John Swartzwelder - Rosebud lyrics

At Burns's mansion. The shots pans down past several signs on the gate: Keep Out, Danger Electrified Fence, Trespa**ers Will Be Shot, and Free Kittens - Inquire Within. Outside the front door, several guards march up and down, chanting. GUARDS All we own, we o-owe, all we own, we o-owe. SMITHERS (leaning out of a window) Shh! GUARDS (quieter) All we own, we o-owe, all we own, we o-owe . . . Inside the mansion, Burns is in bed. We see his dream - a young Burns, playing with a stuffed bear. BURNS Tra-la-la-la-la-la! Tra-la-la-la-la! I'm the happiest boy there is, aren't I, Bobo? A limousine pulls up, and the pa**enger talks to Burns's parents. MOTHER Happy! Come here, Happy! BURNS Yes, Mumsy? FATHER Happy, would you like to continue living with us, your loving natural parents, or would you rather live with this twisted, loveless billionaire? Burns drops the bear, jumps into the limo, and puts sungla**es on. BURNS Let's roll! FATHER (calling after him) Wait! You forgot your bear, a symbol of your lost youth and innocence! Ah, oh well, at least we still have his little brother George. GEORGE (sings) Bwa bwa bwa bwa, Oh the sun shines bright on my old Kentucky Home, Bwa bwa bwa bwa... (spoken) Trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man. The dream fades back to the present. Burns tosses and turns in his bed, holding a Nev-R-Break snow globe. BURNS I want my... teddy... Smithers walks in as he drops the snow globe. BURNS Bobo... Bobo... (Smithers wakes him up) Huh? Oh, it's you. The bedpan's under my pillow. SMITHERS Who's Bobo, sir? BURNS Bobo? Uh, I... I... I meant Lobo! Uh, Sheriff Lobo: they never should have cancelled that show. SMITHERS I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun. BURNS I won't get what I really want. SMITHERS No one does... Smithers imagines a naked Mr. Burns popping out of a birthday cake, singing. BURNS Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers! Smithers groans with pleasure. At the Simpsons home, Homer tosses in bed. HOMER Lobo... Lobo... Bring back Sheriff Lobo... Lobo... Lobo! (waking up with a jolt) Aaah! MARGE What is it? Homer points to the calendar by the bed. HOMER Oh no! Burns's birthday! MARGE What's wrong? HOMER Every time Mr. Burns has a birthday, all the employees have to help out at the party. And I always get some terrible job. He recalls holding a piñata while a blindfolded Burns swings at it. BURNS Where is that dreaded piñata? HOMER (hit by Burns) Ow. (hit) Ow. (hit) Ow. (hit) Missed me, heh heh! (hit) Ow. Back to reality, and Marge has fallen back asleep. Later that day at work, Homer is being played a prank on by his co-workers. They look on and laugh as Homer struggles to remove a coat hanger stuck in his shirt. HOMER Not funny! And the one in my pant really hurts! Everyone laughs harder. Meanwhile, Burns watches him on the security monitors. BURNS That man who's getting all those laughs, Smithers---who is he? SMITHERS Homer Simpson, sir, one of the carbon blobs from sector 7-G, but I don't think--- BURNS I want this Simpson fellow to perform comedy at my party. I must harness his fractured take on modern life. SMITHERS Fine, sir. I'll get him started on some snappy Sinbad-esque material. Back at home, Homer writes his comedy act. HOMER (chuckling) Hee hee hee, I'm so funny. This is gonna be great! MARGE What are you doing? HOMER I'm writing a delicious send-up of Mr. Burns for his birthday party. Is poopoo one word or two? Homer & Bart laugh. MARGE I don't think it's a good idea to humiliate your boss on his birthday. LISA Actually, Mom, a tweaking of Mr. Burns's foibles, if done with the greatest of care, could earn Dad a special place in the old man's heart. HOMER Well, I also do a delightful impression of him. (Chuckles) I paint a frowny face on my bu*t and pull down my pants! Bart laughs and gives Homer a high-five. Marge and Lisa groan. It's Burns's birthday. Homer practices his comedy act in front of the mirror. HOMER Now, I'm not saying Mr. Burns is incontinent... BART Incontinent! (laughs) Too rich! LISA Does either of you know what incontinent means? HOMER Lisa, don't spoil our fun. MARGE Come on, everybody, it's time to go. HOMER Okay, stupid! MARGE Homer, you've got to stop insulting everyone, especially your boss! HOMER Marge, the comedy roast is an American tradition. It's what gives us the freedom to criticize our social betters. (outside) Hey Flanders! You smell like manure! FLANDERS Uh oh. Better cancel that dinner party tonight. Thanks for the nose