY MOUNTAINS lies twisted against the wreckage, completely nude, resembling the centerfold Bobby just saw. Bobby can't help staring, he tries to make sense of what he's seeing: that's Misty Mountains. That's her in the flesh. Her breath comes in hitches, gulps. Eyes, swimming. unfocused. She notices BOBBY. Fixes him with a pain-wracked stare. Says: MISTY MOUNTAINS: How... do you like my car... Big Boy..? SIRENS, approaching. She convulses. Spasms once, twice, BLOOD -pots from her mouth. She dies staring at him. The strangest moment in this kid's young life.The two of them in tableau, SIRENS, closer now. Wind, gusting. We hold—. And then Bobby does something odd, He grips his pajama top, Yanks it over his head, Shivers, it's cold, steps up next to the corpse... Delicately lays the fabric across her. Covers her up. Black. Cut to... CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS as a video titled "Pool Side Manners" begins. Three children walk down a staircase, towels in their backs. NARRATOR: Bart, Sarah and Jonathan are spending their leisure day at the city pool. Aren't they lucky? They play with a beach ball and jump in the pool. As they climb up the stairs, the narration returns. NARRATOR:Let's see what they have brought with them to the pool today. Bart with his white towel spread out. NARRATOR: Bart has a plain towel. A "ding" is heard as text reading "Adjective!" "PLAIN" appear on screen and Bart smiles. Next, Sarah with a yellow towel. NARRATOR: Sarah has a bright towel. Again with "Adjective!" "BRIGHT". Next, Jonathan with a rainbow-colored towel. NARRATOR: Jonathan has a gay towel. Cut to the cla**room watching this cheesy video, everyone laughing As the camera focuses on a certain female student - in front of a cla**mate who falls off his chair laughing - we then hear a voiceover by JACKSON HEALY(Russell Crowe)... JACKSON HEALY (VO): There's something wrong with kids today. They know too much. Cut to: OUTSIDE SCHOOL The girl is walking out the bus, saying goodbye to her cla**mates. Jackson still talking. HEALY (VO): Take this little gem. She's 13. Already she's got herself a winner. The girl approaches a nearby convertible, GIGGLING all the way as she talks to the driver. After a school bus pa**es behind her, we see Healy in a nearby bench, watching her as he reads the newspaper. HEALY (VO): Sure, he's three times her age, but he's got money for pot and he drives a nice car. Inside the creep's house, the two in the couch smoking pot. CREEP -Who's the man, baby? Who's the man? GIRL-You are. You're the man. CREEP -Yeah. That's right. That's right. I'm the man. GIRL-Oh, yes. You're my foxy-fox. Pan to Jackson waiting in the house's garage, eating a sandwich and throwing the crumbs on the car HEALY (VO): I'm not saying I wasn't a little ba*tard. I mean, I grew up Irish. The Bronx. Riverdale. I don't have a job title, I'm not in the Yellow Pages. The girl leaves in her bicycle. Healy walks towards the house. HEALY (VO): But if you got trouble with someone, someone's messing around with your underage daughter, you might ask around for me, Jackson Healy. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) HEALY-Are you the man? CREEP-What? (Healy slugs him, breaking his jaw) HEALY-Stay away from little girls. Healy walking out again HEALY (VO): Love. Grand, isn't it? I was in love once. Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate. Remember that. Television news, interview in a Car Exposition REPORTER: I'm here with a representative of the Detroit Auto Manufacturers,Mr Bergen Paulsen. And, Mr Paulsen, glad to have you here. I understand that you're in town for the big show. Tell us a little bit about it. BERGEN PAULSEN: Take a look at this outstanding line-up we have here for you. These cars are so incredible, they practically drive themselves. REPORTER: I do have to ask you about the allegations about collusion in regards to a smog control device, the recent lawsuit against the Big Three. BERGEN: I'm not gonna dignify that... We see this report is being watched by HOLLAND MARCH (Ryan Gosling), who is fully clothed inside a filled bathtub. (TELEPHONE RINGING. The answering machine beeps) HOLLAND MARCH (VO): You have reached March Investigations. This machine records messages. Wait for the tone and speak clearly. (March closes his eyes, clearly his head hurts. ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS) HOLLY (VO): This is your daughter speaking. Thursday, as you may remember, is my birthday. Please give accordingly. Also I hope you didn't forget that you're supposed to be working today. (March comes out of the tub, sits against the wall. His hand has a scribbled message: "YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY :)" He sighs.) MARCH (VO): I wish I wished for things, man. -(SIGHS) -(THUDS) (BELL DINGS) HOLLAND (VO):My folks, they told me to reach for the stars, and then my pals in the force said reach for the bra** ring, and then my wife died and I reached for whatever came in a gallon and cost a buck fifty. She used to say I got no follow-through. I hit nails in halfway and stop. She's not wrong. (March is shaving while waiting to fill his car. Everyone honks as a fight starts at the gas station) MAN: Hey, there's a line, a**hole! -Hey, what are you doing? (BOTH GRUNTING) HOLLAND (VO):They implemented a no-fault divorce here a couple of years back that really screwed things up. A lot of private cops folded. (March GROANS as he injures himself with the electric razor) HOLLAND (VO):Not me. I got this guy in a local retirement park. He kicks a few cases my way. WOMAN: It's my husband. Fred's his name. HOLLAND:Fred. WOMAN: He's gone missing. MARCH: Missing? WOMAN: I'm terribly worried. It's just Fred's never been gone this long before. [Holland notices a urn of ashes with Fred's name] HOLLAND:How long has he been missing? WOMAN: Since the funeral. HOLLAND:Well, I can start right away. (CAR DOOR SHUTS. Healy approaches Amelia (Margaret Qualley) in her car.) JACKSON: Amelia? AMELIA: Mr Healy. Um, I think there's two of them, but I only have the name and description for the one. You can take care of them? (she delivers a note in a paper shaped like a pink cow) HEALY: Consider it done. AMELIA: Thank you. I feel better already. HEALY: It's my job. AMELIA: (SIGHS) They've been following me around and asking my friends where I live. I've just been really scared, but, um, you make me feel safe. HEALY: You're short. AMELIA: I'm what? HEALY: You're $7 short. AMELIA: (SNIFFLES) Right, um... Sorry. Um... A flyer for Healy's services is seen on Amelia's back seat. Cut to him in the car after she gave him the money, Amelia seen driving away. Healy again starts a voiceover. JACKSON: Sometimes I feel okay about things.Not often. Could try for an investigator's licence. Become a P.I. Those guys help people. Maybe then I'd feel good in the morning. March in a s** shop. HOLLAND: She's got dark hair, about yea high. Name's Amelia. She might be from the neighbourhood. CASHIER: -No, can't help you, buddy. HOLLAND: No? CASHIER: Sorry. March leaves the shop, pa**es by plenty of p**n ads on the way to the street and returns with the monologue. HOLLAND (voiceover): I work in a cesspool. Sex. More s**. My wife, she used to say I make a living off rumpy-pumpy. Whatever. She was English. I don't know what the f** it means either. The point is I don't care if Colonel Mustard did it in the study with a candlestick, I just wanna know who he did it with and get the pictures. BARTENDER: Yeah, I think I remember her. Amelia, right? Was in here three or four nights ago. Drank bourbon martinis. MARCH: Well, that's disgusting. Any chance she, uh, paid with a credit card? BARTENDER: As in, am I gonna pull the receipts for you? Fat f**ing chance. (SNORTS. March has folded a dollar bill into a shirt.) BARTENDER: Is that a shirt? MARCH: Yeah. BARTENDER: It's very pretty. MARCH: I made it myself. BARTENDER: Yeah? (takes out a baseball bat) I made this. Later, the bartender has finished another work day, and leaves through the backdoor. March is waiting nearby for his departure HOLLAND (VO): Look, I'm not saying it's easy. I'm not saying you don't gotta think on your feet, bend a few rules maybe, but it's worth it, as long as you get the results. March goes up the stairs. He carefully wraps a cloth around his hands to protect them, punches through the gla**... and slices his entires wrist open on the jagged shards. HOLLAND: Okay, that's it. That's a lot of blood. That is a lot... That's a lot of blood. Holland falls into the garbage cans below. Cut to an Ambulance, SIREN WAILING; Holland is inside receiving first aid on the way to the hospital) EMT: We're losing him. Go! Hurry up! Now, don't go anywhere. Don't... Stay with me. Stay with me! Sir. (Some time afterwards, outside the hospital, March is in a wheelchair, being pushed by a nun) NUN:Now, tell me, are you willing to find God? MARCH: Look, I'm trying to find Amelia. NEWSCASTER: Good morning, Los Angeles. Today, yet another stage-two smog alert. The A.Q.M.D. has cautioned residents not to stay outside or engage in unnecessary exercise before 6:00 p.m. In other news, a police spokesman says he has not ruled out foul play in the d**h of adult film star Misty Mountains, whose car went off-road in the early hours of last Tuesday. And now back to America's favourite family, The Waltons. (Healy wakes up, puts his watch and shoes, brushes his teeth, feeds his fish, and gets a "word of the day calendar") HEALY: "Equanimity. "The quality of being calm and even-tempered." He accepted her betrayal with equanimity. Flashback. HEALY'S WIFE: Jack, I'm f**ing your dad. HEALY: (SPITS) What? Back to the present. (MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING ON TV) John Boy... (TV FIZZLES) Six, seven, eight... One... f**. (SIGHS) Healy is seen driving to March's house. Along the way, iIn an empty lot, he sees a girl - Holly March (Angourie Rice) - mimicking opening a door and sitting somewhere to read. (DOORBELL RINGS) MARCH: Who is it? HEALY: