J. Michael Mendel - Homer's Enemy lyrics

ACT ONE Kent Brockman delivers the news. KENT (chuckling) ...which if true, means d**h for us all. And now, "Kent's People!" Tonight's inspiring story is about Frank Grimes, a thirty-five-year-old Springfieldianite who's earned everything the hard way, but never let adversity get him down. We see a young boy in the back seat of a car. KENT Abandoned by his parents at age four, Frank never got to go to school. In fact, Grimes is not in the car, he is stood behind as the car drives off. More pictures accompany the story. KENT He spent his childhood years as a delivery boy, delivering toys to more fortunate children. Then, on his eighteenth birthday, he was blown up in a silo explosion. We see Grimes running into a silo, which then explodes. Cut to Grimes in hospital, bandaged from head to toe. KENT During his long recuperation he taught himself to hear and feel pain again. As the years pa**ed, he used his few leisure moments each day to study science by mail. And, last week, Frank Grimes, the man who had to struggle for everything he ever got, received his correspondence school diploma in nuclear physics -- with a minor in determination. An eagle tries to take the diploma from Grimes, but he fights it off. We see Mr. Burns is watching the show. BURNS That's the kind of man I need on my team, Smithers. A real scrapper. A self-made man, like me. Bring this Grimes fellow to me. I want to make him my Executive Vice President. SMITHERS Yes, Sir. The next day, Burns watches television again. Smithers brings in Frank Grimes. BURNS Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my Executive Vice President. SMITHERS Uh, yes sir. In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes. (Burns stares blankly.) The self-made man? BURNS What? Oh, yes, that fellow. Mmm, put him somewhere out of the way, and find that dog! SMITHERS Yes sir. At his workstation, Homer is spinning around in his swivel chair. Lenny and Carl enter. HOMER Chair goes round, chair goes round. LENNY Hey Homie, you busy? HOMER Yes. CARL There's a new guy at the plant. Uh, maybe we oughta say hi to him. HOMER Oh, I don't know. I'm kinda dizzy. I should probably go home sick. In his office, Grimes arranges his belongings. Homer, Lenny, and Carl press their faces against the office window, then walk in. CARL You new? GRIMES Yes. My name is Frank Grimes. LENNY I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny. GRIMES How do you do. Homer picks up one of Grimes' pencils, spilling the rest of them on the desk. HOMER Wow, you've got pencils with your name on them, just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these. GRIMES (taking the pencil back) Any office supply company can have them made up for you. HOMER Can I have this one? GRIMES No. HOMER Can... (thinks) Lenny have it? GRIMES No. Lenny and Carl look at Grimes' diploma. GRIMES Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. LENNY Oh yeah, Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant. HOMER I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was. GRIMES (forced laugh) Uh, yeah. Well, listen, I'm sure, you all have a lot of work to do. Lenny and Carl shrug and leave. Grimes turns around, and sees Homer is still there. HOMER Hey, you seem like a great guy, so I'll give you a little tip. If you turn that security camera around, you can sleep and no one will ever know. GRIMES Uh, I don't think we're being paid to sleep. HOMER Oh yeah, they're always trying to screw ya. Homer leaves. Grimes shudders. At the DMV, Marge is trying to get a personalized licensed plate. Bart is with her, looking bored. MARGE Marge is already taken! How about Marjorie? CLERK Uh. Sorry ma'am. MARGE Mmm... how about Mitzy? CLERK Nuh-uh. Uh, you can have Nitzy. MARGE Hmm... Nitzy. BART I'm outta here. Bart leaves. He walks into an auction of Tax Seizures. AUCTIONEER Ladies and gentlemen, our next lot is number seven-fifty-one. How much am I bid for number seven-fifty-one? Seven-five-one. Nothing? No bids for item seven-fifty-one? BART A buck! AUCTIONEER I got a buck, I got a dollar here, one dollar there... (continues talking very quickly in typical auctioneer-style) Sold, for a buck. BART Cool, what'd I buy? AUCTIONEER 35 Industry Way. Bart turns up at the property, which is an old factory. BART Looks like my years of hard work have finally paid off. It is lunchtime at the power plant. Homer is in the canteen, when Grimes enters. HOMER Hiya Stretch, what's the good word? GRIMES My name is Grimes, uh, Simpson. Frank Grimes. I took the trouble to learn your name, so the least you could do is learn mine. HOMER Okay, Grimey. GRIMES Uh, you're eating my special diabetic lunch. HOMER Huh? (looks at the bag and chuckles) Oh, I'm sorry. GRIMES The bag was clearly marked. Please be more careful in the future. HOMER Check. Homer takes a few more bites before handing it back to Grimes. Grimes tosses the remainder in the trash and walks away. Homer reaches out to retrieve it, but stops and looks innocent when Grimes turns around to look. Grimes then returns to his office, where he finds his pencils have been chewed. GRIMES Simpson, do you know who chewed my-- He sees Homer chewing several, and using one to clean his ears. Grimes walks off, growling. Meanwhile, Bart looks round his factory. It is very big and empty. BART Wow. It's filthy, and it's mine, haha. Bart picks up a bolt and aims it towards a window on the far side