William Wycherley - The Country Wife Act 4 (Complete Version) lyrics

ACT 4. SCENE 1. In Pinchwife's house in the morning. Lucy, Alithea dress'd in new Cloths. Lucy. Well---Madam, now have I dress'd you, and set you out with so many ornaments, and spent upon you ounces of essence, and pulvilio; and all this for no other purpose, but as People adorn, and perfume a Corps, for a stinking second-hand-grave, such or as bad I think Master Sparkish's bed. Alithea Hold your peace. Lucy. Nay, Madam, I will ask you the reason, why you wou'd banish poor Master Harcourt for ever from your sight? how cou'd you be so hard-hearted? Alithea 'Twas because I was not hard-hearted. Lucy. No, no; 'twas 'stark love and kindness, I warrant. Alithea It was so; I wou'd see him no more, because I love him. Lucy. Hey day, a very pretty reason. Alithea You do not understand me. Lucy. I wish you may your self. Alithea I was engag'd to marry, you see, another man, whom my justice will not suffer me to deceive, or injure. Lucy. Can there be a greater cheat, or wrong done to a Man, than to give him your person, without your heart, I shou'd make a conscience of it. Alithea I'll retrieve it for him after I am married a while. Lucy. The Woman that marries to love better, will be as much mistaken, as the Wencher that marries to live better. No, Madam, marrying to encrease love, is like gaming to become rich; alas you only loose, what little stock you had before. Page 54 Alithea I find by your Rhetorick you have been brib'd to betray me. Lucy. Only by his merit, that has brib'd your heart you see against your word, and rigid honour; but what a Divel is this honour? 'tis sure a disease in the head, like the Megrim, or Falling-sickness, that alwayes hurries People away to do themselves mischief; Men loose their lives by it: Women what's dearer to'em, their love, the life of life. Alithea Come, pray talk you no more of honour, nor Master Harcourt; I wish the other wou'd come, to secure my fidelity to him, and his right in me. Lucy. You will marry him then? Alithea Certainly, I have given him already my word, and will my hand too, to make it good when he comes. Lucy. Well, I wish I may never stick pin more, if he be not an errant Natural, to t'other fine Gentleman. Alithea I own he wants the wit of Harcourt, which I will dispense withal, for another want he has, which is want of jealousie, which men of wit seldom want. Lucy. Lord, Madam, what shou'd you do with a fool to your Husband, you intend to be honest don't you? then that husbandly virtue, credulity, is thrown away upon you. Alithea He only that could suspect my virtue, shou'd have cause to do it; 'tis Sparkish's confidence in my truth, that obliges me to be so faithful to him. Lucy. You are not sure his opinion may last. Alithea I am satisfied, 'tis impossible for him to be jealous, after the proofs I have had of him: Jealousie in a Husband, Heaven defend me from it, it begets a thousand plagues to a poor Woman, the loss of her honour, her quiet, and her--- Lucy. And her pleasure. Alithea What d'ye mean, Impertinent? Lucy. Liberty is a great pleasure, Madam. Alithea I say loss of her honour, her quiet, nay, her life sometimes; and what's as bad almost, the loss of this Town, that is, she is sent into the Country, which is the last ill usage of a Husband to a Wife, I think. Page 55 Lucy. Aside. O do's the wind lye there? Aloud. Then of necessity, Madam, you think a man must carry his Wife into the Country, if he be wise; the Country is as terrible I find to our young English Ladies, as a Monastery to those abroad: and on my Virginity, I think they wou'd rather marry a London-Goaler, than a high Sheriff of a County, since neither can stir from his employment: formerly Women of wit married Fools, for a great Estate, a fine seat, or the like; but now 'tis for a pretty seat only in Lincoln's Inn-fields, St. James's-fields, or the Pall-mall. Enter to them Sparkish, and Harcourt dress'd like a Parson. Sparkish Madam, your humble Servant, a happy day to you, and to us all. Harcourt Amen.--- Alithea Who have we here? Sparkish My Chaplain faith---O Madam, poor Harcourt remembers his humble service to you; and in obedience to your last commands, refrains coming into your sight. Alithea Is not that he? Sparkish No, fye no; but to shew that he ne're intended to hinder our Match has sent his Brother here to joyn our hands: when I get me a Wife, I must get her a Chaplain, according to the Custom; this is his Brother, and my Chaplain. Alithea His Brother? Lucy. And your Chaplain, to preach in your Pulpit then--- Aside. Alithea His Brother! Sparkish Nay, I knew you wou'd not believe it; I told you, Sir, she wou'd take you for your Brother Frank. Alithea Believe it! Lucy. His Brother! hah, ha, he, he has a trick left still it seems--- Aside. Sparkish Come my dearest, pray let us go to Church before the Canonical hour is past. Alithea For shame you are abus'd still. Sparkish By the World 'tis strange now you are so incredulous. Alithea 'Tis strange you are so credulous. Page 56 Sparkish Dearest of my life, hear me, I tell you this is Ned Harcourt of Cambridge, by the world, you see he has a sneaking Colledg look; 'tis true he's something like his Brother Frank and they differ from each other no more than in their age, for they were Twins. Lucy. Hah, ha, he. Alithea Your Servant, Sir, I cannot be so deceiv'd, though you are; but come let's hear, how do you know what you affirm so confidently? Sparkish Why, I'll tell you all; Frank Harcourt coming to me this morning, to wish me joy and present his service to you: I ask'd him, if he cou'd help me to a Parson; whereupon he told me, he had a Brother in Town who was in Orders, and he went straight away, and sent him, you see there, to