Jon Plowman - France (Transcript) lyrics

TITLE SEQUENCE INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE -- BEDROOM EDINA: Come on, wake up! Come on, Bubble, try and concentrate! I've got important information to tell you. I am going to be in France for nearly a whole week, and I'm counting on you to cope. Now, there's only one thing you have to concentrate on one thing:the refurbishment of Bettina's apartment. BUBBLE: The refurbishment of Bettina's apartment. EDINA: I promised it would be finished this week. When she said "Third World Chic" I was hoping she would stick to it, but it took me hours to get that fly-blown mud hessian for her kitchen walls. There's a nomadic tribe in the Northern African desert that's going to be travelling rather light this winter, thanks to Bettina. When the wood arrives for the kitchen surfaces remember to stamp "Greenpeace Approved" on it. BUBBLE: "Greenpeace Approved". EDINA: If the silk for the cushion doesn't arrive, then fax Calcutta and tell them to weave faster. What can they be doing? Squatting inside the room, making chapattis? Poor Bettina. (Mimics French in her mirror) Bonjour. Oui, oui. Also, I'll try and phone you from my mobile, but I'm not sure it'll work from France. BUBBLE: Or, even if it does, I won't understand what you're saying. EDINA: Oh, darling. BUBBLE: You do speak French, don't you? EDINA: Of course I speak French. (Puzzled, she unscrews the mouthpiece from a telephone.) Someone has been stealing from me! INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE -- KITCHEN Edina thumps down toward the kitchen from the ground floor area. EDINA (CONT'D): Saffy! MOTHER : Morning, dear. EDINA: What are you doing here? MOTHER: I've come to stay, dear, while you're away to keep Saffron company. EDINA: No, you're not. Is she, sweetie? SAFFY: I don't mind. EDINA: Saffy doesn't want you here cramping her style. She wants a little freedom. She wants to have parties and have boys around and play loud music. BUBBLE: : And have orgies. EDINA: Yeah and a bit of snogging. Smash the place up a bit and crash out on the floor. BUBBLE: : In a pool of sick. SAFFY: I don't! EDINA: Why not, darling? Why not try it just once, sweetie? MOTHER: You're not like your mother in that respect, are you, Saffron? She spent most of her teenage years sitting on a large bean-bag, cigarette in one hand, joss-stick in the other with a large-lipped youth suctioned onto her face. EDINA: Come here, darling. Come away from that woman. I want to speak to you. MOTHER: Nice cup of tea. Where would one find the tea bags? EDINA: We don't have tea bags. We happen to have tea. Come over here, sweetie. I want to talk to you. Something has been stolen from my room. SAFFY: What? EDINA: A certain something precious to me. BUBBLE: Have you seen this pot? EDINA: (frantic) Where? What? (realizes) Oh. MOTHER: It's a sort of space-age teapot, isn't it, dear? A teapot to boldly go where no teapot has been before to seek out new life forms. SAFFY: I hid your stash. EDINA: Where? SAFFY: Down the toilet. EDINA: (appalled) Ah! MOTHER: What might one use to put the tea in the pot with? EDINA: A teaspoon, a bloody, buggery teaspoon! Oh! MOTHER: A bloody, buggery teaspoon. That sounds rather clever. And what did one fill the kettle from? The bloody marvellous tap, I suppose? EDINA: No, we happen to have a filter here, alright? God, you come around here and make endless bloody fuss. It's my house where I should be able to do what I want. If only people would let me get on with it. So, I have been busted by my own daughter, have I? What am I supposed to do now, sweetie? SAFFY: What were you planning to do? Slide it into the lining of your handbag, or insert it into some orifice for some dog to sniff at? I can't believe you were taking it with you. I don't mind if you have to have the odd joint at home, in your bedroom. EDINA: Oh, sweetie, thank you. How kind, darling! It was for personal use. You're allowed it for personal use. SAFFY: Yes, but they would send you to prison. EDINA: Not someone like me. Not any more. SAFFY: Pathetic. MOTHER: This filtered water boils very fast. BUBBLE: That's because there's less of