of the room. It lands on the other side of the room. Bart then sees an old swivel chair, and a fire extinguisher. He wheels the chair into position, sits down, and uses the fire extinguisher to jet-propel himself across the factory floor and into the wall. BART Wheeeeeee! Back at the power plant, Homer enters Grimes' office. HOMER So, how's it going, Grimey? GRIMES I... I'd appreciate it if you'd stay out of my office, Simpson. HOMER (laughing) Wish I had a nickel every time I've heard that. Homer idly wanders around the office, whistling and making annoying sounds. HOMER (singing) Take me out to the ball-game, take me out to the ball... Ah, what's new, Grimey? Suddenly, an alarm goes off and lights flash in Homer's workstation next door. GRIMES Simpson, you've got a five-thirteen. Homer looks at his watch. GRIMES No, a five-thirteen. In your procedures manual... a five-thirteen? Homer looks at his watch again. GRIMES (pointing) Look at your control panel! HOMER (looks) Oh, a five THIR-teen. I'll handle it. Homer goes to his workstation, takes a bucket of water and pours it on the console. This shorts it out and silences the alarms HOMER That got it. Grimes looks on in disbelief. Bart sits in an office in his factory. Milhouse walks past. Bart leans out of the window and whistles to him. BART Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory? MILHOUSE You don't a have a factory! BART Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not? MILHOUSE Okay! Homer wolfs down his lunch. Grimes looks on in disbelief. GRIMES God, he eats like a pig. LENNY I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck. GRIMES Well, some kind of farm animal anyway. And earlier today, I saw him asleep inside a radiation suit. Heh, can you imagine that, he... he was hanging from a coat hook. LENNY He had three beers at lunch. That would make anybody sleepy. GRIMES I've never seen him do any work around here ... what, what is his job? LENNY Safety inspector. GRIMES That irresponsible oaf? A man who by all rights should have been k**ed dozens of times by now? LENNY Three hundred and sixteen times by my count. GRIMES That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It... it boggles the mind. CARL It's best not to think about it. Homer reaches out for a drink, but picks up a beaker of sulphuric acid. He is about to drink it when Grimes smashes it out of his hand and into a wall, causing the wall to dissolve. GRIMES Aah! You idiot! You nearly drank a beaker full of sulphuric acid! HOMER Acid, eh? Jeez, that would've been stupid! (laughs) Boy would my face have been red. (laughs more) GRIMES Stop laughing, you imbecile! Don't you realize how close you just came to k**ing yourself?! Mr. Burns and a dog, wearing a sash labeled "Executive Vice President" walk by. Burns sees the hole in the wall. BURNS Who did this to my wall? HOMER (pointing to Grimes) He did. BURNS Is this true? GRIMES Well, uh, technically it is true, sir, but-- BURNS Come with me. HOMER (whispering to Grimes) He likes you. Homer gives Grimes the thumbs up. Cut to outside Burn's office, where we hear the conversation. The dog barks. BURNS How dare you destroy my valuable wall! And spill my priceless acid! Did you really think you were going to get away with it? GRIMES I wasn't-- BURNS Silence! I am going to give you one more chance... at a reduced salary. So straighten up and fly right! GRIMES But sir if I c-- The dog barks again. Grimes confronts Homer at his work station. HOMER Hi Grimey, old buddy. GRIMES I'm not your buddy, Simpson. I don't like you. In fact, I hate you! Stay the hell away from me, because from now on, we're enemies! HOMER (quietly) Okay. Do I have to do anything? GRIMES Grrr! He shudders and leaves. ACT TWO Homer is at Moe's. HOMER Oh, I can't believe it, I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield. MOE Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither. HOMER No, I won't accept that. MOE Nah, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." Moe reaches under the bar and brings out a piece of paper. Barney reads it. BARNEY Jane Fonda, Daniel Shore, Jack Anderson... hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours. MOE Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. (writes on the paper) Barney Gumble. BARNEY Oh. HOMER Oh, what'll I do, Moe? MOE Uh, why don't you invite him over to dinner. Turn him from an enemy to a friend. Then when he's not expecting it... bam! The old fork in the eye. HOMER Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? MOE There's always a first time. At the Simpsons' home. The family are dressed up for dinner. HOMER This dinner has to go absolutely perfect if Grimey and me are going to be friends. (turns to Lisa) Lisa, be perfect. LISA Okay. HOMER (to Marge) Marge. Perfect. (to Bart) Bart. Perfect. (to Maggie) Other kid. Perfect. MARGE We only have 5 lobsters. Are you sure he's not bringing anyone with him? HOMER No. No. He doesn't know he's coming to dinner. I didn't think he'd come, so I called and said I had something really important to tell him and that I could only tell him about it here. The doorbell rings and Homer starts flailing his arms. HOMER It's him! It's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him, it's him it's him! MARGE Calm down, Homer! Calm down, answer the door. Homer answers the door. HOMER (nervously) Welcome to the Simpson residence or "casa de Simpson," as I call it, heh heh. GRIMES