me. Alithea Yes, Frank goes, and puts on a black-coat, then tell's you, he is Ned, that's all you have for't. Spar, Pshaw, pshaw, I tell you by the same token, the Midwife put her Garter about Frank's neck, to know'em asunder, they were so like. Alithea Frank tell's you this too. Sparkish Ay, and Ned there too; nay, they are both in a Story. Alithea So, so, very foolish. Sparkish Lord, if you won't believe one, you had best trye him by your Chamber-maid there; for Chamber-maids must needs know Chaplains from other Men, they are so us'd to'em. Lucy. Let's see; nay, I'll be sworn he has the Canonical smirk, and the filthy, clammy palm of a Chaplain. Alithea Well, most reverend Doctor, pray let us make an end of this fooling. Harcourt With all my soul, Divine, Heavenly Creature, when you please. Alithea He speaks like a Chaplain indeed. Sparkish Why, was there not, soul, Divine, Heavenly, in what he said. Alithea Once more, most impertinent Black-coat, cease your persecution, and let us have a Conclusion of this ridiculous love. Page 57 Harcourt I had forgot, I must sute my Stile to my Coat, or I wear it in vain. Aside. Alithea I have no more patience left, let us make once an end of this troublesome Love, I say. Harcourt So be it, Seraphick Lady, when your Honour shall think it meet, and convenient so to do. Sparkish Gad I'm sure none but a Chaplain cou'd speak so, I think. Alithea Let me tell you Sir, this dull trick will not serve your turn, though you delay our marriage, you shall not hinder it. Harcourt Far be it from me, Munificent Patroness, to delay your Marriage, I desire nothing more than to marry you presently, 150 which I might do, if you your self wou'd; for my Noble, Good-natur'd and thrice Generous Patron here wou'd not hinder it. Sparkish No, poor man, not I faith. Harcourt And now, Madam, let me tell you plainly, no body else shall marry you by Heavens, I'll die first, for I'm sure I shou'd die after it. Lucy. How his Love has made him forget his Function, as I have seen it in real Parsons. Alithea That was spoken like a Chaplain too, now you understand him, I hope. Sparkish Poor man, he takes it hainously to be refus'd; I can't blame him, 'tis putting an indignity upon him not to be suffer'd, but you'l pardon me Madam, it shan't be, he shall marry us, come away, pray Madam. Lucy. Hah, ha, he, more ado! 'tis late. Alithea Invincible stupidity, I tell you he wou'd marry me, as your Rival, not as your Chaplain. Sparkish Come, come Madam. Pulling her away. Lucy. I pray Madam, do not refuse this Reverend Divine, the honour and satisfaction of marrying you; for I dare say, he has set his heart upon't, good Doctor. Alithea What can you hope, or design by this? Harcourt I cou'd answer her, a reprieve for a day only, often Page 58 revokes a hasty doom; at worst, if she will not take mercy on me, and let me marry her, I have at least the Lovers second pleasure, hindring my Rivals enjoyment, though but for a time. Sparkish Come Madam, 'tis e'ne twelve a clock, and my Mother charg'd me never to be married out of the Canonical hours; come, come, Lord here's such a deal of modesty, I warrant the first day. Lucy. Yes, an't please your Worship, married women shew all their Modesty the first day, because married men shew all their love the first day. Exeunt Sparkish, Alithea, Harcourt, and Lucy. The Scene changes to a Bed-chamber, where appear Pinchwife, Mrs. Pinchwife. Mr. Pinchwife Come tell me, I say. Mrs. Pinch. Lord, han't I told it an hundred times over. Mr. Pinchwife I wou'd try, if in the repetition of the ungrateful tale, I cou'd find her altering it in the least circumstance, for if her story be false, she is so too. Aside. Come how was't Baggage? Mrs. Pinch. Lord, what pleasure you take to hear it sure! Mr. Pinchwife No, you take more in telling it I find, but speak how was't? Mrs. Pinch. He carried me up into the house, next to the Exchange. Mr. Pinchwife So, and you two were only in the room. Mrs. Pinchwife Yes, for he sent away a youth that was there, for some dryed fruit, and China Oranges. Mr. Pinchwife Did he so? Damn him for it---and for--- Mrs. Pinchwife But presently came up the Gentlewoman of the house. Mr. Pinchwife O 'twas well she did, but what did he do whilest the fruit came? Mrs. Pinchwife He kiss'd me an hundred times, and told me he fancied he kiss'd my fine Sister, meaning me you know, whom he said he lov'd with all his Soul, and bid me be sure to tell her so, and to desire her to be at her window, by eleven of Page 59 the clock this morning, and he wou'd walk under it at that time. Mr. Pinchwife And he was as good as his word, very punctual, a pox reward him for't. Aside. Mrs. Pinchwife Well, and he said if you were not within, he wou'd come up to her, meaning me you know, Bud, still. Mr. Pinchwife So---he knew her certainly, but for this confession, I am oblig'd to her simplicity. Aside. But what you stood very still, when he kiss'd you? Mrs. Pinchwife Yes I warrant you, wou'd you have had me discover'd my self? Mr. Pinchwife But you told me, he did some beastliness to you, as you call'd it, what was't? Mrs. Pinchwife Why, he put--- Mr. Pinchwife What? Mrs. Pinchwife Why he put the tip of his tongue between my lips, and so musl'd me---and I said, I'd bite it. Mr. Pinchwife An eternal canker seize it, for a dog. Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, you need not be so angry with him neither, for to say truth, he has the sweetest breath I ever knew. Mr. Pinchwife The Devil---you were satisfied with it then, and wou'd do it again. Mrs. Pinchwife Not unless he shou'd force me. Mr. Pinchwife Force you, changeling! I tell you no woman can be forced. Mrs. Pinchwife Yes, but she may sure, by such a one as he, for he's a proper, goodly strong man, 'tis hard, let me tell you, to resist him. Mr. Pinchwife So, 'tis plain she loves him, yet she has not love enough to make her conceal it from me, but the sight of him will increase her aversion for me, and love for him; and that love instruct her how to deceive me, and satisfie him, all Ideot as she is: Love, 'twas he gave women first their craft, their art of deluding; out of natures hands, they came plain, open, silly and fit for slaves, as she and Heaven intended'em; but damn'd Love---Well---I must strangle that little Monster, whilest I can deal with him. Page 60 Go fetch Pen, Ink and Paper out of the next room: Mrs Mr. Pinchwife Yes Bud. Exit Mrs. Pinchwife. Mr. Pinchwife Why should Women have more invention in love than men? It can only be, because they have more desires, more solliciting pa**ions, more lust, and more of the Devil. Mistris Pinchwife returns. Aside. Come, Minks, sit down and write. Mrs. Pinchwife Ay, dear Bud, but I can't do't very well. Mr. Pinchwife I wish you cou'd not at all. Mrs. Pinchwife But what shou'd I write for? Mr. Pinchwife I'll have you write a Letter to your Lover. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord, to the fine Gentleman a Letter! Mr. Pinchwife Yes, to the fine Gentleman. Mrs. Pinchwife Lord, you do but jeer; sure you jest. Mr. Pinchwife I am not so merry, come write as I bid you. Mrs. Pinchwife What, do you think I am a fool? Mr. Pinchwife She's afraid I would not dictate any love to him, therefore she's unwilling; but you had best begin. Mrs. Pinchwife Indeed, and indeed, but I won't, so I won't. Mr. Pinchwife Why? Mrs. Pinchwife Because he's in Town, you may send for him if you will. Mr. Pinchwife Very well, you wou'd have him brought to you; is it come to this? I say take the pen and write, or you'll provoke me. Mrs. Pinchwife Lord, what d'ye make a fool of me for? Don't I know that Letters are never writ, but from the Countrey to London, and from London into the Countrey; now he's in Town, and I am in Town too; therefore I can't write to him you know. Mr. Pinchwife So I am glad it is no worse, she is innocent enough yet Aside. Yes you may when your Husband bids you write Letters to people that are in Town. Mrs. Pinchwife O may I so! Then I'm satisfied. Mr. Pinchwife Come begin---Sir--- Dictates. Mrs. Pinchwife Shan't I say, Dear Sir? You know one says always Page 61 something more than bare Sir. Mr. Pinchwife Write as I bid you, or I will write who*e with this Penknife in your Face. Mrs. Pinchwife Nay good Bud---Sir--- She writes. Mr. Pinchwife Though I suffer'd last night your nauseous, loath'd Kisses and Embraces---Write Mrs. Pinchwife Nay, why shou'd I say so, you know I told you, he had a sweet breath. Mr. Pinchwife Write. Mrs. Pinchwife Let me but put out, loath'd. Mr. Pinchwife Write I say. Mrs. Pinchwife Well then. Writes. Mr. Pinchwife Let's see what have you writ? Though I suffer'd last night your kisses and embraces--- Takes the paper, and reads. Thou impudent creature, where is nauseous and loath'd? Mrs. Pinchwife I can't abide to write such filthy words. Mr. Pinchwife Once more write as I'd have you, and question it not, or I will spoil thy writing with this, I will stab out those eyes that cause my mischief. Holds up the penknife. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord, I will. Mr. Pinchwife So---so---Let's see now! Reads. Though I suffer'd last night your nauseous, loath'd kisses, and embraces; Go on---Yet I would not have you presume that you shall ever repeat them---So--- She writes. Mrs. Pinchwife I have writ it. Mr. Pinchwife On then---I then conceal'd my self from your knowledge, to avoid your insolencies--- She writes. Mrs. Pinchwife So--- Mr. Pinchwife The same reason now I am out of your hands--- She writes. Mrs. Pinchwife So--- Mr. Pinchwife Makes me own to you my unfortunate, though innocent frolick, of being in man's cloths. She writes. Mrs. Pinchwife So--- Mr. Pinchwife That you may for ever more cease to pursue her, who hates and detests you--- She writes on. Page 62 Mrs. Pinchwife So---h--- Sighs. Mr. Pinchwife What do you sigh?---detests you---as much as she loves her Husband and her Honour--- Mrs. Pinchwife I vow Husband he'll ne'er believe, I shou'd write such a Letter. Mr. Pinchwife What he'd expect a kinder from you? come now your name only. Mrs. Pinchwife What, shan't I say your most faithful, humble Servant till d**h? Mr. Pinchwife No, tormenting Fiend; her stile I find wou'd be very soft. Aside. Come wrap it up now, whilest I go fetch wax and a candle; and write on the back side, for Mr. Horner. Exit Pinchwife. Mrs. Pinchwife For Mr. Horner---So, I am glad he has told me his name; Dear Mr. Horner, but why should I send thee such a Letter, that will vex thee, and make thee angry with me;---well I will not send it---Ay but then my husband will k** me---for I see plainly, he won't let me love Mr. Horner---but what care I for my Husband---I won't so I won't send poor Mr. Horner such a Letter---but then my Husband---But oh---what if I writ at bottom, my Husband made me write it---Ay but then my Husband wou'd see't---Can one have no shift, ah, a London woman wou'd have had a hundred presently; stay---what if I shou'd write a Letter, and wrap it up like this, and write upon't too; ay but then my Husband wou'd see't---I don't know what to do---But yet y vads I'll try, so I will--- for I will not send this Letter to poor Mr. Horner, come what will on't. Dear, Sweet Mr. Horner---So--- my Husband wou'd have me send you a base, rude, unmannerly Letter---but She writes, and repeats what she hath writ. I won't---so---and wou'd have me forbid you loving me---but I wont---so---and wou'd have me say to you, I hate you poor Mr. Horner---but I won't tell a lye for him---there---for I'm