it. MOTHER: Ah. SAFFY: I mean, they are illegal d**. You use them like people have after-dinner mints, to round off a meal. You sniff something to make you speedy or smoke to make you jelly-brained. Either way, you end up more boring than you can imagine. EDINA: That's rich from someone who lives a life that's so boring it would make a battery chicken take up an evening cla**, sweetie. SAFFY: Mum, you are supporting a criminal, corrupt, evil system. MOTHER: Is she insisting on voting Labour again? EDINA: Oh, shut up! SAFFY: You're no different to a junkie on the street, to a dealer. As long as people like you go on doing it, giving it a hint of respectability, the evil will continue. Governments will be undermined, countries kept poor, children corrupted, individuals will be k**ed, intimidated and tortured. EDINA: God, you've overdosed on John bloody Craven's Newsround again, sweetie! [entrance buzzer] MOTHER: That'll be Patsy. MOTHER: Oh, I'll go. EDINA: (On the buzzphone for the door) Bonjour, sweetie. INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE -- RECEPTION AREA MOTHER: Oh, Patricia! PATSY: Oh, hello. MOTHER: How nice. Oh, still no ring on that finger, then. Still no husband? PATSY: No one special. (Yells) Eddy! MOTHER: And you were always the one with the boys. It seems so strange to me that Edwina should have been married twice, and you still a spinster. BUBBLE: Oh, I don't know. MOTHER: Still blonde, then? PATSY: Yes. MOTHER: Still managing to keep that up? PATSY: Yes. Is Eddy here? MOTHER: Yes, she's here. Lovely old Patsy is here, dear. PATSY: (Scoffing) Come on, Eddy. MOTHER: No, no. Patsy, here's Saffy. Saffy, here's Auntie Patsy. SAFFY: Bye-bye, Auntie Patsy. PATSY: Come on, Eddy. EDINA: Bye, Mum. MOTHER: Goodbye, dear. Take care of yourself. EDINA: I will. SAFFY: Be careful. Pa**port, tickets, condoms? EDINA: Yes, darling. You! (To Bubble.) Remember: cancel my aromatherapy, psychotherapy, my reflexology, osteopath, homeopath, naturopath, crystal reading, shiatsu, my organic hairdresser and see if I can be rebirthed next Thursday afternoon. BUBBLE: (With her fingers crossed and a dazed look on her face.) Consider it done. INT. COMMERCIAL AIRCRAFT CABIN EDINA: And one of those, there. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Du vin rouge? PATSY : And those two vodkas. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: De la vodka. EDINA: This This This . FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ça c'est du parfum, madame. EDINA: Oui. PATSY: And two champagnes. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Du champagne. EDINA: Thank you. What's in there? FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ca c'est la poubelle, madame. PATSY: Yeah, we'll have two of those. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Vous desirez des cacahouettes? PATSY AND EDINA: No. EDINA: Peanuts! PATSY: Oi, peanuts! Sullen, stingy, bloody French b**h. FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Madame PATSY: Mademoiselle. Mademoiselle! EDINA: I'm going to have a healthy week, Pats. I'm not eating and not drinking. PATSY: Right. EDINA: I'm just eating fruit. Just eating fruit and not drinking. PATSY: You can't go to France and not drink. We're staying in the middle of a vineyard. The area alone is 15% proof. EDINA: Oh well, I'll drink just wine. Eat just fruit, drink just wine and not smoke. PATSY: That's good. And I'm not having s**. EDINA: Are you sure, darling? PATSY: Positive. EDINA: Alright, then. OK. Are we starting now or when we land? PATSY: (looks up and down the aisle) I think I can safely start now. Seeing an attractive male walking toward the bathroom, Patsy seems to change her mind. She starts gathering her things. PATSY (CONT'D): No, let's say when we land. Patsy stalks off toward the occupied bathroom. Cut to: WIDE SHOT OF FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE Edina and Patsy are driving toward their vacation home in France after the flight from England. EDINA: Look at this. It's glorious. Wake up, Pats, look at this. Look what you're missing sweetie. PATSY: Mm. EDINA: Hang on, let's cope with this corner. Some time pa**es. PATSY: Oh, it's gorgeous. EDINA: Look, it's a little town. This is it, isn't it. Look. Wake up, Pats. Is this the house? Oh, God. More time pa**es. PATSY: Eddy, we've been down this road before. EDINA: That is the same village. We are going backwards. Edina pulls over to the left side of the road and gets out. EDINA: Am I on the right side of the road? I can't go on until I'm sure. PATSY: (gets out) Keep driving, Eddy. You haven't hit anything yet. EDINA: This is here. I should be on the right-hand side of the road. PATSY: Do you want me to drive? EDINA: Oh, so speaks the woman whose head has been lolling like a bladder on a stick for the best part of the journey. Read the maps, get the maps. Patsy hands Edina a map. EDINA (CONT'D): This is Spain. (she looks at a different one) Read the instructions. PATSY: "Leave airport, turn right" Blah, blah, blah. EDINA: Right. Now get in, Pats. I shouldn't have gone left, should I? Would left be the same in France? Going back to that bloody airport, or we'll never find it. Oh, God. I hate France, I hate it. ! Oh, God. EXT. FRENCH VACATION HOME The car pulls up. EDINA: Eight hours, Pats, it has taken us. That knocks your idea of wild nightlife in St Tropez on the head, doesn't it, sweetie. INT. FRENCH VACATION HOME EDINA: Eight hours, eight bloody hours. If you hadn't... PATSY: If you read the instructions and didn't go in so many bloody circles we might be ten minutes from St Tropez. EDINA: I don't think so. The sky lost that comforting orange glow a long way back. PATSY: Oh, it's gorgeous. EDINA: After eight hours in that bloody car with you, Patsy, the local pissoir looked rather gorgeous. But this? PATSY: Oh, shut up, Eddy. We want something to eat and something to drink. EDINA: Oh, God! To eat, Patsy, I can see four pieces of dried-up pasta and half a packet of French toast which defied eating at the best of times. (panicking) A co*kroach, a co*kroach, a co*kroach! Don't k** it! I'm a Buddhist, I could come back as one of those. Oh! Edina flails about in front of the co*kroach. Patsy k**s it with a broom. PATSY: I think it had a coronary, sweetie. EDINA: Oh, God! Insects, insects! They followed me, those bloody insects. Insects follow me everywhere, from Tuscany to the Caribbean. Insects, insects, insects! I usually see pictures of glamorous houses in Marrakesh, for God's sake. You don't see spiders scuttling into the corner. You never see a picture of Jane Seymour with a centipede dangling from her tiara! No, they just follow me, they bloody follow me. A mosquito has never bitten you, for God's sake! PATSY: The last mosquito that bit me had to book in to the Betty Ford Clinic. EDINA: Exactly! Oh, God, I hate France! Cut to: INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE -- KITCHEN MOTHER: I'm having a little trouble finding the BBC, dear. I flicked through about 15 channels. SAFFY: You've got it on satellite. Press that one. MOTHER: No wonder! I kept seeing these Italian housewives taking their bras off. I thought, "This can't be Challenge Anneka. " Can I help myself to a sherry, dear? Oh, or shall I have a Japanese beer? No. INT. FRENCH VACATION HOME A clap of thunder and the lights suddenly go out. EDINA: Pats! Straw Dogs! PATSY: It's alright. I've got a lighter. EDINA: That's typical, isn't it, when you go abroad! The slightest suggestion of a thunderstorm and all the bloody lights go out! That's typical, isn't it? Oh, let's all join Europe so the lights can bloody go out everywhere. Sieg heil, the Federal State! PATSY: Shut up, Eddy! What's the matter with you? You need a joint, we both need a joint. EDINA: I haven't got any. Saffy flushed all mine, the lot. I thought you had something. PATSY: I was counting on you. I've only got some coke and some ecstasy. EDINA: Are you mad? No one's taking that any more. PATSY: Well, I'm going to bed. EDINA: Don't just leave me here, stranded! Darling, there's only one candle, sweetie. The head towards the bedroom. EDINA: Careful here, we could come across a corpse, or something. Cut to... The following morning. Edina is wastefully spewing air freshener into the air about their vacation space. EDINA: I'm very sorry about the