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Joe Horne - The Itis lyrics

[Grandad]
Add the butter
Add the bacon Chicken
Too-ooh
Salt-ee-ooh
Add the fish
Sha-ba-dabba-doo
Ba-la-la-la-la-la
Buh-bo-ba-bidoo
Mmm-mmm-mmm? Mmm
Shibby-daba-doo-bee-bop Dee-da!
Shaba-daba-baba-bee-bee?
Riley, get the door

[Huey]
Granddad, is this the broccoli I bought at the store today?

[Grandad]
Yep, I cooked it up for you

[Huey]
Oh, you cooked it with the ham!

[Grandad]
It's pork-flavored broccoli

[Huey]
Granddad, there's more pork in the pork-flavored broccoli than there is broccoli
We talked about this
Vegetables cooked with pork counts as pork

[Tom]
Hey, Do I smell pork-flavored broccoli?

[Sarah]
Hey, everyone
Mwah
I brought peach cobbler

[Riley]
Eeeew, Miss Dubois, your peach cobbler look like throw up

[Grandad]
Boy!

[Riley]
It do! Look!
It look like throw up with peas in it
Miss Dubois, you been eatin' peas?

[Grandad]
Boy, what is wrong with you?

[Riley]
What's wrong with me?
What's wrong with her?
She the one who brought vomit over here in a Tupperware container

[Grandad]
That is not vomit! It just look like vomit
Now apologize to Miss Dubois

[Sarah]
Um, I-it- It's okay
Really

[Riley]
Fine
Miss Dubois, I'm sorry your peach cobbler look like vomit with peas

[Grandad]
Damn it, boy!

[Sarah]
Guys, please
We don't have to...

[Riley]
I don't care if you beat me, Granddad
I won't eat it!
That is disgustin'!
It's completely uncalled for!

[Grandad]
You'll eat it if I have to shove it down your throat!

[Sarah]
Really, I didn't mean for it to be...

[Riley]
I-I know what you tryin' to do!
You tryin' to kill me!
I hate you!

[Grandad]
You are gonna eat that cobbler!
And you're gonna act like you like it!

[Riley]
I don't wanna eat the cobbler!

[Ed Wuncler]
Best meal I've had in years, Robert
What's this called?

[Grandad]
I call it Granddad's pork swine delight
It consists of two pig knuckles glazed in honey
Pig tongue marinated in butter for two days
Chitlins, That's pig intestines for y'all that don't know
-soaked in hot sauce, drizzled with mayonnaise, and then set to harden on my back porch in 3 pounds of cheddar cheese

[Jazmine]
Mommy? I'm sleepy

[Grandad]
Oh, don't worry about that, little baby
That's just "the itis"

[Sarah]
The what?

[Grandad]
The itis
That's what you call it when you get sleepy after a big meal

[Ed Wuncler]
The itis?
You know, Robert, I own a little health food spot near Meadowlark Park
Great location, but the food tastes like hot armpit on wheat bread
I've been thinking about making a change
You interested?

[Grandad]
My own restaurant
Mm-hm

[Sarah]
Uh That's a great idea, Robert

[Tom]
You know what's even a better idea is a lounge singer
I sing, Robert
I could I could sing to the people while they...

[Riley]
It should have beds instead of tables -so after people eat, they could just pass out

[Grandad]
Good idea

[Ed Wuncler]
We should get together tomorrow and talk

[Grandad]
My own r-restra ...
Huey, you handle the dishes

[Ed Wuncler]
I'm telling you, Robert, this is the best location in Woodcrest
I own all the businesses on this block
Everything except Meadowlark Memorial Park
I've been trying to buy that park for years, but the state is trying to buttfuck me on the price
But we'll see who buttfucks who

[Grandad]
Wow
I didn't know Meadowlark Lemon died

[Ed Wuncler]
Who's Meadowlark Lemon?
I found that the whole health-food thing attracts the wrong kind of crowd

[Worker]
Hello, Mr. Wuncler

[Worker]
Hello

[Grandad]
Cutie pie, hello

[Lady]
Excuse me, gentlemen
Would you like to sign our petition to get more humane treatment for immigrant workers?

