Joe Horne - The Itis lyrics
Add the butter
Add the bacon Chicken
Add the fish
Riley, get the door
Granddad, is this the broccoli I bought at the store today?
Yep, I cooked it up for you
Oh, you cooked it with the ham!
It's pork-flavored broccoli
Granddad, there's more pork in the pork-flavored broccoli than there is broccoli
We talked about this
Vegetables cooked with pork counts as pork
Hey, Do I smell pork-flavored broccoli?
I brought peach cobbler
Eeeew, Miss Dubois, your peach cobbler look like throw up
It do! Look!
It look like throw up with peas in it
Miss Dubois, you been eatin' peas?
Boy, what is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with her?
She the one who brought vomit over here in a Tupperware container
That is not vomit! It just look like vomit
Now apologize to Miss Dubois
Um, I-it- It's okay
Miss Dubois, I'm sorry your peach cobbler look like vomit with peas
Damn it, boy!
We don't have to...
I don't care if you beat me, Granddad
I won't eat it!
That is disgustin'!
It's completely uncalled for!
You'll eat it if I have to shove it down your throat!
Really, I didn't mean for it to be...
I-I know what you tryin' to do!
You tryin' to kill me!
I hate you!
You are gonna eat that cobbler!
And you're gonna act like you like it!
I don't wanna eat the cobbler!
Best meal I've had in years, Robert
What's this called?
I call it Granddad's pork swine delight
It consists of two pig knuckles glazed in honey
Pig tongue marinated in butter for two days
Chitlins, That's pig intestines for y'all that don't know
-soaked in hot sauce, drizzled with mayonnaise, and then set to harden on my back porch in 3 pounds of cheddar cheese
Mommy? I'm sleepy
Oh, don't worry about that, little baby
That's just "the itis"
That's what you call it when you get sleepy after a big meal
You know, Robert, I own a little health food spot near Meadowlark Park
Great location, but the food tastes like hot armpit on wheat bread
I've been thinking about making a change
My own restaurant
Uh That's a great idea, Robert
You know what's even a better idea is a lounge singer
I sing, Robert
I could I could sing to the people while they...
It should have beds instead of tables -so after people eat, they could just pass out
We should get together tomorrow and talk
My own r-restra ...
Huey, you handle the dishes
I'm telling you, Robert, this is the best location in Woodcrest
I own all the businesses on this block
Everything except Meadowlark Memorial Park
I've been trying to buy that park for years, but the state is trying to buttfuck me on the price
But we'll see who buttfucks who
I didn't know Meadowlark Lemon died
Who's Meadowlark Lemon?
I found that the whole health-food thing attracts the wrong kind of crowd
Hello, Mr. Wuncler
Cutie pie, hello
Excuse me, gentlemen
Would you like to sign our petition to get more humane treatment for immigrant workers?
[Ed Wuncler] If you don't get that bullshit out of my face bitch
Chico take an order
Ah, sí, señor
Seventeen pigs, one and a half tons of grease
Sound like a good start?
I need to be thinking urban
The black thing
That's what's happening now with the kids
Everyone, listen up
I'd like to introduce you to my new partner, Robert Free-man
We're going to be opening a soul-food restaurant together
Hey, all right
Oh, soul food!
Okay, so you are all fired
Everyone else, I hate your kind
Never come back
This is gonna be great
Uh, Señor Wuncler
Are we fired too?
Not the Mexicans
I'm half Mexican
Not the illegal Mexicans
I present to you "The Luther
A full-pound burger patty covered in cheese, grilled onion, five strips of bacon, all sandwiched between
Two Krispy Kreme doughnuts
It's called the Luther because it was supposed to have been invented by Mr. Luther Vandross himself
Luther Vandross is dead
What's your point?
Is this one of your menus?
Sausage and waffle and fried chicken breakfast lasagna?
Bacon-wrapped chitlin-stuffed catfish?
Granddad, you can't serve this kind of food to people
It'll cause... death
This is what crack must feel like
Shame on you, Huey
Move out to the suburbs, and suddenly you too good for soul food
Perhaps you would enjoy a spot of cheese and a buttered scone, white boy
Boy, are you okay?
I'm sure it's just the itis, right?
That or insulin shock
Riley, wake up!
Yeah, I'm not sure yellin' at him is gonna help, Granddad
How do you not know CPR?
I tried to learn CPR, but they wouldn't let me
Cause I was black
Nowadays, y'all run around and learn CPR whenever y'all want to
Just go around savin' lives, resuscitatin' each other willy-nilly
But when I was a young man, it used to be against the law to teach colored folks CPR, okay?
Man, that's not true!
Granddad is that you?
Oh, boy, I thought we lost you there for a second
How was the Luther?
Best thing ever
Sounds like an endorsement to me
Now, look at y'all
Just purty as a couple can be
How many in your party?
And how long of a nap will you be takin'?
Well, we were thinking maybe 45 minutes
That's just great
Head on in
Tonight is pork-produced sushi
Hold on to your wasabi as we take you to a super-exclusive grand opening of The Itis!
A new place to see or be seen in Woodcrest
With the maître d' who might be causing all the ruckus, Uncle Ruckus
En français, my good man
That's Uncle "Rue-kue
I'm part French and Cherokee Indian, with just a splish-splash of Irish
I-I know Irish
Sometimes I drink Hennessy, and I make booty calls!
All right, Rue-Kue
What's Robert Freeman's secret?