news, neighbor! At the party, the guests enter. Former President George Bush is pulled aside by one of the guards. GUARD Hey! No one-termers. Bush is pushed aside. Jimmy Carter has also been refused entry. CARTER You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place. BUSH Get away from me, loser. Inside Burns's mansion. Smithers introduces the party. SMITHERS Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Montgomery Burns: the life. He shows some slides from Mr. Burns's life. A slide showing Burns with Bobo comes up. BURNS Oh, Bobo... SMITHERS Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones! BURNS Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves. RAMONE #1 I'd just like to say this gig s**s! RAMONE #2 Hey, up yours, Springfield. RAMONE #1 One, two, three, four! (loud guitar music begins) Happy birthday to you! RAMONE #2 (backing) Happy birthday! RAMONE #1 Happy birthday to you! RAMONE #2 (backing) Happy birthday! RAMONE #1 Happy birthday, Burnsie, happy birthday to you! RAMONE #3 Go to hell, you old ba*tard! The song finishes and the curtain closes. RAMONE #4 Hey, I think they liked us. BURNS Have the Rolling Stones k**ed. SMITHERS But sir, those aren't the--- BURNS Do as I say! Burns opens his presents. BURNS Uh, stink, piffle . . . Dust Buster? Ugh . . . Marge groans. Smithers brings a TV screen into view. SMITHERS Sir, I've arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There's a satellite hookup on that monitor if you'll just turn your head slightly. BURNS Bah! No time! Next! SMITHERS I have some sad news to report. A small puppy, not unlike La**ie, was just run over in the parking lot. (audience gasp) And now it's time for the comedy stylings of Homer Simpson! Homer comes on stage. HOMER (loudly) Are you ready to laugh? MAN Poor dog. HOMER (loudly) I said, are you ready to laugh? WOMAN Quiet, you awful man! HOMER You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap! BURNS What? HOMER I mean, y'know, Mr. Burns is so old! BURNS How dare you! HOMER (to himself) Whoo, tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns. (to audience) Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find a little . . . cheeky! He turns round, bends over and drops his pants to reveal a face painted on his bu*t. He wiggles his bu*t to the crowd. HOMER (mimicking) I'm Mr. Burns! Blah blah blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah blah! Do this, do that, blah blah blah! BURNS Destroy him. Several guards approach him, wielding clubs. HOMER Bla bla bla---(a guard hits him) Ow! BURNS This party is over! A riot squad enters the room and causes chaos. Back at the Simpsons' home. Homer has a lump on his head. HOMER Oh, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare bu*t in public again. LISA I'd like to believe that this time, I really would. MARGE Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father's head. BART Yes'm. (He turns to Homer) Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please don't deny the world your fat can. HOMER Don't worry boy, she'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday. LISA I knew it... At Burns's mansion, Smithers tries to comfort Burns. SMITHERS Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: King Arthur's Excalibur; the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain; and that rare first draft of the constitution with the word "s**ers" in it. BURNS Yes yes yes, so what? SMITHERS You want your Bobo, don't you? BURNS Liar! I'll give you the thrashing of a lifetime! (He tries, but is too feeble.) Resistance is futile! (He falls into Smithers arms.) Oh God, how I want my bear. But he's gone, gone forever. I'd give anything to know what happened to him. The next few scenes follow Bobo's journey. The bear remains in the snow where it was dropped. When the snow melts, the bear is swept into the river. It is picked up in 1927 by a man who gives it to Charles Lindberg. MAN Why, put some grease in your garter, Lindy, you're late! Lindberg flies off in a plane. He pa**es over Germany where a young Adolf Hitler catches Bobo as it falls. Later, in 1947, Hitler is in a bunker, while Germany is being bombed. He picks up the bear. HITLER This is all your fault! He throws the bear outside. Next we see it in 1957, atop a submarine about to dive. Bobo becomes frozen in a block of ice, and is dug up in the Arctic in the present day. He is packed into a bag of ice, and put in a van. The van then arrives at the Kwik-E-Mart, and the men unload the bags of ice. MAN You've gotta start selling this