Kiese Laymon - Long Division (Excerpt) lyrics

…I didn't have a girlfriend from kindergarten all the way through the first half of ninth grade and it wasn't because the whole high school heard Principal Jankins whispering to his wife, Ms. Dawsin-Jankins, that my hairline was shaped like the top of a Smurf house. I never had a girlfriend because I loved this funky girl named 
Shalaya Crump. The last time Shalaya Crump and I really talked, she told me, “City, I could love you if you helped me change the future dot-dot-dot in a special way.” Shalaya Crump was always saying stuff like that, stuff you'd only imagine kids saying in a dream or on those R-rated movies on HBO starring spoiled teenagers. If any other girl in 1985 said, “the future dot-dot-dot,” she would have meant 1986 or maybe 1990 at the most. But not Shalaya Crump. I knew she meant somewhere way in the future that no one other than scientists and dope fiends had ever thought of before. Shalaya Crump lived down in Melahatchie, Mississippi across the road from Mama Lara's house. A year ago, she convinced me that plenty of high school girls would like me even though my hips were way wider than a JET centerfold's, and the smell of deodorant made me throw up. The thing was that none of the ninth-grade girls who liked me wore fake Air Jordans with low socks, or knew how to be funny in church while everyone else was praying, or had those sleepy, sunken eyes like Shalaya Crump. Plus, you never really knew what Shalaya Crump was going to say and she always looked like she knew more than everybody around her, even more than the rickety grown folks who wanted other rickety grown folks to think they knew more than Yoda. It's hard to ever really know why you love a girl, but all I know is that Shalaya Crump made me feel like it was okay not to know everything. You could feel good around Shalaya Crump just by knowing enough to get by. That's what I loved about her most. Sometimes, she asked these hard questions about the future but she didn't treat you like chunky vomit when you didn't get the answer right. It's hard to explain if you never been around a girl like that. It's just that no other girl in my whole life made me feel like it was okay not to know stuff like Shalaya Crump did. The worst part of it is that even after all we went through yesterday, I still have no proof that I ever made Shalaya Crump feel anything other than guilty for leaving me with Baize Shephard. I'm not just saying that to sound like something you'd read by a broken-hearted white boy from New York City in a dumb novel in tenth-grade English. If you want me to be honest, everything I'm telling you is only half of what made the story of Shalaya Crump, Baize Shephard, Jewish Evan Altshuler, and me the saddest story in the history of Mississippi. And it's really hard to have the saddest story in the history of a state like Mississippi, where there are even more sad stories than there are hungry mosquitoes and sticker bushes. It really is. Shalaya Crump claimed she could love me three months ago, depending on how you count. It was January 3, 1985, the last day of my Christmas break. I was about to leave Melahatchie and head back to Chicago. We were sitting under a magnolia tree in a forest we called the Night Time Woods, sharing the last bit of a can of sardines. I was just tired of not saying all of what I wanted to say to her, so I licked the sardine juice off my fingers, picked up my sweat rag, and asked her what I'd been waiting to ask her the whole break. “Shalaya Crump!” I said, “Can you break it down for me one more time. What I gotta do to make you love me?” Shalaya Crump laughed and started digging into the red dirt with her dark bony thumbs that were covered in these Ring Pop rings. Right there is when Shalaya Crump wiped her greasy mouth with the collar of her purple Gumby T-shirt and said, “Why you gotta be so green light lately, City?” “Green light?” “Yeah, you never stop. All you do is spit game about ‘love this' and ‘love that.' I already told you that I could love you if you found a way to be…” Shalaya Crump stopped talking, looked me right in the eyes, and grabbed the fingertips of my hands. “City, just listen,” she said. “Look, if we could take a spaceship to the future, and we ain't know if we'd ever come back, would you go with me?” Shalaya Crump was always changing the subject to the future at the craziest times. I swear I tried to come up with something smart, something that would make her think I could be the skinniest, smartest boy she'd ever want to spend the rest of my life with. “Girl, in the future,” I told Shalaya Crump, “when we take that spaceship, first thing is I think that Eddie Murphy is gonna do a PG movie. And umm, I think that Michael Jackson and New Edition are gonna come together and sing a song at our wedding, but ain't nobody at the wedding gonna care because everyone at the wedding is gonna finally know.” “Uh, finally know what?” She stopped and let go of my wrists. “Finally know, you know, what that real love looks like, baby.” “City! Why you gotta get all Vienna sausage school bus when you start trying to spit game?” She paused and actually waited for an answer. I didn't have one, so she kept going. “Just stop. You stuck on talking about love but I'm talking about the future. Can we just talk about that? What happened to you? One day you were just regular and we were playing Atari and hitting each other in the face with pine cones. Then, just like that, you get to stealing Bibles to impress me and wearing clean clothes and talking about love and getting jealous of Willis whenever we watch Diff'rent Strokes and asking me all these questions about what