Messenger service. Holland March home? (March opens the door, Healy tackles him) MARCH: What the f**? HEALY: Mr March, we're gonna play a game. MARCH: I think you have the wrong house. HEALY: It's called, "Shut up unless you're me." MARCH: (GROANING) I love that game. HEALY: You're a private investigator? MARCH: Look, there's 20 bucks in there, all right? Just take it. HEALY: No, I'm not here for that. I told you, I'm a messenger. You can afford to live like this as a P.I.? MARCH: What's the message? HEALY: Oh, right, right. (CLEARS THROAT) Stop looking for Amelia, all right? MARCH: I'm not even looking for Amelia. She's a person of interest, man. Fine. I'm done. Put a fork in me. Don't really put a fork in me. HEALY: Amelia's gonna be very happy that you got the message so quickly. It's gonna make her smile. MARCH: That's good. HEALY: Now, (CLEARS THROAT) I got one more thing I need to ask you before we're done here. MARCH: You wanna know who hired me. HEALY: Bingo. Yeah. Now, we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way. MARCH: Glenn. HEALY: What? MARCH: Lily Glenn. Two N's. Old lady hired me to find her niece on Tuesday. HEALY: You just gave up your client. MARCH: made a discretionary revelation. HEALY: No. No, you just gave her up. I asked you one simple question. (EXCLAIMS) You gave me all the information. MARCH: I thought that's what you wanted. HEALY: What? (GROANING) HEALY: Now, I'm very sorry that you didn't get the message. MARCH: Me, too. (SNIFFS) But I get it now. (CLEARS THROAT) I get it. I dig it. sh**! (GRUNTING) HEALY: What about now? You get the message now? MARCH: Yep. HEALY: Are you sure? MARCH: Yeah, I'm cool. HEALY: All right. Give me your left arm. MARCH: Huh? HEALY: Your left arm. Give me your left arm. This one. MARCH: No! HEALY: Yeah, come on. MARCH: No! Get... No! HEALY: Did you cut yourself? MARCH: I'm dealing with an injury. HEALY: Right, look, when you're talking to your doctor, just tell him you have a spiral fracture of the left radius. MARCH: No! No. HEALY: Deep breath. MARCH: No! (As Healy twists the arm, we hear the BONE CRACK. March screams like a little girl.) HEALY: Do you mind if I have an apple? (GROANS) HEALY: All right, Mr March. You have a good day, okay? (GRUNTING) As Healy approaches his car, Holly comes near him with a brown bag. HOLLY: Hi. HEALY: Hey. HOLLY: Want a Yoo-hoo? HEALY: A Yoo-hoo? Are you kidding? HOLLY: Oh, yeah. HEALY: You know, I haven't had one of these in about 30 years. HOLLY: Are you a friend of my dad's? HEALY: Yeah, yeah. We're business a**ociates. He's inside resting. Didn't I see you crawling round a vacant lot a couple of blocks over? HOLLY: Um, maybe. I read there sometimes. HEALY: Right. "It's me-he for Yoo-hoo!" Thanks again. HOLLY: Bye. CUT TO: The Comedy Store Healy is seen entering the famed comedy club carrying a crate of Yoo-hoos. A comedian is on stage. STAND-UP COMIC: Because the gas prices are up 16 cents a gallon, uh, the US now is looking into alternative fuels. There's a process where you can put corn in and gas comes out.I'm no scientist,but that's been my process with corn for years. (LAUGHTER is heard as Healy walks back to his apartment in the club's back. Outside the door, he meets an OLDER black GUY (Keith David).) OLDER GUY: Hey. HEALY: It's not a public area up here. BLACK MAN: Wow. You got like an apartment up here? HEALY: If you're looking for the restroom, back down the stairs. (a GUN co*kING is heard. Another guy (Beau Knapp) points it at Healy's head) OTHER MAN: We're looking for Amelia. (he hits Healy, who proceeds to drop the crate on the floor, smashing the bottles) MRS GLENN: I'm telling you, I saw her, Mr March. I didn't imagine it. I saw my Misty alive. MARCH: Mrs Glenn, be reasonable. This is a high-profile case. Your niece is a very famous... Actress, and the head medical examiner ID'd her himself. MRS GLENN: I saw her through the front window. MARCH:You didn't. MRS GLENN: Clear as day. She was wearing... MARCH:The pinstriped suit. I know. Very specific. MRS GLENN: She was writing something and then she came out and she drove away and this was two days after the accident. And I thought that you said you found her. Now, what was that bonus payment? MARCH:I never said I found her. I said I was tracking the girl that you saw and that was probably this young lady, Amelia. MRS GLENN: Why don't you believe me? MARCH:Mrs Glenn, Misty's dead. She died in that accident. I never should have taken your money in the first place. I'm very sorry about that. MRS GLENN: Even... No, even if this Amelia girl isn't my niece, she might know something. Please, please, will you keep looking? MARCH:No. MRS GLENN:Mr March...(MRS GLENN CLEARS THROAT, OPENS HER CHECK BOOK. He backs out on leaving.) (March goes to his car, Holly's in the driving wheel.) MARCH: Can I ask you a question? Tell me the truth. And don't take it easy on me just 'cause I'm your father. You just tell it to me straight. Am I a bad person? HOLLY: Yes. MARCH:(SCOFFS) Just drive. (ENGINE STARTS) MAN: I'm gonna ask you again. Where is Amelia? HEALY: I would like to help you, but I just don't know anybody called Amelia. MAN:Oh. Okay. (kicks Healy in the face) You don't talk, I'm gonna have to start breaking your fingers. (LAUGHING) You understand? HEALY:Yes, I understand. OLDER GUY: Hey, hotshot, come on in here. I found something hidden in the cabinet. MAN:Really? (MAN SCOFFS, points to Healy) Watch him. HEALY:Oh, no. (GROANS) Hey, don't open that because that's not mine. It belongs to a friend. I just, uh... I look after it for him. But it's one of those bags. If you try to open it... (an EXPLOSION is heard. One of those security dye packs blew up in the guy's face, turning half of it blue. For convenience's sake, let's call him BLUE FACE now.) BLUE FACE: Oh, f**! f**! OLDER GUY: sh**! BLUE FACE:(GROANING) Motherf**er! Motherf**er! I can't see nothing. HEALY:Yeah. BLUEFACE:Oh, God. What the f**? [starts washing his face with the aquarium water] BLUEFACE:Okay. Oh, yeah. HEALY:(CLEARS THROAT) You know that colour doesn't come off, right? (SPITS) HEALY:I tried to tell you. BLUE FACE: You tried to tell me? (CHUCKLES, goes to the aquarium, grabs a fish and throws it at Healy) f** you! HEALY:Hey, hey. Oh, no! Hey! Not the fish. Come on. Hey, can you ask this guy to behave like a professional? [Older Guy just throws his arms up] HEALY:You know, kid, when I get that gun off you, it's gonna be your dinner. BLUE FACE: Dinner? (LAUGHING) It's f**ing... You're funny. You're funny. HEALY:Don't... Don't... BLUE FACE: Come on, fish. You want some f**ing dinner? Do you want some dinner? HEALY:Why are you doing this? This is not gonna help you. BLUE FACE: There you go. HEALY:Now, come on. BLUE FACE: You're gonna eat that thing, you f**ing f**! HEALY:Look, you gotta stop and think about this, all right? When you came here tonight, was this what you wanted to happen? What, you came here to make me eat fish? To shoot me? Look, if you come in here, you beat up on me, you trash the place, I understand, I get it, it's part of the job. I accept it, all right? But what did you do? You did something different from that, didn't you? Right? You pissed me off. You made an enemy. Now, even if I knew something, I wouldn't tell you, kid. And you know why I wouldn't tell you? And this is... It's not my only reason, but it is a principle reason. You know, I wouldn't tell you 'cause you're a f**ing moron. [Healy flips a switch, everything turns on] -(TV PLAYING) BLUE FACE: What the... (WOMAN SCREAMS) OLDER GUY: You stupid son of a b**h. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING - namely, Kiss, "Rock And Roll All Night" - as March's car approaches a bowling alley. Inside, he's with Holly and her friends for her birthday. The girls scream a lot.) GIRL 1: Six. I'm a six. GIRL 2: I'm a seven! GIRL 1: Six. GIRL 2: Seven! MARCH: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jesus Christ! One at a time! JANET: You took the Lord's name in vain. MARCH: No, I didn't, Janet. I found it very useful, actually. Okay, Janet? (GIRLS GIGGLING as they eat cake and ice cream) GIRL 3: Birthday girl! (Janet tries to bowl, accidentally throws the ball backwards, hitting the girls. ALL SCREAM.) March is seating in the toilet, smoking while reading a magazine. He sees a pair of feet stop in front of his stall. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) HEALY: March. Jack Healy. Don't get upset. I'm not here to hurt you. I just wanna ask you a question. March opens the door pointing his gun at Healy. HEALY: Hey, no. MARCH: How stupid do you think I am?I got a licence to carry, motherf**er. Ever since your little visit the other day, this little baby's gonna stay right here. The stall door closes. As March opens it again, his cigarette falls between his legs into the toilet. MARCH: f**, f**. The door continues to close despite March's attempts. March decides to get up and put on his pants and make it easier - struggling to juggle gun and magazine as he does so. MARCH - Look away. Look... Healy turns around. HEALY: You know there's a mirror here, right? MARCH: Close your eyes. March gives up on pulling his pants. MARCH:f**ing damn it. Forget it. You know what? Turn around. HEALY: Can I open my eyes? MARCH: Yeah, open your eyes. March covering his junk with the magazine - an issue of Hours with Richard Nixon on the cover - while pointing the gun at Healy. MARCH:What do you want? HEALY: I want you to find Amelia. (BOWLING PINS CLATTER) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATION) MARCH: So you think these guys are gonna hurt Amelia? HEALY:Sure, after they're done k**ing her. You know, I asked around about you. There's a couple of people I trust say you're pretty good at this. MARCH: Well, that's surprising. I would have thought your job ended with breaking my f**ing arm. HEALY:(CHUCKLES) Well, you know,technically it did. I'm off the clock. This is a separate situation. MARCH: (CLICKS TONGUE) I'm not buying this nice guy act, pal. She owes you