[Ed Wuncler] If you don't get that bullshit out of my face bitch
Chico take an order

[Chico]
Ah, sí, señor

[Ed Wuncler]
Seventeen pigs, one and a half tons of grease
Sound like a good start?

[Grandad]
Mm-hm

[Ed Wuncler]
I need to be thinking urban
More Negro
The black thing
That's what's happening now with the kids

[Grandad]
Mm-hm

[Ed Wuncler]
Everyone, listen up
I'd like to introduce you to my new partner, Robert Free-man
We're going to be opening a soul-food restaurant together

[Crowd]
Hey, all right
Oh, soul food!

[Ed Wuncler]
Okay, so you are all fired

[Crowd]
Ooh

[Ed Wuncler]
Everyone else, I hate your kind
Never come back
Congratulations, Robert
This is gonna be great

[Chico]
Uh, Señor Wuncler
Are we fired too?

[Ed Wuncler]
Not the Mexicans

[Lady]
I'm half Mexican

[Ed Wuncler]
Not the illegal Mexicans

[Mexicans]
¡Olé!

[Grandad]
Mm-hm
Mm-hm
I present to you "The Luther
A full-pound burger patty covered in cheese, grilled onion, five strips of bacon, all sandwiched between

[Riley]
Two doughnuts!

[Grandad]
Two Krispy Kreme doughnuts
It's called the Luther because it was supposed to have been invented by Mr. Luther Vandross himself

[Huey]
Luther Vandross is dead

[Grandad]
And?
What's your point?
Hm?

[Huey]
Is this one of your menus?
Sausage and waffle and fried chicken breakfast lasagna?

[Grandad]
Yep

[Huey]
Bacon-wrapped chitlin-stuffed catfish?
Granddad, you can't serve this kind of food to people
It'll cause... death

[Riley]
Whoa
This is what crack must feel like

[Grandad]
Shame on you, Huey
Move out to the suburbs, and suddenly you too good for soul food
Perhaps you would enjoy a spot of cheese and a buttered scone, white boy

Boy?
Boy, are you okay?
I'm sure it's just the itis, right?

[Huey]
That or insulin shock
Do CPR

[Grandad]
Riley, wake up!

[Huey]
Yeah, I'm not sure yellin' at him is gonna help, Granddad
How do you not know CPR?

[Grandad]
I tried to learn CPR, but they wouldn't let me
Cause I was black

[Huey]
What?
Nowadays, y'all run around and learn CPR whenever y'all want to
Just go around savin' lives, resuscitatin' each other willy-nilly
But when I was a young man, it used to be against the law to teach colored folks CPR, okay?

[Huey]
Man, that's not true!

[Riley]
Granddad is that you?

[Grandad]
Oh, boy, I thought we lost you there for a second
How was the Luther?

[Riley]
Best thing ever
Sounds like an endorsement to me

[Uncle Ruckus]
Now, look at y'all
Just purty as a couple can be
How many in your party?

[Couple]
Just us

[Uncle Ruckus]
And how long of a nap will you be takin'?

[Couple]
Well, we were thinking maybe 45 minutes

[Uncle Ruckus]
That's just great
Head on in

[Announcer]
Tonight is pork-produced sushi
Hold on to your wasabi as we take you to a super-exclusive grand opening of The Itis!
A new place to see or be seen in Woodcrest
With the maître d' who might be causing all the ruckus, Uncle Ruckus

[Uncle Ruckus]
En français, my good man
That's Uncle "Rue-kue
It's French
I'm part French and Cherokee Indian, with just a splish-splash of Irish

[Announcer]
I-I know Irish
Sometimes I drink Hennessy, and I make booty calls!
All right, Rue-Kue
What's Robert Freeman's secret?