sure if you and I were Page 63 in the Countrey at cards together,---so---I cou'd not help treading on your Toe under the Table---so---or rubbing knees with you, and staring in your face, 'till you saw me ---very well---and then looking down, and blushing for an hour together---so---but I must make haste before my Husband come; and now he has taught me to write Letters: You shall have longer ones from me, who am Dear, dear, poor dear Mr. Horner, your most Humble Friend, and Servant to command 'till d**h, Margery Pinchwife. Stay I must give him a hint at bottom---so---now wrap it up just like t'other---so---now write for Mr. Horner,--- But oh now what shall I do with it? for here comes my Husband. Enter Pinchwife. Mr. Pinchwife I have been detained by a Sparkish Coxcomb, who pretended a visit to me; but I fear 'twas to my Wife. Aside. What, have you done? Mrs. Pinchwife Ay, ay Bud, just now. Mr. Pinchwife Let's see't, what d'ye tremble for; what, you wou'd not have it go? Mrs. Pinchwife Here---No I must not give him that, so I had been served if I He opens, and reads the first Letter. had given him this. Aside. Mr. Pinchwife Come, where's the Wax and Seal? Mrs. Pinchwife Lord, what shall I do now? Nay then I have it--- Aside. Pray let me see't, Lord you think Snatches the Letter from him, changes it for the other, seals it, and delivers it to him. me so errand a fool, I cannot seal a Letter, I will do't, so I will. Mr. Pinchwife Nay, I believe you will learn that, and other things too, which I wou'd not have you. Mrs. Pinchwife So, han't I done it curiously? I think I have, there's my Letter going to Mr. Horner; since he'll needs have me send Letters to Folks. Aside. Mr. Pinchwife 'Tis very well, but I warrant, you wou'd not have it go now? Page 64 Mrs. Pinchwife Yes indeed, but I wou'd, Bud, now. Mr. Pinchwife Well you are a good Girl then, come let me lock you up in your chamber, 'till I come back; and be sure you come not within three strides of the window, when I am gone; for I have a spye in the street. Exit Mrs. Pinchwife At least, 'tis fit she think so, if we do Pinchwife locks the door. not cheat women, they'll cheat us; and fraud may be justly used with secret enemies, of which a Wife is the most dangerous; and he that has a handsome one to keep, and a Frontier Town, must provide against treachery, rather than open Force---Now I have secur'd all within, I'll deal with the Foe without with false intelligence. Holds up the Letter. Exit Pinchwife. The Scene changes to Horner's Lodging. Quack and Horner. Quack. Well Sir, how fadges the new design; have you 400 not the luck of all your brother Projectors, to deceive only your self at last. Horner No, good Domine Doctor, I deceive you it seems, and others too; for the grave Matrons, and old ridgid Husbands think me as unfit for love, as they are; but their Wives, Sisters and Daughters, know some of'em better things already. Quack. Already! Horner Already, I say; last night I was drunk with half a dozen of your civil persons, as you call'em, and people of Honour, and so was made free of their Society, and dressing rooms for ever hereafter; and am already come to the privileges of sleeping upon their Pallats, warming Smocks, tying Shooes and Garters, and the like Doctor, already, already Doctor. Quack. You have made use of your time, Sir. Horner I tell thee, I am now no more interruption to'em, Page 65 when they sing, or talk bawdy, than a little squab French Page, who speaks no English. Quack. But do civil persons, and women of Honour drink, and sing bawdy Songs? Horner O amongst Friends, amongst Friends; for your Bigots in Honour, are just like those in Religion; they fear the eye of the world, more than the eye of Heaven, and think there is no virtue, but railing at vice; and no sin, but giving scandal: They rail at a poor, little, kept Player, and keep themselves some young, modest Pulpit Comedian to be privy to their sins in their Closets, not to tell'em of them in their Chappels. Quack. Nay, the truth on't is, Priests amongst the women now, have quite got the better of us Lay Confessors, Physicians. Horner And they are rather their Patients, but--- Enter my Lady Fidget, looking about her. Now we talk of women of Honour, here comes one, step behind the Screen there, and but observe; if I have not particular privileges, with the women of reputation already, Doctor, already. Lady Fidget Well Horner, am not I a woman of Honour? you see I'm as good as my word. Horner And you shall see Madam, I'll not be behind hand with you in honour; and I'll be as good as my word too, if you please but to withdraw into the next room. Lady Fidget But first, my dear Sir, you must promise to have a care of my dear Honour. Horner If you talk a word more of your Honour, you'll make me incapable to wrong it; to talk of Honour in the mysteries of Love, is like talking of Heaven, or the Deity in an operation of Witchcraft, just when you are employing the Devil, it makes the charm impotent. Lady Fidget Nay, fie, let us not be smooty; but you talk of mysteries, and bewitching to me, I don't understand you. Horner I tell you Madam, the word money in a Mistresses mouth, at such a nick of time, is not a more disheartning sound Page 66 to a younger Brother, than that of Honour to an eager Lover like my self. Lady Fidget But you can't blame a Lady of my reputation to be chary. Horner Chary---I have been chary of it already, by the report I have caus'd of my self. Lady Fidget Ay, but if you shou'd ever let other women know that dear secret, it would come out; nay, you must have a great care of your conduct; for my acquaintance are so censorious, (oh 'tis a wicked censorious world, Mr. Horner) I say, are so censorious, and detracting, that perhaps they'll talk