John Landis - Fistful of Yen lyrics

Three days ago, Russian intelligence sent up this photograph, clearly at least a thirty megaton nuclear blast. First reports from CIA linked it with the red Chinese. However, Radio Peking denied the allegation. These are the Hartz mountains of Asia. A terrain so rugged, so traitorous, no country will claim it. Worse than Detroit? I am afraid so. Here, doctor Klahn has built his fortress. Klahn? Yes. Klahn has been connected with every sort of nefarious activity: opium, weapons trafficking, a**a**ination, motion picture distribution... And global extortion. Precisely. Klahn has kidnapped the famous Chinese nuclear physicist Ada Gronik. And attends to use her knowledge of atomic devices to create a practical detonator, with which he will then threaten the world. This is Butkus. Klahn's bodyguard. He is tough and ruthless. Here is Kwong, Klahn's chauffeur. He is rough and toothless. We need someone to find an uncharted mountain, defeat an army of k**ers and come back with Ada Gronik. I know just the man. I hope you were paying attention. Kick me. What was that? This is not a charade. We need total concentration. Now, once again. This time, with feeling. Better. My government is prepared to offer you 50,000 pounds, to join Klahn's army as our agent. I'm afraid you underestimated me, Mr. Pennington. Your people and mine, have different values. Mr. Loo, you must understand that the survival of the free world is at stake. You must understand, Mr. Pennington, geographical boundaries are of no significance to me. I owe my allegiance to a higher source. But you'll have the chance to k** fifty or sixty people. Hello. My name is Ming Chow. You are joining a noble leader. Gentlemen, welcome. We are honored to have you among us. We are building a fighting force of an extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude. ADA, I HAVE COME TO RESCUE YOU Now, bring me the prisoners! [decapitates prisoner] Now, take him to be tortured. And as for my American friend, the CIA thinks he can infiltrate the mountain of doctor Klahn? You can't scare me, you slant-eyed yellow ba*tard! Take him to Detroit. No! Not Detroit! Please! Anything but that. This way, gentlemen. I'll show you to your rooms. Hello, this is doctor Klahn. I'm not home right now. Leave me a message when you hear the beep. You have our gratitude. Come in. I have come to rescue you. Where do you come from? Pennington... SHHHH! How was your trip to the mountains, Mr. Loo? It was a very pleasant journey. You are fortunated. The seas can be very stormy this time of year. I hope your accomodations are to your liking. Doctor Klahn has a great sense of hospitality. Have you ever been in a martial arts army like this? Not for quite some time. I am sure you'll find the caliber of men here among the finest in the world. We're building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. You honor our mountains. We forge our spirits in the tradition of our ancestors. The guards will have to be bribed. We need money. We can waste some money, thats no problem. But it would be wrong! What was that? This is not a charade. We need total concentration. Try again. I brought you a present. Take your pick. If you don't see anything you like... And if you follow me, we are now entering the Haybrick wing, where the opium goes through it's final processing prior to packaging and world wide distribution. We manufacture enough h**ne to supply one fourth of the world's addicts. The tanks to your left, stores our biological chemicals for germ warfare. Their capacity is of 4,000 cubic liters. To my right, is the atomic detonator, with which the Dr Kahn intends to threaten the entire world. Are there any questions? No? Good. Follow me. We remind you to stay near the white line, and not using flash bulbs. Guard 1: "A toy robot!" [screaming and gla** shattering] Guard 2: "A toy robot?" Toy robot: "Eat lead, s**er!" [gunfire] [honking klaxon guard and Loo fighting guards] [fighting force of extraordinary magnitude fighting and training] You have my gratitude. You are a man of an extraordinary magnitude. Come in. Your technique is only surpa**ed by your courage, Mr. Loo. A magnificent display of sk**. I am flattered by your curiosity. Evidently, you are anxious to see my operation. And who are they? Refuse, found in waterfront bars. Shanghaied? Just lost drunken men who don't know where they are, and no longer care. Where are we? I don't care. And these? These are lost drunken men who don't know where they are, but do care. And these are men who know where they are and care, but don't drink. Where am I? I don't know who I am! Yeah. And I don't drink. Guards! - Do you care? - No. Put this man in cell number one, and give him a drink. - What do you drink? - I don't care. Gentlemen. Regrettably, we have discovered among us am unfriendly visitor. Mr. Loo will be punished for his treason. But that is not important right now. What is important, is that my guards have accepted bribes and failed their duties. Now, they must prove themselves worthy to remain among us. Let us meet our guards. Guard number one is a senior on Klahn's mountain and aspires to be a research chemist. Welcome, please, Hung Well! Guard number two is a real skating buff. A warm welcome for Long Wang! Traveling comes naturally to guard number three, as he's a licensed airplane pilot. Welcome, please, Enormous Genitals! Guard number one, you're out on your first date, it is too late to see a movie. What do you propose to do? Well... First, we walk on the beach to the moonlight. Then I play love songs on my guitar. And the next morning... Butkus! Guard number two, if I were asleep, and you were my alarm clock, how would you wake me up in the morning? I wouldn't. I'm no ding-a-ling. Butkus! How about you, number three? The same question? We're building a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We forge our spirits in the same tradition as our ancestors. Dr. Klahn is magnificent leader. He has our gratitude. Let's give Dr. Klahn a great big hand! Butkus! Are you ready for this mornings exercise, Mr. Loo? Butkus! Dr. Klahn: "No! No! Not water! Ahhh! Whaaaa! Ahhhhh!" [water splashing] "Oooh! I'm melting, I'm melting! What a world, what a world! This was a fighting force extra-ordinary magnitude!" Pennington: " Congratulations, Mr. Loo. Your mission is a complete success. Since you are responsible for the d**h of Dr. Klahn, you may a**ume the rights to the fortress and all it's riches." Loo: "Thank you, Mr. Pennington, but all I want to do right now is to go back home, back to Kansas." Pennington: "But my dear fellow, you've had the power to go back home all along." Loo: "I have?" Pennington: "All you have to do is click your heels together three times and say 'there's no place like home'." Loo:"There's no place like home... There's no place like home... There's no place like home... There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home." Auntie Em: "Loo, wake up." Auntie Em! Toto! I'm home at last. You must have had a bad dream. No, I was there. Where were you? On this terrible mountain ruled by the evil Dr. Klahn. And there were prisoners, and... Jake was there and... Slim, and Ben. Maybe it was just a dream. And quite a nasty one, young feller! A dream of extraordinary magnitude. - It sure was real. - I know, dear. But what have you learned from all of this? Well, you can search all over for happiness, but there's no need to look any further than your own front door. There are plenty of things you can do in your own community. To visit a dairy and find out how milk is handled and prepared for delivery. Or plant a series of window displays on home safety. Or help start a library. To discuss with your dentist how to make your teeth more attractive.