bloody ozone layer, but this is a matter of human survival here. Pats, go down to the village. You know what we need. PATSY: I don't know what we need. EDINA: Yes, you do, darling! You know, milk and bread and cheese and little French things. Go on. PATSY: Why don't you go? EDINA: I'll write it down for you. Hang on. Look, come on, sweetie. Look, we need bread. "Pain." From the bakery. The pa-pa-pa... "painerie". PATSY: Blancmangerie? EDINA: And a few little "vejartables" from the "grocerie". A few little things, anyway. Go on, off you go. PATSY: Look, Eddy, you do it. EDINA: Oh, no! OK, but you have to call Saffy and Bubble and let them know we're here. PATSY: I tried. I don't know the code. EDINA: Isn't it the same as from LA? PATSY: It doesn't work! Anyway, there isn't a book. EDINA: We'll just phone the "operateur". PATSY: And say what? EDINA : "Ou est le code for... Angleterre. For Londres," for God's sake! PATSY: I'll do it when you've gone. EDINA: Oh. PATSY: Have you got some money, darling? EDINA: Yes, I've got lots. (Patsy gives money to Edina.) Well, well, well. PATSY: Is that enough? EDINA: That's about 500 pounds. I've got cards. Alright, sweetie. See you later. Oh, God! There's a knock at the door. OLD FRENCHMAN: (Imploring in French) Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici? et puis, qui vous:êtes, vous? Le château est à 400 mètres. Vous ne comprenez pas? Qu'est-ce que vous faites ici? Patsy desperately tries to communicate for the guy to slither away. Hastily, Patsy hands the man all the cash she in her hand. OLD FRENCHMAN (CONT'D): J'espère que vous pa**erez de bonnes vacances. Patsy closes the door and starts to gag severely. EXT. FRENCH VILLAGE Edina wanders around the little town adjacent to their vacation home. She sees empty stores. There's a bar with people inside. She pushes the door open. INT. FRENCH PUBLIC HOUSE All of the patrons stop talking and look her way. She quickly retreats and closes the door. Edina considers stealing a baguette from a bicycle outside the shop but is spotted and walks off. INT. FRENCH VACATION HOME PATSY: We must be getting closer now. EDINA: If you get through, I'll ask Saffy to come and bring food, shall I? PATSY: We don't want her down here. Get her to phone up in French, order the food from Paris and have it sent down. EDINA: Pst! PATSY: (Stammering) Oh, one, four? Edina opens the door and lurches back. OLD FRENCHMAN: Qu'est:ce que vous faites ici? EDINA: Pats, Pats! Come here, quickly! OLD FRENCHMAN: Qu'est:ce que vous faites ici? PATSY: Oh, God! OLD FRENCHMAN Le château est à 400 mètres. PATSY: Phoosh! EDINA: Err! Ab-ab-ab. See you! INT. EDINA'S HOLLAND PARK RESIDENCE -- KITCHEN BUBBLE: Has she rung? SAFFY: No, what's the matter? BUBBLE: It's urgent. A very angry man called to say that she's to sign this, or the work won't be finished on doings' flat. SAFFY: Can't it wait? BUBBLE: It's cutting it really, really fine if I leave it 'til she gets back. In fact, I think he wants it tomorrow morning. This sort of thing's never happened to me before. SAFFY: Well, you've never done anything before. BUBBLE: I know. I don't know why she wants to do this interior design thing. There's just so much work! MOTHER: Well, she never would be told. She's always had her own ideas about decorating. How she could live in that room of hers at home, I don't know. Since she left, it has had two coats of paint and three different wallpapers, and when the light's right, I can still see Jimi Hendrix's face staring out at me. (Singing) Purple haze, all in my brain. Never the same. Oh, dear The phone rings. Saffy answers it. SAFFY: Hello? Mum? No. How can you have malnutrition? INT. FRENCH VACATION HOME EDINA: Oh, God! It's that old man again. You go, Pats, he likes you. He likes you, darling. He fancies you. You go. PATSY: Thank God! Wine! Eddy, Rosemary's baby has arrived with food! EDINA: Oh, sweetie! Food, wine! Hurrah! Oh, God! Hello, darling. Edina grabs the groceries and darts for the kitchen. SAFFY: It isn't really what I imagined. EDINA: Horrible, isn't it? SAFFY: I like it. EDINA: It's been a nightmare. Have you eaten? SAFFY: No. EDINA: Oh, good. I'll do one of my