Jason Webley - Do You Swear to Tell the Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing but The Truth so Help Your Black Ass lyrics

When I was six years old my sister Alyson Asked for a stove for her birthday A miniature one you could actually cook with And my mom was nice and she bought one Alyson needed a reason to bake something Barged in my room and she grabbed me She said: "I made a cake and we're going next door To Sam Weinstein's and you're getting married" The cake was burned It tasted gross She made me kiss him On the mouth Now I am 33 Unmarried happily No plans in life and I'm planning to keep it that way I do kissing with only one mission Do you like to kiss? Then you have my permission And I've already spent too much time Doing things I didn't want to So if I just want to make out all the time You can bet your black a** that I'm going to When I was nine I was kind of a loser The kids in my cla** didn't like me Melanie Chow was the meanest of all And my mom made me go to her party Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly Drawing with crayons on a napkin A picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork Her legs getting eaten by lions The cake was good I took some home I had a party In my room Now I have friends and I'm not such a loser But I go to bars all alone and I sit there And order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people Yes that's how I like it And I've already spent too much time Doing things I didn't want to So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine You can bet your black a** that I'm going to Yes I come here often Sure I'll have another one Yes I come here often Sure I'll have another one But I don't have to talk to you When I was 17 I was a bl**job queen Picking up tips from the masters I was so busy perfecting my art I was clueless to what they were after Now I'm still a bl**job queen, far more selectively I don't make love now to make people love me But I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet We're all gonna die and a bl**job's fantastic And When I was 25 I was a rock star But it didn't pay too well I had to strip on the side Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by Baby they'd never know What a bargain they'd gotten And if I'm forgotten I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened And I still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me And I've already spent too much time Doing things I didn't want to So if I want to drink alone dressed like a pirate Or look like a dyke Or wear high heels and lipstick Or hide in a convent Or try to be mayor Or marry a writer Smoke crack and slash tires Make jokes you don't like Or paint ducks and retire YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I'M GOING TO THAT'S RIGHT, b*tchES!