Yeah, what did you want to see me about, Simpson? This better be important. HOMER It is, it is, but first, let me introduce you to my family, my perfect family. This is my wife Marge... MARGE Hello. HOMER And our beautiful baby... (Maggie s**s her pacifier) ...my daughter Lisa, IQ a hundred and fifty six. LISA (curtsies) Hi. HOMER See? And my son Bart... (Bart winks) He owns a factory downtown. GRIMES How do you do. Uh, look Homer, I'm, I'm late for my night job at the foundry so if you don't mind telling me-- He stop as he notices the house. GRIMES Good Heavens! Th-this is a palace! How c-- how can, how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson? HOMER I dunno. Don't as me how the economy works. GRIMES Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I... I live in a single room above a bowling alley and (muttering) below another bowling alley. HOMER Wow! Grimes notices some pictures on the wall. GRIMES I'm sorry, isn't that-- HOMER Yes, that's me alright. And the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford. (pointing to the other photos) And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins. Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. GRIMES You? Went into outer space? You? HOMER Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award? (holds it up) GRIMES No! I wouldn't! God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase, and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance? HOMER What? GRIMES Everything! A dream house! Two cars! A beautiful wife! A son who owns a factory! Fancy clothes and (sniffs air) lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? No! HOMER (gasps) What are you saying? GRIMES I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, and you leech off of decent, hardworking people like me. Heh, if you lived in any other country in the world, you'd have starved to d**h long ago. BART He's got you there, dad. GRIMES You're a fraud. A-- a total fraud. (walks out, pokes his head back round the doorway, and speaks to Marge and the kids) It was nice meeting you. Grimes leaves again, slamming the front door. The next day, Bart and Milhouse are at the factory again. MILHOUSE Wow. Adding machines. Industrial waste. What should we do with all this stuff, Bart? BART I think we both know the answer to that. The boys throw the machines into a the barrels of industrial waste, and watch them dissolve. Later, Milhouse mops the floor. He pauses to wipe his brow. BART Get to work! Next, they stand atop a rickety staircase, rocking it. BART &MILHOUSE Wacky shack! MILHOUSE Better be careful, Bart. Look at those warning signs. He indicates some sign on the "Wacky Shack." Bart pulls them off and chucks them out the window. BART Solve your problem Milhouse? MILHOUSE Yep. Marge walks around the front of the house to find Homer sitting in his car on the driveway. She taps on the window. MARGE Homer? (taps again) Homer, why aren't you at work? HOMER The car won't start. I don't feel very good today. I am at work. MARGE You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren't you? HOMER That's crazy talk. You're crazy, Marge. Get off the road! He honks the horn. Marge gets in the car. MARGE You'll have to face him sometime, and when you do I'm sure he'll be just as anxious to make up as you are. HOMER No he won't, he hates me. MARGE He doesn't hate you. He just feels insecure because you're getting through life so easily, and it's been so difficult for him. HOMER Yeah, yeah, that's his problem, he's a nut! It's not about me being lazy, it's about him being a crazy nut. MARGE Well... maybe. But I bet he would be less crazy if you were just a little more, um, professional in your work. (Homer gasps) Just a little more! Then he won't have any reason to resent you. HOMER I'll do it! (pulls out a bottle of Duff) To professionalism! Homer drinks the whole bottle. At work, Homer eats donuts at his workstation... with a knife and fork. On his wall hangs a picture of him with the words: "Mr. Good Employee" on it. Grimes walks past. HOMER Good morning fellow employee. You'll notice that I am now a model worker. We should continue this conversation later during the designated break period. Sincerely, Homer Simpson. Grimes isn't impressed, and leaves. An alarm sounds at Homer's workstation. Grimes joins Lenny and Carl in the break room. GRIMES Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional. CARL Hey, what do you got against Homer, anyway? GRIMES Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where it can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. (points to a graph on the bulletin board) Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector, and, and meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. LENNY Eh, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils. CARL Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break. GRIMES No! Homer is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a six-year-old. LENNY (to Carl) So, how are you doing? Grimes begins to leave, but notices a poster on the bulletin board, advertising a children's contest to build the best model of a new power plant. GRIMES Oh, here we go. Grimes takes the notice to his office, where he carefully cuts away all references to this being a contest for kids. Then he places the notice at Homer's workstation. HOMER Oh. Design your own power planet, eh? This is my chance to show everyone how professional