specials. I'll throw some tomatoes and olive oil and garlic into a pan. SAFFY: A sandwich would do. EDINA: No, I'll do my special Come on, can you hand me a frying pan? Saff, give me a little frying pan. Argh! BUBBLE: Bonjour. Edina is shocked. EXT. FRENCH VACATION HOME SAFFY: Anyone fancy a game of table tennis? EDINA: I'm sorry there's nothing to do, darling. SAFFY: What do you mean? There's plenty to do. You could walk, or paint, or play a game of table tennis. EDINA: I suppose that's alright if you're some deprived kid at its first youth club. PATSY: Or in prison at Cell Block H. SAFFY: Bubble? BUBBLE: Oh, yeah! I hope I can remember how to play. Later, Edina is painting a scene including the others. EDINA: Shh, shh, shh! Bubble, have you moved? You'll be a bush anyway, I've got my green mixed up. I've done you, Patsy. You can go. Edina accidentally swallows her paint water. EXT. EDINA'S FRENCH VACATION HOME SAFFY: It's lovely here. EDINA: It's lovely, yes. SAFFY: How can you not be enjoying it? It's so peaceful and relaxing. Just walking, reading and playing games. It's fun. EDINA: Fun? Hm. I can see it should be fun, I know it should be fun, sweetie. It's like a secret no one's let me in on. It's your sort of fun. Mm? Yeah. SAFFY: Yes. Well, I think I'll go and have a stroll in the village. EDINA: I won't come. Edina watches Saffy walk away. EDINA (CONT'D): (Sighing) Pats! Rising, Edina heads toward the interior of the vacation home. EDINA (CONT'D): You know that chateau with the degustation that we pa**ed? What do you think? INT. NEIGHBORING FRENCH CHATEAU -- WINE CELLAR EDINA: Mmm (Laughing) Darling, don't snort it. Just drink it, sweetie. Oh! (Choking) PATSY: Oh Fabulous. EDINA: Fantastique. EDINA: Now, which, this one? We've tried this one. I like this one. It's this one This is the one, Pats. This one. This is the one, sweetie. PATSY: We've tried this one. EDINA: This one, have you tried this one? : What's this? What's this? We haven't tried this one. We'll try this one! : This is the one. No, this is the one. PATSY: That's the one we like. EDINA: This is the one we like. This is the one we didn't want, the empty one. We didn't want this one, but this is the one This is the one we wanted. That is the one that we don't want. Right, this was one, this was one and this was one. We haven't tried this one. PATSY: This one. And that box. EDINA: We're having the box as well, aren't we? EXT: NEIGHBORING FRENCH CHATEAU Edina and Patsy stagger towards the car holding cases of wine. Edina throws wine bottles and cases into the car and gets in the pa**enger side. EDINA: sh**! Someone's taken the steering-wheel! EXT. FRENCH VACATION HOME Edina comes outside with two cups and saucers. She sniffs one and mouths that it's Patsy's. She sits at the table where there is an incomplete puzzle. PATSY: Thanks, Ed. EDINA: Right, if you do the sky, I'll do the gra**. PATSY: (bored) Alright. Bubble comes out with table tennis bats. BUBBLE: Fancy a game of doubles? EDINA: No, I don't play. PATSY: I'm only going to play if I can play with Eddy. EDINA: In a minute. (she bangs on the puzzle with her hand) It's so stupid! They've made the holes the wrong shape for the pieces. INT: FRENCH VACATION HOME They play table tennis, Edina and Bubble on one side, Saffy and Patsy on the other. BUBBLE: Come on, Patsy! EDINA: At least you're not playing with a liquorice all-sort. SAFFY: She's very good. EDINA: I'm in the game as well You could hit it to me sometimes. Some time pa**es. Patsy re-enters the room with visible powder under a nostril. EDINA: Pats, Pats. Darling, wipe it, wipe it, wipe it. Later, the game heats up. EDINA: Let's stop and think about the rules for a second. SAFFY: I'll keep score. First service. EDINA: Hit it to me! SAFFY: To Bubble. BUBBLE: No, to me! SAFFY: Oh, well done! Lovely! EDINA: Everybody stop it. You're not allowed to play until I'm ready. I want you two to keep an eye on the score. Hand me that ball. Edina wins a point. EDINA: Yes! Later in the evening, they play Monopoly. BUBBLE: Oh, I'm broke. PATSY: Take another mortgage. Don't give in. BUBBLE: What, on a "get out of jail free" card? EDINA: Well, try. SAFFY: I thought you were broke. Where did you get all that money from? PATSY: Don't question me. SAFFY: Where did you get it? PATSY: I borrowed it from the bank. SAFFY: You can't do that. That's cheating! PATSY: Listen, you little stoat. I own Park Lane. I can borrow as much bloody money as I like. Come on. EDINA: Honestly, Saffy! Try and get into the spirit of the thing, sweetie. INT: FRENCH VACATION HOME The next day, Saffy is packing bags while Edina and Patsy play table tennis in the other room. SAFFY: Isn't this the paper you wanted my mother to sign? BUBBLE: Oh, jeepers creepers! SAFFY: Go and give it to her now. There's still time. BUBBLE: No. SAFFY: Go on. BUBBLE: You. SAFFY: Don't be silly. Go on! Bubble begrudingly leaves. Edina and Patsy shriek in unison and run toward the telephone. EDINA: Get me to that phone! Ingleterra, Ingleterra. ! Jesus! Pronto. EXT. FRENCH VACATION HOME Patsy and Bubble take cases to the car. OLD FRENCHMAN: Qu'est:ce que vous foutez dans cette baraque? BUBBLE: He says he's wondering why we've been staying at the cottage. OLD FRENCHMAN: Enfin, le château est à 400 mètres, le personnel vous attend. BUBBLE: The staff have been expecting us at the chateau half a mile down the road. OLD FRESHMAN: J'espère que vous pa**erez de bonnes vacances, va. BUBBLE: Aww. He hopes we had a pleasant stay. PATSY: (grabs Bubble) Listen, you little gonk. If you tell anyone what he said, I'll k** you. Edina and Saffy run out. EDINA: Drive, just drive! Get in the car, get in the car! Drive, drive! (honks the horn frantically) Patsy, get in! (Bubble tarries.) Leave her, leave her. She's not quick enough. Come on, sweetie! INT. CUSTOMS CHECKPOINT -- UK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT PATSY: It's absolutely ridiculous stopping me. Look at the people they're letting through. Stoned Chinese hippies with backpacks, for God's sake! Customs Officer points out pills in Patsy's luggage. PATSY (CONT'D): Prescription! EDINA: There is someone waiting just out by that barrier there to get this piece of paper to save my reputation and career. (Whispering to Patsy) If he finds anything, Pats, you're on your own. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Whose bag is this? EDINA: This is my case. It's not my sponge bag. CUSTOMS OFFICER: Who packed this case? EDINA & PATSY: They did. (They push Saffy and Bubble forward.) CUSTOMS OFFICER: You'd better come with me. INT. CUSTOMS HOLDING TANK -- UK INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT Edina is in a foul mood. EDINA: *You* don't have to say anything. SAFFY: I know! EDINA :If you had given me this paper sooner, I would have rushed home and I wouldn't be standing here now! SAFFY: It's not her fault we're here now. EDINA: I don't think anyone quite appreciates the scale of what is happening here! It means that of course Bettina's apartment won't get decorated. It's the end of my career in interior design before it's even begun. SAFFY: Buildings everywhere might heave a sigh of relief. EDINA: I don't know why I don't sack you. Bubble bursts into tears. SAFFY: Don't be silly. Where else are you going to find someone who makes doing nothing into an art form? I'm sorry. I had to say that. BUBBLE: It's alright. I didn't quite understand what you meant. PATSY: Is no one going to speak to me? EDINA: Shh! PATSY: After all, I'll be the one who'll be going to prison. BUBBLE: At least you've got your table tennis practice in. Customs Officer enters room. PATSY: I must be allowed that telephone call before my freedom is finally snatched away from me. CUSTOMS OFFICER: That won't be necessary. The powder we found was a perfectly harmless, innocent substance. EDINA: Oh! CUSTOMS OFFICER: You're all free to go. PATSY: I beg your pardon? CUSTOMS OFFICER: You're free to go. Be a bit more careful next time. PATSY: Just hang on there. I demand that you retest it. Come back! I paid a huge amount of money for that stuff. Don't tell me it was talcum powder. End credits play. EDINA: So you've been diddled. It's happened to us all. PATSY: But it's not the money. EDINA: What is it? PATSY: It's the horrible realisation that I must have enjoyed playing ping-pong.