for more than a dollar a bag. We lost four more men on this expedition. APU If you can think of a better way to get ice, I'd like to hear it. The men chatter, unable to think of one. MAN Beats me. Bart picks up a bag. BART Hey Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it. APU Ooh, a head bag! Those are choc-full of... heady goodness! Bart opens the bag back at home and pulls out Bobo. BART Hey, it's a teddy bear. Ugh, gross, it's probably diseased or something. Here Maggie. He gives the bear to Maggie. A close up of the bear shows a "100% COTTON" label, and then a label marked "Bobo". ACT TWO At Burns's mansion, Smithers enters wearing a bear costume. SMITHERS Here's something that should cheer you up, sir. It's me sir, Bobo! (He sits on Burns's lap) Hug me, squeeze me, tug at my fur! BURNS (pushes him off) Ugh, enough! Stop this grotesque charade. Now find my teddy! (as Smithers leaves) Oh and, er, leave the costume. Kent Brockman delivers the news. Homer watches, while Maggie plays with Bobo in front of him. KENT BROCKMAN The Burns bear, perhaps the most valuable widdle bear in the world, could be anywhere. It could be in your house... You could be looking at it right now. (Maggie holds up the bear) It could be right in front of your face as I'm saying this, waggling back and forth, perhaps being held up by a loved one. HOMER Maggie, I'm trying to watch TV. Put that moldy old bear down. (he gasps) Moldy? Old? I'm gonna get something to eat! Professor Frink has invented a robot bear for Mr. Burns. FRINK Well, it's not your original bear, of course, ng-hee, but it is programmed to be just as cuddly. He turns it on using a remote control, but the bear seems to be evil. It grabs Burns. FRINK (messing with remote) Doggone it. It's supposed to be doing a little dance... SMITHERS I got it! He smashes a chair over the bear's head. FRINK I'll try to turn it off... BEAR No, bear want to live! Aah! The bear breaks through the wall to Burns's mansion. While Lisa meditates to sea music in the living room, Maggie places the bear behind the fish tank. Bart knocks over a lamp which shines eerily onto the tank. At the top of the stairs, Homer trips on Bart's skateboard and falls down the stairs, hitting his head several times on the way down. HOMER Ah! D'oh! Ow! Son of a... D'oh! Stupid... stair! Upon reaching the bottom, he notices the fish tank. HOMER (gasp) How long have we had these fish? (gasp) Wait, it's a bear... Burns's bear! The family sit round the kitchen table with the bear. Lisa checks the label. LISA Bobo. It's Mr. Burns's bear all right. HOMER Well Burns isn't getting this back cheap. He's gonna have to give me... my own recording studio. He imagines himself singing with a bra** ensemble. HOMER Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame-seed bun... (starts to drool) oh... TECHNICIAN Homer, you're drooling on the mike again. Back to reality, and Homer is still drooling. LISA I think we should just give him the bear he cherishes so much. Homer and Bart burst out laughing. Marge inspects the bear. MARGE Hmm... better sew that eye back on. BART No, let's send Burns the eye in the mail. He'll pay more money if he thinks the bear's in danger. HOMER (in a trance) Yes, we'll send the eye. MARGE I'm sure he'll offer us a fair reward. (pause) And then we'll make him double it! FAMILY Huh? MARGE Well why can't I be greedy once in a while? Homer takes the bear to Mr. Burns. BURNS Bobo, my beautiful Bobo. I promise I'll never leave you behind again. (Homer coughs) Ah, yes. Er, naturally I can't pay you much of a reward because I'm strapped for cash. The ceiling collapses, covering him in gold coins and j**els. BURNS As you can see, this old place is falling apart. But, I'm sure we can come to an understanding. HOMER Yes, sir. (pan up to his brain) Reject the first offer. Reject the first offer. BURNS May I offer you a drink? HOMER Sorry, Burns, no deal! Homer takes the bear and leaves. BURNS Don't worry Smithers. He's playing hardball now, but it won't take him long to crack. Homer is sat at home. A cracking noise is heard, and Homer lunges for the phone. HOMER I gotta call Burns, I gotta call Burns! Maybe I can still get that drink! BART (putting the phone down) Dad, the longer he has to wait, the more he'll pay. HOMER Right, that makes sense. He suddenly dives onto the phone and tries to dial, but the whole family, including the pets, pull him back. A knock is heard at the door. Homer answers with the family still holding onto him. It's Burns.