Waldfield - Facebook Best-Ofs: 2012 lyrics

January 1, 2012 People in my generation shouldn't watch the 70s p**n film The Devil In Miss Jones. Because it is IMPOSSIBLE to watch it without thinking back to that Wonder Years episode where Kevin and Paul tried to sneak into the theater to see it. You start having thoughts like, "What would little Kevin have thought about this an*l dil*o scene??" January 2, 2012 AN OPEN LETTER TO BARACK OBAMA: Hi Barack! How's it going? Is everything good with Sasha and Malia? They sure are growing fast, huh? Well... write me back if you can find the time (I know your schedule's very busy haha)! Love, Wallid January 12, 2012 today is seth putnam appreciation day tomorrow is also seth putnam appreciation day January 22, 2012 "Prepare to die." What does that MEAN? How do you do that? Usually someone says it about five seconds before k**ing you, which is not enough time to call your lawyer and touch up your will, or to go home and dispose of your p**n collection, or to.... January 23, 2012 I ran into a student at the grocery store today and we chatted for a little while. I think she looked at me for about 10% of the time and my cart for the other 90% because STUDENTS ARE SO CURIOUS ABOUT THEIR TEACHERS. Ooh what is he buying what does he eat what does he cook does he own a pet is he buying food for people besides himself does he eat healthily is there junk food does he buy organic is that regular pasta or whole grain I HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING January 27, 2012 I'm going to name my children things like Justin Bieber and Jennifer Aniston. That way I can say things like, "I just punched Justin Bieber" and "I just had s** with Justin Bieber" February 1, 2012 Fact: FreeOnes currently has 23,356 women listed, and exactly twelve of them are 6'3" are taller. February 7, 2012 The opening sentence of a 10th grader's year-long research project: "Oceans have existed for as long as mankind can remember." February 7, 2012 it is sooooo haaaard not to be a pedophile sometimes February 12, 2012 On the gamefaqs board for Big Bird's Egg Catch, there is a thread titled "what up ladies" February 24, 2012 Hey I can write like F. Scott Fitzgerald too, watch this "There was a brown house covered in brown dirt, which made the windows look brown. The brown mailbox out front had a brown flag on it. A man walked outside with brown skin and brown sungla**es. Then he took out a book. Its cover was kind of a light tannish brown, and the pages were a dark tannish brown." March 2, 2012 Online dating memories: Back when I was 24, and trying it out for the first time, a 17 year old messaged me. At the time I was new to being a teacher and VERY conscious of age gaps and pedophilia and getting involved with teenagers. So I wrote back saying thanks but I think you're a little too young for me. She wrote me back. She said, "I usually date guys who are 28-29, so actually you're a little young for me." ! March 2, 2012 I don't like it when rappers tell you that they're on the mic. "Okay, rapper, you have a stage, you have a microphone, you have recording equipment, you can say anything you want. What do you want to say?" "I want to to tell people that I'm on the mic." "Right, you're on the mic, and since you're on the mic, you can tell the world anything you want. Literally anything. What will your message be?" "That I'm on the mic." >:O you deserve to have that privilege revoked March 2, 2012 To me the absolute funniest part of Bigger And Blacker isn't anything Chris Rock says (although he's definitely very funny in it). It's this one moment when he's talking about his p**n collection. He says every guy has to have a p**n collection. "Not an illegal amount—just enough to get through the day." Or something like that. And then. Listen for it. There's one fat, mustache-sounding guy in the audience who yells out "THANK YOU!" March 5, 2012 It's important to use emoticons so people don't misread your tone ;D March 10, 2012 google stops auto suggesting after this second O in "youngest looking" March 13, 2012 I was reminded today during a debate about a county exam answer key that I know more about grammar than even most grammar specialists. Grammar is just one of my superpowers. Grammar and cunnilingus, those are my two superpowers. March 18, 2012 If you suspect your guy is cheating on you, and you smell his dick, and you turn out to be correct, what a flood of emotions you must feel at that instant! There's the sadness of discovering that he is in fact cheating, but there's also the thrill of having outsmarted him and proven your theory. And then there's the basic uneasiness that comes from inhaling the fumes from another woman's vagina. I hope I'm never an actress who has to play that role in a film, because I don't think I could facially convey all of those at once. I'd just ham it up and go "Oh no! Aha I knew it! Oh, gross." March 20, 2012 "I am a role model" —Wallid Fielding March 21, 2012 "'I am a role model.' —Wallid Fielding" —Wallid Fielding March 23, 2012 if you say "sweets for my sweet," your girl is your sweet, right so why give her chocolates and call them sweets. you should give her girls. March 23, 2012 no one ever says "honey for my honey" and gives their girl a pot of honey March 29, 2012 I spent the