money, doesn't she? You're coming to collect? (Healy sighs)You want me to finger her so you can throw acid in her face? Well, no. HEALY:No, she paid me up front, actually, you know. What it is, for me,is I like where I live and I don't wanna move. So, two days in advance. $400. (BREATHES DEEPLY) Plus whatever the old lady's giving you. MARCH: Old lady? f** you, old lady. You broke my arm. I quit, remember? HEALY:So call her up, get back on the case. Get paid twice. MARCH: Wow, that is very telling. I'm a detective, and we have a code. We don't do that. But interesting. Good to know. HEALY:Okay. MARCH: Good to know. HEALY:You were looking for Amelia, right? MARCH: Yes and no. HEALY:Excuse me? MARCH: My profession is very complicated, okay? It's nuanced. HEALY:What does that mean? MARCH: f** it.Last week, this old broad comes to me and she asks me to find her niece, Misty Mountains. HEALY:Misty Mountains? The p**no actress? The one that died? MARCH: The young lady. The p**no young lady. But, yeah, she died in a crash and then two days later her aunt goes to her house to clean out the place, and lo and behold, alive and well, Misty Mountains.She sees her through the window.She sees her get in her car.She sees her drive away. HEALY:Bullsh**. MARCH: Bullsh**'s right. She's dead and then she's alive. That's what I'm talking about. It's very f**ing complicated. But I persevere, you know. I run the tape through and I think, "Okay, maybe there was a girl there." HEALY:Amelia? The old lady saw Amelia? MARCH: Well, look who decided to show up for cla**. Yeah. There's a gate guard, he keeps track of all the cars that go in and out. So I checked with him, I ran the plate, I got the name. HEALY:And? [March extends three fingers] HEALY:Three. Three what? MARCH: Three days in advance if you want the rest of the story. HEALY:f** you. Come on, $600? That's f**ing robbery. I've only got $400. MARCH: Well, it's early. You can go rob a bank if you hurry. HOLLY: (taps the bench twice and then claps)Ba dum tiss. MARCH: Jesus! What are you doing here? HOLLY: Giving you a rim job. MARCH: What? Rim shot. Rim shot. HOLLY: Whatever. Hey, can we go one more game before... [she recognizes Healy] You're the guy who beat up my dad. MARCH:Hey. No. s**er-punched your dad. Big difference. But don't worry. He just did it for money. HOLLY: (CHUCKLES) You beat people up and charge money? HEALY: Yeah. Sad, isn't it? HOLLY:That's really your job? HEALY: Yeah. HOLLY:No way. HEALY: Yeah. HOLLY:So, um, how much would you charge to beat up my friend Janet? MARCH:What? HEALY: How much you got? HOLLY:30 bucks. (March drags a pie plate towards Holly) MARCH:Look, apple pie. HEALY: Is she a big girl? HOLLY:She's tall. Super annoying. HOLLAND: Apple pie. HOLLY:She's always mean to me. MARCH:This conversation is over. HEALY: We're just talking. MARCH:And it's over. [points to the Benjamins atop the magazine] JACKSON: $400, that's all. $400, two days. MARCH:We find her earlier, I still get to keep it. HEALY:Done. MARCH:Deal. Great. 'Cause I already know where she is. Cut to: Department of Justice building HEALY: Adult film star Misty Mountains, shown here at last month's Detroit auto show. High-profile case for you, right? Made the newspapers. MARCH: You know, the thing about keeping your mouth closed is it prevents you from speaking. HEALY:Sure. Unless, of course, you're a ventriloquist. MARCH: f** those guys. You can always see their mouths moving. HEALY:You can what? MARCH: Ventriloquism, it doesn't work. HEALY:(CHUCKLES) Sometimes. MARCH: Never. [points forward]Look at these idiots. (a group of protesters lying on the staircase) MAN: Join us. MARCH: All right. Well... Goodbye. HEALY:Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hold on. What do you mean, goodbye? MARCH: This is Amelia's protest group. She's in there somewhere, so have at it. HEALY:Wait. How do you know she's in there? MARCH: 'Cause it's her protest group. She started it. That's the hot tip I got yesterday before you broke my arm. HEALY:Yeah, but she's holed up somewhere hiding. What makes you think she's gonna be here? MARCH: That's her protest group. HEALY:Stop saying that. MARCH: I'd like to stop saying... HEALY:You said that. I hear it. It's her protest group. I don't hear you hearing it. MARCH: Hey, Amelia? Amelia? HEALY:Amelia? She's not here. MARCH: She's here. Amelia. WOMAN: We can't talk to you. MARCH: Who said that? (it's one of the people lying down, a woman in a gas mask) WOMAN: We can't talk to you. We're dead. MARCH: No, I... Yeah, I get it, you know. Like it's very clever. I'm hip. But this is actually a really serious matter. WOMAN: So is this. We've all been k**ed. MARCH: No, you haven't. MAN:f** you, man. We're dead. BYSTANDER:They can't talk to you, man. They're dead. HEALY: What's the protest about? Do you know? BYSTANDER: Any of you know why you're protesting? MAN: The air. BYSTANDER: Air. MARCH: You're protesting the air? MAN: The pollution. The birds can't breathe. HEALY:So all of you died because of the pollution? MNA: Right. HEALY:What about the gas masks? They didn't save you? MARCH: This is f**ing... All right. (SCREAMS) WOMAN 2: f**er. MARCH: Sorry. I thought you were dead. Look, Amelia, we know you're here, so this is very... WOMAN 3: Hey, dickhead. She's not here. WOMAN:She's not here because of her boyfriend. WOMAN 4: Her boyfriend died, like really died, like three days ago. MARCH: Her boyfriend died? WOMAN 4: Yeah. MARCH: So where is she? WOMAN 4: Sorry, can't help you. We're dead. MARCH: God damn it. All right, which one of you co*k and balls wants to make 20 bucks, huh? [one of the "corpses" raises his hand] (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING; the protestor, Chet (Jack Kilmer) is on the back seat guiding March and Healy) MARCH: Up here, Chet? CHET: Yeah, make a left here. It's here. Just... Just pull over. It's right here. On the left. Right... Look. Left. Right here. [a skeleton of a burnt down house] CHET: This is Dean's house. Amelia's boyfriend, Dean. MARCH: You gotta be f**ing kidding me. CHET: I know, it's crazy. MARCH: What the f** is this, Chet? (DOG BARKS) CHET: This place looks so much bigger now. MARCH: Do you even really know Amelia, Chet? CHET: Uh, yeah, well, like kind of like mainly through Dean. Dean was a film-maker. Um... Kind of like experimental kinds of films. Um... That's actually like kind of how we met, 'cause I'm kind of in the business myself. HEALY: Huh? What do you do? CHET:(SNIFFS) Projectionalist. Yeah, anyway, um, Dean had this whole room like filled with film stock. One day it just went up, you know... (EXHALES) And, uh, yeah, it cost the guy his life and his life's work. So, kind of, I don't know, kind of makes you think, right? MARCH:Not really, Chet. A kid on a bike pa**es by MARCH:Hey, kid. Kid. KID: (SIGHS) What? MARCH:You know the guy who lived here? KID: Maybe. What's it to you? CHET: Hey, he'll give you $20 if you answer. MARCH:I didn't say that. KID: 20 bucks, man, or you can blow. MARCH:Wow. KID: Thank you. Yeah, I knew the dude. Film-maker dude. Saw him making a film last month. MARCH: Experimental films, right? KID: I guess. More like a nudie film. MARCH:Did you see a girl about 5'8", dark hair, named Amelia? KID: Nope. Saw that famous chick. HEALY: What famous chick? KID: Dead one. p**n star. Misty something. MARCH:You saw Misty Mountains here? KID: Yeah. Talked to the producer. (MUTTERS) No, his name was Sid... Sid Hatrack. Yeah. MARCH:Nobody's name is Hatrack. KID: Whatever. Tried to get a job. I offered to show my dick 'cause I got a big dick. MARCH:Oh, right. KID: Yeah. (CHET CHUCKLES) HEALY: Well, that's very nice. KID: Yeah. HEALY: You sure you didn't see another girl? KID: (SIGHS) Nope. You guys wanna see my dick? MARCH:Nobody wants to see your dick, dude. KID: 20 bucks? MARCH:We already paid you 20...What am I saying? KID: Oh, all right. f*gs! MARCH: Hey, kid. KID: What? MARCH: What was the name of that film? KID: (SIGHS) I don't know. Uh... 'How Do You Like My Car, Big Boy?' There it is. MARCH:"Do you wanna see my dick?" Unbelievable. This is what I'm talking about.It's over.The days of ladies and gentlemen are over. This is what Holly's looking down the barrel of. This is what she's dealing with, the f**ing Chets and that idiot. HEALY: Well, one thing we know for sure, something funny's going on. MARCH:No, it's not. No. A guy burned up. It happens. HEALY: It happened three days ago, the exact same day Amelia fell off my radar. MARCH:(SCOFFING) Your radar? (LAUGHING) Let me tell you what two days of detective work looks like, okay? You drive around like an a**hole. You're gonna spend half the time interviewing the f**ing Chets of the world. You spend the other half trying to translate f**wit to English. And when it's over, the only thing that's changed is that the sun went down twice. HEALY:And nothing ever works out, is that what you're trying to say? MARCH:Never. HEALY:But you get paid. MARCH:Sometimes. Hey. Son of a b**h. Hatrack. HEALY:What? MARCH:Hatrack. Look at that. (CAR HONKING; they park on the side of the road, March points out a billboard for a "Pinocchio" p**no crediting producer Sid Shattuck) HEALY: What? MARCH:Sid Shattuck. HEALY:Who's that? HOLLAND: Savage Sid, the p**n king. HEALY:Well, he didn't burn up, so let's go talk to him. MARCH:I said I'd like to speak to Sid personally. I'm asking after a friend of ours, Amelia. I'm an old friend. [Holly sees Healy outdoors] HOLLY: Why don't we invite him in? MARCH: No animals in the house, sweetheart. [to phone] Yeah, I'm here. Say that again. Okay. Thank you very much. HOLLY: Is that the number you got for Sid Shattuck? MARCH: Yeah. Can you hang this up? They're getting ready for a party and I asked about Amelia and they said she'd be right back. HOLLY: Back? Like she's been staying there? MARCH:Yeah. HOLLY: So you found her? MARCH:Maybe. Can you stay at one of your friends'? HOLLY: I can stay with Jessica, but...You're going to a party? MARCH:No. I'm going to a big party. Jacket. Sweetheart, it's a job. I