[Uncle Ruckus]
Well, let me just say this here
If there's one thing that a colored man is good at, it's cookin' a pig
[Lyrics from: https:/lyrics.az/joe-horne/-/the-itis.html]

[Announcer]
There you have it

[Uncle Ruckus]
That ain't to say a white man couldn't cook a pig better
His big brain just focused on more important things, like runnin' the world and spaceships

[Tom]
Ladies and gentlemen, oh, you're such a wonderful crowd
My name is Tommy D, hip-hop lounge singer, and I'll be providing your listening pleasure this evening
And right now, I'd like to slow it on down with my main man, Biz Markie
Make the music With your mouth, Biz
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Make the music With your mouth, Biz

[Huey]
Excuse me, brother
Mind if I have a word with you about some of the so-called "food" you're servin' this evenin'

[Tom]
Ee-ooh-ah-ooh-ah!

[Ed Wuncler]
And here's the man himself
Robert, these two ladies wanted to meet the man behind The Itis

[Grandad]
Well!
Hello there, cutie pie

[Janet]
Hi, My name is Janet, and I just can't begin to tell you how fantastic your food is

[Huey]
Oh, Thank you, kindly

[Tom]
Make the music With your Mouth Biz
Yeah

[Janet]
Listen, I don't want to keep you, but I'm sure that you will be seeing a lot more of me

[Ed Wuncler]
Bitches love free food, Robert

[Waiter]
Oh, my God!

[Grandad]
Hey, where you goin'?
Bed four needs more bacon
What did you tell him?
What's behind your back?
Elijah Muhammad's "How to Eat to Live"
I knew it!
Just what joy do you get out of trying to crush all of my dreams, Huey?
Do you know how long I've wanted to own my own restaurant?

[Huey]
Three weeks, at Sunday dinner
That was the first time you mentioned it, and you only started doin' the stupid Sunday dinner thing because you saw Soul Food on cable
We're gonna pause this for the benefit of all y'all who never saw Soul Food
Soul Food is a movie about a big, humongous black grandmother, aptly named Big Mama
Big Mama demonstrates her love by feeding herself and her offspring enormous amounts of pig lard
Then- Get this
-Big Mama's arteries are so clogged, they gotta amputate her arm

[Grandad]
It was her leg!

[Huey]
Right
Okay, whatever
Leg
Then she dies of a heart attack
Or another stroke or somethin'

[Grandad]
God called her home

[Huey]
And what does the family do after she dies?
They get together for a Sunday dinner and eat the same food that just killed Big Mama
The same food!
They didn't learn a lesson
Nobody went on a diet
And that's the end of the movie

[Grandad]
Sunday dinners was my idea
They got that from me

[Ed Wuncler]
Something wrong?

[Grandad]
Look, Ed, I'm sorry
We just lost a waiter, a-and

[Ed Wuncler]
Robert, relax
Look around

[Grandad]
Well, I still have to replace that waiter

[Huey]
What people soon discovered was that Granddad's food was as addictive as it was tasty
The restaurant was booked solid around the clock
People started to show up late for work
Others stopped going to work altogether
Jobs were lost
The Itis addicts who couldn't afford the beds moved into Meadowlark Park
Without jobs, they turned to crime to feed their habit
A month after The Itis opened, Meadowlark Park had its first mugging

[Lady]
No, no!
Stop! Stop!
Give me that!
Hello?
I've been mugged!

[Huey]
It took 3 hours for the police to arrive
This was officially a bad neighborhood

[Song]
Straight outta the oven Made with nothin' But lovin'
Collard greens, corn bread Tater salad
Well, if it ain't homemade The dish is invalid
My uncle came through With the mail
A truckload of trout Fish fry on wheels
Enough chicken, enough drink Enough food
If you want it, if not We got that kid stuff too
Turn the music up Pass the hot sauce
We're tryin' to play Some spades
Hey, you got some cards?
That's what I'm talkin' 'bout
Now, we can get it crackin'

[Lady's Fighting]
Ow!
You bitch!
Oh, you Stay away from my food!

[Grandad]
Hey!
Don't damage the floor!

[Janet]
Hey, Granddaddy, it's me

[Grandad]
Hey!

[Janet]
Janet
We met on opening night

[Grandad]
Damn!
What happened to you?