senior I have a crush on. Can't you just be yourself?” “I am being myself,” I told her. “I don't like how you look at Willis.” I knew that making Shalaya Crump love me wasn't going to be easy, so I didn't let her little speech throw me off. “You talk all that mess about me, but you the one who didn't always talk about the future like you do now.” I looked in her eyes, but she was looking at the ground. “No offense, girl, but you talk about the future way more than I talk about love.” “But I'm not just talking.” She wiped sardine grease off my lip. “That's the difference. I'm asking about what you'd do with me in the future, like in 2013. For real! Would you come with me if I could get us there?” I just looked at Shalaya Crump and wondered how she could say I was being all Vienna sausage school bus and all green light when, seriously, she was the one always wondering about life in 2013. No kid in 1985 admitted to thinking about life in the '90s, and definitely not in 2013, not even after Back to the Future came out. “Never mind,” she said. “You don't get it.” “I do get it,” I told her. “I get that I might not be the one for you. In 2013, I'ma be like 42. When I'm 42, you'll still think my hairline is too crooked and my sweat'll still stink like gas station toilets.” I looked up and hoped she would interrupt me. She didn't. “Anyway. You could never love me even if I was the skinniest, smartest boy in the South. I truly know that now.” Shalaya Crump finally laughed and looked me right in my mouth. “City, I'ma ask you one more time to stop being so Young and the Restless. Don't never ever say ‘truly' around me 
again. Never!” Shalaya Crump was the queen of taking a show or a person, place, or thing and using it like an adjective. No one else in Jackson or Chicago or Melahatchie or TV could do it like her. If she told you not to ever use a word around her, you knew it was a word that should never have come out of your mouth in the first place. Shalaya Crump took her eyes off my mouth and started looking at my hips. “Look, City,” she said. “I could love you the way you want me to, really. I could if you found a way to help me change the future in, I don't know dot-dot-dot a special way.” “Dot-dot-dot? I thought you were done with that read-your-punctuation style. You don't think you played that out last summer?” “Just listen. I need to know if you'd come with me, even if we couldn't ever come back.” Shalaya Crump was always saying weird stuff like that and trying to create new slang. One day, she called me on the phone long distance during the school year and said, “City comma I realized today that I hate Ronald Reagan. When I'm president comma I wanna make it so you never have to be in a cla**room with more than ten other kids from Head Start all the way through 12th grade. I think I might wanna make it illegal for parents to leave their kids with their grandma in Melahatchie for more than three days at a time if the grandma don't have cable or good air. What you think?” I waited for her to laugh after saying that, since my ma was always sending me to stay with my Mama Lara for weeks at a time. Mama Lara didn't have good cable or air either, and neither did her grandma, but Shalaya Crump didn't laugh, so I fake laughed for her and said, “You love you some English and Civics cla**es, don't you?” A few seconds later, when no one was saying a word, she started laughing all late into the phone. Only Shalaya Crump could laugh all late into the phone and not care about using up her grandma's long distance to talk about hating Ronald Reagan. It was stuff like calling me long distance and telling me stuff that didn't make sense and laughing all late at my jokes that made me think I could tongue kiss Shalaya Crump. Anyway, I had a lot of questions about how to change the future and be special to Shalaya Crump, but my Mama Lara drove in front of her trailer right after she said that thing about coming to the future with her. Mama Lara told me that it was time to take the bus back up to Chicago. I left Shalaya Crump that Christmas break without a kiss, a hug, or anything, but I did tell her, “I'm coming back to fly to the future with you for spring break, baby. And when I do, you better love me. Or at least like me a lot.” “I already like you a lot,” she told me as I got in the car. “Don't call me baby no more, though. Just be yourself and come back in March. Please. I need you, City.” I promised myself right then and there that I'd never call Shalaya Crump “baby” if it meant that she'd be my girl, and that I'd find a way to be special and change the future when I came back down to Mississippi for spring break. In the meantime, no matter where I was in my dreams, I always found a way to kiss Shalaya Crump. Sometimes I'd be in a blue jungle or a raggedy gla** airplane, but there would always be a phone hanging out of a tree or underneath a seat. I'd find a phone and dial 1-4-1-1. When the operator answered, it was always Shalaya Crump and she always gave me the best directions to get to her. Once I got to where she was, every single time we kissed with a little tongue and pressed our fronts together until I woke up sore. In real life, between January and March, I thought of all kinds of ways to show Shalaya Crump I was special. I wrote every plan down in this thick college-lined notebook I should have been using to take notes in English cla**. The notebook was called GAME in bold capital letters. Sometimes I would think I had the perfect plan but after a few days, I knew that whatever GAME I came up with wouldn't be good enough for her. Then, on the first day back down to Melahatchie for spring break, I got lucky. GAME found me…