to the prejudice of my Honour, though you shou'd not let them know the dear secret. Horner Nay Madam, rather than they shall prejudice your Honour, I'll prejudice theirs; and to serve you, I'll lye with 'em all, make the secret their own, and then they'll keep it: I am a Machiavel in love Madam. Lady Fidget O, no Sir, not that way. Horner Nay, the Devil take me, if censorious women are to be silenc'd any other way. Lady Fidget A secret is better kept I hope, by a single person, than a multitude; therefore pray do not trust any body else with it, dear, dear Mr. Horner. Embracing him. Enter Sir Jaspar Fidget. Sir Jaspar Fidget How now! Lady Fidget O my Husband---prevented---and what's almost as bad, found with my arms about another man--- that will appear too much---what shall I say? Aside. Sir Jaspar come hither, I am trying if Mr. Horner were ticklish, and he's as ticklish as can be, I love to torment the confounded Toad; let you and I tickle him. Sir Jaspar Fidget No, your Ladyship will tickle him better without me, I suppose, but is this your buying China, I thought you had been at the China House? Horner China-House, that's my Cue, I must take it Aside. A Pox, can't you keep your impertinent Wives at home? some men are troubled with the Husbands, but I with the Page 67 Wives; but I'd have you to know, since I cannot be your Journey-man by night, I will not be your drudge by day, to squire your wife about, and be your man of straw, or scare-crow only to Pyes and Jays; that would be nibling at your forbidden fruit; I shall be shortly the Hackney Gentleman-Usher of the Town. Sir Jaspar Fidget Heh, heh, he, poor fellow he's in the right on't faith, to squire women about for other folks, is as ungrateful an employment, as to tell money for other folks; Aside. heh, he, he, ben't angry Horner--- Lady Fidget No, 'tis I have more reason to be angry, who am left by you, to go abroad indecently alone; or, what is more indecent, to pin my self upon such ill bred people of your acquaintance, as this is. Sir Jaspar Fidget Nay, pr'ythee what has he done? Lady Fidget Nay, he has done nothing. Sir Jaspar Fidget But what d'ye take ill, if he has done nothing? Lady Fidget Hah, hah, hah, Faith, I can't but laugh however; why d'ye think the unmannerly toad wou'd not come down to me to the Coach, I was fain to come up to fetch him, or go without him, which I 'was resolved not to do; for he knows China very well, and has himself very good, but will not let me see it, lest I should beg some; but I will find it out, and have what I came for yet. Exit Lady Fidget, and locks the door, followed by Horner to the door. Horner Lock the door Madam--- Apart to Lady Fidget. So, she has got into my chamber, and lock'd me out; oh the impertinency of woman-kind! Well Sir Jaspar, plain dealing is a Jewel; if ever you suffer your Wife to trouble me again here, she shall carry you home a pair of Horns, by my Lord Major she shall; though I cannot furnish you my self, you are sure, yet I'll find a way. Sir Jaspar Fidget Hah, ha, he, at my first coming in, and finding her arms about him, tickling him it seems, I was half jealous, but now I see my folly. Aside. Heh, he, he, poor Horner. Page 68 Horner Nay, though you laugh now, 'twill be my turn e're long: Oh women, more impertinent, more cunning, and more mischievous than their Monkeys, and to me almost as ugly---now is she throwing my things about, and rifling all I have, but I'll get into her the back way, and so rifle her for it--- Sir Jaspar Fidget Hah, ha, ha, poor angry Horner. Horner Stay here a little, I'll ferret her out to you presently, I warrant. Exit Horner at t'other door. Sir Jaspar Fidget Wife, my Lady Fidget, Wife, he is coming into you the back way. Sir Jaspar calls through the door to his Wife, she answers from within. Lady Fidget Let him come, and welcome, which way he will. Sir Jaspar Fidget He'll catch you, and use you roughly, and be too strong for you. Lady Fidget Don't you trouble your self, let him if he can. Quack. Behind This indeed, I cou'd not have believ'd from him, nor any but my own eyes. Enter Mistris Squeamish. Squeam. Where's this Woman-hater, this Toad, this ugly, greasie, dirty Sloven? Sir Jaspar Fidget So the women all will have him ugly, methinks he is a comely person; but his wants make his form contemptible to'em; and 'tis e'en as my Wife said yesterday, talking of him, that a proper handsome Eunuch, was as ridiculous a thing, as a Gigantick Coward. Squeam. Sir Jaspar, your Servant, where is the odious 550 Beast? Sir Jaspar Fidget He's within in his chamber, with my Wife; she's playing the wag with him. Squeam. Is she so, and he's a clownish beast, he'll give her no quarter, he'll play the wag with her again, let me tell you; come, let's go help her---What, the door's lock't? Sir Jaspar Fidget Ay, my Wife lock't it--- Squeam. Did she so, let us break it open then? Sir Jaspar Fidget No, no, he'll do her no hurt. Page 69 Squeam. No---But is there no other way to get into 'em, whither goes this? I will disturb'em. Aside. Exit Squeamish at another door. Enter old Lady Squeamish. Old Lady Squeamish. Where is this Harlotry, this Impudent Baggage, this rambling Tomrigg? O Sir Jaspar, I'm glad to see you here, did you not see my vil'd Grandchild come in hither just now? Sir Jaspar Fidget Yes, Old Lady Squeamish, Ay, but where is she then? where is she? Lord Sir Jaspar I have e'ne ratled my self to pieces in pursuit of her, but can you tell what she makes here, they say below, no woman lodges here. Sir Jaspar Fidget No. Old Lady Squeamish. No---What does she here then? say if it be not a womans lodging, what makes she here? but are you sure no woman lodges here? Sir Jaspar Fidget No, nor no man neither, this is Mr. Horners Lodging. Old Lady