I am. (to a picture of Lenny on his desk) Lenny, tell Mr. burns I've gone home to work on the contest. As Homer gets into his car to leave, Grimes watches through an upstairs window, laughing. Homer backs into Grimes' car. GRIMES Oh god. ACT THREE At the Simpsons' home. We hear sounds of sawing, hammering, and Homer cussing from the basement. Lisa & Marge are in the kitchen. LISA Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing? MARGE I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some kind of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand. HOMER (opens basement door) Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles? At the factory, Milhouse pounds on a furnace. Bart pulls the traditional steam whistle, indicating the end of the working day, and Milhouse gets ready to leave. MILHOUSE Oh boy! Quittin' time! BART Just a minute, van Houten. Somebody needs to guard this place tonight so it doesn't get trashed. (handing him a cap and baton) How'd you like to be night watchman? MILHOUSE I'm sleepy. BART Ah, no problemo. Here's a nickel for the coffee machine. Bart gives him the money and leaves. Milhouse puts the nickel in the machine. It dispenses a cup, then a rat (which runs off), then some coffee. Milhouse drinks the coffee, and gazes around. MILHOUSE So this is my life. At least I've done better than Dad. The next day, Bart heads back to the factory, to find a huge pile of rubble on the spot. BART Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman. MILHOUSE I was watchin'. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over. BART Wow. I wonder where all the rats are gonna go? Dozens of rats run out from under the rubble and into Moe's Tavern. We hear Moe's voice from outside. MOE Okay, everybody tuck your pants into your socks. At the power plant, it's time for the model-building contest in the auditorium. Mr. Burns judges the models. BURNS (to the audience of workers) ...and the bold new ideas these tiny tykes unveil for us today could make thousands of jobs like yours... obsolete! There is some weak applause. SMITHERS Our first little genius is Ralph Wiggum. Ralph comes on stage with a modified Malibu Stacy Dream House. SMITHERS It's pretty good sir. BURNS Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant not Aunt Beulah's bordello. Thank you. Get out. Next! Ralph doesn't move. Chief Wiggum calls from off screen. WIGGUM Uh, Ralphie, get off the stage sweetheart! Ralph takes the doll house and leaves. Martin Prince is up next. MARTIN Behold, the power plant of the future, today! BURNS Yuck. Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart? MARTIN But it really generates power. It, it's lighting this room right now. He turns a knob, dimming the auditorium lights. BURNS You lose. Get off my property. Lets have the next child. Homer brings his model on stage. GRIMES (calling from the audience) Look everybody! Simpson's in a contest with children. LENNY Hey, shh! CARL You're making us miss the contest. BURNS Could you explain your model, young man? GRIMES What's to explain? He's an idiot! LENNY Pipe down! HOMER Well basically, I just copied the plant we have now. BURNS Mm-hmm. HOMER Then, I added some fins to lower wind resistance. (pointing) And this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp. BURNS Agreed. First prize! Burns gives Homer a blue ribbon and some money. GRIMES What? CARL Way to go, Homer! LENNY You're number one, Homer! GRIMES But it, it was contest for children! LENNY Yeah. And Homer beat their brains out! The audience cheers wildly. GRIMES Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you! Daahh! Aaah! Grimes runs out of the auditorium, and into an equipment room. GRIMES I can be lazy too! Grimes takes his tie off, and moons one of the technicians. GRIMES Hi, look at me, I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion! Grimes walks into the break room, and grabs two donuts from the box. GRIMES Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! Grimes scoffs down the donuts, then heads to the bathroom. GRIMES (off screen) I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise! Grimes emerges from the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face. GRIMES Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson! Grimes runs to Homer's workstation and spins around in the chair. GRIMES I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. (slaps himself on the forehead) D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! HOMER Hey, you okay, Grimey? GRIMES I'm better than okay, I'm Homer Simpson. HOMER (chuckles) You wish. Mr. Burns walks in. GRIMES Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster! He sees some dangerous-looking wires on the wall. GRIMES What's this? (reads sign) "Extremely High Voltage"? Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- Grimes grabs the wires and is electrocuted. The scene cuts to Grimes' tombstone - it is his funeral. Reverend Lovejoy delivers the eulogy. LOVEJOY Frank Grimes, or "Grimey," as he liked to be called, taught us that a man can triumph over adversity. And even though Frank's agonizing struggle through life was tragically cut short, I'm sure he's looking down on this right now... Lovejoy's voice fades as the camera pans to a sleeping Homer. HOMER (snores) Change the channel, Marge! The mourners laugh. LENNY That's our Homer! Everybody laughs as Grimes' coffin is lowered into the ground. Fade to credits.