<,i> HOMER I knew you'd come crawling back. BURNS (inside) How much do you want? HOMER A million dollars and three Hawaiian islands. Good ones, not the leper one. BURNS Done! Now give me that bear! HOMER Woohoo! I'm rich! Rich I tells ya! Here you go! Homer tries to pick up the bear, but Maggie is holding onto it. HOMER (struggling) It seems to be caught on something... Bad baby! Bad Maggie! He finally wrestles it out of Maggie grasp, but she starts crying. Homer is unsure what to do. BURNS Give me the bear! SMITHERS The bear! The bear! Homer gives the bear back to Maggie. HOMER Here you go, Maggie. The deal's off, Mr. Burns. The bear stays here. BURNS You've made a mistake, Simpson! Smithers growls as they both leave. HOMER Big deal! Who needs his money? We're getting along fine. Suddenly, Abe crashes a car through the wall of the Simpsons' home. ABE Son, you gotta help me! I hit three people on the way over here, and I don't have any insurance! (pause) So, how's my Ute? ACT THREE It is night-time. Burns and Smithers stand atop Flanders' roof, dressed in black. Smithers shoots an arrow attached to a wire onto the Simpsons' roof. BURNS Excellent shot, Smithers. I'll be squeezing my Bobo in no time. Flanders pops his head out of the attic window. FLANDERS Howdy, gents, what can I diddily-do ya for? Burns sprays something in his face, and he faints. BURNS Remember Smithers. In and out in eighteen seconds. They slide down the wire, but get stuck in the middle. They stay there until morning when the firemen rescue them. Burns is sitting in an ambulance, wrapped in a blanket. MARGE More cocoa, Mr. Burns? BURNS Yes. The next night. Burns and Smithers get into the house, and crawl along the ceiling using suction pads. They are halfway across the kitchen when Homer, half asleep and in his underwear, enters and takes some cheese out of the fridge. He sits down at the table. HOMER Mmm... sixty four slices of American cheese. (starts eating them) Sixty four... sixty three... Fade to morning, and he is struggling to finish. HOMER Two... One... MARGE (entering) Homer, have you been up all night eating cheese? HOMER I think I'm blind. Burns and Smithers lose suction in their pads and fall to the floor. They get up quickly and brush themselves off. HOMER Wha? BURNS Good day to you. (exit) At work the next day, fellow workmates gather round him. MAN 1 Excuse me, we wanted to see the geek who valued the happiness of his children more than money. HOMER (bored) Right here. MAN 2 Aw, you said his head was the size of a baseball. HOMER Oh, my life can't get any worse. SMITHERS (over the tannoy) Homer Simpson, report for much worse duties. HOMER D'oh! Homer's "much worse" duty consists of him walking in a circle in the basement, turning a large gear, while being whipped by an executioner. HOMER (whip) Ow! (whip) D'oh! After lunch, can I whip you? EXECUTIONER No. HOMER Oh, no fair.(whip) Ow! The view pans up a long way to the cafeteria, where Homer's efforts simply rotate a display of cakes. Lenny and Carl pa** by. LENNY Mmm, I wonder what makes it turn. CARL Who cares? Back at home again. Homer tries to coax the bear away from Maggie. HOMER Maggie, I know you like the bear, but wouldn't you be just as happy playing with... (looks around, and picks up a cardboard box) this box! (plays with it) See Maggie? See the fun box? Do-do-do-do-do-do! Maggie reaches for the box. HOMER No! My box! My box! He runs to the other side of the room and plays by himself. Later in the bedroom, Marge enters from the en suite, her hair in a mess. MARGE Mmm, I think we need a new hairdryer. HOMER Marge, you must hate me for not taking Mr. Burns's money. MARGE I don't hate you, I'm proud of you! You came through for your daughter when she needed you the most. HOMER Aw, thanks Marge. But it'll take a lot more than that to comfort this tortured sole. (he picks up his box) Hee boxy! MARGE (snatching the box) Gimme that! HOMER Aw... Homer watches Barney the Dinosaur on TV. BARNEY Two plus two is four, two plus two is four, two plus two is four... HOMER (chuckling) I can see why this show is so popular. Look at him. Heh. Suddenly, the program is cut off and Mr. Burns appears on screen. BURNS Give me my bear, Simpson! HOMER Aah! He changes channels. TV PRESENTER It's the sooooouuuul ma** transit system! Burns rushes on screen, panting. BURNS (out of breath) Give it to me! Homer changes channel again. This time the Spanish Bee is playing with an oversized yoyo. SPANISH BEE Ay, el yoyo is grande! Burns runs on screen and pushes the bee out of the way. SPANISH BEE