gotta take it. If I don't, we won't get to live in such a nice house. HOLLY: I hate this house. We're not even supposed to be here. MARCH:Go to Janet's. HOLLY: Jessica's. MARCH:Which one's she? HOLLY: The one with the brown hair. MARCH:Gla** eye? HOLLY: The one that you like. MARCH:And like the Hitler-stache? [Healy enters the house] HOLLY: (SIGHS) I'm friends with a cop, you know. HEALY: Is that so? HOLLY: He likes my dad a lot, too. HEALY:Maybe they should get married. (HUFFS) HEALY: So, you know the old lady, right? Did you believe her? MARCH: What about? HEALY:When she said she saw Misty alive that night, did you believe her? MARCH: God, no. She's blind as a bat. JHEALY: Uh-huh. MARCH: She has actual coke bottles for gla**es. You paint a moustache on a Volkswagen, she says, "Boy, that Omar Sharif sure runs fast." (UPBEAT DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHEERING IN THE DISTANCE) (NEIGHS) MARCH: Jesus tap-dancing Christ! GIRL 1: All I told him was that if you want me to do that, then don't eat the asparagus. GIRL 2: Why? (KNOCKING IS HEARD ON THE TRUNK. They open it, Holly is inside.) HOLLY: I know what you're gonna say, but since I'm already here, you might as well take me in with you, right? (March closes the trunk. KNOCKING CONTINUES, he extends the key to the valet) VALET:Um, I can't take your car like that. HOLLY: Stop it. MARCH: What? HOLLY: Stop it. Stop it. Dad. Dad, there's like who*es here and stuff. MARCH: Sweetheart, how many times have I told you? Don't say "and stuff." Just say, "Dad, there are who*es here." HOLLY: Well, there's like a ton. Wait. No. I can help you. Seriously? I came all this way. MARCH: I love you. -(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING) -(PEOPLE CHEERING) (SINGING POP FUNK SONG) (LAUGHING) "PINOCCHIO": It's not my nose that grows. (TREE MAN GROANS) HEALY:Whoa. Well, we know Mary Jane turned up. MARCH:Who's that? HEALY:Mary Jane. Marijuana. Pot. Place reeks of it. They're smoking it. MARCH:Oh, yeah. I can't smell. HEALY:What? MARCH:I got hit in the head a while back. I lost my sense of smell. HEALY:You can't smell? MARCH:Yeah. HEALY:Wow. You're a detective who can't smell? MARCH:Yeah. HEALY: Oh, this just keeps getting better and better. MARCH:Wow, that's really insensitive. (VOCALISING) HEALY:(CLEARS THROAT) Look, if Amelia doesn't show, we still got Shattuck, right? MARCH:But if things get rough, I'm injured. So you're gonna have to handle it. HEALY: Right. MARCH:Well, you know, blind his son, or, you know, whatever it is. You work your magic. Where you going? HEALY: I think this is gonna work better,faster, if we split up. Okay? MARCH:What? HEALY: You see a guy with a blue face, you come and find me. (SONG CONTINUES) WOMAN: You wanna smoke? Drink? HEALY: No, I... (STUTTERS) (SNIFFS) HEALY: Hey, uh... Sorry. (SLOW ROCK SONG PLAYING) MARCH: It's the k**er bees. That's what you gotta worry about. BARTENDER: You know why they call them k**er bees, don't you? 'Cause they'll k** you. MARCH: Good point. MARCH: Excuse me. STRIPPER: Hello, handsome. MARCH: You, uh, seem to have a very good vantage point up there. I lost my sister. -GIRL: Yeah. MARCH: She's got dark hair, your height. She's wearing clothes, but... MAN: Come on, baby, keep dancing! MARCH: Answers to Amelia. BARTENDER: Hey. You want another drink? Just leave the girl alone. Healy goes into a room with costumes and MARCH: Hi, everyone. -WOMAN: Hey. MARCH: I'm Amelia. She's about dark hair. Answers to the call of the wild. (SIGHS) I'm just kidding. -WOMAN: (LAUGHS) What? MARCH: I forgot her name, but, you know, if you see you, just if you see, let me know and tell me my name. Healy finds inside a film can titled, "How do ya like my car, big boy?" a pinstripe jacket and a pink cow note with what looks like flight information. (POP SONG PLAYING) -Sorry. -Thank you. -You want a drink? -No, thanks. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) WOMAN: Ow! -(WOMAN MOANING ON TV) HEALY: Holly. Hey, hey. I don't think you should be watching this. MAN: What's it to you, idiot? Move. You're in my way. -(GROANS) -(GASPS) HEALY: Listen, dickweed, that little girl's a minor. Where do you get off showing her stuff like this anyway? HOLLY: He's not showing it to me. She put it on. HEALY: Well, she shouldn't be watching stuff like this either. ACTRESS: Watching it? (SCOFFS) Man, I'm in it. (WOMAN MOANING LOUDLY) HEALY: Oh, right. Look, go home, right? Your dad told you to go home. Go home. HOLLY: By the way, I'm supposed to meet someone here. Do you by any chance know a girl named Amelia? I think she did a film with Sid Shattuck. ACTRESS: Don't know her, but Sid's gross. He told me this one chick was his sister, right, and then a few days later I walk in on them and they're all doing an*l and stuff. HOLLY: (SIGHS) Don't say, "and stuff." Just say, "They're doing an*l." (FUNK SONG PLAYING) WOMAN: Hey, Pocahontas! -Hey. MARCH: I'm a cowboy. And you? POCAHONTAS: Pocahontas. -MARCH:What do you do? -I do a little bit of acting. MARCH:Me, too. Hey, shoot me. -What? MARCH:Shoot me, shoot me, shoot me. f**ing shoot me. -Bang! MARCH:That's pretty good. -Bang! MARCH:Oh. -Bang! (GROANING) MARCH:Son of a... (LAUGHS) -(CLAPPING) POCAHONTAS: Whoo! That was great! MARCH: sh**.sh**! My f**ing gun. -(LEAVES RUSTLING; it's a woman in a yellow dress... Amelia, but March doesn't recognize her) MARCH: Jesus. You scared me. Do I know you? I'm not gonna hurt you. No, I'm just looking for my gun. So... (Amelia runs) MARCH:(PANTING) I got it! So...There you go, March.March, March, he's our man. If he can't do it, no one can. March. (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) March then tries to light a cigarette, and his lighter illuminates a dead man's body. HEALY: March. March. MARCH is SNORTING, WHEEZING, and LAUGHING NERVOUSLY as he struggles to find a breath to scream Healy's name. MARCH: Healy! Healy! Healy!Healy! Come on. Come down here. HEALY: What the f** are you doing down there? MARCH: Get down here! MARCH: Healy! HEALY: It's all right, man. MARCH: What? -Oh, f**. -I'm gonna be sick, throw up. Oh. HEALY: Who the f** is that? (JACKSON GRUNTS) HEALY: It's Sid Shattuck. That's Sid Shattuck. MARCH: Don't tell me that. Oh, no. sh**! -What's going on? MARCH: sh**! HEALY: Everybody worked on this Amelia flick, right? The boyfriend, then Misty, -now Sid. They're all dead. -(GROANING) MARCH:Before we go solving the crime of the century, let's deal with the f**ing rotting corpse. HEALY: What the f** are we gonna do with this guy? MARCH:We gotta get rid of him. HEALY: Why? MARCH:I lost my gun. There was a girl. She can place me. HEALY: All right, we got a plan.We'll throw up, we'll get rid of the body. MARCH:Right. -(RETCHING) (MUSIC CONTINUES) -Hey. HOLLY: Hi. -Are you the one who's been asking about Amelia? HOLLY:Uh, I may have said something. -What do you want with her? HOLLY:Um, she's my sister, see. Yeah, um, I need to warn her. Two freaky guys were coming around. They were all like, "Where is she? Where is she?" It scared me kinda. -Well, you seem like a decent kid. I'll take you to her. Come on. HOLLY:Okay. HEALY: What I can't figure out is how you saw him from all the way up there. You didn't fall down the f**ing hill, did you? Did you fall down the hill? MARCH:I had like two, three drinks, tops. HEALY: Yeah, that's why you can't walk straight. MARCH:Oh, excuse me.I'm carrying a dead body and I have his schwantz in my face. So, I'm sorry I'm not Bakishnarov. HEALY: You can't even say Baryshnikov. You did, didn't you? You fell down that f**ing hill. You get drunk, you lose your gun, you take a header off the balcony and now you're gonna tell me it's like a hallowed, time-honoured detective ploy, right? MARCH:It was very slippery up there, okay? I was... I was in the pool. HEALY: You were in the pool? MARCH:Yeah. HEALY: Why? MARCH: I had to question the mermaids. What were you doing while I was working? MARCH:Thank you. HEALY: Let's get rid of this guy. HOLLAND: Oh, God. (GRUNTING) -(ALL SCREAMING) -Oh, God! My leg! My leg! -WOMAN: What is that? -(SHRIEKING) JACKSON: Run. Hop in back, sweetie. This one says she's Amelia's sister. Is that a fact? BLUE FACE: (LAUGHS) Good times. HOLLY: I... There's someone out looking for me. BLUEFACE: Really? HOLLY: Yeah. I... BLUEFACE: Hey, hey, hey. No. Don't touch that. ACTRESS: Hey. Why didn't you watch my movie? HEALY: Hey, goodbye. ACTRESS:Come and watch with me. HEALY: Have a great night. ACTRESS:Come on. It's still playing. HEALY: Have a great night. Bye. (Healy stumbles by the Older Guy(GRUNTS) -(PEOPLE SCREAMING) -(GUN FIRES) -(SCREAMING) (GROANS) (GROANS) (GRUNTING) HOLLAND: Excuse me. Excuse me. HOLLY: I need to go right now. BLUEFACE: Don't touch... HOLLY: Get away from me. AMELIA: I need my keys. I need my car. Hurry. BLUEFACE: Don't f**ing move. AMELIA: Hurry. I need my keys. (SHUSHING) AMELIA:Hello? Please! Hurry, hurry. Now! Holly slams the door on his hand. Blueface SCREAMS BLUEFACE: f**! Motherf**er, my f**ing hand! HOLLY: Amelia! Run! (PEOPLE GROANING) BLUEFACE: Drive the f**ing car. (TYRES SCREECHING) VALET:Hey, man. The girl in your trunk, she was in that car. (MARCH GROANS, runs towards a guy standing next to his open car and throws him on the ground) MAN: Johnny's car! JOHNNY: Hey, man, what are you doing with my car? (TYRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTING) (JACKSON YELLS) (GRUNTS) OLDER GUY: Motherf**er! -(GUN FIRES) -(GROANS) OLDER GUY: Oh, sh**. (GRUNTING) HEALY: I swear to God, you get up, I'll shoot you in the co*k. OLDER GUY: (SLURRING) I can pay you. HEALY:Trying to negotiate with me? OLDER GUY: You'll never see me again. HEALY:Where are you gonna be? OLDER GUY: Michigan. HEALY:Michigan works. (TYRES SCREECHING) (TYRES SCREECHING) (GROANS) HEALY: You okay? Does the car still go? Well, stop f**ing around. Come on. (ENGINE STARTING) (ENGINE REVVING) MARCH: f**! BLUEFACE: Freeze!You guys are fast. Whoo! (LAUGHS) HOLLY:There's a... -(CAR HONKING) DRIVER: Holy sh**! (AMELIA GROANS) AMELIA: Come