Squeamish. Is it so are you sure? Sir Jaspar Fidget Yes, yes. Old Lady Squeamish. So then there's no hurt in't I hope, but where is he? Sir Jaspar Fidget He's in the next room with my Wife. Old Lady Squeamish. Nay if you trust him with your wife, I may with my Biddy, they say he's a merry harmless man now, e'ne as harmless a man as ever came out of Italy with a good voice, and as pretty harmless company for a Lady, as a Snake without his teeth. Sir Jaspar Fidget Ay. ay poor man. Enter Mrs. Squeamish. Mrs. Squeamish I can't find'em---Oh are you here, Grandmother, I follow'd you must know my Lady Fidget hither, 'tis the prettyest lodging, and I have been staring on the prettyest Pictures. Page 70 Enter Lady Fidget with a piece of China in her hand, and Horner following. Lady Fidget And I have been toyling and moyling, for the pretti'st piece of China, my Dear. Horner Nay she has been too hard for me do what I cou'd. Mrs. Squeamish Oh Lord I'le have some China too, good Mr. Horner, don't think to give other people China, and me none, come in with me too. Horner Upon my honour I have none left now. Mrs. Squeamish Nay, nay I have known you deny your China before now, but you shan't put me off so, come--- Horner This Lady had the last there. Lady Fidget Yes indeed Madam, to my certain knowledge he has no more left. Mrs. Squeamish O but it may be he may have some you could not find. Lady Fidget What d'y think if he had had any left, I would not have had it too, for we women of quality never think we have China enough. Horner Do not take it ill, I cannot make China for you all, but I will have a Rol-waggon for you too, another time. Mrs. Squeamish Thank you dear Toad. To Horn, aside. Lady Fidget What do you mean by that promise? Horner Alas she has an innocent, literal understanding. Apart to Lady Fidget. Old Lady Squeamish. Poor Mr. Horner, he has enough to doe to please you all, I see. Horner Ay Madam, you see how they use me. Old Lady Squeamish. Poor Gentleman I pitty you. Horner I thank you Madam, I could never find pitty, but from such reverend Ladies as you are, the young ones will never spare a man. Mrs. Squeamish Come come, Beast, and go dine with us, for we shall want a man at Hombre after dinner. Horner That's all their use of me Madam you see. Mrs. Squeamish Come Sloven, I'le lead you to be sure of you. Pulls him by the Crevat. Page 71 Old Lady Squeamish. 625 Alas poor man how she tuggs him, kiss, kiss her, that's the way to make such nice women quiet. Horner No Madam, that Remedy is worse than the Torment, they know I dare suffer any thing rather than do it. Old Lady Squeamish Prythee kiss her, and I'le give you her Picture in little, that you admir'd so last night, prythee do. Horner Well nothing but that could bribe me, I love a woman only in Effigie, and good Painting as much as I hate them---I'le do't, for I cou'd adore the Devil well painted. Kisses Mrs. Squeam. Mrs. Squeamish Foh, you filthy Toad, nay now I've done jesting. Old Lady Squeamish Ha, ha, ha, I told you so. Mrs. Squeamish Foh a kiss of his--- Sir Jaspar Fidget Has no more hurt in't, than one of my Spaniels. Mrs. Squeamish Nor no more good neither. Quack. I will now believe any thing he tells me. Behind. Enter Mr. Pinchwife. Lady Fidget O Lord here's a man, Sir Jaspar, my Mask, my Mask, I would not be seen here for the world. Sir Jaspar Fidget What not when I am with you. Lady Fidget No, no my honour---let's be gone. Mrs. Squeamish Oh Grandmother, let us be gone, make hast, make hast, I know not how he may censure us. Lady Fidget Be found in the lodging of any thing like a man, away. Exeunt Sir Jaspar Fidget Lady Fidget Old Lady Squeamish Mrs. Squeamish. Quack. What's here another Cuckold---he looks like one, and none else sure have any business with him, Behind. Horner Well what brings my dear friend hither? Mr. Pinchwife Your impertinency. Horner My impertinency---why you Gentlemen that have got handsome Wives, think you have a privilege of saying any thing to your friends, and are as brutish, as if you were our Creditors. Mr. Pinchwife No Sir, I'le ne're trust you any way. Horner But why not, dear Jack, why diffide in me, thou knowst so well. Page 72 Mr. Pinchwife Because I do know you so well. Horner Han't I been always thy friend honest Jack, always ready to serve thee, in love, or battle, before thou wert married, and am so still. Mr. Pinchwife I believe so you wou'd be my second now indeed. Horner Well then dear Jack, why so unkind, so grum, so strange to me, come prythee kiss me deare Rogue, gad I was always I say, and am still as much thy Servant as--- Mr. Pinchwife As I am yours Sir. What you wou'd send a kiss to my Wife, is that it? Horner So there 'tis---a man can't shew his friendship to a married man, but presently he talks of his wife to you, prythee let thy Wife alone, and let thee and I be all one, as we were wont, what thou art as shye of my kindness, as a Lumbard-street Alderman of a Courtiers civility at Lockets. Mr. Pinchwife But you are over kind to me, as kind, as if I were your Cuckold already, yet I must confess you ought to be kind and civil to me, since I am so kind, so civil to you, as to bring you this, look you there Sir. Delivers him a Letter. Horner What is't? Mr. Pinchwife Only a Love Letter Sir. Horner From whom---how, this is from your Wife--- hum---and hum--- Reads. Mr. Pinchwife Even from my Wife Sir, am I not wondrous kind and civil to you, now too? Aside. But you'l not think her so. Horner Ha, is this a trick of his or hers Aside. Mr. Pinchwife The Gentleman's surpriz'd I find, what you expected a kinder Letter? Horner No faith not I, how cou'd I. Mr. Pinchwife Yes yes, I'm sure you did, a man so well made as you are must needs be disappointed, if the women declare not