Ay, chihuahua! BURNS As you can see, Simpson, I have taken over all 78 channels. And you won't see any of your favorite shows again until you give in. OTTO (driving the bus and watching TV) Whoa, that bites. PATTY (gasp) Holy crap! BURNS What's that you say? You can live without television so long as you have beer? HOMER That's right. BURNS Wrong. All beer trucks heading towards Springfield have been diverted. This town will be as dry as a bone. And if the rest of you beer-swilling tube-jockeys out there have a problem with this, talk to Homer Simpson. (laughs evilly) The doorbell then rings. It is Barney. He points a gun at Homer. BARNEY Homer, give him what he wants! HOMER Oh Barney, leave me alone! He slams the door in Barney's face. BARNEY Whoops! He is heard falling backwards. A shot is fired, smashing gla** is heard, then a woman screaming, then a police siren. BARNEY Uh-oh. Bart is at school, surrounded by bullies. NELSON My old man can't get a beer because his old man won't give a bear to another old man. Let's get him! JIMBO Wait! Why are we gettin' him? MARTIN (coming into the shot) Look, fellas. The first snapdragon of the season! NELSON Never mind. Let's just get him! JIMBO Yeah! They chase after Martin, knocking Bart over as they run. A sitcom starring Burns and Smithers is on TV. Burns enters a house BURNS Smithers, I'm home! (canned laughter) SMITHERS What, already? (more laughter) BURNS Yes! (louder laughing) LISA Is it my imagination, or is TV getting worse. HOMER Eh, it's about the same. Uh-oh! Look out Smithers! The sound of smashing gla** can be heard, along with more canned laughter. Homer laughs. HOMER Heh heh. I love this show. An angry mob appear outside the Simpsons' front window. HOMER Well, well, look who's come to apologize. MOE (outside) Come on, let's go in there and get the bear! The crowd cheers and storms the house. MOE Ha! Got it! Moe takes Bobo from Maggie and it is pa**ed towards the door. The mob starts to leave, but see Maggie crying. MOE Aw jeez, would you look at that. JASPER What have we become? DR. HIBBERT We've given the word "mob" a bad name. They pa** the bear back, and go outside. MOE Well, what should we do now? SKINNER Hey everyone! Let's go sing at the hospital! The crowd cheers and walks off, singing. CROWD For we've got high hopes, We've got high hopes... Later. The doorbell rings. It is Mr. Burns. BURNS Simpson, look what you've reduced me to. He clicks his fingers, and Smithers enters on his knees, begging. SMITHERS Please! Please! HOMER But Mr. Burns, it's not my bear, it's Maggie's. Burns goes to the back garden, where Maggie is playing in the sandpit. Maggie instinctively grabs Bobo. BURNS So, good sand today, hmm? (Maggie offers him her pacifier) Oh, well, I don't usually, but... As he puts it in his mouth, a photographer appears on the other side of the fence and takes a photo. BURNS Damn you paparazzo! (He throws the pacifier down.) Well, Maggie, I've given this a lot of thought. I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement-- He suddenly lunges for the bear, but is too weak to take it from Maggie. BURNS Beaten by an infant... what could be more humiliating? PHOTOGRAPHER (takes a photo) What a scoop! BURNS Okay, Maggie, you win. But I want you to do something for me. Hang onto that bear. Don't make the same mistake I made. He sighs, then gets up and walks away. He doesn't get very far when Maggie offers him Bobo back. BURNS For me? Bobo? Smithers, I'm so happy. Something amazing has happened, I'm actually happy. Take a note! From now on, I'm only going to be good and kind to everyone. SMITHERS I'm sorry sir, I don't have a pencil. BURNS Oh, don't worry, I'm sure I'll remember it. The family watch Burns and Smithers walk off. HOMER Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? MARGE It's an ending, that's enough. Smithers tucks Mr. Burns into bed. SMITHERS There you go. BURNS Ah, Bobo, reunited at last. But I can't help but wonder what the future holds for you. (yawning) Ah yes, wonder... He falls asleep. In his dream, the year is 1,000,000 A.D., and apes are using several Homers as slaves, whipping them as they pull carts. HOMER SLAVES D'oh! D'oh! Some apes dig up a pile of rocks, under which is Bobo. A robotic arm takes the bear, which is revealed to be Mr. Burns's head in a jar, with a robot body. BURNS ROBOT Bobo, I know I say this every century, but I'll never leave you behind again. He runs off into the distance, and is followed by Smithers as a robot dog. SMITHERS ROBOT Wait for me, sir! Woof! Fade to credits.