Well, let me just say this here
If there's one thing that a colored man is good at, it's cookin' a pig
[Lyrics from: https:/lyrics.az/joe-horne/-/the-itis.html]
There you have it
That ain't to say a white man couldn't cook a pig better
His big brain just focused on more important things, like runnin' the world and spaceships
Ladies and gentlemen, oh, you're such a wonderful crowd
My name is Tommy D, hip-hop lounge singer, and I'll be providing your listening pleasure this evening
And right now, I'd like to slow it on down with my main man, Biz Markie
Make the music With your mouth, Biz
Make the music With your mouth, Biz
Excuse me, brother
Mind if I have a word with you about some of the so-called "food" you're servin' this evenin'
And here's the man himself
Robert, these two ladies wanted to meet the man behind The Itis
Hello there, cutie pie
Hi, My name is Janet, and I just can't begin to tell you how fantastic your food is
Oh, Thank you, kindly
Make the music With your Mouth Biz
Listen, I don't want to keep you, but I'm sure that you will be seeing a lot more of me
Bitches love free food, Robert
Oh, my God!
Hey, where you goin'?
Bed four needs more bacon
What did you tell him?
What's behind your back?
Elijah Muhammad's "How to Eat to Live"
I knew it!
Just what joy do you get out of trying to crush all of my dreams, Huey?
Do you know how long I've wanted to own my own restaurant?
Three weeks, at Sunday dinner
That was the first time you mentioned it, and you only started doin' the stupid Sunday dinner thing because you saw Soul Food on cable
We're gonna pause this for the benefit of all y'all who never saw Soul Food
Soul Food is a movie about a big, humongous black grandmother, aptly named Big Mama
Big Mama demonstrates her love by feeding herself and her offspring enormous amounts of pig lard
Then- Get this
-Big Mama's arteries are so clogged, they gotta amputate her arm
It was her leg!
Then she dies of a heart attack
Or another stroke or somethin'
God called her home
And what does the family do after she dies?
They get together for a Sunday dinner and eat the same food that just killed Big Mama
The same food!
They didn't learn a lesson
Nobody went on a diet
And that's the end of the movie
Sunday dinners was my idea
They got that from me
Look, Ed, I'm sorry
We just lost a waiter, a-and
Well, I still have to replace that waiter
What people soon discovered was that Granddad's food was as addictive as it was tasty
The restaurant was booked solid around the clock
People started to show up late for work
Others stopped going to work altogether
Jobs were lost
The Itis addicts who couldn't afford the beds moved into Meadowlark Park
Without jobs, they turned to crime to feed their habit
A month after The Itis opened, Meadowlark Park had its first mugging
Give me that!
I've been mugged!
It took 3 hours for the police to arrive
This was officially a bad neighborhood
Straight outta the oven Made with nothin' But lovin'
Collard greens, corn bread Tater salad
Well, if it ain't homemade The dish is invalid
My uncle came through With the mail
A truckload of trout Fish fry on wheels
Enough chicken, enough drink Enough food
If you want it, if not We got that kid stuff too
Turn the music up Pass the hot sauce
We're tryin' to play Some spades
Hey, you got some cards?
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout
Now, we can get it crackin'
Oh, you Stay away from my food!
Don't damage the floor!
Hey, Granddaddy, it's me
We met on opening night
What happened to you?
Look, I was just wondering if I could get a quick Luther burger
Hey, come on, get off me!
Look, just one
What's wrong with you, woman?
Hey, get off my leg!
You got one in that bag, don't you?!
I'll do anything!
Then take the damn thing!
That was my dinner
Don't worry about last night
We'll get you some security
This ain't exactly the best neighborhood anymore, but we have a bigger problem
We're losing money because you're not getting these people out of here fast enough
Get your ass up, or pay for another hour in the bed!
Look like a bed just opened up
Check this out
I had Chico modify the bed like the Mexicans do with their cars
They call it "hydraulics
Um, this is my first time here, but all my friends rave about it
Oh, everything here will kill you
You wanna keep playin' around?
Now, you can wash the dishes
Granddad, look what you've done to this community
It's not that bad
Not that bad?
This place used to sit between a coffee shop and a day spa
Now, there's a liquor store and a damn Foot Locker
This food is destructive
This food is your culture
Then the culture is destructive
He's right, Señor Freeman
All African-American slaves had to eat was the parts of the pigs the slaves' masters wouldn't eat, but that was a survival technique, ese
They didn't really have a choice
I don't think people are supposed to eat this stuff
Or, at least, not so much
I can't take an Afro-American Studies class at the community college?
Well, nobody asked you, Chico
This is my restaurant, and we'll serve the food that I wanna serve, señor
Actually, it's my restaurant, and it's shutting down
It was fun while it lasted
But, uh, w-what happened?
Granddad learned white people had their own survival techniques
They call it litigation
Janet O'Siren had gone from this, to this and back to this, with the help of two liposuctions and emergency gastrointestinal surgery
We want half a million for medical bills and 4 million in emotional damages
We'll pay her insurance deductible
And, um- Ahem
-one last Luther burger
Wuncler feared it would be the first of many lawsuits against The Itis
Granddad's restaurant was no more
Mmm, mmm! Oh!
This isn't fair
The people liked this restaurant, and they liked me
I never wanted to hurt anybody
Janet, are you okay?
I think she's having a heart attack
I believe our business is done
Have a nice day
Call me later, Robert
Hello, My client's having a heart attack
They're not gonna come
Yes, We're on the corner of, um, uh, Cherry Street and- And Fifth
Right across from Meadowlark Park
Don't you know CPR?
I'm a lawyer
We don't help people
What about you guys?
Don't you know CPR?
So I told him, they wouldn't even teach black people CPR when I was young
We still do the Sunday dinners
I think Granddad just likes being popular
But we do switch up the menu from week to week
So, what happened?
Chico saved her
Eh, I took a class
And after this meal, nobody passed out
If you'll excuse me
Robert, may I use-?
Bathroom's upstairs, right?
Huey! Take care of the dishes, okay?
Don't anybody go in the bathroom for 35 or 45 minutes
Whew! Open the window!