their pa**ion at first sight or opportunity. Horner But what should this mean? stay the Postcript. Be sure you love me whatsoever my husband says to the contrary, and let him not see this, lest he should come Page 73 home, and pinch me, or k** my Squirrel. Reads aside. It seems he knows not what the Letter contains. Aside. Mr. Pinchwife Come ne're wonder at it so much. Horner Faith I can't help it. Mr. Pinchwife Now I think I have deserv'd your infinite friendship, and kindness, and have shewed my self sufficiently an obliging kind friend and husband, am I not so, to bring a Letter from my Wife to her Gallant? Horner Ay, the Devil take me, art thou, the most obliging, kind friend and husband in the world, ha, ha. Mr. Pinchwife Well you may be merry Sir, but in short I must tell you Sir, my honour will suffer no jesting. Horner What do'st thou mean? Mr. Pinchwife Does the Letter want a Comment? then know Sir, though I have been so civil a husband, as to bring you a Letter from my Wife, to let you kiss and court her to my face, I will not be a Cuckold Sir, I will not. Horner Thou art mad with jealousie, I never saw thy Wife in my life, but at the Play yesterday, and I know not if it were she or no, I court her, kiss her! Mr. Pinchwife I will not be a Cuckold I say, there will be danger in making me a Cuckold. Horner Why, wert thou not well cur'd of thy last clap? Mr. Pinchwife I weare a Sword. Horner It should be taken from thee, lest thou should'st do thy self a mischiefe with it, thou art mad, Man. Mr. Pinchwife As mad as I am, and as merry as you are, I must have more reason from you e're we part, I say again though you kiss'd, and courted last night my Wife in man's clothes, as she confesses in her Letter. Horner Ha--- Aside. Mr. Pinchwife Both she and I say you must not design it again, for you have mistaken your woman, as you have done your man. Horner Oh---I understand something now---Aside. Was that thy Wife? why would'st thou not tell me 'twas she? faith my freedome with her was your fault, not mine. Page 74 Mr. Pinchwife Faith so 'twas--- Aside. Horner Fye, I'de never do't to a woman before her husbands face, sure. Mr. Pinchwife But I had rather you should do't to my wife before my face, than behind my back, and that you shall never doe. Horner No---you will hinder me. Mr. Pinchwife If I would not hinder you, you see by her Letter, she wou'd. Horner Well, I must e'ne acquiess then, and be contented with what she writes. Mr. Pinchwife I'le a**ure you 'twas voluntarily writ, I had no hand in't you may believe me. Horner I do believe thee, faith. Mr. Pinchwife And believe her too, for she's an innocent creature, has no dissembling in her, and so fare you well Sir. Horner Pray however present my humble service to her, and tell her I will obey her Letter to a tittle, and fulfill her desires be what they will, or with what difficulty soever I do't, and you shall be no more jealous of me, I warrant her, and you--- Mr. Pinchwife Well then fare you well, and play with any mans honour but mine, kiss any mans wife but mine, and welcome--- Exit Mr. Pinchwife Horner Ha, ha, ha, Doctor. Quack. It seems he has not heard the report of you, or does not believe it. Horner Ha, ha, now Doctor what think you? Quack. Pray let's see the Letter---hum---for--- deare---love you--- Reads the Letter. Horner I wonder how she cou'd contrive it! what say'st thou to't, 'tis an Original. Quack. So are your Cuckolds too Originals: for they are like no other common Cuckolds, and I will henceforth believe it not impossible for you to Cuckold the Grand Signior amidst his Guards of Eunuchs, that I say--- Horner And I say for the Letter, 'tis the first love Letter that Page 75 ever was without Flames, Darts, Fates, Destinies, Lying and Dissembling in't. Enter Sparkish pulling in Mr. Pinchwife. Sparkish Come back, you are a pretty Brother-in-law, neither go to Church, nor to dinner with your Sister Bride. Mr. Pinchwife My Sister denies her marriage, and you see is gone away from you dissatisfy'd. Sparkish Pshaw, upon a foolish scruple, that our Parson was not in lawful Orders, and did not say all the Common Prayer, but 'tis her modesty only I believe, but let women be never so modest the first day, they'l be sure to come to themselves by night, and I shall have enough of her then; in the mean time, Harry Horner, you must dine with me, I keep my wedding at my Aunts in the Piazza. Horner Thy wedding, what stale Maid has liv'd to despaire of a husband, or what young one of a Gallant? Sparkish O your Servant Sir---this Gentlemans Sister then ---No stale Maid. Horner I'm sorry for't. Mr. Pinchwife How comes he so concern'd for her---Aside. Sparkish You sorry for't, why do you know any ill by her? Horner No, I know none but by thee, 'tis for her sake, not yours, and another mans sake that might have hop'd, I thought--- Sparkish Another Man, another man, what is his Name? Horner Nay since 'tis past he shall be nameless. Poor Harcourt I am sorry thou mist her--- Aside Mr. Pinchwife He seems to be much troubled at the match---. Aside. Sparkish Prythee tell me---nay you shan't go Brother. Mr. Pinchwife I must of necessity, but I'le come to you to dinner. Exit Pinchwife. Sparkish But Harry, what have I a Rival in my Wife already? but withal my heart, for he may be of use to me hereafter, for 800 though my hunger is now my sawce, and I can fall on heartily without, but the time will come, when a Rival will be as Page 76 good sawce for a married man to a wife, as an Orange to Veale. Horner O thou damn'd Rogue, thou hast set my teeth on edge with thy Orange. Sparkish Then let's to dinner, there I was with you againe, come. Horner But who dines with thee? Sparkish My Friends and Relations, my Brother Pinchwife you see of your