evening making stains on the sheets if you know what I mean (I was eating chinese food in bed) April 2, 2012 Based on the various definitions of the word, you can riprap a riprap with riprap. April 11, 2012 Please consider the environmental impact before printing this status update. April 13, 2012 You know how airplanes have those indestructible black boxes in them Why don't they just make the whole plane out of like something edible, so that way when people are searching through the wreckage for that black box they can enjoy a nice snack April 18, 2012 "Speak of the devil and he doth appear." It's never been true in my experience :\ I'd love to interview him though April 18, 2012 I was looking over one of my students' shoulders in the computer lab. He had just tweeted, "I wonder if fish get hungry." Then, several minutes later, "I meant I wonder if fish get thirsty." April 18, 2012 Originally a male singer wrote "Ain't no sunshine when she's gone." There were many covers, some of which were female singers changing it to be about a man. I'm going to record my own cover, changing it to be about myself. April 21, 2012 I hope Quentin Tarantino has a very long life, so he can have a very prolific career. In fact I want to be friends with him just so I could discourage him from doing anything risky. He'd say "Wallid why don't we go rock climbing this weekend?" and I'd say "Let's play Scrabble instead!" April 23, 2012 This warm feeling I get when I look in the mirror... is this what love feels like? April 27, 2012 Earlier today I paid for a taco with a two dollar bill and then the cashier held the two dollar bill up to the light to make sure I hadn't counterfeited the two dollar bill. April 27, 2012 i always say imo not imho there is nothing h about my o April 28, 2012 imeo in my exalted opinion May 2, 2012 don't say "shake your money maker" to the parent of a baby model May 5, 2012 If a little kid says "I like baseball" the adult will raise their pitch and say "You like baseball, huh?" And when the kid says "Yeah it's fun" the adult will go "You think it's fun, huh?" Do kids reeeeaalllly like it when adults talk to them like that You should talk to them as if they are an adult So when the kid says "I like baseball" you should go "I feel as if we're trapped in this cycle of conflicting needs and it's suffocating me" May 9, 2012 "If you even dream about hitting me, you better wake up and apologize." Really? That's what you want? You want your phone ringing at 3am over that? May 14, 2012 with so much drama in the LBC, it's kinda hard bein wallid h fielding May 17, 2012 When I die, can you please scatter my ashes in my enemies' coffee May 20, 2012 1960s superhero cartoons are just people in goofy suits describing what they're doing. (shoots villain with freeze ray) "I'll just shoot him with my freeze ray!" (it's deflected by a heat shield) "Oh no, he deflected it with his heat shield!" May 25, 2012 Why do people call aspirations dreams I don't dream of becoming a novelist. I dream of this building that's a combination of my high school and the local mall June 7, 2012 "Who can be wise, amazed, temp'rate, and furious, / Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man. [Except Waldfield.]" June 8, 2012 The emcee asks, "How is everyone doing tonight?" The crowd all cheers and claps their hands and says "Wooo!" Listen, crowd. You didn't answer the question. You have to say something like "I'm pretty good" or "I don't trust our babysitter." June 11, 2012 If only modern science was advanced enough to keep up with my perversions. Just one clone of myself, that's all I want. Science says, "You like cloning, eh? Well we... put an ear on a mouse's back for you!" I solemnly turn my head to the floor. Science says, "We thought you would be happy!" Then I walk home in the rain. June 13, 2012 I received a mailing from the local grocery store. It said, "VALUABLE COUPONS INSIDE." I opened it up and the first one I saw was for 50 cents off a box of pasta. June 13, 2012 WALDFIELD ANNOUNCES OWN RETIREMENT FANS COMMIT SUICIDE WALDFIELD ADMITS PRANK, SENDS CONDOLENCES June 17, 2012 Caught a few minutes of The Longshots (2008) on tv. Ice Cube plays the uncle and coach of a girl who defies all expectations by being her team's quarterback. The movie is one huge lie to trick people into thinking high school sports are interesting. June 24, 2012 nibblets and scrambled eggs #monochromaticmeals July 26, 2012 A character is eating a strange plate of food and is unsure what it is. Sci-Fi film: It's made of people. Comedy film: It's made of dog food. Action film: It contains poison. Horror film: It's made of the character's children. November 21, 2012 Read this post aloud if it doesn't make sense. December 20, 2012 Back in that one year I taught middle school, I was looking at the decorations in another teacher's room. This handmade poster said, "Remember the THREE B'S." And it had clipart pictures of bees on it. Aw, I said. That's cute. The three B's were -B punctual -B positive -B persistant WHAT THE fu*k WHY NOT JUST CALL IT THE THREE P'S WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING THESE KIDS December 31, 2012 A few years ago I went to Denver, and I couldn't stop making Denver The Last Dinosaur references, but my friends had never heard of the show.