on. HOLLY: Wait. Wait. AMELIA: What the hell are you doing? HOLLY: He's hurt. We need to help him. AMELIA: Are you crazy? Stay away from him. HOLLY: Just... Just hang on. We need to help him. (as Holly goes for Blueface, Amelia SIGHS and runs away) HOLLY: It's okay. (BLUEFACE COUGHS) HOLLY: You're gonna be all right. I'll... I'll get help. It's all right. (Healy arrives) HOLLY: A car hit him. We need an ambulance. HEALY: Holly, go and see if you can flag somebody down. HOLLY: He's in a bad way. BLUEFACE: (GROANS)You. HEALY:Yeah, me. BLUEFACE:You ever hear of John Boy? By now he's heard of you. They're flying him in. (CHUCKLES) Now he's gonna k** that private cop and his whole f**ing family. And then he's gonna come for you. You ain't got long to live. HEALY:Well, buddy, none of us do. (HEALY chokes Blueface; Holly returns) HOLLY: Healy, there's no one here. HEALY:He didn't make it. (CAR APPROACHING. It's March. Holly breathes in relief, and runs to embrace her father) MARCH: Are you okay? HOLLY: Yeah. (SIRENS WAILING) (SIGHS) HEALY: And that'll be the cops. MAN: Okay, Holly... OFFICER: What do you want me to do with them? MARCH: Look, pal, you already got our statements. Can I go see my daughter now? OFFICER:Sir, I was told to keep you here, so I'm keeping you here. Just following orders. MARCH: You know who else was just following orders? Hitler. TALLY:Officer. You're Mr March, I think. And you are... Wait, I know you. (STAMMERS) You're the guy. The diner guy, right? From last year, right? HEALY: Yeah. TALLY: Yeah. My name is Tally. If you'll follow me, my boss would like a word. Please. MARCH: I'm sorry. The diner guy? HEALY: I'll tell you later. Don't worry about it. JUDITH: How do you do? MARCH: About this good most of the time. JUDITH: My name is Judith Kuttner. I work for the Department of Justice. MARCH: Okay. Well, that explains basically nothing. JUDITH: I... I'm Amelia's mother. TALLY: Holly, are you still frowning? (GASPS) What's in my hand? What? (GASPS) (LAUGHS) HOLLY: I know how you do that. JUDITH: Hello. Sit. First of all, I wanna say thank you. We've been watching interviews, and it sounds like you might have saved my daughter's life. HEALY: That was mostly Holly. His daughter. MARCH:It's genetics. JUDITH: Would you like a mint? MARCH:Uh, yeah. JUDITH: I need your help. But I wanna know if I can trust you. HEALY: I'm kinda getting the idea that, you know, you might not have much choice. JUDITH: Well, my situation is very delicate. HEALY: Hey, that's where I know you from, right? The TV. You're prosecuting that car company thing. JUDITH: The lawsuit for the catalytic converter. Yes. That's half my day. The other half I spend on p**nography. MARCH: Hmm. What kind? Like which films? What's your favourite? HEALY: No, no. Uh, anti. Anti-p**n. MARCH: Right. Like a crusader. [grabs a pen and paper] Should I be writing this down? HEALY: Yeah, write it down. JUDITH: The Vegas mob is trying to spread its p**n operation to Hollywood Boulevard. (SCOFFS) And I'm doing everything I can to stop it. MARCH:Thank you. p**n is bad. HEALY: Something I don't understand. Your daughter, she did a film with Sid Shattuck. Now, why would she do that when she knows that's just gonna be extremely professionally embarra**ing for you? JUDITH: 'Cause she wanted to. She lashes out. We have a difficult relationship. MARCH: Mothers and daughters, it's tough. JUDITH: But there's no film, not any more. There was a fire. Um... A friend of Amelia's, he... HEALY: Dean. Yeah, we went to his house. Well, what's left of his house. MARCH: Mrs Kuttner, why do you think everyone involved with this film is dying? JUDITH: I have no idea, Mr March. I wish I did. I only know that Amelia's in danger. HEALY: Why don't you put her in protective custody? I mean, after tonight, she's probably very scared. She... She might wanna be at home. JUDITH: She doesn't trust me. She thinks I am the government. She thinks I'm behind all of this. Somewhere she's out there and she won't call home because she thinks her mother's going to have her k**ed. (JUDITH SNIFFLING) HEALY (extending a bloody handkerchief): Here. You wanna use that? JUDITH: No, thank you. HEALY:No? JUDITH: I wanna hire you both. Please, find her, protect her. MARCH: Okay, you can hire us, but we're not cheap. This is very intensive work and something like this, I'd say couldn't do it for less than $5,000. JUDITH: Okay. (throws away the check) (TALLY LAUGHS) HOLLY: Yes, I got it. TALLY: Okay, I gotta get mine now. MARCH: Can I take this? JUDITH: Fine. MARCH: Does Tally have one of... Shall we have hers as well? Just in case you're not... You know, we need to get in touch with somebody. HEALY: So what's this? World's biggest ashtray? MARCH: (SIGHS) f** it, it's... It's a rental. We're only here until we rebuild the old place anyway. HEALY:Rebuild? MARCH: Yeah. It burned down. HEALY:Hey, you know, something's actually bugging me. I found this in Shattuck's office. MARCH: What is that, a pig? (CHUCKLES) HEALY:No, it's a pink cow. MARCH: Oh, it's a cow. HEALY:When Amelia gave me your address, she gave it to me on a piece of paper like this, handwriting like that. MARCH: I think you're onto something. HEALY:Mmm-hmm. MARCH: Can we talk about it tomorrow afternoon? HEALY:Yeah, we can do that. MARCH: Thanks. (JACKSON CLEARS THROAT) MARCH: Hey, aren't you that diner guy? Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. I gotta know. HEALY:I don't wanna get into it right now. MARCH: You gotta get into it. I gotta know. You're the diner guy. (SIGHS) HEALY:All right. MARCH: Yes. HEALY:All right, about a year ago... MARCH: Yes. HEALY:...I was at a diner in Hollywood and this a**hole with a shotgun started threatening people. MARCH: I love it. It's the best story I've ever heard. HEALY: So I did something about it. I acted. I didn't plan to, I didn't, you know. I just did it. I took that guy out. I didn't even get paid for it. So I ended up with a bullet in the bicep and 500 bucks of hospital bills. It was stupid, really. When I think about it, it was the best day of my life. (March is SNORING) HEALY: Just for a moment, I felt useful. All right. HOLLY: "Had Mademoiselle Blanche been in England before? What part of France did she come from? Mademoiselle Blanche replied politely but with reserve." HEALY:Hey. HOLLY:Hey.You've got your foot in the toilet. HEALY:I have? (SIGHS) HOLLY:Now you're getting the carpet all wet. HEALY:Was this your room? HOLLY:No, it was Mom and Dad's. HEALY:Your dad tells me you're rebuilding. HOLLY:Does it look rebuilt to you? HEALY:Not especially. HOLLY:Dad barely ever comes here. He feels guilty, I guess. HEALY:Because? Hmm? HOLLY:Oh, the fire. Mom kept on complaining about a leak in the furnace, but Dad, you know, he's got his nose thing, so he couldn't smell the gas. Anyways, I should probably get back to my book. HEALY:All right. HOLLY:Mr Healy? Are you a bad person? What did you do to that man tonight? Did you k** him? HEALY:Of course not. HOLLY:That's good. I knew you couldn't do something like that. HEALY:Don't stay up too late, all right? -(RADIO PLAYING) -(VOCALISING) (RADIO CONTINUES PLAYING) sh**. I didn't know what time you'd get here. You said afternoon. MARCH: Well, uh, we were at the bank getting your money. There it is, half, minus a few hundred, you know, for, uh, that car that we crashed. I thought you'd wanna chip in for that. HEALY: Sure. MARCH: What do you think? HEALY: -It's purple. MARCH: It's maroon. (SIGHS) HOLLY: We stopped at a bar. That's why we're late. HEALY: So, Amelia's note. Burbank Airport. Western flight D. I figure she's trying to skip town. How do you wanna do this? (EXHALES) MARCH: I don't know. I say we wait a couple of days, call Kuttner and see if we can squeeze a second instalment out of her. HEALY: A second instalment? HOLLY: You don't wanna call too soon. Gotta act like you're onto something, like you've been working hard. Then, day three, ask for more money. MARCH: Well, she's putting a negative spin on it, but, yeah, that's the idea. HEALY: Kuttner paid us. Me. She paid me to do a job, right? I'm not gonna lie to her. MARCH: And I respect that. That's why I'll lie to her. Hey, I shelled out 400 bucks for a detective. Someone who finds clues, huh? MARCH: I found Sid Shattuck's corpse, didn't I? HEALY:Found it? You fell on it. MARCH: I guess I don't understand why we're not celebrating. I mean, we just got paid. We're all having a drink in the afternoon. (March and Healy stare at him) MARCH: What? HEALY:Forget about it, all right? (SIGHS) MARCH: Oh, would you just... Would you hold on for a goddamn second? HOLLY:You're the world's worst detective. MARCH: I'm the worst? HOLLY:Yeah. MARCH: The world's worst? HOLLY:Didn't you hear me the first time? MARCH: Got a cool ad, though. So... HOLLY:(SCOFFS) Why do you have to be such a f**-up, huh? You go around and you drink and you lie and stuff and people hate you. MARCH: Sweetheart, don't say, "and stuff." Just say... HOLLY:I hate you! -(SIGHING) MARCH: That works. HEALY: I'll find the girl myself. MARCH: You're gonna find her yourself. Okay. Well, say hi to her when you do. HEALY:I will. MARCH: Course, you're not gonna find her at the airport, seeing as how it's not a flight. MARCH: Did he stop? HOLLY:Yeah. MARCH: Your note, look at it. It's not a flight. Every airport has an overflight curfew from 10:00 to 6:00, Burbank included. And that top number is today's date but reversed like the European way, which makes sense when you look at FL and you think it's not "flight," it's probably "flat," like apartment. HEALY: And Burbank APT West? MARCH: Burbank Apartments West. It's a dump. f** it, I'll show you.Holly, go to Janet's this time. But for real. HOLLY:Jessica's. MARCH: Jessica's. We've gotta go to work. HOLLY: Do you want your keys? HEALY: I'm driving. (DOOR SHUTS) JACKSON: Excuse me. We're looking for the Burbank Apartments. Oh, they're gone. Tore them babies down, um, going on about two years now. MARCH: To the airport, then? (CLEARS THROAT) MARCH: Well, they used to have an overflight curfew. HEALY: It's all right. It's all right. It's okay. MARCH:They did. HEALY: Yeah. MARCH:And they still should if they changed them. They should, they should change them back. (AIRCRAFT ENGINE ROARING) MARCH:Pull over. HEALY: What? MARCH:Pull over. HEALY: Hey, what the f**? HOLLAND: The Western Hotel. The Burbank Airport Western Hotel. HEALY: She's meeting somebody. MARCH:Okay. BARTENDER: Evening. What can I get you? MARCH: Information. Have you seen this girl? She probably came in in the last half hour. BARTENDER:(SCOFFS) Hey, I just work here. MARCH:Yeah, no sh**, Sherlock. That's why I'm asking you. BARTENDER:Hmm. Memory gets a little foggy, you know.What's in it for me? MARCH:He'll stop doing it. BARTENDER:(CHUCKLES) Doing what? Healy slams his face onto the counter. BARTENDER:Ow! MARCH: That. BARTENDER:f**! HEALY:Now, we can do this the easy way or we can... We're currently doing it the easy way. BARTENDER:Okay. Jesus. The penthouse. She's in the penthouse, top floor.