acquaintance. Horner And his Wife. Sparkish No gad, he'l nere let her come amongst us good fellows, your stingy country Coxcomb keeps his wife from his friends, as he does his little Firkin of Ale, for his own drinking, and a Gentleman can't get a smack on't, but his servants, when his back is turn'd broach it at their pleasures, and dust it away, ha, ha, ha, gad I am witty, I think, considering I was married to day, by the world, but come--- Horner No, I will not dine with you, unless you can fetch her too. Sparkish Pshaw what pleasure can'st thou have with women now, Harry? Horner My eyes are not gone, I love a good prospect yet, and will not dine with you, unless she does too, go fetch her therefore, but do not tell her husband, 'tis for my sake. Sparkish Well I'le go try what I can do, in the mean time come away to my Aunts lodging, 'tis in the way to Pinchwifes. Horner The poor woman has call'd for aid, and stretch'd forth her hand Doctor, I cannot but help her over the Pale out of the Bryars. Exeunt Sparkish, Horner, Quack. The Scene changes to Pinchwifes house. Mrs. Pinchwife alone leaning on her elbow. A Table, Pen, Ink, and Paper. Mrs. Pinchwife Well 'tis 'ene so, I have got the London disease, they call Love, I am sick of my Husband, and for my Gallant; Page 77 I have heard this distemper, call'd a Feaver, but methinks 'tis liker an Ague, for when I think of my Husband, I tremble and am in a cold sweat, and have inclinations to vomit, but when I think of my Gallant, dear Mr. Horner, my hot fit comes, and I am all in a Feaver, indeed, & as in other Feavers, my own Chamber is tedious to me, and I would fain be remov'd to his, and then methinks I shou'd be well; ah poor Mr. Horner, well I cannot, will not stay here, therefore I'le make an end of my Letter to him, which shall be a finer Letter than my last, because I have studied it like any thing; O Sick, Sick! Takes the Pen and writes. Enter Mr. Pinchwife who seeing her writing steales softly behind her, and looking over her shoulder, snatches the paper from her. Mr. Pinchwife What writing more Letters? Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord Budd, why d'ye fright me so? She offers to run out: he stops her, and reads. Mr. Pinchwife How's this! nay you shall not stir Madam. Deare, Deare, deare, Mr Horner---very well--- I have taught you to write Letters to good purpose---but let's see't. First I am to beg your pardon for my boldness in writing to you, which I'de have you to know, I would not have done, had not you said first you lov'd me so extreamly, which if you doe, you will never suffer me to lye in the arms of another man, whom I loath. nauseate, and detest---Now you can write these filthy words but what follows--- Therefore I hope you will speedily find some way to free me from this unfortunate match, which was never, I a**ure you, of my choice, but I'm afraid 'tis already too far gone; however if you love me, as I do you, you will try what you can do, but you must help me away before to morrow, or else ala** I shall be for ever out of your reach, for I can defer no longer our---our---what is to follow our--- speak what? our Journey into The Letter concludes. the Country I suppose---Oh Woman, damn'd Woman, Page 78 and Love, damn'd Love, their old Tempter, for this is one of his miracles, in a moment, he can make those blind that cou'd see, and those see that were blind, those dumb that could speak, and those prattle who were dumb before, nay what is more than all, make these dow-bak'd, sensless, indocile animals, Women, too hard for us their Politick Lords and Rulers in a moment; But make an end of your Letter, and then I'le make an end of you thus, and all my plagues together. Draws his Sword. Mrs. Pinchwife O Lord, O Lord you are such a Pa**ionate Man, Budd. Enter Sparkish. Sparkish How now what's here to doe. Mr. Pinchwife This Fool here now! Sparkish What drawn upon your Wife? you shou'd never do that but at night in the dark when you can't hurt her, this is my Sister in Law is it not? ay faith e'ne our Pulls aside her Handkercheife. Country Margery, one may know her, come she and you must go dine with me, dinner's ready, come, but where's my Wife, is she not come home yet, where is she? Mr. Pinchwife Making you a Cuckold, 'tis that they all doe, as soon as they can. Sparkish What the Wedding day? no, a Wife that designs to make a Cully of her Husband, will be sure to let him win the first stake of love, by the world, but come they stay dinner for us, come I'le lead down our Margery. Mrs. Pinchwife No---Sir go we'l follow you. Sparkish I will not wag without you. Mr. Pinchwife This Coxcomb is a sensible torment to me amidst the greatest in the world. Sparkish Come, come Madam Margery. Mr. Pinchwife No I'le lead her my way, what wou'd you treat your friends 900 with mine, for want of your own Wife? Leads her. to t'other door, and locks her in and returns. I am contented my rage shou'd take breath--- Aside. Sparkish I told Horner this. Page 79 Mr. Pinchwife Come now. Sparkish Lord, how shye you are of your Wife, but let me tell you Brother, we men of wit have amongst us a saying, that Cuckolding like the small Pox comes with a fear, and you may keep your Wife as much as you will out of danger of infection, but if her constitution incline her to't, she'l have it sooner or later by the world, say they. Mr. Pinchwife What a thing is a Cuckold, that every fool can make him ridiculous--- Aside. Well Sir---But let me advise you, now you are come to be concern'd, because you suspect the danger, not to neglect the means to prevent it, especially when the greatest share of the Malady will light upon your own head, for--- How'sere the kind Wife's Belly comes to swell. The Husband breeds for her, and first is ill.