[Janet]
Look, I was just wondering if I could get a quick Luther burger

[Grandad]
Hey, come on, get off me!

[Janet]
Please
Look, just one

[Grandad]
What's wrong with you, woman?
Hey, get off my leg!

[Janet]
You got one in that bag, don't you?!
Please, Granddaddy
I'll do anything!

[Grandad]
Then take the damn thing!
Damn!
That was my dinner

[Ed Wuncler]
Don't worry about last night
We'll get you some security
This ain't exactly the best neighborhood anymore, but we have a bigger problem
We're losing money because you're not getting these people out of here fast enough
Like him
Get your ass up, or pay for another hour in the bed!
Now!

[Man]
I can't

[Ed Wuncler]
Chico!

[Man]
Oh, God

[Uncle Ruckus]
Look like a bed just opened up

[Ed Wuncler]
Check this out
I had Chico modify the bed like the Mexicans do with their cars
They call it "hydraulics
Watch this

[Lady]
Let's see
Um, this is my first time here, but all my friends rave about it
What's good?

[Huey]
Oh, everything here will kill you
Run

[Grandad]
Fine
You wanna keep playin' around?
Now, you can wash the dishes

[Huey]
Granddad, look what you've done to this community

[Grandad]
It's not that bad

[Huey]
Not that bad?
This place used to sit between a coffee shop and a day spa
Now, there's a liquor store and a damn Foot Locker
This food is destructive

[Grandad]
This food is your culture

[Huey]
Then the culture is destructive

[Chico]
He's right, Señor Freeman
All African-American slaves had to eat was the parts of the pigs the slaves' masters wouldn't eat, but that was a survival technique, ese
They didn't really have a choice
I don't think people are supposed to eat this stuff
Or, at least, not so much
What?
I can't take an Afro-American Studies class at the community college?

[Grandad]
Well, nobody asked you, Chico
This is my restaurant, and we'll serve the food that I wanna serve, señor

[Ed Wuncler]
Actually, it's my restaurant, and it's shutting down
Sorry, Robert
It was fun while it lasted

[Grandad]
But, uh, w-what happened?

[Huey]
Granddad learned white people had their own survival techniques
They call it litigation
Janet O'Siren had gone from this, to this and back to this, with the help of two liposuctions and emergency gastrointestinal surgery

[Janet's Lawyer]
We want half a million for medical bills and 4 million in emotional damages

[Ed's Lawyer]
We'll pay her insurance deductible

[Janet]
Deal
And, um- Ahem
-one last Luther burger

[Ed Wuncler]
Chico!

[Huey]
Wuncler feared it would be the first of many lawsuits against The Itis
Granddad's restaurant was no more

[Janet]
Mmm, mmm! Oh!

[Grandad]
This isn't fair
The people liked this restaurant, and they liked me
I never wanted to hurt anybody

[Janet's Lawyer]
Janet, are you okay?
I think she's having a heart attack

[Ed Wuncler]
I believe our business is done
Have a nice day
Call me later, Robert

[Janet's Lwayer]
Hello, My client's having a heart attack

[Huey]
They're not gonna come

[Janet's Lawyer]
Yes, We're on the corner of, um, uh, Cherry Street and- And Fifth
Right across from Meadowlark Park
Hello?

[Huey]
Told you
Don't you know CPR?

[Janet's Lawyer]
I'm a lawyer
We don't help people
What about you guys?
Don't you know CPR?

[Grandad]
So I told him, they wouldn't even teach black people CPR when I was young

[Huey]
We still do the Sunday dinners
I think Granddad just likes being popular
But we do switch up the menu from week to week
It's somethin'

[Tom]
So, what happened?

[Grandad]
Chico saved her

[Chico]
Eh, I took a class

[Huey]
And after this meal, nobody passed out

[Grandad]
If you'll excuse me

[Tom]
Robert, may I use-?

[Ed Wuncler]
Bathroom's upstairs, right?

[Grandad]
Huey! Take care of the dishes, okay?
Don't anybody go in the bathroom for 35 or 45 minutes
Whew! Open the window!

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