(SIGHS) Are you happy? MARCH: Yeah. BARTENDER:Guys, listen. You... You don't wanna go up there, all right? Trust me. These New York guys are up there. Uh, business guys. They got f**ing bodyguards. Kind that had their balls removed. What's that called? Huh? HEALY: Marriage? BARTENDER:Yeah. Uh... Just chill here, you know. She's gotta come back down. Have a couple of cold ones on me? HEALY: Oh, not for me. HOLLAND: He makes a strong argument, though. BARTENDER:You see? Reasonable. Very reasonable. Now, your buddy, that was the problem, he wasn't reasonable. HEALY: Our buddy? HOLLAND: Yeah, we don't have friends. BARTENDER:The other guy looking for Amelia, he wasn't with you? HEALY:Where'd he go? BARTENDER:Got in the elevator right before you guys came in. HEALY:Did you get a name? BARTENDER:John something. HEALY:Did you actually witness him getting into the elevator? BARTENDER:No, it was told to me by a wise old Indian. Of course I f**ing witnessed it. HEALY:Right. MARCH: What the hell's going on? HEALY:Oh, it just makes sense. It connects up. MARCH:What makes sense? HEALY:John Boy. Oh, just something that Blueface mentioned, yeah. MARCH:What do you mean, he mentioned?Mentioned how? HEALY:Oh, you know, he... "There's a guy coming to k** you." That kind of crap. MARCH: Yeah. We should probably just stay here. HEALY: Smart move. Unless, of course, he's up there k**ing her right now. MARCH:Nobody's getting k**ed at the Burbank Airport Hotel. HEALY:Because? MARCH:That would be national news. HEALY:Yeah, so? MARCH:Oh, so when's the last time you were on national news? HEALY:February. MARCH:Really? HEALY:Yeah. MARCH:For what? HEALY:I got shot, in a diner. MARCH:Where? HEALY:In my arm. I told you this last night. MARCH:We should call the cops. HEALY:No. It'll take too long. I mean, she could die. MARCH: You just said it was the right move to stay down here. HEALY:No, I said smart move. Different. (ELEVATOR DINGS) -(BREATHING DEEPLY) -(MUZAK PLAYING) MARCH-Munich. HEALY-What? MARCH-A guy without his balls. It's a Munich. HEALY-Munich is a city in Germany. München. Munich. Yeah. MARCH-Right. Hitler only had one ball. (ELEVATOR DINGS.) -JACKSON: All right, here we go. (On the corridor, a MAN is CHOKING, with his throat slit) MAN: Hey! (GRUNTING) Whoa! (MUFFLED GUNSHOTS) (PRESSING bu*tON) (GLASS SHATTERS) (MAN SCREAMING) -(TYRES SCREECHING) -(SIRENS WAILING) HEALY: Oh, sh**. (BRAKES SCREECHING) -What are we doing? HEALY: I can't just leave. MARCH:Why? HEALY: She's in danger, man. We have to do something about it. MARCH:She's dead. HEALY: What do you mean, she's dead? MARCH:Come on! HEALY: She's not dead. MARCH:Open your eyes, man. HEALY: You don't know that. MARCH: She's f**ing dead! HEALY: You don't know she's... (Amelia lands feet-first on the car. She walks to the hood, tries to shoot at them, but the recoil knocks her off her feet and she goes unconscious on the street below. They open the car and retrieve her) (Television BEEPING on a game of PONG. It's Holly and Jessica.) MARCH: What are you doing here? HOLLY: Holy sh**, you got her. MARCH: You're supposed to be at Jessica's. JESSICA: Yeah, sorry, Mr March. My sister kicked us out. She's having a guy over. MARCH: Your sister's such a s*ut. JESSICA: Yeah, I know. HEALY: Hello? Amelia. Should you shake her shoulder? Maybe... You know, my brother used to flick my ear. Like that. I hated that. HOLLY: We shouldn't be violent. -You got a brother? You could just hit her. -Yeah. -Really? -Like really hard. -I've got a family. -HOLLY: It's not practical. JACKSON: We probably shouldn't hit her if we want her to talk to us. (Amelia awakens) HEALY: It's okay. AMELIA:You were supposed to get those guys off of me. MARCH: Do you know who they were? Do you know who sent them? AMELIA:Yeah. It was my mother. HEALY: Would you mind starting from the top because... AMELIA:Why? It doesn't matter. MARCH: I'm sorry, it doesn't matter? You just shot at us. I think it matters. AMELIA:Okay, okay. I made a film. I made a film with Dean, my boyfriend. And the idea was that we were gonna, you know, like make this experimental film, like an artistic film. MARCH:p**no film. AMELIA:It's not a p**no. (SIGHS) Look, do you even know who my mother is? HEALY: Yes, we do. We... We've actually met your mother. AMELIA:(SCOFFING) What did she tell you, that I'm crazy?(STAMMERS) That I was just lashing out? HEALY: Something like that. She might have mentioned... AMELIA:Yeah, well, my mother is a criminal. She's one of them. MARCH: Who's them? What's them? AMELIA: One of the insiders. One of the capitalist, corporate suppressors. You know, they want us dead, man. We're just in their crosshairs, you know. We're just pawns. JESSICA: Gosh. AMELIA: (SIGHS) Ow. MARCH: Hey. (WHISTLES SLOWLY, the girls leave) And what does this have to do with the birds? JACKSON: Yeah. AMELIA:My mom's supposed to be working for the Justice Department, right? HEALY: Sure, she's prosecuting the catalytic converter case. AMELIA:Yeah, only she's not. She's not prosecuting it. The auto makers, she's gonna let 'em walk. MARCH: But they have the evidence. AMELIA:Yes, they have evidence. They have memos proving that Detroit conspired to suppress the converter, proving they would rather poison our air than spend a little bit of money. But my mom, she's gonna say that's not enough. She's gonna lie because... Because she's on the take. Money again, right? Mammon, that's her god. That fascist crony... MARCH: Okay, okay. AMELIA:...bogart! MARCH: All right, all right, just... Just back up a little bit. (SIGHS) Why not just go straight to the police? AMELIA:(LAUGHING) She is the police. She's the head of the Justice Department. HEALY: You... You've got a point. MARCH: Okay, or the newspaper? AMELIA:They all work together. God, have you been living under a rock? HEALY:All right, so then your solution -was you make a p**n film. AMELIA:(SIGHS) It's not a p**no! MARCH: You know, I have neighbours. AMELIA:I made a statement. HEALY: Right. AMELIA:And yeah, yeah, my statement contained nudity. MARCH:p**no nudity. AMELIA: Art. That's just the commercial element, okay? Okay? Sid said we had to have that. And the reality was we were getting our message out there. And... And it was all in the film, names and dates and everything, everything that my mom was doing, and once it was out there, once it was in theatres, there's no way that they could suppress it. There's no way that they could cover it up. MARCH: So let me get this straight. You made a p**no film where the point was the plot? AMELIA:(SIGHS) What's your hang-up, man? JACKSON: It's not the s**. It's... It's what's in the story. AMELIA:My mom found out. (SIGHS) She k**ed Dean and destroyed the film. HEALY: Your mom k**ed Dean? AMELIA:Of course. She k**ed Misty, too. HOLLY: And Sid Shattuck? AMELIA: Yeah. MARCH: Okay, so it's like Jack the Ripper and then your mom, basically. (Amelia SIGHS) HOLLY: So what are you gonna do? AMELIA: I don't know. I'm just really tired, you know. HEALY: Uh, all right, okay. So, uh, you... We're just gonna talk about it and we'll think and you get some rest. MARCH: Yeah, just get some rest. MARCH:What do you think? HOLLY:I like her. JESSICA:I like her dress. MARCH:It's a nice dress. But she's a loon. According to her, her mother's single-handedly gonna wipe out all of Western society. HEALY: Well, yeah. However, there are people trying to k** her, right? MARCH: Like John Boy. HOLLY: Who's John Boy? JESSICA: He's on The Waltons. HEALY: No, different John Boy. MARCH: Well, we think. HEALY: Think, yeah. Pretty sure. -(TELEPHONE RINGING) MARCH: Can't be sure, though. Yeah. TALLY: Mr March, I just got a call from Judith. She didn't explain herself. Said she needed $100,000 in cash. MARCH: $100,000? Why? TALLY: I don't know. -I think she's involved in something shady maybe. MARCH: Well, her daughter certainly seems to think so. TALLY: What, Amelia? You found Amelia? MARCH: Yes. She fell on our car. We were just talking and she fell on our car. Anyway, she's here. You should come over. TALLY: I... I'll send the family doctor. (SIGHS) TALLY: Okay, look, Mr March... MARCH: Holland, please. TALLY: I've got a bad feeling about this. Would you be willing to carry the money for me? HEALY: I wish I knew who to believe on this one. MARCH: Well, the kid's a write-off, I'll tell you that much. HEALY: Maybe they're both telling the truth. MARCH: We're downstairs. She's coming down. What do you mean, they're both telling the truth? What the f** does that mean? HEALY: I got a friend, right? Secret Service. Worked the Nixon detail. This was after they threw him out of office. No. Anyway, you know, Nixon's driving around one day around San Clemente. Just him and a few agents. MARCH: Yeah. HEALY: And they come across this car accident, right? There's a guy pinned under a car. Anyway, Nixon gets out, runs over to check on the guy, you know, leans down, and Nixon says to him, "You're gonna be okay, son. You're gonna be all right." And right then the guy dies. MARCH: I don't get it. HEALY: Think about it from that guy's point of view, okay? The guy who died. He's lying there on the ground, staring up at the sky, near d**h, and then former president Richard Nixon appears before him and tells him he's gonna be fine. Now, did he think that's normal, right, that before they die, everybody sees Nixon? MARCH: You're expecting an angel and you get Nixon. HEALY: Exactly. Right? MARCH: Yeah. HEALY: It's the same situation, just a vastly different point of view. MARCH: So there's two ways to look at something. HEALY: Yeah. MARCH: That's the point of the story? HEALY: Yeah. MARCH: Yeah, just say that. HEALY: What? MARCH: Well, you just lead me on this epic f**ing journey with this story, and 10 minutes later, the point is that there's two ways to look at something. Just... You could just say that. HEALY: You didn't like that story? MARCH: That would be awful. HEALY: Wouldn't it, right? MARCH: Yeah. HEALY: It would s**, right? MARCH: Oh. MARCH: Hey. TALLY: Thank God. $100,000. Packed it myself. Just... It's not common you find such nice people in the world. (LAUGHS) MARCH: I'm sorry about him. He just wanted to come along. I don't know why. But I'll call you, you know, when we make the drop. TALLY: Thank you. MARCH: Are you nervous at all? HEALY: Me? No. I got insurance. This baby right here. MARCH: Is that an ankle gun? HEALY: That is an ankle gun, yeah. MARCH: That's pretty sweet. HEALY: Uh-huh. MARCH: I'm falling asleep at the wheel here, man. I'm gonna need you to drive. I'm gonna pull over up here. HEALY: You don't have to pull over. The car can drive itself. MARCH: What? HEALY: Just take your hands off the wheel, man. MARCH: Hmm. I didn't know it could do that. HEALY: Where you been, man? Every car can do this. BUMBLE: Yeah, March, where the f** have you been, man? Idiot. You didn't know that? MARCH: You fly everywhere. You don't even drive.What do you know? HEALY: He's got a point there, Bumble. BUMBLE: Yeah, whatever. I used to fly all the time, but now the smog is just disgusting, man. It's just this pollution is out of control. All the bees are riding around in cars these days. HEALY: Wake up! Wake up! HEALY: March! Wake up! (TYRES SQUEALING) March! Wake up! -(SHRIEKING) HEALY: sh**. sh**. (CLEARING THROAT) HEALY: That's not money. MARCH: Tally packed it herself. She said so. Why? Why would she send us off on some wild f**ing goose chase? HEALY:Amelia. (LINE BEEPING) JESSICA: No, like The Waltons. Yeah? Yeah, on TV. Richard something? Yeah. Who's that actor? HOLLY: Jessica, get off the phone. JESSICA: Yeah. Anyway, so this new John Boy's like a murderer or something. Uh-huh. -(DOORBELL RINGS) JESSICA: sh**. Now it's gonna bug me. JOHN-BOY:You must be Holly. Dr Malek. HOLLY:Hi. JOHN-BOY:Hi. HOLLY:She's inside. Come in. JOHN-BOY:Thank you. JESSICA: Yeah, I don't know... JOHN-BOY:You mind fetching your dad? HOLLY:Uh, he's running an errand. JOHN-BOY:Back anytime soon? HOLLY:Oh, hour, tops. JOHN-BOY:Fine. Now, then, Nurse Holly, how's our patient? That's her? HOLLY:Oh, no, that's Jessica. What she's got you can't fix. JOHN-BOY:(CHUCKLES) You are very funny. HOLLY:In there. Asleep. Slight fever. JOHN-BOY:Hmm. On d** you think? Maybe smoking the reefer? What was she saying?Was she making sense? JESSICA: Hold on. Um... Holly, what's the name of the guy on The Waltons that plays John Boy? With the hockey puck on his face? HOLLY: (CHUCKLES) That show's for retards. Dr Malek, would you like a cookie? Just baked them. JESSICA:There's none left. I looked, remember? HOLLY: No, there's a couple. Doctor? JOHN-BOY:I could be persuaded. After I have a look at Sleeping Beauty. (Holly takes a gun from the cookie pot, co*ks it as she points it at John-Boy, who extends his arms and SIGHS) JOHN-BOY:Nurse Holly. (THUDDING) JOHN-BOY:Holly, what are you doing? Are you crazy? HOLLY: There are handcuffs behind the bar, a**hole. Get them. JOHN-BOY:This is really slowing me down, Holly. JESSICA: What's going on? HOLLY: Jessica, it's him. He's the guy. JOHN-BOY:Jessica, if you help me with this,[takes out a blade] I'll only k** Holly. HOLLY: Jessica, dial 911. JOHN-BOY:Jessica, I wouldn't do that if I were you. (TYRES SCREECHING) (GRUNTING) MARCH:You hear that? MARCH: Excuse me. JOHN-BOY:Evening. MARCH: You hear that sound just a second ago? JOHN-BOY:Oh, yeah, just now. That was me. I threw that little girl out the window. [fires the tommy gun] MARCH: Cover me. JOHN-BOY: God. MARCH: Holly! HOLLY: Dad! MARCH: Get in. HOLLY: Is she okay? MARCH: Get down. AMELIA:f**ing fascists! (GASPS) MARCH: Jesus! AMELIA:Sorry. MARCH:Get in. MARCH: Okay, come here. Stay in here and don't move. HOLLY: Okay. MARCH: Okay. Okay. HOLLY: Wait, wait. Dad, Dad, here you go. MARCH:Jesus! HOLLY:Jessica. I think she's awake. Amelia moves towards the window HOLLY: Wait, where are you going? What are you doing? AMELIA: Tell Mr Healy thanks for nothing. (she jumps out the window) (TREE CREAKING, then it falls ) (GROANS) HEALY: f**! MARCH:Are you okay? HEALY: March, gun, gun! HEALY: f**! MARCH:sh**! MARCH: Here. (SIREN WAILING) (TYRES SCREECHING) MARCH:He's gone. MARCH: He's gone. (PANTING) MARCH:Hey. [Holly points out the window] MARCH: sh**. (SIREN WAILING. ) JOHN-BOY:Wow. AMELIA:Please, I need to get out of here. (GUNSHOT) (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS) -(POLICE RADIO CHATTER) MARCH: She had her f**ing daughter k**ed, Perry. Please tell me they're at least gonna question her. PERRY: They haven't and they're not going to. HEALY: Because? PERRY: Because she's the head of the Justice Department. Oh, and, by the way, you're welcome. (LAUGHS) You're out, free on your own recognisance. You get to walk. There should be like a statue of me in your f**ing house. I'm sorry, guys. You're gonna lose this one, all right? Your word against hers. No evidence. You lose. You better seriously think about changing your story. ("A Horse with no Name") HOLLAND: Oh, f** it. Maybe they're right. Maybe the goddamn birds can't breathe. HEALY: Amelia, Misty, Dean, Shattuck, all dead. The rest of us just get to choke. HOLLY: (SIGHS) I need a drink. HEALY: How much do I owe you, buddy? CAB DRIVER: 12 bucks, pal. HOLLY: I always hated that palm tree. MARCH: Never trusted it. (Holly CHUCKLES) MARCH: Go inside and get your stuff. HOLLY:Okay. MARCH:We'll go stay in a hotel or something. We'll get room service. [a car arrives] MRS. GLENN: Mr March. MARCH:Mrs Glenn. MRS. GLENN:I need to talk to you. MARCH:(CHUCKLING) What a wonderful surprise. MRS. GLENN:Is that your house? MARCH:We're remodelling. Listen, this isn't a great time. MRS. GLENN:It is a great time. He is supposed to be looking for my niece. HEALY: Really? MRS. GLENN:Because I saw her. But nobody believes me. Why will nobody believe me? HEALY:I'm sure I don't know, ma'am. MRS. GLENN:I saw her in her house through the front window as clear as day, writing something at a desk. She was wearing a blue pinstriped jacket. HEALY: I've seen that jacket, sure, yeah. MARCH: What do you mean, you saw that jacket? HEALY:In Shattuck's office. It was there with a bunch of other clothes. MARCH: That jacket was in Sid Shattuck's office? HEALY:Yeah. It was bagged up. It had Misty's name on it and the name of the movie. MARCH: It's wardrobe for the film. It's wardrobe for the film. Holy f**ing sh**. MRS. GLENN:Oh! MARCH: Sorry. Mrs Glenn, I need you to take us to Misty's house. I need you to show us exactly what you saw. MRS GLENN: There. There. That's the window. I was coming around that corner and I saw her through that window. (DOOR SHUTS) MRS GLENN:But, no, it was here. The desk was here. HEALY: No desk there now. MRS GLENN: Well, I don't know what to say. HOLLY: Dad, what are you doing? MARCH: Give me a second. (WHIRRING) MARCH: World's worst detective, huh? You did see your niece, Mrs Glenn. You saw her on that wall, at a desk, in a pinstriped suit. HEALY: So what she saw was a movie? MARCH: Not a movie. The movie. The movie. HEALY: But the film burned up. MARCH:Well, how did she see it two days after it supposedly burned up? And the wardrobe matches perfectly. HEALY: So Amelia had a second print? She had a copy? MARCH:Wouldn't you? HOLLY: And she gave that copy to Misty. So she comes here, checks the film against that wall... MARCH:Lily sees it through that window. HOLLY: And Amelia splits and takes the film. HEALY: And goes where? MARCH:Oh, for f**... I mean, can't we get to the next... HEALY: The Western Hotel to meet the businessman. MARCH:Distributors. She was screening it for the distributors. She was showing them the film. It's out there. The film exists. Now we just have to find it. HOLLY: Guys, look. "Opening night, 9:00 p.m." Signed, Chet. MARCH: f**ing Chet. HEALY: The protestor guy? MARCH:Give me that sh**. She was planning something with Chet. Opening night? HOLLY:The LA auto show. It's today, right? HEALY: Yeah. MARCH: Big party. Mucky-mucks. Loads of press. If you wanted to get a story out there, right? And f**ing Chet's a projectionalist. MRS GLENN: Please stop talking. I've been listening to everything you said. Does this mean... Does this mean that my niece is dead? MARCH: Yes! I mean, you know, yes. -(SIGHS) MARCH: She was murdered. I'm sorry. -JACKSON: Mmm-hmm. HOLLY: But we're gonna bring down the people who did it. MARCH: Yeah, and for a deeply discounted rate, so... MC: Welcome to Los Angeles and the 1978 Pacific Coast Auto Show. Styled road wheels. These all-new fuel-efficient systems. MAN: An incredible 210-brake horsepower. WOMAN: Their battery-powered three-pa**enger runabout. Cadillac have brought their new Eldorado. ...featuring a 7-litre V8. (ELEVATOR DINGS) MARCH: You guys know where the projection room is? You seen Chet, the projectionist? GUY: Yeah, he just left like 10 minutes ago, went for a drink. -And you are? MARCH: In a hurry. Thanks, buddy. BUDDY: How'd you know my name was Buddy? WOMAN: The Malibu sedan. This year's edition is looking spectacular. Come and see it, folks. JACKSON: It's just a bunch of cars. Motor City Pride. That's not it. MARCH: sh**. HEALY: That's not the film. MARCH: f**ing Chet. He's probably still got it stashed somewhere. (Tally enters with a gun, Holly follows but she closes the door in front of her) (GUN co*kS) MARCH: Tally. Oh, my God, you look incredible. How do you get your hair to... It's magnificent. (STUTTERS) Listen, I don't know what's going on here, but there's been some foul play. Do you know that that suitcase that you gave us, somebody switched it out. There was no money in it. TALLY: (CHUCKLES) No sh**. Weapons on the floor. Now. -(SIGHS) I guess you k**ed the projectionist, huh? TALLY: No. My a**ociate's out looking for him now. We'll find him. -Tally, let me ask you something. You ever really k**ed anybody? TALLY: In Detroit, yeah. Three times. -Really? TALLY: That's where this all started. The Detroit show. That b**h Misty shooting her mouth off about her new movie. MARCH:Tally, this is not you. You're not a murderer. -She just said she k**ed three people. MARCH:I know, but I'm saying deep down. JACKSON: Hey, look, one's a mistake. By the time you get to three... MARCH:Don't paint her with that brush. I guess it's easy to live in your world, right, where everyone sits in their place. -See what's in front of you. She's got a gun and she's k**ed three... MARCH:Come on, man. -You don't know her upbringing. -You gotta face the situation. -You don't know what she... -(KNOCKING ON DOOR) HOLLY: Room service. -sh**. No. TALLY: What's wrong with him? I... I don't know. I'm gonna ask him. -March? -Yeah? Uh, what the f** are you doing? Did you move it? -Move what? -The f**ing gun. -What gun? -The f**ing ankle gun. -Who told you I had an ankle gun? -You did. In the car before we crashed. You were like, "Oh, check out my ankle gun." You know, you showed me your ankle gun. -Come on. Are you serious?Are you f**ing serious? -Oh, sh**. -JACKSON: Yeah. -Did I dream that? -Yeah, you moron, you dreamt it. MARCH:No, no, no, no. Yeah, you're right, that was... TALLY: Just shut up. Shut up! Both of you. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) HOLLY: Room service. -This takes the f**ing cake. TALLY: Shh! Holly, you can come in now. (CHUCKLES) TALLY: Very clever, Holly. HOLLY: Thanks. I thought so. (GASPS) TALLY: Why did you just throw cold coffee on me? HOLLY: I got it in the hallway. I thought it was hot. MARCH: I like where your head's at, sweetheart. That really could have worked out. TALLY:All right, you know, everybody, in the corner. Come on. (YELPS) (GUNSHOT) sh**. MARCH: Well, that really worked out. HEALY: Yeah. MARCH:Now we just gotta find that f**ing Chet before John Boy does. HEALY: Yeah. Well, that guy said he was going for a drink. You take the roof bar. I'll take downstairs. HEALY:Well done, kiddo. HOLLY:Thanks. JOHN-BOY: You the projectionist? -Mmm-hmm. (CLEARS THROAT) JOHN-BOY: Look, we got a problem on nine. Someone knocked over the projector. The film's all over the floor. -Film's on the floor? Really? JOHN-BOY: Yeah, it's a mess. You follow me? (SLOW SONG PLAYING) (ELEVATOR DINGS) MARCH:Okay, just wait here. I'm gonna take a look around. HOLLY: I wanna help. MARCH:You can help by staying put, okay? HOLLY: Promise me you'll get the film? MARCH:Yeah, I promise. HOLLY: Pinky promise? f**. (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS) -Hey, pal, what can I do you for? Free drinks. What do you have? HEALY: Little guy, stringy hair. -I think they went out through those doors. HEALY: Hey, Chet? Chet? (CHET MOANS) HEALY: Hey. Hey, Chet. (MOANING) HEALY: Amelia's film, where is it? JOHN-BOY: The film is in the projector. Repeat, it's in the projector. OLDER GUY: But we already checked that. CHET: Spliced in. HEALY:What? JOHN-BOY: It's spliced into the middle of it, right in the other film. Go get it. OLDER GUY:On my way. (ELEVATOR DINGS. The Older Guy turns, notices Holly.) OLDER GUY:Don't you know it's rude to eavesdrop? OLDER GUY:I got a gun pointed directly at your daughter's spine. Come with me. Come on, baby. (MArch starts VOCALISING) MARCH: How does that song go? (SIGHS) (DINGS) NARRATOR: Welcome, Los Angeles, to the finest fleet of automobiles Detroit has to offer, giving the world luxury redefined. In addition to the most distinctive styling, we are bringing you interiors that are comfort a**ured, combining velour, leather, wood panelling and an improved... (HOLLAND GROANS) OLDER GUY: Help him up. Why'd you have to bring the goddamn kid? MARCH: I f**ed up. OLDER GUY:Yeah, you f**ed up. (CRYING) NARRATOR: America... -(CROWD EXCLAIMING) -(WOMAN MOANING) PAULSEN: Oh, my God. f**, f**. OLDER GUY: Do you want her to see you like this? -(CONTINUES CRYING) -You f**ing drunk. Oh, don't start that crying sh**. MARCH:I f**ed up. OLDER GUY: You drunk motherf**er, you. MARCH:I love you. OLDER GUY: It's embarra**ing. MARCH:I'm sorry. Duck. HOLLY: What? MARCH:Duck. [punches Older Guy] OLDER GUY: Motherf**er! (GRUNTING) (SHRIEKS) PORN ACTOR: Well, I'm Bulging Paulsen and I represent the Detroit auto manufacturers. That's who the hell I am. MISTY: You poison our air. The people won't stand for it. MARCH: Nixon! [he sees "Tricky Dick" inside the pool] No! (GRUNTING) MISTY: I might be persuaded to change my mind. Perhaps if we came to a monetary arrangement. I'll take a wire transfer. It's a Union Federal account. Number 22-12. Just tell them the exact amounts. -(ALL SCREAMING) -He's got a gun! (BULLETS RICOCHETING) -(CLAMOURING) -(FIRE ALARM RINGING) (GUNSHOTS CONTINUE) MARCH: Oh, my God. (BREATHING DEEPLY) Three, two, one. Jesus! HEALY: How'd you get down here? I told you to go to the roof. Did you fall? MARCH: Yeah. HEALY: Jesus Christ, are you kidding? MARCH: I think I'm invincible. It's the only thing that makes sense. I don't think I can die. HEALY: Where's the film? MARCH: It's up there. We just gotta go get it. TALLY: You get out of here, you little sh**. -(HOLLY GRUNTS) -(SCREAMS) TALLY: You give me that, you f**ed-up little hippy. HOLLY: You want it? Go get it. [puts the can uptight, pushes it] TALLY: No! [the can rolls and falls down the window] PAULSEN:Get me that f**ing film. Move it. -Cover me. -What? March! March! GUARD: Drop your weapon! (GRUNTING) MARCH: f**. HEALY: March, go. I got this. (GRUNTING) (ALARM RINGING) (GROANING) (GUN FIRING) Hey! (GRUNTING) HEALY: Hey! -(HONKING) -(WOMAN SCREAMS) MAN: Run! Just run! (HEALY gets atop John-Boy and starts choking him. Holly comes by the door.) HOLLY: Mr Healy, what are you doing? HEALY: Go away, Holly. HOLLY: Healy, stop. You don't have to k** him. HOLLY: Mr Healy, if you k** this man, I will never speak to you again. (GROANS. ) (COUGHS) HEALY: Congratulations, buddy. You owe your life to a 13-year-old girl. [punches him. Down in the street, March holds up the film can in triumph. Afterwards, he extends the pinky from his broken hand to Holly. She replies with the same gesture.] HEALY: Come on, let's go down and see your dad. -(SIRENS WAILING) MARCH: And that would be the cops. OFFICER: Sir? Sir, are you all right? Sir, is anyone left in the building? OFFICER 2: He's not responsive. OFFICER: All right, let's find out who else is... HOLLAND (VO): And sometimes, sometimes... You just win. MARCH: Jesus Christ. Oh, sh**. You know what? Don't even talk to her. Don't even look at her, man. f**. JUDITH: Oh, boys, boys. You really think you got something done here. Do you have a clue what just happened? It was protocol. I followed protocol. (MARCH SPEAKING FAKE GERMAN) JUDITH:What's wrong with him? HEALY: I believe he's making a connection between you and Adolf Hitler. JUDITH: Read the f**ing newspaper. What's good for Detroit is good for America. HEALY: Unbelievable. JUDITH:The America I love owes its life to the Big Three. -But it's all right for you to fail your daughter? JUDITH:Detroit had her k**ed. MARCH: I think I read about that. The whole city got together, took a vote. Big turnout. JUDITH:I wanted her safe. That's why I hired you two. HEALY:You're going to jail, Mrs Kuttner. JUDITH:I might be going to jail, but it won't make a difference. You can't take Detroit down.And if I'm not there to take care of it, someone else will be. HEALY: Okay. MARCH: well, we shall see. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING as March drives to a bar. It's Christmas season,and a Santa Claus is on the street) SANTA: Merry Christmas, everybody. Merry Christmas! [Inside the bar, March finds Holly besides the doorstep.] MARCH: Jesus. Where is he? [Holly points offscreen. Healy is smoking a cigar at the bar counter. March takes a seat besides him.] MARCH: Scotch. [turns to March] HEALY: Did you see the TV? MARCH:Yeah, I saw. HEALY: They're gonna let them off,the car companies, scot-free. Not enough evidence of collusion, you see. MARCH:I heard. HEALY: The sun went up, the sun went down. Nothing changes, just like you said. MARCH:Look, they got away with it. Big surprise, you know?(SIGHS) People are stupid. But they're not that stupid. The point is five years tops, we're all driving electric cars from Japan, anyway. Mark my words. Look at this. [grabs his tie] You ever see the bad-breath tie? (EXHALES) Breathe on it. [Healy exhales, the tie shrivels. Healy laughs.] MARCH: Works every time. k**s Holly. At least you're drinking again. HEALY:Yeah. I feel great. MARCH:You know, nobody got hurt. HEALY:A few people got hurt. MARCH:I'm saying I think they died quickly, though, so I don't think that they got hurt. [takes out a newspaper] Look at this. [shows an ad featuring caricatures of both, 'The Nice Guys Agency'] MARCH:I'm sorry you look Filipino. HEALY:I do. Or I look Mexican. MARCH:And we already got our first case. Old lady in Glendale. HEALY:Mmm-hmm. MARCH:Thinks her husband's sleeping with Lynda Carter. HEALY:Wonder Woman? MARCH:Or Lynda Carter. That's what we have to figure out. HEALY:Right. MARCH:But he's 82, so it's time-sensitive. What do you say? (a bee is BUZZING on the counter.) MARCH: sh**. (tries to hit the bee with the paper, then CLEARS THROAT) MARCH: To the birds. HEALY: Hallelujah. (BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)