John Mulaney - Delta Airlines lyrics

I will tolerate any treatment. Like I travel alone sometimes, and I'll put up with anything. I'll book a ticket on some garbage airline - You know, I don't wanna name an actual airline so let's just make one up; let's call it "Delta Airlines." So I'll book a ticket on "Delta Airlines" and I'll show up at the airport and I'll go, "Can I get on the plane now, please?" And they go, "No. It's delayed nine hours." And I go, "Okaaay!" And then I go to the bathroom. And then I come out of the bathroom and I go, "Any updates?" and they go "Yeah, we took off while you were in the bathroom. Because we hate you. Now take this meal voucher that doesn't work, go fetch!" And I go "Okaaay!" and I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express and go, "Can I have a sandwich please?" and they go "NO!" And I go "Okaaay!" And they go, "You"re a little fat girl, aren"t you?" And I go "Nooo," and they go "SAY IT!" and I go “I'm a little fat girl." And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?" and they go "No! In fact, we"re gonna frame you for murder! And you"re gonna go to jail for thirty years!" And I go "Why are you doing this to me?!" And they go, "Because we're Delta Airlines, and life is a f**ing nightmare!"